Adult daughter says actions speak louder than words
My Daughter and I have not had the best relationship over the years and now it's to a point where she doesn't believe I love her because I don't "show" her. To show is different for everyone and in my case I recently had to ask my daughter to leave our home, because she was having a negative impact on her younger sibling. This was not an easy decision as it is, but even harder considering she has my 3 year old grandson with her. There was much more at stake if she stayed. I have learned not to feel guilty but it hurts to hear that she is saying this about me and posting things on social media. According to her, I have never been there for her and she has always done everything on her own. I watched my grandson while she went to school and worked, made her lunch and breakfast before work when I could and didn't charge her rent. I do all of this because I love her. She chooses to continue a life style that is not agreeable to our family and has recently been a cause to a terrible incident with my younger son in school. It has been long over due for her to move out and she has a great job and a family of her own now. It's time for her to get herself together and start acting like an adult. Am I wrong?
I'm so sorry.
Sometimes people get angry when they don't get what they want, & then they get spiteful.
& it sounds like your daughter's understanding of your relationship is that you give & she takes.
nothing you can do about her anger;
she'll either calm down & gain perspective, or she'll carry a grudge & everything will be your fault from now on.
I think I might post a reply *one time* on whatever social media she's used to badmouth you, something like:
I agree, actions do speak louder than words.
I made sure you & my beloved grandson had a home, rent-free, I took care of him so you could go to school, I made lunches.
etc.
& then don't read the hurtful things she says.
Let the next move be hers.
If she doesn't make it, let it be.
Maybe someone else, someone who'd been through this kind of thing, will have more concrete help to offer.
I do hope she calms down, & I wish you the very best.
There's nothing positive to be gained by starting a "tit for tat" on social media. It won't cause her to have an epiphany, it'll only serve to embarrass and anger her, and maybe escalate the vehemence.
I do think you could matter of factly state (in person) that your actions prove that you have been there for her and that you're disappointed and hurt she doesn't see it. Then, let it go -- you can't argue her into believing your side of things.
Lastly, don't cave and let her move back home. Having to manage a household MAY, over time, humble her and cause her to become more introspective.
uI had been picking up my granddaughter two times a week at my daughters house in order to spend time with my granddaughter and also what I thought helping out.I would leave my house at 6;20 to get there early it was mentioned that arriving at 7 was to late so i made it more of an effort to leave earlier ,then we started noticing that when she would pick her up in the evening after work she would barely speak to us I would update her on the day what we did what her daughter ate ,naps etc...she would call ahead and say i'll be there soon have her ready,when i would n't have her ready she would let me know of her displeasure.My husband finally said ask her to drop of our grandchild on those to days because she doesn't seem grateful for your effort of that ride in the morning .So i called her and said I'm not going to be able to pick her up anymore can you drop her there's so many rules that go beyond me watching her we have a small dog and my daughter (her husbands idea)won't let me watch my granddaughter unless someone else is home with me my son or my other daughter for
fear of the dog.(i was so upset that we had to make these changes it made me feel that she didn't trust me I brought up her and her sister only a year apart and later watched two other toddlers in our home so i felt i more then qualified to watch her without extra help and our dog loves her and our granddaughter loves him.I'm overly protective anyways .But one day my daughter said I can't do this she is now 4 months pregnant and I said we'll talk about later.that evening she said so what's going to happen i can't do this anymore and it's only going to get harder i said well how about you bring her one day and i'll pick her up one day no she said it's to hard .Her sister said what ever you decide well i have someone that can take care of her and they make sure she gets a nap sometimes two naps and never send her home with a dirty face she said i told my doctor my pressure was up because you called me bitching .my husband jumped up and said i'm sure your mom wasn't bitching and don't talk to her that way I said I called you to let you know I wouldn't be picking her up and the different reasons.when she started comparing me and putting my care of her daughter down i just shut down she left and and came back in saying i'm not bringing her anymore i'll find daycare.She texted her sister the whole next day saying we burned the bridge this time we really "f' everything this time . She kept away for a week and a half no call no show and then said in an e-mail that her daughter was asking for my other daughter and the dog and couldn't inderstand why i wouldn't take care of her daughter anymore and didn't want any response except would I watch her one day I wrote back saying I will watch her anytime.Even in the e-mail there was rules for me to follow and it's been that way for years even before she had children I cry all time and I'm so emotionally tired of apologizing for things in the past and try to make things better but she never gives any effort to make things better. We feel that we're foster parents to her that we're here but we really don't matter.We're always compared to her in-laws who in her eyes never do wrong. She doesn't speak to me when she drops off her daughter or when she picks her up,I try but no response.
Drinaz,
You are absolutely right.. Make your own happy life, and if she returns on your terms, fine.
should I ask if this is the way it's going to be I want to say so much in the morning when she drops her off but I shut down thinking she'll say I'm making blood pressure go up or upsetting her she's 5 months pregnant but now it's been six weeks since she hasn't spoken or do i just let it ride it's course
'rules for me to follow and it's been that way for years even before she had children I cry all time and I'm so emotionally tired of apologizing for things in the past and try to make things better'
Your daughter is abusing as well as using you.
If you don't lie down like a good doormat, she punishes you.
If you lie down like a good doormat, she punishes you because you're not doing it well enough.
Cut this nightmare loose, enjoy your life, get *your* blood pressure down.
i'm sure my daughter would say we're the abuser and playing games saying we'll watch our grandchild then when i said she'll have to drop her off she was doing it then one day flipped out and said i can't bring her and why i won't take care of her not once did I say I wouldn't take care of her .I'm always crying and can't get how she can come and go without saying anything when i say bye nothing in response. I know i have some blame but I'm the one talking and she doesn't want to talk /I guess I need to hear again that it's alright to let it go on like this and in the back of mind is the second baby 'baby shower etc.. what do i do i don't even talk with the the in-laws it's horrible i just want to scream and cry.... Sorry for all the whining Thank you for responding
The only way to stop playing a game in which the rules are "I win & you lose" is to *stop*.
Your granddaughter is the bait your daughter uses to control you.
If your granddaughter is in daycare, you no longer have a hook in your mouth.
Put her on notice that you will not be available for child care on (fill in date).
I wish you the best.
thank you for the responses .I'll keep everything in mind and your right about my granddaughter being the bait she has threatened in the past that we wouldn't see her if my husband and I didn't change .I'm the weak and basically stupid one, my husband is alot stronger when it comes to dealing with our daughter he will let her know how he feels while i shut down just for the sake of peace which is so wrong .I've never learned to have a strong back bone now it's getting back at me. I guess it's never to late ..... Thanks again for the responses
at this point my daughter doesn't speak to me i say something and she doesn't respond now i've gotten to the point that i'm just happy to spend time with my granddaughter and if this is the way it 's going to go i can't change that It just kills me when we're face to face and she doesn't even say anything versus not calling or coming over on her day off like she used to.I know I have fault in the past not wanting to talk to her on the phone after having a spat but I've never ignored when we've been face to face I guess this is what it serves me right or I don't know anymoreI know i haven't been the best role model but i have never said the ugly things she has said over the last couple of years. Even her sister has witnessed her and said she 's being down right rude I guess i'll just carry on this way...