just heartsick........

cheri2008December 6, 2012

My daughter is going through such a terrible time, her husband of 15 years just announced he wants a divorce. ( another woman) she has 3 kiddos,she has M.S. and has not worked since having the children. the oldest 14, and 12, youngest is 9.
This is so hard on her, her family has been her focus,and she is just lost.
My husband and I are sending money so they will join us for Christmas, they live 9 hours away,she will be moving back to our hometown after school is out for them.
She calls me several times a day, and I try to be supportive for her, but it is so hard to know what to say...
How cruel life can be...any words of wisdom would be appreciated....

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Wow, what a bummer! I am so sorry for her. Right during the holidays too. What is wrong with people? They won't know what they lost till its gone.
No wisdom for this one, Just prayers & good thoughts.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 7:06PM
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cheri- I can totally understand. This happened to my daughter one year ago with a few differences. Luckily she is in good health and makes a good salary. He however lied, repeatedly. He denied having affair( a neighbor). Any how, if he had been honest and acted with integrity, their separation and divorce (just days ago) might not havr been so cruel and nasty. Your poor daughter with an illness and no job on top of this betrayal. I think I was of help just by listening. She is 6 hours away so it was hours every week of phone calls, texts and emails. I tried to steer her away from bad decisions (not always successful!) and avoided criticizing. She needs a lawyer. So sorry for you all-it really effects the whole family.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 7:27PM
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I've been there with two sons. One was married 17 years with two children and the other 16 years with one son. One son is now remarried with a baby and is the happiest I've ever seen him. Our youngest son is still adjusting. He misses seeing his child only a couple days a week. He told me he is not happy and wants a family. My heart aches for him. I think in time both of our adult children will recover but it's hard for them, their children and for us their parents.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 7:45PM
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I have only one tiny piece of advice... be supportive but please do not talk negative about your SIL. You can't take back anything you have said if they should reconcile.

I'm so sorry for your DD and the GK's.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 8:36PM
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Just devastating. There's not much you can say, just be there and listen. Hugs for you all.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 8:57PM
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My heart goes out to you. Your daughter is lucky to have such a supportive mother.
I totaly agree with moonie. No matter how angry you are at the SIL, your main focus needs to be on your daughter and her kids.
I am glad too that she will be moving closer to you. This can be a fresh start for her and her children with out the gossip tha goes along with type of divorce.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 9:22PM
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Often you don't have to say anything. Many times it's better to be there to listen.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2012 at 9:45PM
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Cheri, she needs to get to a good family law/matrimonial lawyer NOW so she knows where she stands. Have her take the originals or make copies of all financial accounts, any real estate deeds, mortgages, etc. The more legwork she can do the less the attorney will have to do (less$$). Have her take a pro-active part NOW. Can she get SSI? She will need alimony and child support ASAP. And since HE wants the divorce, make him pay HER attorney.

No doubt she is still reeling, but for her financial well being and at least some peace of mind, she needs to know what is what, which hopefully will lessen her stress somewhat. HTH

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 8:08AM
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My heart is aching for her. She has had the rug pulled out from under her entire life. I've seen this kind of situation happen too often. My neighbor's husband left her right after the birth of their second child. While in the hospital after giving birth they discovered she had a very serious cancer. I don't know how she survived the whole thing -- new baby, older child, serious cancer and rotten husband. How could he be that mean? I don't understand it. Thank heavens her father helped her out as she underwent a blood transfusion and aggressive chemotherapy that caused permanent hair loss. However, she did live and the kids did okay. When the youngest was a teen he went to live with his father, she sold the house and went to live with her father because it had all gotten to be too much.

I have a new neighbor who is divorced and has three children. She is a superstar, but she could not do it all with out the support of her family. She moved back here to be near them and that makes all the difference. She also seems to be okay financially and through friends landed a great job in Human Resources with a wonderful company.

Tell your daughter that she will get through this and that you will always be there for her. Knowing that she has a safety net may make it easier to cope. All her hopes and dreams have been dashed but she will find a new life. Oh gosh, my heart aches for her. I hope she takes Wanttoretire's advice and gets a good lawyer. She will need all she can get. Be sure he isn't busy cleaning out the checking and savings accounts! It's so hard that at a moment when all you want to do is crawl under the blankets and stay there is the time when you need to be smart and strong. She is lucky to have her family and she is going to need you.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 9:48AM
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Everyone has offered great advice.

Just this summer a friend of mine had her husband announce that he wanted a separation..........the morning of their daughter's wedding. He blind-sided her. Just the night before they were walking around holding hands.

Be strong for your daughter.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 10:23AM
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Some very good advice, above.

I just want to say I'm so very sorry.

Geeze, jasdip. wow, on the daughter's wedding morning?

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 11:30AM
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My friend had an engagement party for her son and his fiancee. Right before the party was to start, her father called her to tell her that he was leaving her mother. Great timing, huh. The bride-to-be had teary red eyes throughout the entire party and had to pretend she was getting sick. In the end, the engagement was called off. The son married someone else and they have two adorable daughters.

