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need_sleep

please no more sex!!!!!!!

NEED_SLEEP
19 years ago

OMG...Somebody PLEASE help me. I am 28 years old, and have been living in apartments for 10 years. I've NEVER had to complain on any neighbors...maybe I got lucky, and maybe that luck has run out. We renewed our lease with our apt. manager in April. We got new upstairs neighbors in May, and by July my life was crap. We are day people (I wake up at 5am m-f) and they were night people. They like bass, but what was really bad??? Waking up to hear them have sex at 2:30am every night. I was highly dissapointed in the way management handled it. They never returned my phone calls, and when I would talk to them in person, they would act like they would do something about it, but they wouldn't. At the end, I was calling them at least 3 times day every day. Finally, my upstairs neighbors were moved to another apartment. A bigger apartment, mind you. GRR. So we experienced quiet for a good 2 weeks...we left for a week vacation, and when we came back, new neighbors. These folks are stompers. I seriously think one of them is going to fall through the floor one of these days. BUT, compared to listening to people have sex, I was in heaven. I could tell these people were night people too, which really irked me, since I informed our apt. manager (although in her line of work, she should really already know this), that you don't put night people on day people. IT DOESN"T WORK. And the cherry on this, is that for the past two nights, I've woken up to hear my new neighbors have sex at 3:30 am.

WHAT SHOULD I DO???? I was really becoming a maniac with our last neighbors...my marriage was crumbling, I was exhuasted, I wasn't performing well at work...I'm trying to train for a marathon for gods sake! We have six or seven months left, and I DO NOT want to go through this again. I have no idea what my options are, but I would like to find out before I deal with this again. Should I demand to be moved this time?? Is there anyway I can sue the apartments for rent that I've paid during these months when my comfort was compromised by neighbors??? Please, someone help me.......I don't want to be one of these people you see on the news who just starts shooting people, but without sleep, and feeling out of control like this may push me that far.

Comments (29)

  • cupajoe
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Tape them and play it back in a community hall on your boobbox.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Have you tried wearing earplugs at night? That can help quite a lot. Also, add a loud fan or air purifier to the bedroom. That combined with earplugs will pretty much drone out any noise in the room, and is usually sort of soothing and easy to fall asleep to. I've been wearing earplugs for years now, and it works really well (get the soft squishy ones that are available at the drugstore). Also, do you have more than one bedroom? Can you swap them, and maybe not hear the upstairs people in the middle of the night anymore?

    If that's no good, I'd contact the office, and request to be moved, preferably to a top-floor apartment. The reality is, at this point, the office probably thinks you're a whacko (I don't -- I've been in a similar situation myself), and they're just not going to do anything. Contacting the neighbors won't do any good (they'll likely respond, "What? You want us to stop having sex?"), and they're going to think you're a whacko, too. I can understand your frustration, but at this point, the onus is on you to find a solution within your space that will make the situation palatable, such as earplugs and loud fans. Or moving to another apartment.

    As far as suing, I don't see you getting very far. These people are moving about in their apartment as normal people should do...walking, having sex, whatever. You can't ask them to _stop_ doing that, and so any lawsuit isn't likely to go far.

    Your final solution is to move -- see if you are allowed to sublet the apartment. If not, then you will have to pay a leasebreaking fee, which should be defined in your lease (probably one or two month's worth of rent).

    My personal advice is: if this is that upsetting to you, then get out, however you can, even if it's expensive. I lived for 6 months in an awful situation; it affected my health, my marriage, and my general state of well-being. 6-7 months is a long time to have to deal with something like that, and you're better off just sucking up whatever it will cost to get out of there, and find a new place to live. And try always to be above people in the future, not below. It makes a world of difference...

  • MaryL472
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    GET OUT OF THERE!.. if you can. Having a bad living situation like this just messes up everything in your life. You'll feel sooooooooo much better when you move... even if its just to another apt (get a third floor- less chance of hearing others annoying habits)
    Good luck!

