I need to vent...and some advice...no lecturing, please

JeanInWaAugust 2, 2012

I moved a little over a year ago to be with a man I met online. Things really have been wonderful, except now he seems to be cycling, and of course when the depression hits, it's because of something I've done, or not done, and always something of a personal nature.

I do have some experience with mental health issues. My ex husband was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder after almost ten years of symptoms. I really don't want to be on this roller coaster ride again, where everything is my fault. OK, I know that it's NOT my fault, but when he's depressed, and it's because of something he thinks I've done, I feel like crap and don't know how or even if I should defend myself. Usually when this happens, it comes without warning and on the heels of him feeling great, then POW....he shuts down, mopes, and after 3 or 4 days of giving him space, I make him talk about it. That's when I find out something that I allegedly did to cause him to feel this way. Sometimes, it's been a misunderstanding, most times, what ever I did or said was taken the wrong way. I love this man, but I don't know how much more I can take. I feel I'm being emotionally abused. He has not been diagnosed. We have talked about the possibility of him being bipolar, and he says he hasn't been able to find a dr. I think he just doesn't want to know for sure.

I have been clinically depressed in the past, haven't been on any meds for about 4 years and been doing great up until now. It would be so easy to shut down, but I don't want back in that black pit of depression. Maybe I'm the one who needs to go see a therapist?

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I hope you feel better by venting. There is much we all can say but by your heading, this is not what you want right now.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 7:33AM
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rhizo_1 (North AL) zone 7

Yes...you need to see the right health care ptofessional. You must take care of yourself first. Then, if you feel so inclined, you'll be better able to deal with the mental illness of the boyfriend. Or get the strength to leave and be on your own.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 7:36AM
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It definitely sounds like bi-polar. If he's diagnosed as such, at least he can take meds and life would be a lot better for both of you. It's not fair to be treated the way that you are.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 7:39AM
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Jean, the situation you describe is crazy-making. I can recommend a book, Contagious Emotions (used prices are reasonable), and second the suggestion that you consult with a therapist of your own, but I also recommend that you take a hard look at how much more time and emotion you can realistically invest in this relationship while maintaining your own mental health.

You've been through something similar already, and you're right--you don't want to do it again.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 8:04AM
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If you read your post again - you have answered your own question. Take care of yourself - first. You seserve it - I wish you happiness.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 8:06AM
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Why is this so common? Divorce one spouse then marry the exact same type again. You loved your husband once too. If you weren't willing/able to fix, adjust, live with his issues what makes you want to with this one? What makes you think you can? He needs to be on meds. He needs to get in control of himself, he, he, he...you need to________. You know what goes in the blank. Shorter term sorrow for long time PAIN.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 8:19AM
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I have no experience with this whatsoever, but I think you both should see someone. I commend you for not just baling out at the first rough spot, for at least willing to find a solution. Too many people these days cut and run when the "stars and the moon feelings" go away.

Obviously you can't make him go, but you can go yourself and hopefully find the help you need to understand and deal with him if that's what you choose to do.

Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 8:21AM
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Jean, I can relate to what you're going through, and yes - we tend to fall for the same personality type time after time. He has a chemical imbalance in his brain and needs to get a diagnosis and medication. I wish you strength and courage to do what you know you must do.

Come and talk/vent any time you want - we are here to listen.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 8:31AM
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Good Morning Jean,

Anyone who has followed my posts can testify that I suffer from a very advanced Bi-polar condition which is officially known as "Advanced Manic-Depression", and on two or three occassions I have made some rather lengthy posts describing what its like living with this condition. In my case I can be the life of the party for weeks, then all of the sudden, without any warning as if someone turned the lights out, I can instantly go into a near suicidal state of depression which may last an hour or it may last months. As if that isn't enough, when I go into the depression mode I also suffer from Panic Attacks and Agoraphobia (the fear of leaving the house). In fact, just last fall I went through a bout where I did not leave the house, not even to check the mailbox on the front porch or go out in the back yard from the first of October until well into February.