Life is strange and not always kind.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 11:47AM
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What if a wife doesn't agree to divorce? Is it easy to walk away from your wife -- and your children? I suspect a lot of men *think* the grass is greener, or that they feel younger, more virile or whatever with that someone new -- until it's not new anymore.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 3:00PM
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Interesting. The above made me think about my husbands niece. Married, one very young child.Husband told her he loved her but was no longer IN love with her. She flat out said that marriage is a commitment that you can't just walk away from! They went to couseling and now have a second child.
In the case of the poster though, I suspect the husband is reacting to how his life is going to be with a wife with MS. I have seen people stay the same for many years, while others wind up in wheelchairs. Inside workings of a marriage are very personal.
I agree with chisue. Just because the husband wants a divorce doesn't mean she has to quickly act on his demand. They can be legally separated and the husband can be free to be in a relationship with someone else.
In the mean time she needs to get all financial papers in order.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 3:26PM
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I feel her pain. Eleven years ago, my husband announced he wanted a divorce *while* were were attending a Christian marriage retreat.

No kidding.

Twenty-four years of marriage, and at this Christian retreat (intended to "strengthen our marriage") his take-away message was, "Get a divorce."

Life can be hard, but sometimes these things can - eventually - turn out to be a blessing in disguise.

I've been re-married for six years to a very nice fellow, and we live in a beautiful house on a beautiful lake. It's a nice life, and he's a much better husband than the first guy ever was.

The ex's life didn't turn out so good.

In the end, that divorce really was a blessing in disguise for me. It opened the door to a whole new future.

Please remind your daughter that sometimes, these hard, unpleasant, gut-wrenching endings can actually be the beginning of something really good.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 3:30PM
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Cheri-- do you have other family obligations where you live? The kids have been through so much upheaval, perhaps it might be nice if you and your dh could join your dd and grandchildren at her home for the holidays.

I second or third or fourth what others have said. Help your daughter find a good (read: ruthless) attorney immediately, but still do not say anything harsh about SIL in case of reconciliation which happens often.

I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter. What an a**

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 4:26PM
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Thank you all for your encouragement and words of wisdom... yes I do agree with all about not saying negative things about her husband..I have told her I believe he is making very bad judgements, and he has said cruel things to her, as he is trying to justify his actions..She is looking forward to come home for Christmas, she has extended family here, and many friends. She seems to be getting stronger each day, and is on the path of sorting out the legal stuff, she is talking to attorney, and will be looking into getting on disability, or state aid with her medical issues.
Her husband is pushing her every day to hurry and sign papers... but she told him she needs time to deal with all of this first. Thanks again.... alot of wonderful people here around the table....

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 6:24PM
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i'm sick of these want to free cause of mid-life crisis...don't have to bad mouth the jerk, but do encourage dd to continue in slow and go mode... she needs health ins (remember pre-existing condition clause til obamacare kicks in), the children will need food, clothing, school supplies ect, till at least age 18...do support her to fight for the kids..know it it has to be done carefuuly cause doesn't ms respond to stress?

and the best? have HIM care for the kids as much as possible, lol.... nothing like having your own children around to kill the "mood" with the new (for now )woman...

payback can be sweet...

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 7:04PM
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So sorry....I have no words of wisdom except keep an open heart but still "make" her grow from this.
It is indeed a very sad situation...but one she can use to help herself and her children in future situations.
I say this.....but I wish I had of known more at a time.
Wishing you all well.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 7:12PM
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I don't even know this guy and I want to kick him in the b*lls! And the other woman? What kind of person can she possibly be?? To break up a marriage and the marriage of a woman who is not healthy?? I have no experience with affairs or divorce, so I cannot give advice. I just cannot imagine how you feel as a mother, seeing your daughter hurting! Hugs to all of you!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 9:13PM
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lots of hugs....that always helps

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 9:23PM
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Please don't let her rush into signing anything! For the sake of her children and her health, she need to make darned sure she will be taken care of financially now and in the future and the kids have college funded for them.If she is currently on his health insurance, he can ordered by the courts to continue it. Also part of his SSI later on should go to her also. He wants this divorce so let him pay his way out. Bet the new girlfriend leaves is money is not there.....

    Bookmark   December 7, 2012 at 9:27PM
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I've noticed a personality type that does this type of thing to their wives after their looks fade due to bearing/raising their children and aging/health issues surface. Check out narcissist personality disorder.

I've seen a handful of women around me dealing with the aftermath of marrying/divorcing men who fit into that or similar personality disorder types. I'm teaching my kids to recognize those characteristics.

A friend of mine was contacted by the husband of the woman who cheated with the friend's husband. They compared notes and got useful info which worked in their favor in court. He hired a private eye to tail the soon-to-be-ex-wife and got enough info to catch her in lies and lower his support payments dramatically. He also gave my friend info that helped her. The cheaters couldn't figure out how their lies were exposed and have lots of debt from lawyer fees, second household bills, etc. So much for their dream of being "happy" and starting over together.

Unfortunately, my friend is struggling emotionally and financially, but she has family and friends who help in many ways.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2012 at 10:43PM
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