  • Ina Plassa_travis
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Stravinski at 5:30 AM. or Gershwin (the clarinet opening to 'rhapsody in blue' can wake the dead)

    yes, your luck has run out. you are no longer sharing walls with church mice. and since you don't have the personality to give the brat upstairs the beating his parent(s) obviously haven't...

    wake his ass up every morning for about a week, and see how he likes it.

  • NEED_SLEEP
    Original Author
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Just wanted to update on the situation. I went up there and s/w them the morning after I wrote this. I specifically waited up until I heard them moving around, and I made my move. I hope I was very nice...it was a very uncomfortable situation. I first said that we have very thin ceilings/floors which she readily agreed on, and then apologized for her 2 small children (they are f-ing LOUD), and I told that we didn't care what noise they make or their stereo, as long as it wasn't too late (past 11 on weeknights), and as long as I didn't have to wake up hearing them have sex. I made it clear that I wasn't asking them to stop, but their are 24 hrs in a day, and sex doesn't need to happen around only 2-4am. I told that her that my husband and I enjoy sex frequently, but I bet that they will never have to hear it, let alone be woke up by it. It's uncomfortable. She was like, that's cool. And since then I haven't heard any sex. :-) I don't even mind if I would hear it every now and then, as they certainly are not the marathoners like the neighbors we had before (who incidently, I know where they live and I still have this rage towards them????). So, I am hoping the situation is pretty much solved. They are still louder than any neighbors we've ever had, but as long as I'm sleepign, I don't care. And we have about 6 months left here and counting.....

    Thanks for your tips....:-)

  • diydana
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Get a fan and turn it on and drown out the noise. I live on a busy street for 6 years now and cannot deal with the buzzing of traffic still. So I run a fan when I am sleeping and when my baby boy is sleeping. My other two men here don't care about the noise. We lived in a apt, the bottom floor and A 16 year old girl on the 3rd floor was always getting "it" from her boy friend. She was a OMG-er. How many times can one girl scream that in 1 -2 hours?
    A LOT.. I tell you...a lot.
    I suppose she was inexperienced and had not yet learn to stifle it. But... the lady on the 2nd floor got a divorce and an ex- bears football player boyfriend. He was huge.
    Her bedroom was over my then 4 year olds bedroom. I would be reading to him at night and up stairs was hammering away like a jack hammer.
    Go bears! But not in an apt people pah-leeze!
    After 2 losers in the same apt in the same year...we bought a house and never looked back. Ok...a condo house though.
    I say get apartments on the top floor and then you don't hear the people above you.

  • motherscothie
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm an apartment dweller of many years' standing. Truth is, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen--and if you can't stand noise, don't live in an apartment! You act like your neighbors were having sex just to inconvenience you. Maybe that was the only time they had together. Maybe all kinds of reasons. Had *you* done everything you could do to block the offending sounds--like using white noise or earplugs or whatever--before confronting your neighbors as if they were some kind of criminals or lunatics? If I were your neighbor, I'd have been very humiliated.

    It is not management's job to keep track of resident's sleeping and waking habits. They collect the rent and make sure people aren't tearing up the place. What you describe is just simple everyday living, and your upstairs neighbors have as much right to it as you do.

  • Mike_Pam
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    NEEDSLEEP - your response to motherscottie makes it appear that you still need some sleep. Geez. Talk about being grumpy.

    "First of all, I posted that everything is okay now. No need for your two cents." If nobody needs to offer up their opinion/suggestion, then why are you still reading this thread?

    "if they can't stand to be quiet in light of other peoples comfort, they can pack it up and get a house." Easier said than done. Or perhaps you would have left by now.

    Your original post says that people with different schedules should not be put in the same area of the building "that you don't put night people on day people". I cannot imagine being told that I was being turned down for an apartment because I didn't work the right schedule. That's ludicrous.

    Lighten up. You are heading for health problems when you get this riled up.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I can understand needsleep's frustration. It's very annoying to have to deal with a noise situation, and have other people tell you to lighten up or "Just get over it, it's part of apartment living." I personally thought that motherscothie's response was rude itself, and I would have been upset if it was targeted at me.

