Drawing the battle lines...

imamommyDecember 12, 2009

Well, my son has been gone since the first week of November & his wife allowed the baby to stay with me during November. Of course, she got his paychecks because he didn't get the paperwork processed in time for it to go into our joint account that we set up the day before he left. When he left, he had just received an advance of nearly $2500 plus his regular pay. My DIL found an apartment the week he left & paid a deposit of $1000 but the first month rent was free with the year lease. She had well over $3000 left after that. She gave me NOTHING.... in fact, when she took him on visits (she took him over night to her mom's house 6 times), she had ME provide diapers, clean clothes & blankets. (much of which she hasn't given back so I've had to buy more bottles, blankets & clothes)

Toward the end of the month, I finally got my DGS's military insurance card & set him up with a doctor. I also found out he is 9 months old and his 6 month shots are due still. When he got sick, she was nowhere to be found... no rushing over to see him, no call to see how he's doing, no motherly comfort at all. WTH??? So, I arranged a doctor appointment & to get his shots.

But, then December 1st, my son's paycheck went into my account. She came and picked up DGS like she was just taking him for the day but while I was gone, she came to my house & took everything that belonged to him that she could find. She then called me incessantly, giving me sob story after sob story, why she NEEDS me to give her some money. (mind you, she did get $300 direct deposited to 'their' joint account.. the rest went into 'our' joint account.) When I wouldn't give her any money, she went to the bank and withdrew more than she had in her account and since my son is on both accounts, they pulled it from our joint account. So, I went the next day with my power of attorney & closed out their joint account. Needless to say, she is not very happy, however she has still brought DGS to me at least every couple of days for me to keep him overnight. She does not seem to be able to keep him for more than two nights in a row. Well, she brought him to me last week and told me he hadn't gone #2. I had him for three days and he was in so much discomfort/pain that it broke my heart. He didn't go #2 for the three days I had him... I gave him juice, prunes & glycerin suppository and took him to the doctor who didn't seem as concerned about it, but then he finally went. While he was constipated, she came by my office to see him for 5 minutes. She didn't even try to hold him, just reached down & rubbed his cheek. I saw what I think are track marks on her hand. As she was leaving, he cried out in pain. She was already across the room & just shrugged and said "ohhhh" and walked out. I don't know what is more sad, that he didn't cry because she was leaving.... or that she could walk out while he is wailing in pain. HE IS A 9 MONTH OLD BABY!!!

The latest is that she finally admitted to my DD19 that she was pregnant. I may have mentioned in my previous thread that she looks pregnant but was denying it. My son told us he wasn't sure if she was or not. Well, my daughter stopped by her apartment & she was higher than a kite. She 'slipped' and said my son broke up with her while she is pregnant the second time but she said she isn't pregnant anymore, then said "oops, I shouldn't say anything about it to you". She was rambling on, probably because she was intoxicated or high.

So, I have just completed my petition for guardianship and I know when she finds out, all hell is gonna break loose. I was hoping she would leave him with me by agreement and that was fine as long as all the money went to her. She paid NOTHING last month. Her cell phones were shut off and then she told me I need to pay it from the money that went into my account. I told her no, that other bills need to be paid first and she should have paid it last month. The new bill just arrived, which is the one I should have to pay. Well, she whined to my son that she has no food, no hot water, no phone, wah wah wah. I have had to set him straight on what is really going on here because she is giving him a totally different story. He still hopes she will step up and be a mom to their son... therefore, he is against me filing for guardianship. But, I promised him I would make sure DGS is cared for properly and while I have offered her parenting classes, anger management, and any help she needs to be a good parent to their son, she has not taken me up on it. Hell, I offered to keep him during the night so she can sleep because she complained that he wakes up many times in the night and she could keep him during the day while I am working. She never took him once. She came over to my office, saw him for a few minutes and left.

I have SO many mixed emotions right now about this. I may end up in battle with my son and that's the last thing I want right now. I'm still not sure if she is or isn't really pregnant, so I am also concerned about that. While this isn't really about the money to me, I also have concern that if my son gets upset with me, he will yank the money and give it to her. Then I will have to bear the financial responsibility until I can get an order for support (and I do not want to have to sue my son for child support).

I just need to vent. I am fine with taking on the added expense if he does take the money, even though money is already tight... he's my grandson. But, it doesn't just affect me, DH is not happy about it. He's having enough of his own troubles getting SD10's mom to pay anything & she's still threatening to take him back to court to change custody of SD. (As empty as the threats are, that also adds a bit of stress to the mix)

Here is a link that might be useful: Read this 1st if you have no clue what I'm talking about

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I can only tell you this after spending much of my career working specifically with substance abuse & psych patients.