I wish Jan could be here to testify to what I am about to tell you. When ppl with a Bi-polar condition slump into the depressive state one of the first things that goes to way side is personal hygene. I have been known to wear the same clothes for two or three weeks, and went 4 or 5 weeks between showers, and Jan could tell you, just the mere mention that I need a shower will result in an argument of some sort. When I go into that state quite often Jan will just wait till I undress for bed, then she will quietly snatch the clothes and put them in the laundry, then she lays out a similar outfit so they are ready to put on when I wake up. Sometimes she lays the clean clothes out in the bathroom and when I ask what happened to my clothes she will say, "I laid them out in the bathroom, along with your shower things in case you might want to take a shower". Sometimes it works and sometimes it don't, but either way, it beats arguing about taking a shower.

Let us talk about how YOU deal with this problem?

First off, DO NOT martire yourself by accepting blame when the incidents break out. The problem is in your hubbies brain, but even he doesn't know it, and given that he doesn't know it, he is not prepared to deal with it.

Now taking this to the next level, most men are extremely reluctant to see a head shrink because they feel that merely talking to a shrink will label them as crazy, which of course challenges their manhood. And I can guarantee that the more you suggest he see a doctor the more hesitant or totally resistant he will become.

So what can you do? Well, here is the time for women to do the one thing they are exceptionally good at, get sneaky...LOL.

First off, I have had to psychiatrists tell me that there is nothing in the meds for Bi-polar that would normally require a prescription except for the fact that the drugs are still in clinical trials.. There is another alternative. The primary active ingredient in the Meds is "Sertraline". If you go to a health food store and get a bottle of "St.John's Wart" and take two capsules a day it will have basically the same effect. Now whether you get the prescription meds or the St.Johns Wart keep in mind that it takes about 7 to 10 days to build up a level in your system to have the required effect.

You also stated that perhaps you should see a shrink to help you manage the problem. Great idea, but ask your shink to take it to the next level. After you have had a couple sessions ask the shrink to ask your hubby come in for consultation with you. Tell hubby that the shrink needs hubbies input to wrk on your case. A couple joint sessions then the shrink will have enough info that he could quietly take hubby aside and give him the meds telling him it will make it easier for him to deal with your problem. Once the meds have him stabilized the doctor will be able to explain it all to him.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 9:07AM
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Sounds like wonderful advice, from someone who knows.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 9:16AM
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sweet_betsy No AL Z7

Thank you, Lazypup, for a wonderfully open, informative, helpful post.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 10:17AM
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Sometimes people fall in love but soon find out it's a "toxic" love so beware that you're not following a pattern, your post indicates that you feel like it's happening all over again and so it is and now you have to decide the next step. We learn by our mistakes but some often make the same one over and over.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 10:30AM
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Sending some good thoughts your way.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 11:07AM
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I believe we unconsciously choose similar traumatic situations repeatedly in hopes to conquer it/fix it/prevail over it once and for all.

Similarly, but in regards to spirituality, I've heard that perhaps we are put into circumstances to learn a lesson that our soul needs to learn in this lifetime.

Who knows, but humans do seem to go down the same path over and over until we figure it out. My only advice is to do what you need to to make yourself happy. You can't keep being blamed for someone else's problems that they aren't willing to address. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or moods. Anyone that tells you that is being manipulative and needs to do some self-reflection. Perhaps at this time in your life you should do what's right for you and not worry about someone else. I don't know what that means for you, but you can figure that out for yourself. Therapy is a great way to start.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 1:04PM
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Take care of yourself first. If you are not strong and well you can't handle the situation that you are in.

You don't want advice so I won't give it. You've been through this before.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 1:53PM
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I never could buy that "we choose the same pain over & over".

It sounds to me exactly like blaming the victim.

Why would anybody choose pain?

What makes sense to me is that we really are all "actors on a stage";
we learn our role very early, & forever after, when someone feeds us the right cue, we deliver our lines.

Very nice if your early conditioning grants you the role of the queen, but if you're the scapegoat or victim, this play is not going to get you a happy life.

I my own self think the best thing to do is to..
do someting different.

When you get these cues that it's time for you to coax him, don't coax him.

When it's time to take a verbal or emotional beating, smile & disengage & walk away.

I like lazypup's advice re: St John's Wort, & I'd add one more hint:
oxygenating the blood *always* helps.