    The thing that the "lighten up" people don't seem to get is that most of us that complain about noise can live with normal amounts of noise; really, we can. It's when other people are inconsiderate and making so much noise that it's disruptive that we start to get upset, stressed, and angry. And then to have people who aren't dealing with the same kind of situation, and may never even have experienced it themselves, tell them to "lighten up" -- then yeah, it's very anger-inducing.

    Frankly, until you've experienced a situation like this yourself, then you can't understand.

  • NEED_SLEEP
    Original Author
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I just want to publicly thank Taralee for understanding, which is what I thought this forum was about. Most of you have been understanding. I appreciate it. And fortunately, I am no longer needing sleep. I actually learned alot through this situation, such as my rights as a tenant, and how to protect those rights. I think I also learned how to be a better neighbor. For those of you who wish to attack, please hold your comments. The situation is now behind me, and I will not be returning to this site. Thanks again to those of you who supported me. :-)

  • diydana
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Hey now,
    We agree to disagree!
    :)

  • motherscothie
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I suppose this will not apply to the very uptight person who began this thread, since she says she's not coming back (somehow I doubt she's really gone, since people who crave attention *never* leave). But I've lived in apartments for years and know exactly what I'm talking about. I am assistant manager in my building. It's management's job to get tenants out who are being (notice keyword!) *unreasonable* about making noise, etc. It is no one else's responsibility to hold your little hand and make sure the entire world does things exactly the way *you* want them done, or that every other tenant keeps the same hours *you* do.

    If someone is having hot monkey sex every night on the floor on purpose and making sure they scream out just to bother the neighbors, that is wrong. Everything else is just doing what people do in their own beds, and frankly, it's none of my or your business. I simply put earplugs in, turn the music on, and go back to sleep.

    No, it's not everyone else's place to get out of *your* way. If *you* are the one who can't stand noise, then *you* are the one who needs to get a house.

    The neighbor who was humiliated did not deserve this. I'm so glad I don't live anywhere near anyone so tightly strung as this. Sheeeeesh!

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I want to apologize if I said anything that was rude or hurtful in my earlier post. It's not my intention to stir up conflict any further in this thread...I should know better than to post while at work, because I spend so much time looking over my shoulder to make sure my boss can't see what I'm doing, that I can't effectively formulate what I'm saying. :)

    I remember when this forum existed before, and then it got shut down. Back then, the forum posters could pretty much be divided into two camps -- the noise-makers, and the noise-haters. Usually one or the other came here with a problem, seeking advice. Those in the other camp would then jump on them: "How dare you walk around in high-heel shoes on a wood floor when people live below you!?" or conversely, "How dare you complain about the noise your neighbor makes while walking above you? Everyone needs to walk!" Frankly, things often got very nasty because one side or the other would start ripping into the other, and topics would get horribly off track.

    Both sides have valid points in a noise issue like these -- but here's the thing: people come here looking for advice and help. Not to be judged and yelled at. Yeah, maybe people on either side are a little off the deep end or uptight or whatever -- but if you can't reply to someone without being overly judgmental or hurtful, maybe you shouldn't reply. Do you really care so much about what that noise-hater or noise-maker is posting about, that you have to induce even more negativity in their (and your) life?

    I guess I'm making a plea here for everyone to try to get along, to give useful suggestions to people, and to try to not say anything that might be hurtful. I've never seen the kind of negativity on the other forums of this site, that I see here, and really, there's no reason we can't all be civil, even if we don't agree with the other person's stance. It would suck if this forum was shut down again.

  • motherscothie
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    *Sigh*

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Everyone is entitled to live wherever they wish, as long as they can afford and work it out. We're not living under the Taliban (yet).

    By stating the apartment/condo management viewpoint, that tenants need to work around these problems themselves and understand that by living in such a situation, there *are going to be noise and privacy issues, I'm spreading negativity and being judgmental? Isn't that just a tad overwrought yourself?

