Sadness as my BF has a child.

midnightfairyMay 26, 2010

I find myself extremely upset at the moment and that when I have a free space in my head  I am haunted by this fact: my boyfriend has a 4 y.o. daughter. There are two elements to this which upset me and make me feel anxious.

My parents divorced when I was 6 y.o. I have had numerous step-parents and step-siblings as a result and also have a half brother. Growing up in an environment where you are constantly fighting for attention, or your primary needs arenÂt met, can have a traumatic impact - which I still suffer today. ItÂs difficult to express in words how hard and traumatic this can be as a child and a teen and even today as a 32 y.o. If you have grown up in a similar environment  you would understand. I honestly donÂt have anything positive to say about step families.

I donÂt want this kind of situation any more for myself. I donÂt want this step family arrangement to carry on into the next generation  I want it to end with me. If my BF and I have children, I donÂt want our children to have to compete with his daughter and fight for his attention or feel anything I have felt. I donÂt want to compete with her either but my feelings clash because naturally I want him to spend time with his child. IÂm tired of feeling like IÂm in a competition for love and attention and always come last. I donÂt want to feel this with my possible husband. I donÂt want my possible children to feel this with their father.

Secondly, I want to be a mother so badly one day. I want my fairytale of falling in love, getting engaged and married, then going through the magical and scary experience of being pregnant for the first time - together with my partner - and learning and everything else this new parenting experience brings. In my fairytale  a child doesnÂt already exist. I want to be a mum  not a step-mum. I donÂt want my family tree to be split because of his first family. Will a family with him mean we will always be second?

My BF doesnÂt understand how I feel. He responds with comments that IÂm worried about nothing as he doesnÂt currently see her, but I know this will change. My BF doesnÂt understand my perspective as his parents are still together and residing in the house he has grown up in. It means his ex-girlfriend will always be in our lives and she doesnÂt seem to be a good person. Furthermore, I donÂt think he understands how I want to share the first born experience with my partner  heÂs been there before. Even talking about babies with him - the shine has been rubbed off.

My BF is amazing and I love him deeply. The situation makes me feel like someone is standing on my chest and I canÂt breathe. It makes me sad that I might have to let go of my fairytale - my dreams of my own little family that is not interrupted by any outside factors. Just us. I think this might be too big for me.

If you have felt like I now feel and have made it through to the other side of this situation, I would love to hear about your...

Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
Mary
I realy dislike my my step child, may even hate him at times.
Hello I am new here. I read some post on this site...
jayc2006
Need advice please....stepson!
I am 25 and I think I have had enough of my 9 year...
mommy08
will the real mom please stand up!
I'm all confused. My kids bio-mom abandoned us with...
CWH123
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
Nikki27
Sponsored Products
Side By Side 20" Wide 3-Light Pendant Chandelier
Lamps Plus
Champion 1500 Watt Portable Gas Powered Generator
Overstock.com
Cortana Peruvian Ceiling Fan with 54-Inch Premier Distressed Walnut Blades
$757.80 | Bellacor
Bover | Fora Outdoor Ceiling Light
YLighting
Unique Floral Teal Blue Runner Oushak HandKnotted Wool 4'x20' Oriental Rug H5611
BH Sun Inc
Electrical Tool Accessories: CabLED 18-Watt Indoor/Outdoor Power Supply 180-A241
$39.97 | Home Depot
Peer Chaise Outdoor Patio Set of 2 in Brown Turquoise
$558.00 | LexMod
Legato Pendant by Uttermost
$162.80 | Lumens
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™