Depression makes us not want to move at all (read lp's description of not going into the back yard, etc), but aerobic exercise is the only thing I know that is guaranteed to help without costing a dime.

The trick is doing it (or dragging the other person off to the gym to do it).

The best way I've found to make myself exercise, being the anti-jock that I am, is to obligate myself to other people.

Years ago, when I went through a break-up, I started a Jazzercise class at church.

I was the only one who knew the routines, so I was the leader;
I *had* to be there.

It worked.

The other thing, of course, is that this relationship is a drain & is very likely to keep draining you until you're empty.

Another thing you can change is your involvement in it at all.

I wish you all the best.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 2:08PM
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Not being in relationships like you described, cannot (will not) offer advice. Several here who have been thru it have offered their advice. Just sending hugs and good thoughts for what you decide.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 2:14PM
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"I never could buy that "we choose the same pain over & over".
It sounds to me exactly like blaming the victim.
Why would anybody choose pain?"

People choose pain all the time. There must be a reason. The person is getting 'something' out of it, otherwise they would choose differently. Maybe they aren't going into it consciously aware they are making a decision that will inevitably bring them pain, but if they thought hard enough about it they could probably come to that conclusion.

If you think that by recognizing that human beings often repeat our same mistakes is blaming the victim, you are taking all power away from the "victim". Everyone has some degree of choice. I'm not saying there aren't many things that influence those choices, but there is always some amount of choice. Everyone knows people (or maybe themselves) who make the same mistakes over and over and over. Only that person can make a different choice the next time. I'm not saying it's easy to break a cycle, but it can be done, especially if a person figure out WHY they are making certain choices.

Anyway, probably a topic for a different post, as to not further hijack this one.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 2:28PM
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He is the problem, not what you did, didn't do, said or didn't say...quite blaming yourself for his problems.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 3:16PM
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I'm sorry you are unhappy. What can you do to change that?

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 3:27PM
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Re Lazypup's advice:

Well, here is the time for women to do the one thing they are exceptionally good at, get sneaky...LOL.

I can't comment on the efficacy of St. John's Wort, but when I read the advice about going behind his back I thought immediately of the following: When my DH was sliding into dementia, I remember how awful I felt the first time I had to humor him. After 30 years of being nothing but honest with him, I now had to do things behind his back, and tell him things that might be less than truthful. It had to be done, but the nature of the relationship changed in that moment.

Lazypup's assessment of women aside (and I'm not arguing with it...I can be sneaky for a good cause), you might want to think about the ramifications of this before you decide to do it.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 3:55PM
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My DH is Bipolar and I have been where you are at. Under no circumstances should you be giving him OTCs or herbs like St. John's wart.

You need to find a time when you both can speak civily and set an ultimatum. If he wants to continue in this relationship he must agree to see a doctor.

If he is Bipolar the best time to talk is when he is depressed or level. You can never never reason with one who is in a manic stage of the illness. When they are depressed is when they are ready to seek help.

There are many drugs available these days besides lithium. The right combination can work wonders but it can s take some time to find it. Another problem is that many Bipolar people are misdiagnosed for years with depression. The average I think , is ten years! Anti-depressants taken alone are extremely dangerous for a Bipolar individual. They can bring up a psychotic episode which is much uglier and far more dangerous than normal manic behavior.

Seeing a therapist for yourself is good idea but be very careful, You need someone who understands the difference between being depressed and living with the depressed or bipolar. Because I have had to exhibit the strength to carry on I myself appeared depressed (probably was,but not clinically) and to this day many who don't understand the circumstances see me as a class A witch with a b. I have learned not to let others judge me and I have also learned to share with others. I am proud of my strength and I make no excuses for it. DH and I agree that it is best for both of us not to hide his illness. We would not if we were dealing with a cancer so why hide a mental condition which is no body's fault? I feel verrry strongly that mental illness has to come out of the closet and the stigma removed. It is insane that the recent focus on health care is free birth control but mental health care is never even talked about. Why isn't therapy covered by insurance? Why do so many companies that cover it only allow 3 or 4 visits a year?

I recommend you contact NAMI. The link is below. They have assistance for both the victims of mental illness and those who live with them. There are all kinds of resources and support groups. You can attend a friends and family group. They have another more intense program called family to family which offers highly effective assistance to those in your situation.

