shadow wife when will i be his wife

shadow.wifeDecember 4, 2011

My husband was married for 33 years. She passed away in an auto accident. We met a year later. I wasnt sure if i ever wanted to be married again. But i met my husband and fell deeply in love with him he was so funny. we have now been married 3 years. The first year i was with him i would go to his decesed wife grave and put out flowers on holidays. never once have i gotten a thank you from any of his adult kids. I was doing it out of respect for her and my husband. Sometimes he calls me by her name i act like it doesnt bother me and i try to be understanding. the wall in the living room has alot of photos of the life they shared. i have not asked him to take them down for the fact that was apart of his life and memories. does it bother me yes but i have to think of his feelings. his adult kids have not made it easy on me at all but i cant say anything to him because he gets very defensive when it comes to his kids. so i cry . i love my husband with all my heart and im sorry his wife passed away but it wasnt my fault and i shouldnt be punished for it

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"The first year i was with him i would go to his decesed wife grave and put out flowers on holidays. never once have i gotten a thank you from any of his adult kids."
I'm sorry, but you should do something out of the kindness of your heart - not because you're expecting a thank you or recognition for it.

"his adult kids have not made it easy on me at all but i cant say anything to him because he gets very defensive when it comes to his kids."
We need more information. What have the adult kids done or not done to you?

Why do you feel you are being punished?

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 8:21AM
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Amber im not to good at writting or even trying to explain myself. please bare with me. this is my first time being on this site. I guess i came on here looking for advice. and how to fix the problems.When i was going to put flowers at her grave it was out of respect for her and my husband. But on the inside of my heart It hurts for her and her husband. I guess maybe i expected to much from his kids to say thank you. I realize that everyone has a different way of being. I guess im not sure what i was looking for from them. maybe i wanted to show them that i am a nice person and to just give me a chance is all. I am not here to try and take my husbands wifes place.. all i did was fall in love with someone my husband. I love him very much and there are times i can see him looking very sad and my heart hurts for him because he has lost his life partner. I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me.. but it was neither of there choices for this to happen.I have been told things from his kids like why dont i go rent the place across the street or like the new pots and pans i got never used yet but i did wash them and his daughter smelled them and said they smelled like fish. or how she went through the freezer and chekced dates of meat in it and said it needed to be cleaned out.. i had only been here in this house 2 weeks. but im also not use to having a freezer the big ones. i was lucky to have a pound of hamambuger in mine. so i did clean it out. then she went through the cuboards and looked at the dates threr were some that were a year old so i got that cleaned out.. then went around saying there is cob webs. she then asked me when my birthday was i told her and she said i will never remember that. each time things are said and done i am not mean to them or rude why because i love my husband im not going to make waves . he loves his kids so i will do what ever i have to so that things will run smooth. his son is addicited to drugs bad i have spent hours with him on the phone telling me he is going to take his life .for 4 years i have been having to put up with this. but i do it.even through it stress me out. he has stole from us alot and im not talking chump change. when his daughter come here the first thing they want to know is what there name is on in case anything happens to there dad. for 4 years i have been telling them they need to talk to him. they talk bad about my husband to me bad things and when they are done they tell me if i say anything to my husband they will deny it. if thats the case why do they need to keep saying things. he is my husband and i love him. they say if you want anything from him just be nice..the only thing i want from my husband is for us to have a good marriage. All the things i do for them i do it because my husband asks me to.. but i am almost at the point where i dont want to.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 7:24PM
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Wow, so this man married you one year after his wife died. I understand people take different lengths of time to grieve but one year seems rather quick to date and marry someone new. I don't mean to be harsh, but it does seem like JMT said in the other post it seems like you were probably in too much of a rush to play family and wanted to be instantly accepted and loved.

"I know he loves me or he wouldnt have married me" wrong, wrong, wrong, just because someone marries you does not mean they love you. They love you when they treat you and your feelings with respect. They love you when they put your needs before their own. They love you when your happiness means more to them than their own.

1. You rushed into this relationship expecting to be accepted with open, loving arms and now you're hurt because it didn't happen.
2. You think your husband loves you because "he married me"
3. Whenever the step daughter criticizes something in YOUR house you run to make it better.

These three things tell me you probably have some self esteem issues. I don't think "fixing" the problems is what you need. I think you should see a therapist for self esteem issues. Once you start to build yourself up, the step daughter's comments about the house won't get to you so much. You won't feel threatened by the pictures of the former wife in the house, and hopefully you'll gain some peace to let your husband deal with his kid's problems on his own.

