Being an Adult step mom

shadow.wifeDecember 4, 2011

4 years ago i met the man of my dreams. I never planned on falling in love again but i did. I feel like God brought this man into my life and will think that tell the day i die. He was very funny he made me laff all the time and we would talk for hours. My husband lost his wife in an accident it will be 5 years pretty soon. I have never been a step mom. I am a mom but never a step. I fell deeply in love with my husband he was married for 33 years. and thats why i have been so understanding or have tryed to be. I have never lost a life partner in the way he has. but i have lost a mother and i know what that feels like. When i met my husband i use to be nice :) now i find myself being alot tuffer my heart i guess. When my husband calls me the wrong name does it hurt yes but i tell myself in time . I moved to my husbands home where he shared his life with his wife. There are photos on the living room wall of there life. and there are a few of us. Part of me wants them down but then another part of me says you cant ask him to forget the life he had. the photos are apart of his memories. and he has a right to them. My husband is a great man. but when it comes to his kids he is very defensive of them. The day my husband took me to meet his adult kids i first met his son. he was very nice to me i was so glad and yet scared because it was importaint to me for them to like me because i really loved there father. Then it was on to the next daughter its his step daughter but he raised her most of her life.. so she is his daughter. when we got there my husband interduced me to his son in law and daughter my son in law said if you dont have a sence of humor you wont make it in this family. i just laughed i didnt no what to say. his grandaughter wispered something in my ear for the life of me i dont recall what it was but i do remember it being very nice. after awhile i went back home. I dont recall how many days had went by but my husband asked me to come visit with him again at his daughters house and i did it was for a few days.. my husband was working in the trailer he has a trailer there for his bussiness. i was in the house wanting to get to know his adult kids. i was sitting on the couch and his daughter and son in law were by the fire place i had told his daughter that i was sorry about her mom and that i wasnt here to take her place but that i would like for us to be friends the son in law said they throught i should get a job making my own money that i was reaping the rewards of there mothers death and that they didnt think it was right that my soon to be husband was making my car payments. I had cleaned there home after a few visits living room kitchen and laundry...they pointed out that they didnt care for me doing this because they didnt no me. he also said they blame my husband for there mothers death because she was on her way to do taxes.wasnt his fault. I went out to the trailer and i told my husband only about the part where they felt i should get a job. because if i had told him the rest im sure it would have hurt him. he talked to his son in law the next day and the son in law said that i misunderstood him.. I didnt. Im not sure if my husband believed me or not but i no what was said and i didnt misunderstand. I got married and it was so nice thats when i met his other daughter. She didnt talk to me much but i understood here is another woman in her dads life. the following day we were at my husbands home and his youngest daughter kept going into the house just acting really funny. after she left she had taking something that didnt belong to her it was her fathers. when he called her on it she denied it but he new. it turned out that his youngest daughter who is 25 is addicited to precription drugs along with his son. Did i no this no. But i loved my husband and was going to stand by him and try to also help his adult kids. the only thing i could do was lisen and i did over and over. Tryed to give advise nothing worked. when his son got busted in ca for drugs i went and got him out and got his truck out of the tow yard. when his grandson wanted a new car my husband got him it i drove 5 hours to pick the truck up and came back the same day. I one day asked his son how many cars has your dad bought for you he said 38. yes 38..he is 31..the last car he took out and set it on fire and tryed to do an insurance claim on it. didnt work..they got money from there mothers death so he got another truck with his money and its gone because someone kidnapped him and took his truck. he stole money from his father and stole money from people my husband knows he also stole this ladys medicine for canser and he lied about not taking it. then he finily admitted he took it. she got it back but not all of it. I could go on and on here. here are more of the things that have been said to me.well maybe i shouldnt. but i will tell you that everyone of his kids talk bad things about him to me then say if i say anything they will deny it. i cant talk to my husband about it because he is very defencsive of anything that comes to his kids.He talks alot with his step daughter he tells her everything sometimes i think its because she reminds him of his wife. sometimes i wish he would come to me the way he does to her. anytime these kids want anything they play on his feelings and he feels bad because they dont have there mom anymore. well let me tell you. when my mom died it didnt give me the right to be rude to others. everyone has lost someone in life.How does one deal with all of this im not sure but i am trying. but i dont like all the drama. i just want to love my husband for the rest of what ever life has left for us.

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Okay - a lot more information than in your other post.