I also recommend these two books. Depression Fallout and both by Anne Sheffield.

Ann also has a website with resources and a forum. Just Google "depression fallout" and it should come up.

Good luck to you both.

Here is a link that might be useful: NAMI

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 4:40PM
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You did say that you need some advice (in addition to needing to vent); what you don't want is lecturing. I understand that - no lectures.

I think you've gotten some great advice here. I have zero experience with your situation, so can only offer my heartfelt best wishes to you as you work through this.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 5:00PM
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You might want to do some research into Borderline Personality Disorder via the Mayo Clinic or WebMD.

Here is a link that might be useful: BPD Symptoms

    Bookmark   August 2, 2012 at 5:32PM
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Well, you're here to vent. I've read your trouble which would be the same as I've listened. There are plenty of advises already given. So, what I can give you is a big hug to comfort you, (((((JeaninWA)))))

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 1:04AM
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You all are wonderful. This is not something I knew about when we met. It's a fairly recent development and has happened maybe 4 times, but it's enough to worry me. We talked about it, and we are going to go to couples counseling to begin with. He's a wonderful man most of the time, very loving and caring and makes me feel beautiful, sexy, and secure...then WHAM.....something I've said or done has thrown him, and I pay for it. The thing is, I usually haven't got a clue what it was!!

I wouldn't say I've gone down the same path. It's just that having him say I'm doing things or saying things that are so out of context with how I meant them is remanisent of what I went through before, and I think that's what scares me.
I was with my first husband for ten years through his illness. He was very paranoid...to the point that he was sure the house was bugged, and I was being blackmailed into prostitution! It was hell, but I loved the man he HAD been, and we'd been married 16 years already. I wasn't about to give up on him. It was only when he refused treatement, and went off his meds and was totally paranoid and delusional, that I HAD to leave for my own safety. That was the worst day of my life.

Wildchild, thank you for the link...I know about NAMI, but I'd forgotten.

Lazypup....you, in all your craziness are a godsend. Thank you. Thank you so much.

To all those sending hugs and prayers, you have "filled my bucket". Heartfelt thanks to you.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 1:52AM
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I just noticed I must of accidentally deleted the title of one of the books I recommended in my post.

It should read Depression Fallout AND How To Survive When They're Depressed. Both books are by Ann Sheffield.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 4:39AM
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You've only known the man for ONE YEAR, run run run!!!!!!! It takes a good year or two to know someone and for the honeymoon phase to end. The honeymoon is over for him and he's showing his true colors now.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 6:31AM
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I agree with arkansas girl. Unfortunately, you can't fix someone else.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 6:53AM
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you saved your life once....

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 10:58AM
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I agree too.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 2:35PM
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Glad someone else said it first. RUN. Get out of there. You owe this man nothing nor do you need a man in your life to make it feel complete. Go. Now.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 3:05PM
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So - you're the cause of all of his troubles ... sulks ... black moods ... whatever?

And who the hell was ... before you showed up?

When is this guy going to take charge of his own life ...

... rather than claiming that you're in charge ... controlling ... bulldozing him?

Dad used to tell me ... to pick up my own damn marbles!

((((Jean in WA)))))

ole joyful

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 4:29PM
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"WHAM.....something I've said or done has thrown him, and I pay for it. The thing is, I usually haven't got a clue what it was!!"

uh-oh, I missed the main point entirely.

You did describe his behavior in your original post, but when you said it was depression, I responded to "depression".

Sulking, pouting, giving someone the silent treatment, punishing someone & refusing to discuss what her "transgression" was isn't depression;
it's abuse.

This guy is far from depressed;
he's enjoying himself immensely.

He's causing you anxiety, worry, stress, & guilt, & if he plays his cards right, maybe he'll hit the jackpot & he can push *you* right into a full-blown depression.

No amount of counselling "helps" people who like to cause other people pain;
they usually enjoy the game of outsmarting both their partner/victim and the counsellor, but people who enjoy what they're doing don't change.

The only thing that will change them would be a personality & character transplant, & that's too much to ask of counselling or medication.

You can't make a sadist into a good partner.