    All I'm saying is that people nowadays seem to demand that society take care of all their wants and needs, instead of being mature and proactive themselves.

    If the apartment is too noisy and you don't want to take measures such as better earplugs, m-o-v-e.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Motherscothie, I was referring to some of the later posters, not you, as well as to myself. Everyone could do well to think a bit more before putting their hands to the keyboard.

    Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion. But there are ways to express it, IMHO, that can get your opinion across without being hurtful, as some of the people in this topic have been (on both sides). I guess all I'm saying is that there's no need to come down so hard on anyone when stating your viewpoint -- none of us, except for the original poster, has anything vested in the outcome, so why so much anger and rudeness? Maybe we should all think a little more about what we're saying, is all. And with that, I'll just shut up.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    And you know what, I take all that back. I just realized that the post right before mine was by you, in which you referred to the OP as uptight. I don't agree with your stance at all, and I think your response in this thread has been rude. Sure, you can express the viewpoint of the management, but when you start resorting to calling other people names, and making hurtful statements, then yeah, that's over the line. If thinking that makes me uptight or overwrought myself, then oh well.

    Frankly, I can't help wondering -- what if the OP said that her neighbors were getting up and dancing a conga at 2am every morning. Would that be acceptable? Why is it considered normal, acceptable noise if it's sex? They're making noise at 2am. That's not acceptable regardless of the source. And she did handle it proactively -- she went and talked to the person, as an adult, to see if there was a solution that could be worked out. It turned out to have a positive end. I don't see what the problem is -- you may not have liked how it was handled, but who cares? You're not living in that building, and not involved in the situation, so get over it.

  • bob_jamison
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Sounds to me like you may be so used to dealing with complaining tenants as a manager, mother scothie, that you're being unreasonable here. NEED_SLEEP had a valid problem, asked for suggestions, and had already implemented some of them to no effect. So she talked to the neighbor. Sounds like they had a cordial exchange, and the problem has been solved. How does that equate to people "demand[ing] that society take care of all their wants and needs"? Time to get that chip on your shoulder examined.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I give up. You clearly have your own opinion, I have mine. I don't have any problems with my neighbors, but I am mature and compassionate enough to recognize that there are situations beyond my own world view, and that there's more than one way to deal with a problem -- and ignoring it is not always the best solution. And unlike you, I'm not going to resort to name calling and insults to state my opinion. I consider this discussion finished on my part, and don't intend to contribute to it anymore.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Gah, I just can't shut up. I think the thing that is driving me insane is that you are making assumptions about me that make no sense:

    >>The person who began this thread said that management should be responsible for making sure that tenants' lifestyles and schedules are mutually compatible. That is patently absurd. >>

    I never said that wasn't absurd. I happen to agree with you that it's an absurd statement! All I've said is that there's no reason to insult someone for stating something like that, and that a bit of effort should be made to respond in a thoughtful, non-offensive manner when people come here seeking help. Disagree all you want, but don't call other people names!

    >>If you are so incredibly uptight that these things bother you about your neighbors, perhaps it is *you* that is in the wrong place. >>

    I haven't made a word of complaint about my neighbors. I love my neighbors. We get along great. Why are you making assumptions about me? Because I disagree with the fact that you're insulting other people?

    >>Having sex in your own bed, taking a shower, flushing the toilet, rocking your baby, using your microwave, playing the TV loudly enough to hear past six inches away--these are all reasonable acts of living.>>

    I absolutely agree with you. A certain amount of noise must be accepted when you live in an apartment. Did you even read my first post in this thread? I gave several suggestions to the person about how to deal with it, including moving. I just did it in a way that wasn't rude, unlike you.

    The one point I'm trying to make (besides the fact that you should stop being such a rude git) is that even reasonable, acceptable noise is unacceptable when it occurs loudly at unacceptable times. You would agree, I hope, that someone should be able to play their stereo, yes? But not so loudly that it's blaring out the windows at 2 in the morning? Why is that not acceptable? Because it intrudes on the other people around them to an unacceptable level, right? People should be able to have all the sex they want. More sex for everyone. But if it's so loud that it wakes someone else up at 2 in the morning, than it's too loud. I would equate that to the same as blasting a loud stereo at the same time, if it's loud enough to wake someone up. It is possible to have sex without waking your neighbors up, and no ever said that these neighbors had to stop having sex. Just to make a modicum of effort to not wake up the OP. Why is that so difficult for you to understand?

