Having bad dreams about a friend from long ago

gogwmosOctober 30, 2012

I had a friend in my early twenties, we were inseparable and we partied and drank almost every night with lots of different groups of friends. She was a great drinking buddy but never a real "friend". I was sort of anti-social in my teen years and to find her was something I never experienced.

Later in the 4 years we hung out together she started doing mean things, being nasty to me in public, insulting me, whenever I had a boyfriend she would put me down in front of him. In college I got a really bad cut and was put on anti-biotics and of course got a yeast infection from it. She told everyone I had an STD.

On my 21st birthday party (over the summer, back home) she threw a party at her parents' house. I was sitting on a chair and accidentally dropped my cigarette on a chair and it burned a small hole. When her mom saw it my friend threw me under the bus and her mom, instead of confronting me or even calling my mom she just sued my parents for the damage for the chair. My mom just paid her out of pocket, and to top it off, she kept the damaged chair AND the money my mom gave her to replace the chair, so I guess it was like mother like daughter.

All during this time things would start disappearing: my wallet was stolen from a nightclub (she suggested I look in the toilet tanks and voila! There it was, empty of course, but I did get it back). Clothes and money disappeared, I blamed it on partying and my roommate who was a little shady herself.

Right before college was out for summer vacation, I had left my wallet in her car when we went to a party out at some picnic sites. My boyfriend was there too, and all of the sudden she and another friend of ours just upped and left. I chased after them but she just left. When I saw her next she said she never found my wallet, I must have brought it to the picnic. When I got home from college my mom questioned me about some charges on my credit card that was in my wallet. They were from Dillards (the Dooney and Bourke section, her favorite purses), Senor Frogs which was her and the other girl's favorite restaurant) and a couple other of her favorite stores at the mall. I knew exactly who took it, but covered for her.

Then, on our last night of our sophomore year in college my boyfriend and I overslept and she didn't bother to wake me, she just packed up her car and drove 6 hours home alone when she was my ride home. My boyfriend helped me finish packing and drove me back home, bless him.

We drifted apart at that point, but about 12 years later I saw her at the casino I worked at at the time, and it was right before my wedding. We were happy to see each other and I told her I would send and invitation for our wedding and made plans to go to the St. Louis Mardi Gras but she never showed up. I emailed her and told her I didn't want to pursue this friendship, I wished her the best of luck and that was that, but she thought it was because she didn't show up to the bar on Mardi-Gras. I told her it had nothing to do with that, it was just that we were on two separate paths and we should just part ways. That was the end of that.

Between then and the invite NOT going out I found out from a mutual friend (but she didn't know we were friends, she thought we were just acquaintances) until they were talking and she told huge lies to our mutual friend, not realizing that I was much close to the mutual friend than she was, and the mutual friend told me everything. Needless to say is that the invite got scrapped.

Anyway, now you are all slapping your head and saying what an idiot I am, and you are right. I WAS an idiot, but I gained the best lesson, how to choose your REAL friends and for that I am grateful that something good came of it.

Recently I found her on Facebook. I told her that I really thought she should apologize to my mom (who adored her, my parents didn't know the whole story) for stealing from her. I also contacted the girl who went on the shopping spree with her, and that girl spilled everything, even things I didn't know about.

After a month with no apology I contacted her again and really told her off, everything I had been thinking for 20 years but never told her. She denied everything, called me a "disease-ridden whore" and blocked me from FB.

Sorry so long, but here is the problem. Every night I dream about her, both as friends and as mortal enemies. I can't shake her out of my head and I don't know what to do.

Any suggestions? How can you change your dreams?

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I'm sorry to hear of all the troubles your "friend" caused you. I think your dreams will go away on their own if you can come to terms with her toxic influence in your life and resolve to never let it invade your peace again. I'm sure you have already realized it was a mistake to contact this woman even after all this time, because the apologies and responsibility that you want from her will never come. It is best to end all contact with this woman, and also tell any mutual friends that you may share that you do not want to know anything about her from now on, for your own happiness and health.

As far as dealing with the pain, I suggest writing a letter "to her," but destroying it afterward. Make it as long as you need to get all of your thoughts down, and make it as hateful or sweet as you want. You will never be able to make her accept and admit that she has done many bad things to you and your family, but you can accept what happened in the past, resolve that it will never happen again and move on. I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 9:28AM
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For you to move on, it might help for you to know, you don't deserve her unkind actions, but you are free to forgive her. If you do and she doesn't accept it, it doesn't cancel out your forgiveness, nor does it mean you deserve her unkindness. I can't imagine how she wound up where she has. You're not an idiot, you're a kind soul. Be at peace dear, and my deepest wishes for peaceful dreams.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 10:11AM
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It sounds like post-traumatic stress, & I'm not being glib.