You cannot reason with a practising drug addict/alcoholic/mentally unstable person. The addiction comes before everyone & everything, period. Even your kids.
And if she's shooting heroin that is just the worst. For some reason the young folks love it and well if getting high is your thing it's cheaper than pot. the most bang for your buck.

Very sad. I think your son is really holding out hope in a pretty hopeless situation and I'm sure she probably told him what he wanted to hear before he left but you know the bottom line is this. She wants the money for the drugs. She doesn't want & can't take care of your dear grandson. I think you did the only reasonable thing you could do. you have to protect your grandchild.

Tell your son you saw track marks. Surely he doesn't want her using and taking baby with her and with god knows who. Also when you first shoot up the first 20 mins or so of the high are spent nodding off, I have had several patients go into cardiac arrest and respiratory failure after shooting just before coming into treatment.The user is usually almost unarousable for quite some time. No place for a baby to be, mother or not. Not saying it to frighten you, but just so you know what you are up against-you cannot trust or believe anytihng a drug abuser tells you.

Went through this with my SS's ex, she was taking my GS to crack houses with her-nice.

I'm so very very sorry. It's so unfathonable to me how sucked into it all people get. Heroin & the meth have got to be the worst, along with alcohol of course. I'll be keeping you & yours in my prayers. I'd just spill it to your son, I'm sure he would want baby safe with you.

She's got to want to stop using herself, but unfortunately with H users I've seen long periods of clean time only rarely. It can happen but they have to really be down & dirty and sick of using & it's worse for women for obvious reasons. Doesn't sound like she is there yet.

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry, but so glad baby is safe with you.


    Bookmark   December 13, 2009 at 1:15AM
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--"He still hopes she will step up and be a mom to their son... therefore, he is against me filing for guardianship"--

And this is likely the 'key' to reason with your son. He knows the BM is not capable of doing this. He's seen it himself for all the months he, the child and the BM were together. He may not want to face it but he knows deep down in there somewhere that if 9 months did not shake her into reality to step up and be a mother and seek the help she needs with the drug and mental issues.

He's not here now to protect the baby, care for the baby at the times she is too dysfunctional (for whatever reasons), his desire that she will finally step up is a pipe dream at this point. Time is approaching for what he wants, hopes, desires to maybe happen, is going to have to take a backseat to what is in reality occuring. The child has a right to be loved, constantly cared for and a stable home life. His focus must be on what is best for the child.

He has no other option (being so far away) but to trust his mother that she is and will do whatever it takes to see that the child is taken care of. Emotionaly this may not be what he desires his family situation to be, but as long as he is not here and has left things in your hands, he has to trust you will come through for him, even if in the immediate timeline he wishes things could be different.

Whether he actually sees it or not right now, you have his back and you have his sons back. I think deep down he knows this.

My heart is really going out to your son right now. He's over there putting his life on the line for our country and being sidetracked and distracted by a incapable mother for his son and fear and worry what's going on day to day with the little guy. I think that ensuring the safety/well being of the grandson will also help some in keeping the son safe. Son needs to be able to focus on the situation he finds himself right now on a daily basis and become secure that his mom has his back and is securing things on the homefront. Holding out wishing and hoping the wife will step up is making things more dangerous for all of them. Deep down he knows this, push gently that acknowledge a bit.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2009 at 8:59AM
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Ah, what the hell, sue him for child support.

He is *married* to this person, at some level he *knows* she's no mother of any kind;
for him to be in denial & take care of the baby himself is one thing;
to be in denial when you're shouldering all the responsibility is another thing entirely.

'scuse me, my inner disgusted cynic just got the better of me.


I'd bet she isn't pregnant;
why would she want to be in such a condition when her husband is away & she can play all she wants?

If I saw track marks or if I witnessed her being high, I'd call the cops-
anonymously, for my own safety & peace of mind.

I know it goes against the grain of fair play, but this isn't the playing fields of Eton, it isn't a game;
"gentlemanly conduct" will lose this battle, & the baby will pay the price.

I doubt that you'll have to file for child support;
surely your son realizes that he's got to support that child some way or other, & you're his best bet.