    Please stop making assumptions about me, please stop calling me names like uptight, and start reading with more care. God, and people say that the young generation is rude. It's older folks like you that really take the cake.

  • bob_jamison
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    For once I can agree with you motherscothie -- I'm happy as hell not to have you for a neighbor.

    And taralee -- hear, here.

  • motherscothie
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Taralee, it's obvious you haven't been reading my posts very clearly.

    Any tenant who disturbs another by making an unreasonable amount of noise needs to be reprimanded. Someone who does this deliberately needs to be evicted.

    A woman who used to live on the first floor here was unusually sensitive to sound (as well as inordinately stuck on herself). She complained constantly that residents shut the front door too loudly, stomped up and down the inside stairs, banged their car doors in the parking lot, let kids talk too much. When she first moved in, she griped about the couple above her having sex. Then they moved out and a new guy moved in. She claimed he raised his voice while on the telephone just to annoy *her*, and that he flushed his toilet right when he *knew* she'd be going to bed, etc. She went so far as to actually cut the phone line leading to the neighbor's apartment because she said *he* needed to be taught a lesson! (She also put poison on the tree outside her window to try and kill it, because she wanted more light.) This woman wanted management to make the perfect climate that suited *her*, ignoring the fact that someone else paid perfectly good rent to use his telephone, flush his toilet, etc. also; and that every other tenant who went in and out the front door was not being rude--just living here!

    When we first moved in, the guy on the other side of our kitchen came over and demanded we not make any noise in our kitchen after 8 PM, as he liked to lounge in his bed watching TV or whatnot and didn't wish to be disturbed. When I asked why he didn't just move his bed off the wall on the other side of our sink, he said the furniture "flowed better" that way and didn't want to move it. Therefore *we* should not turn our water on or whatever after 8 PM. I answered that I had a young daughter and a husband who worked the midnight shift, and would need access to my kitchen after 8. I offered a compromise of 10 PM, and stuck to it. This didn't satisfy the neighbor, who went to the manager. The manager stood by my compromise, saying I wasn't doing anything unreasonable and was being generous in my offer. (This was the same tenant, BTW, who wanted the guy underneath him evicted for snoring.) He moved out.

    Since then, there have been two other tenants over there, and I haven't had a single complaint from either of them. They are reasonable neighbors who understand I need to get a drink of water once in a while. I give them the same courtesy, by not getting upset when their relatives come over or they practice their music or watch their big screen TV.

    I am now assistant manager of the building. I see this from both sides. There are people just not suited to live in apartments--either ones who are too sensitive to anything not being exactly as they want it; or those unwilling to be respectful of other tenants' needs. Both extremes need to find more appropriate living arrangements.

    How saying all this makes *me* the bad person, I have no idea. But I am more and more thankful to be living where I am, every time I come to this thread.

  • taralee
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Right. I give up. Moving on...

  • airforceguy
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Given any situation with soo many people under one roof, your never going to make everyone happy, and your going to get some rude people!! In regards to sex, well at times it can be hard to control the "noise" One has to blame shoddy construction. I have lived in a few places, and stayed over at friends as well. Some are noise tight, others are not!! Places where I have lived were great. I did lots of research prior to signing any lease. Of course not all people can afford a better building or able to purchase a house!! What one person finds tolerable, differs from others!! If we could all get along, we wouldnt have racism, or any of these Wars going on!!

  • mjmercer
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I am lucky enough to live in one of the more desirable neighborhoods of my city. Been here almost two years. I have neighbors upstairs, downstairs, to my left and to my right.