This will never get better, & it won't even remain the same;
it will get worse.

Pay attention to what ole joyful said, & pick up your marbles on your way out the door.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 5:03PM
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Glad I'm not the only one that says RUN.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2012 at 6:15PM
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Oh, I'm not going to run. This is something he has acknowledged, and more than willing to work on fixing. He knows that, even tho we talk it out (he absolutely did listen to my side) and things are better, he doesn't want to cause me pain again and is eager to have counseling. Yes, we are still in the honeymoon stage. We are still learning about each other and what pushes each others buttons, and what we each need from a relationship. When it's good, it's very very good. Better than anything I've ever known in my 55 years. We will work this out.
Like I said, I needed to vent and needed some advice. Time will tell if I should have taken some of the advice I got here, but until then, I will do what is in my heart to do. I love this man so much, that when I (knowingly or not, intentionally or not) caused him pain, it literally broke my heart. He was in pain. Should he have been? Well, probably not, and that is why we will be going to counseling. He's scared shitless about the possibility of being bipolar, but wants things good between us and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it so.
Thanks again for letting just get this out there. It's helped alot.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2012 at 8:53AM
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Hello again Jean,

First off, let me commend you for your opening statement in your last post, quote-"Oh, I'm not going to run."

Onc upon a time ppl really did try to live up to their vows, To have and to hold, IN SICKNESS & IN HEALTH till death do us part, but sadly with the advent of no fault divorce the vows now should read to have as long as you continue to kiss my azz!

From your posts it is obvious that you do truely desire to live out the vows, but that does not mean that you must live a life of pain either. The operative word is "sickness". Would you cut & run if your hubbie was diagnosed with diabetes or heart desease? The same thing is happening here, your hubbie has an illness. The difference being that the illness your hubbie suffers is very easy to treat, and if properly treated it has no long lasting health effects like diabetes or heart disease has.

According to your post you have already completed the most difficult part of his treatment, you have civilly discussed the problem and you are now both in agreement thatsome form of treatment will be necessary.

The problem now is that "He's scared shitless about the possibility of being bipolar". Lets cut to the chase here, he is not scarred that he could be Bi-polar, Both you and he are in agreement that the condition probably exists now,
he is scared that he will be officially listed as such, but you can take my word for it, even if he is officially diagnosed as having a Bi-polar condition only he,his psychiatrist and druggist will be privy to that knowledge unless he opts to tell someone. In fact, from my experience even the psychiatrists now generally tend to have their office in a clinic so when your sitting in the waiting room and you finally get called for treatment the other ppl in the room don't know if your seeing a shrink, an MD, or a proctologist..LOL

Oh yes, if money or a lack of healt insurance is a problem do not let that hold you back. In nearly every community they have clinics that will take you in for consultation for just a couple dollars and all the shrinks I have ever seen (and that is a bunch) will generally give you free samples of the meds until they work out which one is best for you.

Now let me tell you what to expect when you go to the shrink, on second thought, let me tell you what not to expect...LOL

Generally when ppl go to a shrink the go in and sit down and the shrink begins asking questions, to which they reply while he takes notes and before you know it your hour is up and your on your way out the door feeling like that was a total waste of time. He gave you no prescription and no friendly advice on how to begin dealing with the problem. You sign out at the nurses station she will tell you when your expected to return, and you will probably have a repeat of the first session, Q&A for an hour and off you go, feeling like this whole experience is a waste of time and money but please, if I can offer you no other advice, please stay with the interviews.

The problem is that back in 1954 when they first published DSM-1 (Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) there was no recognized Bi-Polar condition. In those days they only recognized Manic-Depresson 1, Manic-Depression 2 & Battle Fatigue and that was repeated in the DSM-2 in the 60's and those conditions went untreated unless the individual had suffered a severe Manic State involving hulicinations or a severe Depressive state involving a suicide attempt and the treatment was a minimum two week stay for clinical observation followed by a prescription for litium...(not something I care to take again, TY).

The DSM-3 was published in 1979 and in addition to the 3 conditions mentioned about, it also included a lesser condition called Bi-polar.