I'm very proud of you.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2009 at 2:43PM
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Well, I guess my concern that my son would be upset is gone. I just got an email where he says:

"hey mom so i found out i cant file for divorce here so if u could do it for me and go for custody too if u can"

and THAT will be much easier than asking for guardianship. and no, I don't think she's pregnant anymore but I do think she was. I think she "took care of it" like she told my daughter but as upsetting as that is to me (I am very opposed to abortion), the thought of another child being brought into the situation, only to suffer with a mentally ill, drug abusing mother... well, I'm just sad about the whole situation. I just pray my son does not change his mind before it's a done deal. I've been listening to them both talk of divorcing each other from the day they told me they were married... like teenagers in high school that break up and get back together. She actually told me that my son is over in Afghanistan talking to other girls... and got angry when she found out he has an ATM card where he can use some of his own money to buy things he needs over there. I assume that is her mental illness talking if she really believes that, but that is what makes dealing with her so difficult. She is NOT at all rational or reasonable, whether she is on drugs or not.

It is funny that since I have been having to deal with DIL, dealing with BM has become a cakewalk. The last two weeks, my dad has picked up SD because he was visiting a friend in the same town BM lives in & brought her back for us. Last week we got 8 inches of snow (in an area where we NEVER get snow) so he went to get her... BM didn't have any opportunity to make a production with us. We went to get SD last night and BM waits until we are pulling into the driveway, looks right at us, jumps in her truck and drives off without saying anything to us, like we can't see her. DH gets a text that BM needs to go pick up SD from a play she's at... she'll be right back. Then SD calls DH from BM's phone (which tells us BM has arrived where SD is) and says she's on her way back home. Then they get there, everyone ushers inside... I guess to change her into 'our' clothes & get her backpack. BM's mother arrives (I hope she doesn't come ask us for 'those damn pants' again, lol) & my DD19 says she's been driving up & down the street since BM left when we got there. So, they all finally come out and walk SD to the car... then make a big production in the driveway. (am I the only one that thinks it's ridiculous for everyone there to walk SD out and stand in the driveway in front of our car, hugging & saying goodbye for 5 minutes?) But, they do this every time. Whatever, it took us over 30 minutes to do what should take 5 minutes... but it IS BM's last opportunity to try to irritate us until January. We have SD until after Christmas & when they come to get her, we say goodbye in the house & send her out alone... she runs, gets in her grandma's car and they leave. So, wasting an extra 30 minutes on her stupidity when we have a 3 hour drive ahead of us (after 3 hours to get there) would normally irritate the heck out of me, but I laughed because if she wants to irritate or piss us off, she's going to have to step it up... now that I have a drug abusing, mentally ill, doesn't want to be a mother to her 9 month old baby and probably aborted my grandchild, DIL that I'm now going to be involved in a divorce/custody case with... and worrying about my son; BM's antics are actually so predictable, they are humorous.

I even feel silly that any of the stuff she's done over the last three years had even bothered me at all, which was my reason for finding GW. It's funny how, since my grandson has been with me, I finally told SD that I have bigger things to deal with than worrying about her trying to fail so she can go live with her mom. I told her that her mom has been telling her for 3 years she is going to live over there but she is still here and I am going to be sorry for her if she has to repeat the 5th grade next year but it's not my problem... SHE is choosing to fail and if she fails, she will be in 5th grade again WHEREVER she lives. Miraculously, since then her grades are back up. She has 1-A, 3-C's & 1-D. (before she had 2-F's & 3-D's) Thank you to whoever said, "NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM"

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 11:19AM
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When SD got in the car last night, DH asked her what play she was seeing... she stammered and couldn't tell him the name of it or what it was about. (BM didn't 'prepare' her enough I guess) Then she thought about it for a minute and gave him a title and started telling him it was about a guy that got caught cheating with two girls...

Doesn't sound like a play you would drop kids off at...

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 11:43AM
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SD11 was listening to a song about brushing your teeth with jack and sneaking out to go drinking with her friends and hiding it from her parents... I said turn it off she said its a good song ... my mom lets me listen to it .... well you can listen to it at your moms but not here ... SS12 says mom doesn't let you listen to that!!!!

As I have been reading your recent posts .... I was thinking BM's antics must seem like a piece of cake compared to all this ... no clue how you are holding together but keep it up ... you raised your son he knows your a strong woman his email proves it :)

Its sad when they become predictable but also its a relief as well they can't pull anything because you already know what they are going to do :)

I was thinking about your SD is she jealous of the baby yet?

I was also thinking she might just improve because you are distracted away from her and she figured the negativity didn't get to you maybe if she improves she might get some attention. Not that you are ignoring her just other stuff going on.

I don't know who was the first to say it either but I use it all the time ... not MY kid not MY problem :)

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 12:22PM
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I did not read all the other posts IMA, but I think you are doing the right thing. Your son may want her to step up and be a mother, but leaving a child in the hands of a drug addict is dangerous. All it takes is her being high and that baby crying too much and setting her over the edge. I would not chance it if she is using drugs! Your son can be angry, but at least he will have a child to come home to.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 1:37PM
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