    Know what? I never hear any of them doing a #$!! thing. Oops, gotta take that back. The new guy next door moved in and started doing some kind of morning martial arts workout complete with music. The noise was floating straight out of his unit and into mine. It also permeated the hallway, halfway to the elevators.

    I asked management to speak to him. They did. Problem persisted a few more times. Finally the guy was fined by management. It's amazing how people start getting the message when an issue hits them in the wallet! lolol

    I've lived lots of places. Many of them with noise issues caused either by shoddy construction or inconsiderate neighbors. But I've found the BIGGEST problem to be managers who can't be bothered to get involved. It's amazing how so many of them can turn a blind eye (deaf ear?) as long as those rent checks keep rolling in.

    Motherscothie, the above comments are not directly intended for you. However, I *would* say that your credibility on this subject is um, questionable. You say you are an assistant apartment manager. So it's literally in your best interest to promote the apartment lifestyle. And also, perhaps, to be a little too insistent that tenants turn an equally blind eye to what you perceive to be minor issues like 2:00 a.m. sex noises. I'm just curious: when is the last time YOU'VE lived next to someone who had late-night sex or played Pink Floyd so loudly your bedroom walls vibrate?

  • motherscothie
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    As to my credibility, I've been assistant manager only 3 years out of the many, many that I've lived in apartments. I've lived above people, below, beside--had to put up with sex noises, workouts, arguments, loud video games, stomping, shrieking kids, you name it!

    I've had helpful management and absentee, uncaring ones.

    I've also had really nice, considerate neighbors--and always try to be one myself.

    I don't have to prove anything.

    I merely offered my perspective on the "other side" that 1) the fact that you live in an apartment means you WILL have to endure certain discomforts, along with certain advantages, of not living in a private house. 2) There are things that can be done to lessen the effect of some of these inconveniences. Earplugs at night work wonders. So do white noise machines, or playing the stereo yourself. Talking to management and/or neighbors when appropriate (this isn't always possible--I had a very creepy downstairs neighbor once who stalked me because I asked him to turn down his video games late at night) might help. Then again, management might decide the noise level is "reasonable"--and that's their call. Or they may side with you and make the other tenant toe the line.

    There is no "one size fits all". You often have to just work around it and find a solution. If none is forthcoming and you just can't stand it, what other alternative is there but relocating?

    The manager here, for whom I work, is very aggressive about keeping the place quiet and orderly. Some others just aren't as scrupulous about it.

    You can't force others (who pay the same rent you do) into your lifestyle, and it is not the manager's ethical or moral obligation to make sure the people living above/beside/below you keep the same hours you do, only that they not disturb you "unreasonably". Walking from their bed to the bathroom and then flushing it at 1 AM is not unreasonable. Hanging out the window playing hiphop music at full blast IS.

  • scarlett2001
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Please, what is "hot monkey sex"??

  • Str8dyme
    19 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Crank up the volume when you have sex, then they'll know how it feels. LOL

    My overweight neighbor above me must don't get any cause I never hear her have sex, but DAMN she can't stump her butt off. And on purpose too. I think she's jealous of me...

  • Condoperson
    18 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I have lived in quite a few apartment buildings, and I have YET to encounter noise problems due to "monkey sex." Is this really a problem?

    Alfred Kinsey and Masters and Johnson should live at these apartments!!!!! Living at these apartments would be like working at the office.

    Maybe more people "go ape" over sex today as opposed to a generation ago.

    Silicone implants, body part enhancements are the rage today, so maybe things get quite vocal sexually with the lovely, voluptuous and studly bodies.

    Can you imagine Ralph C. and Alice on the "Honeymooners" having sex? Fat City! Thin walls! Bad apartment building!

    Well, I guess it's comforting to know someone is at least "doing it" for those of us who "aren't doing it."

    If this is a serious problem (???), apartment management is naturally hesitant to bring the subject "up" or touch it will a nine foot pole.

    If these sounds do happen sex is, afterall, a part of life. For those of you getting plenty of sex it's probably irritating, for those of you who are not---enjoy. By all means, take notes and learn a new sound or two.

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