BTW- there are some things you can't fix, nor should you. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to "fix" everything. Give yourself some peace.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 7:55PM
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maybe i do have some self esteam issues. But i didnt tell i met his kids.and your right maybe my husband needs to start dealing with his ADULT kids. speaking of his kids his daughter just called her dad purchazed her a car about 2 months ago and she came to him and said dad i need another car while her boyfriend drives the other one he bought her a suv nice car a week later she sold it cause she wanted the money.. now she just called and told me she got her kids all the toys for us to buy them clothes they could use them...oh and the grandaughter just got her 2nd lap top because she needed one that is 4kb..not to mention the 1965 mustange she had to have that she doesnt drive. my first year of marriage my husband spent over 150,000 on his 3 kids because he feels sorry for them loosing there mom ok i understand they are his kids he is helping them.. they each just got 36,000 for there moms death it was all gone in a month but thats ok i understand maybe in time it will heal all wounds.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 10:55PM
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There again, Shadow, the adult children are doing what their father allows them to do. At some point here you're going to have to accept that your husband played and continues to play a big part in how his children are and what they are doing.

Who cares what they did in a month with their mother's settlement. But this statement --"he feels sorry for them loosing there mom ok i understand they are his kids he is helping them"--is incorrect. He's not helping them, he's enabling them and he's using the loss of their mother as a crutch to do so.

On the other hand, what ever he does with his money he earned pre-you is not of your business. He has worked and built his those finances all on his own (with the help and support of his late wife, perhaps even through personal money of his late wife) is his to do with what he pleases and if giving it away is what he wants to do with it nothing stopping him. You need to seperate though the difference between 'helping them' and 'enabling them'.

Why he would continue to purchase something like vehicles for his kids to sell and/or trash is beyond me. If he wants to burn money, it's faster to just set a match to it. The kids did not just develop this 'lets use Daddy' attitude all by themselves. Obviously they were raised and are use to getting what they want when they want it and obviously Daddy pretty much likes it this way.

The only real say you have when it comes to his spending (and wasteful ways) is finances that are your money and/or your joint money. I seriously hope you did not go into this marriage thinking everything this man (and his late wife) built and worked for together for 33 years would now just simply be 'yours' and you'd have say and control over his previous money finances. That's not being very realistic and yes, it would set up the battle of all battles between him, the children and you. It is only what husband earns starting the day you say 'I do' that affects you.

The late wife passed away in an auto accident. If there were a settlement out of that accident and kids/husband got money out of it, that part of the finances have nothing whatsoever to do with you nor would that money be of any business of yours.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 8:42AM
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I agree thank you..I hope you have a very nice Christmas.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 10:02AM
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"The first year i was with him i would go to his decesed wife grave and put out flowers on holidays. never once have i gotten a thank you from any of his adult kids."

Sorry - but that would creep me out. You never even met the woman. I understand you mean this as a gesture of respect -- but isn't it just as respectful to (for example) buy some flowers for your *husband* to take to the graveyard? Or to make a donation to a charity in her honor? Too personal. Too intimate.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 3:11PM
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You know sweeby. Like i said before i was doing it out of respect. and i do know alot about her when there kids are around they tell me all about her and i lisen i can here the same hurt in there voice as i did when my mom passed away from canser she tryed fighting it for 18 months and she couldnt beat it. so i know the pain of loosing a mom and a dad. one time when me and my mom were putting flowers on my grandmas grave my mom looked at me and said i wonder if anyone will come out and put flowers on my grave when i am gone.if i recall i remember someone telling me that when we die we can look down from heaven i guess maybe on the inside of me i want her to know she hasnt been forgotten.. not that she is but what if they can see someone putting flowwers out there. by coming on this site i have learned alot of the things i have been doing wrong. i have kids of my own i have tryed to teach them how to be kind and good to people. its a good feeling to be good to people no matter who they are. anyways i still have alot to learn thank you for your input

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 5:27PM
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Don't put to much blame on yourself. Sounds like you are trying to be a good wife and supportive step mom. Sounds like your hubby has been spoiling his adult children long before you came into the picture..
He needs to learn to step back and let them grow up and handle their own finances and life choices. Some day daddy won't be their to step in and make it all right and pay for there cars. then its to late they haven't learned how to manage on their own with out dad.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 11:24PM
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