The only thing I can say is that it seems to me that both you and the step kids are in each other business too much. I don't think it's any of the kid's business whether your husband is paying your car payment or not. On the same hand it seems like you are trying to interfere too much with the husband's kids as well, doing their laundry, cleaning their home, etc. While that was a nice gesture it was probably too intrusive for the kids, like they said, they don't know you. I don't think I would like my step mom going through my undies, LOL.

On the situation with the daughter addicted to drugs and the son who runs through cars like I run through shoes - while I don't agree that your husband should not keep bailing his kids out of trouble, it sounds like this has been going on for a long time. To come along now and try and change how your husband has been dealing with his kids all these years will be met with resistance. I really don't know if that should be a deal breaker for you or if you should try not to let it affect you. For me, I could not respect someone who lets their kids take advantage of them like that.
Hopefully someone else will have helpful advice on how to handle that part of this.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 11:10AM
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Hard to read as it all becomes a long blur.

Not to be overly critical, but seriously, the son has only been driving 15 years and your Dh has purchased him 38 cars? I'm going to suggest that these were not much of a vehicle to begin with, as no one can go through that many cars in 15 years unless perhaps they were not worth buying in the first place. But that's basically all besides the point...none of your business how many cars Papa has bought his son especially during the years you did not know either one of them (Dh/son) existed.

You resented being asked why Dh was making your car payments, but you have no problem questioning the son. Rather a double standard. As to why YOU went chasing down and delivering a vehicle for this son I can only assume you did on your own chosing. No one 'made' you make that trip nor go bail out the guy from jail. You need to let your Dh worry about what messes his children get into.

The first trip to the daughter went ok, but the second it not. Can I suggest that this was part of the reason --" I had cleaned there home after a few visits living room kitchen and laundry."-- right after --"i was in the house wanting to get to know his adult kids. i was sitting on the couch and his daughter and son in law were by the fire place i had told his daughter that i was sorry about her mom and that i wasnt here to take her place but that i would like for us to be friends "--

You showed up, cleaned their house (yeah sure, trying to be 'helpful' and 'nice')in reality to the daughter pointing out she is an inferior housekeeper and then imply you are perhaps thinking of replacing her mother in your mind. Yes, I read you said you were not at all, but think about how you were coming across to the daughter. She does not need another mother, she has one. She does not want another mother, she's still mourning the loss of the one she has.

But you still did not 'get' it. You proceded to carry out flowers and decorate their mother's grave and were offended they did not shower you with praise and 'thank-you'.

Are you seeing here yet that you came running in too fast and in too much of a hurry to play family and be instantly accepted and 'loved'? You got off on a really bad start, even if it was done done purposely...then all the drama intensified and now you resent and are angry about the situation. Let it be enough that you married and love your husband. Let him be the one to worry about and chase after his grown children. He's a big boy now, his children are big boys and girls now, he does not need 'help' with them.

As far as the photos. You moved into his family home that he shared with a lady for 33 years. I'm sure there are signs of her all over the home. Something that perhaps should have been discussed prior to making this the house husband and you would live in after marriage. Is he open to making slight changes in the house? There is nothing 'wrong' in his still having photographs of his late wife in his home. He loved her until the day she died, they did not divorce, she died. Perhaps you could discuss leaving up a 'family group' photo (she/he and the kids) along with pictures of you/he and then putting some of the other photos in a memory photo album. I'll guess he does not notice the photos are even on the wall near as often as you do. And for the record, yes, my father died and yes my mother still has photos of family groups on her familyroom wall and yes she went on and had a SO for 22 years after my father passed (but no, SO never lived in my mother's home).

Or maybe it's time to discuss purchasing a home together, one that would be both of yours. Maybe downsizing and purchasing a smaller retirement type home. One you both help decorate and furnish.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 12:07PM
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Amber. first let me state that it wasnt my idea to clean there home my husband asked me to do this. inside i didnt want to do it. But i wanted to make my husband happy.Nor do i want to be in there bussiness his kids have way to much drama its always something. and as far as the cars go my step son was the one who brought this up first i just happen to ask him how many he has had and he told me. wasnt a big deal..I have seen the cars my husband has gotten him sence i have been with him they are very nice cars. the son blows up the engine or sets them on fire or has totaled them. my husband feels really bad for his kids because they dont have there mom anymore. I understand this.. But there is no excuse for them to be so rude to me i have not steped in to be there mother i am here to be my husbands wife if they want to be friends with me then thats great but for the last 4 years i have tryed being just there friend and also in helping them with things because my husband asks me to. anything these adult kids want they just call dad and he gets it for them thats fine thats his bussiness. when his money is gone then what. 2 of his kids have come into my husbands home and stole things when they come around i have to lock my things up hide my keys and my purse sometimes i even forget where i hid them because i have to do it so much.. there is alot more but maybe this will give you an idea i hope to here from you like i said i need to know how to fix this thank you for taking the time

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 7:38PM
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I thing you really need to sit down and talk to your husband. He is being very unfair to you asking you to do all this for his children. The kids don't want you to do it and he's wrong in thinking they 'need' you to do all this for them.

