I practice it online sometimes - even with strangers it can be difficult. I feel so mature and above the frey when I'm able to 'go there'.
Funny how it's so...not easy. They are simple words.
so much behind those words to make it easy ;)
Son and I had a huge blowout the other day. Huge. We both said sorry on the phone, but when he got home, he took me aside and wanted to say it again. When I said, but we've already said it, he said, sometimes is should be face to face, if it's important enough. He looked me in the eye when he said it. It was as hard listening to him say it was having to say it to him and look him in the eyes. I do believe that was one of the hardest moments of my life. Truly. I'd rather eat worms and die than do that again. But I can't tell you how far it went in reconciling us. We're closer than we've been in months.
I am a Peace maker~~I can get all crazy about something and stand up for myself, but I am the first to hug it out and say I was wrong or sorry~~like your son I believe in doing it in person and looking in the persons eyes~~it is a great feeling to do so.
I usually have no problems saying I'm wrong or apologizing. Luckily, my SO doesn't either, which makes life a lot better.
Sometimes though, I'll catch myself saying the dreaded "I'm sorry you feel that way and/or took something that way", when I don't think I'm wrong. I try not to do that because it's so invalidating and I know it's just a cop out to taking responsibility for my role in something.
Interestingly enough, I received an email a couple of days ago from a guy I had barely started dating, apologizing for a few things he felt bad about. We hadn't spoken in two years, and since we were just starting something up at that time and it wasn't serious, I forgot all about it. I really appreciated that and told him so, not many people would do that...especially when it would have been easier to just go on with life and forget about it.
Oh Rob, your words are bringing tears to my eyes. There are so many emotions involved in situations like that.
Sometimes I apologize just to keep the peace, but I hate myself later. If someone can convince me that they are right and I was wrong, then I am able to say "okay, I see you point and I agree." Sometimes I can say "I am sorry that we argued." I generally don't insult people or say things I don't mean.
Yea Pam, I felt so badly I had to write a poem about it. I felt pretty strongly too. We both were so wrong, but know the moments of childhood are fleeting-keeps us in line, most of the time. It broke both our hearts and it's why we wanted to repair it. I'm glad he didn't wait and we got on to getting better. I waited too long to say it to my parents, such wasted time!
My job was doing payroll for about 300 school employees. Supt, teachers, aides, cooks, maintenance, subs, bus drivers, etc. There were always changes each pay period. I tried very hard to get everything right but sometimes I did goof up. I found saying I'm sorry and meaning it before they jumped all over me could stop a situation before it started in almost all cases. Sometimes I would tell them before they realized the mistake themselves.
Pride is a powerful emotion that gets in the way of healing and relationships.
To me life is way too short and there are too many precious moments that can be lost when you spend time in negative places so I am quick to say sorry if I am wrong. No one is perfect and I know I am far from it.
I try to eliminate negatives as quickly as possible and let those go.
It was my job to keep peace in the family by taking the initiative to say I'm sorry regardless of the circumstances. those days are gone now but it made life easier for Mom at that time. I do know that a soft answer can turn away wrath
I've sometimes copied from a friend who used to say, "I'm not sure if I *know* this or only think I do."
Jennmonkey -- I wonder if the fellow you dated briefly is in a 12-step program. Your story rang a bell with me. My first real boyfriend broke up with me abruptly when we were *fourteen*!. I was heartbroken. Years later he and his family moved to the town where my DH and I lived. He came up to me at a Little League ballgame to say "sorry". I was speechless. I only learned later that that he was fighting alcoholism. I wish I had known. I would have made more effort to talk to him. He committed suicide that fall.
Our oldest daughter dated a guy through high school, then college and they ended up buying a house together. They were together 11 years. We knew he was not good for her but at that age they can't see it. He and I had a huge blowup and I refused to let him in my house. Hubby had a blow up with him, too. After a period of time things cooled off and we got along. They ended up splitting up. All of a sudden he sent me an email apologizing for his behavior. It had 10 years or more since I had seen or heard from him. He said now as a parent he sees things more clearly.He also said he now knew that larry and I were always fair to him and treated him well. I read it carefully and wrote him back. I told him I had really been angry at him but I was thankful he had wrote. I told him I probably didn't do everything just right either. We write once in a while.
rob333 - how old is your son? I'm so impressed that he approached you and apologized. He must be quite a guy!
He's 13. He often puts me to shame with his actions (he's not trying to I just feel so inadequate! :); he's a thousand times more mature than I about these things. I am incredibly lucky he's in my life.
I'm the type that has to clear up misunderstandings very quickly. I have no problem saying I was wrong. Years ago when I started meditating I realized that when our egos get in front of a "situation" nothing good is going to happen. I try to quell my ego and think along the lines of the other person and how they feel. I'm not saying I won't stand up for myself but I am saying that some issues are just to menial to bother. Live is so short and love can be forever if you swallow your pride and fess up you may have screwed up. After a while it becomes so easy. That being said, as a child and young adult, I would NEVER give. lol
Thirteen! All my sons could do at that age was sulk and be miserable, that is, between the times when they were being totally wonderful. I am so impressed with your son.
Don't be so impressed. He's barely 13 and headed dead into puberty. UGH! We'll see how much longer it lasts. Enjoyin' while I can!
Rob, you touched my heart. Glad things are going so well for you and your son. Puberty is such a hard time and they need us more than ever, so keep up the good work!
I don't have a problem with saying I'm sorry, but Harry sure did when we got married. I think it's easy if you feel in your heart that you know you aren't right. After a very, very long talk one day, Harry can now say "it". He can also tell his siblings that he loves them now. Such easy, short sentences that mean so much.
I don't have a problem saying either one. But I know that I can be a little hot headed and I also know that I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer and so I can be wrong. I do tend to stay away from confrontations and so that makes my life a little easier.
I think it is important that we know how to say sorry to not only our friends and loved ones but also to strangers.
13? Then I'm even more impressed. Like Dedtired, my son was sulky, moody and generally not fun. He's 24 now and getting better! ;) Don't feel inadequate; pat yourself on the back for raising a great son! :)
As a mother of a 13 y.o. son, I am very impressed. I thought you were talking about an adult. Hope this moment paves the way for any future struggles not escalating so much,
Sometimes its clear that I need to apologize. Sometimes though....I rely on my defensiveness to alert me that perhaps my ego is being challenged and if I can lay the defenses aside I find room to make amends. Not every time...cuz those defence mechanisms are sneaky.
amyfiddler: I so agree!
I usually don't have a hard time saying I'm sorry.
What I really DO NOT like, is when someone is supposedly
apologizing and they preface it with; If I offended anyone..... BLECH! No, either you are apologizing for
something you said or did because you realize you were
wrong, or you are not. Not if anyone was offended. I hear
that so much now. Just say, "I'm so very sorry. I was
wrong to say/do that?"