To the best of my knowledge they are currently using the DSM-5, which was published by the AMA in 1994 and in addition to the illnesses listed above, the DSM-4 lists over 40 different types of Bi-polar conditions. In fact, Bi-polar is the most commonly diagnosed form of mental illness today, and all the shrinks are saying they are just seeing the tip of the iceburg here. According to the AMA over 65% of the general population suffers from some form of a Bi-polar condition but most go totally through life undiagnosed.

Now as you can see, most of the bi-polar conditions were not even listed as an illness until 1994 so as you might expect, the pharmaceutical industry is just now getting a handle on what to make. From my experience there are about 6 or 8 meds in common use for Bi-polar conditions and although they all seem to treat the condition fine, they each have their own set of side effects. I have had some that make me literally feel like I am drunk 24/7, others hit me as a downer, making me want to sleep all day, one caused me severe indigestion. The problem here is that it takes about 6 to 10 days for the med to build up enough in your system to stabilize the bi-polar condition, but in many cases the side effects will show up in day or two. What I can tell you here is if you are given a med that has a severe side effect, do not wait for you next doctors visit. Call his office immediately and he/she will put you on something else.

I can tell you this. Once they determine which med is the magic bullet for your case, you will love it. You get up in the morning and take one tiny pill, which will have about the same side effect as if you swallowed an M&M.
, but I must also give you a caution about the meds.

Far too often we who have the condition will faithfully take our meds for a few months, then out of pure stupidity we get to thinking we don't need it any more.

Remember my previous post where I said I had a replapse from October until January? Well, you guessed it, I went off my meds like a fool.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2012 at 11:15PM
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Hats off to LazyPup

    Bookmark   August 4, 2012 at 11:19PM
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Standing ovation > Lazypup!!!

DH takes two meds. It has changed our lives and saved our relationship. Is it perfect? Of course not but when I compare it to many others who don't even have mental illness in thier family I feel lucky lucky lucky.

    Bookmark   August 4, 2012 at 11:50PM
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There is nothing like a first hand experience to learn from....or many 'first hand experiences'. Thank you for helping me to understand.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 2:02AM
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what he is most worried about is not stigma...it's losing his creativity on meds. He's a writer, a producer, director, editor of short films. He lives and breaths it. Loves it. He would be a shell if he lost that. I honestly think I would rather have him shut down a couple times a year, than lose what makes him...him.

I am no stranger to dealing with mental illness...if you don't know what schizoaffective disorder is, it's kind of like a combination of bipolar and schizoprhenia. Scary stuff I tell ya! Especially when you don't know what's going on! I was there for my ex for ten years...TEN YEARS of supporting him, being strong for my kids who were just 12 and 10 at the time, of making phone calls, appointments, cajoling, pleading, crying, and trying to claw my way out of my own pit of depression. He had been my rock, and my rock turned to quicksand and tried to drown me. No, I won't do that again. What I'm dealing with now is not the same. It HAS drug up some of those same emotions I had, but HE is not dealing with schizoaffective disorder. His shut down lasts less than a week....so far, and we WILL be getting help. WE will be getting help.

LP..my ex would have relapses EVERY STINKING autumn...I HATED the days getting shorter...even on his meds he would have them...because he wasn't on the RIGHT meds.
It was so heartbreaking to live with, knowing he was fighting demons he thought were so very real. He is living in a hell most people could never even imagine. It was a world I had to leave. Sad, so so so so sad.

No, I'm no stranger to the world of mental illness...and that's exactly what it is. An illness. No different from cancer or heart disease or multiple sclerosis. Thing is, the one who's ill often thinks it's everyone else who has the problem. My sweety acknowledges he has a problem. And I acknowledge I have a problem too.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 9:46AM
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Lazypups, you said it all so well and so intellegently. My grandson is bipolar and you're one of a few who really understands. Thank you for sharing, that was great.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 10:15AM
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WOW Jean,, I wish to extend to you a million appologies because there is another topic in this discussion that I meant to cover before but somehow I got side tracked.

The research statistics have born out that the Bi-polar condition is extremely prevalent amongst artistic ppl. In fact, Although Bi-polar was not even officially recognized until the published the DSM-4 in 1994, in the art world they have commonly used a phrase for centuries that describes an artist in the depressive state.Have you ever heard an old masters work as being from his "blue period"? On teh other hand, how many master artists have died early by their own hand, suicide is another common problem for ppl with an advanced Bi-polar condition.