Be good to yourself, forgive yourself for having been taken in, chalk it up to whatever, *& leave it in the past*.

("Leaving it in the past" has helped me to shake off things that cannot be changed.)

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 10:28AM
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I agree with Sylvia. Forgive yourself, I think it's more
about you than her. You know what kind of a person she
is. Forgive yourself, and move on. She is not worth
the energy you are giving her.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 11:23AM
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Forgive yourself, but also forgive her. Forgiving her doesn't mean that you need to tell her that, nor even contact her (in fact, I would not recommend contacting her, given her recent response). It simply means that it is in the past, you can't change the past & she can't do or say anything that will change it either. You "accept" that what happened, happened & that you are moving on & not letting it occupy any space in your thoughts or actions.

If you have a happy life now, be grateful. It really doesn't sound like she is someone you would've wanted to bring back into your life. Don't feel guilty about that... that seems appropriate not to do that. You can't "fix" her.

I think you will probably stop dreaming about her simply b/c you wrote all this out here. The suggestion above to write "everything" down to her & then destroy it, is also a good suggestion. Good luck.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 12:04PM
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I can say the exact same thing! I had a friend in my early twenties, we were inseparable and we partied and drank almost every night with lots of different groups of friends. She was a great drinking buddy but never a real "friend". My 'friend' didn't steal from me though, she was a sociopath.. sabotaging all my other relationships, she lied and had no remorse for anything she did. I feel like a fool for putting up with her all those years.

Accept that she was a 'friend' in that she filled a need you had at the time, you did have good times together... but let her go now. Focus on a present and a future without her.

BTW... I'm also from the St. Louis area.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 12:07PM
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Reason Season Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
Or to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
The season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person anyway;
And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Author � Unknown

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 1:14PM
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What helps me is I pray a short prayer asking forgiveness, and then I put the problem in God's hands for Him to take care of it and it seems it gradually disappears from my dreams. But that is me. I try not to talk/think about it just reminding ME that
God is in control.
By the way, I am not a real religous person. I do have somethings that seem to help me.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 1:17PM
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Move on. No further action required.

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 3:14PM
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She is a narcissist or a sociopath or a narcissistic sociopath...HA! You are thinking about it and dreaming because you keep trying to reconnect with this person(facebook) for some strange reason....you are looking for closure I supposed which you will not get from a person like she is. You are trying to make rational sense out of the irrational person that she is. I'd be avoiding this person at all costs and making it a point never to cross paths with this person ever again! CREEPY!

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 3:46PM
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I have a piggy bank that I call my "GOD CAN". Whenever I have a problem I write it down on a piece of paper, fold it, then put it through the slot and say God can and forget about it.
It really works.


    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 5:58PM
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Thanks to most of you, I think that writing this out last night WAS my letter to her, and I slept dream-free of her last night after I wrote this.

There is almost no chance of me ever crossing paths again. We don't live in the same state anymore.

Lydia, you do know me, just think of the coffee jar and spoon. ;-)

    Bookmark   October 30, 2012 at 8:18PM
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Your only mistake was not disolving your association with her as soon as you found out what kind of character she was. No real friend would treat you this way. She was a "user", a person who uses other people to their advantage without regard toward them. Apparently, lying comes easily and is smooth enough to cover for her. What a sad thing.

I am wondering if her drinking habit is part of the problem. In any case, you owe her nothing and should move on for your own sanity and safety. If you don't move on, some day, a situation will arise and a well placed lie will put you in major trouble.

You have been a loyal friend to her and made allowances, but it is time to stop. There are limits on how far you should extend your good graces. As I see it, that is part of the problem. Your aquaintence knows you desire her for a friend and takes advantage of it. She has treated you rotten and you should not allow this to continue. It will only get worse. Separate yourself from her. If she treats others the same way, they too, will soon dash away.

Be prepared to live with the idea that she never did want you as a friend. Surely, you have other good aquauntences. Cultivate those and you'll be happier.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2012 at 3:29AM
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Jimdandy, I don't think you read my post and the responses in full.

I have only seen her once in the last 20 years. "After a month with no apology I contacted her again and really told her off, everything I had been thinking for 20 years but never told her."

And and she absolutely knows I don't want her friendship "I emailed her and told her I didn't want to pursue this friendship, I wished her the best of luck and that was that"

    Bookmark   October 31, 2012 at 4:09AM
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Thank you for the update; I am so glad this seems to have resolved for you. Happy future dreams!

    Bookmark   October 31, 2012 at 9:00AM
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Hi gogwmos,

Sometimes I check old messages just before they drop over the edge into the abyss, and saw this from you today.

I checked your page, to see whether I could send you a private email, but such option isn't available.

If you see this ... I hope that your dreams/nightmares have become long gone, by now.

ole joyful

    Bookmark   February 27, 2013 at 5:06PM
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