You can take my word for it,,,when your on the Meds you can still have fun talking to a frog...LOL..You just have to kiss the loud abusive outbursts and thoughts of suicide goodbye...

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 11:07AM
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I haven't read all the posts but I did start to read lazypup's post...as far as I can tell I don't see any mention of "vows". I saw that she's met this guy on line a year ago but not a thing about a marriage. I saw that she has divorced someone that she was married to that was pretty much the same as the new guy and divorced him becausae of his actions. I don't see anything wrong with getting out while the getting's good before you waste too much time trying to change someone with a supposed mental illness!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 12:03PM
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"oh I'm not going to run"

OK so good luck with that!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 12:05PM
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The good thing about having a medical disorder is that there is often a medical solution to address it.

I've known only a few people who told me they had been diagnosed as bi-polar. In those cases it was a familial trait, inherited from the maternal side. Does anyone here know if that is typical?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 1:30PM
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Since moving back to ND which along with Mt, Minn etc are considered norther tier states I have met many people who are bi-polor or similar illnesses. I too had similar symptoms until the Dr. checked my Vit. D. level. And it was way down. I AM NOT saying this is a cure, or anything like it, but between getting it leveled out, and taking B-complex etc I do feel much better in the fall and spring. But that is me and just a suggestion to have your vit D level checked. I never had anything like that in CA, maybe the weather plays into it also. We seem to feel the pressure more here, and don't know why. Just my thoughts.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 2:10PM
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There is no reason for a person to be ok with being attacked or mistreated or to be expected to tiptoe through life. Boundaries.....

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 6:54PM
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Chisue, I don't know if it's true about the maternal side but show me a person who is bipolar and I will find a family member in their past who also had "issues".

Unfortunately a lot of Bipolar traits (and other mental health conditions) are overlooked as quirks or just people making bad choices. Things like serial marriage or relationships,alcoholism,drug use,obsessiveness, "artistic temperament" etc.

There is still a trend to blame nurture or background for certain criminal behaviors. An example would be be something like "he takes drugs because his father drank and beat him". No one takes the next step of considering the possibilty he takes drugs to self medicate and his father drank and beat him because father was mentally ill also.

It's much more comfortable for people to look at things as good or evil or appropriate or inappropriate. Looking deeper and beyond is uncomfortable and scary for most.

No one wants to look too closely at dysfunctional generations of families. It is easier to blame culture and nurture rather than nature. The idea of so many mentally ill is too frightening for the general population. But until mental illness is de-stigmatized nothing will change.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 7:06PM
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I also saw no mention of marriage. In my eyes, that makes the situation somewhat easier. I understand your reasons for wanting to be with this man, he sounds interesting and exciting. I don't know what I would do in your situation. It's very easy to say "RUN" without factoring in so many variables. Nobody actually knows a situation except the two people in that situation, and sometimes not even then! Couples counseling sounds like a great idea and may be a springboard to more individualized therapy. I hope it helps, but if a year or two go by and the situation becomes worse (which I do think may happen), cut your losses and then RUN.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 8:38PM
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No. We aren't married. And, I didn't meet him just a year ago. I moved here a little over a year ago. And, like I said, he's nothing like my ex, it's that my emotional triggers are being hit, and whether it's his fault, or my fault or everyone's fault or no ones fault, the fact is we were both suffering and we need to find a way to fix that. He is VERY open to that. The day I originally posted, I was feeling overwhelmed with "what if's" Since then, we have had deep deep discussions. To those who say RUN, I'm wondering if you ever get your feelings hurt, and if you run every time that happens? Hopefully, I'm mature enough to know better. If he hadn't been willing to get counseling, if he continuously blamed everything on me, if the mood lasted for more than a week, I don't know if I'd be able to handle that, but that's not the case.....we are getting help

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 9:52PM
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Best wishes for the two of you!

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 11:06PM
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Jean..send me an email to LazyPUp@yahoo.com

I think I can offer you some information that I am sure you would prefer not to post publicly.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2012 at 11:24PM
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