It is time you and husband discuss boundaries. An invisable line that does not get crossed. Husband needs to realize that his son has serious issues and that it would be best if a professional helped the son with his drug issues is very dysfunctional behavior that the son is displaying. The son needs help that is more than you can take care of.

You sound like a very caring loving lady that really means well. But at the same time it sounds like you don't quite know how to stand up for yourself. Just because you love your husband very much does not mean that you should not stand up for yourself and to demand you be respected. He's failing you by dumping all his children's problems on you and expected you to tend to them as if they are small children.

It sucks losing a parent. Especially one who was so young and still should have had many more years. I was just short of 30 when my father died. He was 55 and was there one day and 'poof' dead the next. I was shattered. I was also a pain in the rear. My heart hurt, my whole body ached and I was literally mad at the world.

Your husband needs to acknowledge that he has decided to go on with his life and that it will include setting boundaries with his children. No more just walking into your home, helping theirselves and/or stealing. Sure, it was their house but they grew up and moved out. They can no longer just show up, come in and take over. He decided to remarry and has moved a partner in, he must now take into consideration that his new partner does thing differently than his old partner. You don't need someone to clean your cupboards or freezer. When you find time, you are a big girl and can clean it out all yourself. You'll get use to having a freezer...bottomline is, if something sits in it too long, it's not a big deal, just don't eat it and carry it out to the garbage when you come across something buried down in the bottom.

You solution out of your drama is to discuss with husband your own needs, compromises and set boundaries.

I've been there. Like I said, my world was crushed when my father died. I wanted no part of a new boyfriend of my mother's in my face. Sure, he was a nice guy and all that, but the most important thing was for him to know when to stand back and let me be me. I came around. I cried all over again with pure honest heartbreak when this guy died a year ago. But it took time, it took honest communication and it was trial and error. Did he ever take my father's place. Absolutely not. But we came to love and care for each other and respect other other and I was honored that my children and grandchildren had a chance to have this gentleman in their life to be their acting grandfather/great grandpa.

Your husband also needs to handle his business affairs. Example, his will is up to date, his paperwork is in order ect. Then he needs to assure his children that they need not worry about his business affairs as it is in order and his attorney has all that is necessary. All the children need to know is that Dad has taken care of his own affairs and they need need fuss and/or worry or it. He does not have to give them any details.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 8:18PM
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justmeto ::: Im going to try and answer some of your comments...His son has gone through this many cars i wasnt trying to be nosey he brought it up so i asked. and the cars that i have seen and have seen his dad purchase are very nice cars..his son likes to blow engines or set them on fire witch he has now been caught or just totalls them.and now that i am married to my husband it is my bussiness. he has 1 adult daughter that works the other to do husband asked me to make that trip because he couldnt and part of having a relationship is working together as a team.I was not trying to replace her mother my husband asked me to clean them rooms for her did i want to know but i did what he asked me to. I have never tryed to take there moms place ever nor will i all i wanted was for them to give me a chace to be the wife i am to my husband. yes i did put out flowers but i did it for the mom and for my husband out od RESPECT did you not read that and yes they should have said thank you but again i guess its all in how you are raised. if i cant make it to my mothers grave and a friend of mine does and she puts flowers on the grave i tell her thank you. its called being polite.i did not run into anything to fast i have a family and still do. but i can tell you if my adult kids ever treated my husband with that much disrespect they would not be allowed to be in my home tell they treated him with that respect. but i can say that my kids have always been very nice to my husband. maybe its because the way they were raised..the things i do for his kids are things he ask me to do if i had my way i wouldnt do a thing for them after the way they have treated me.. they have never even givin me a chance. i wonder why my husbands friends and my husbands decesed wife friends all tell me im the best thing thats happen to my husband since his wife has passed they have known them for over 20 years.. and they also tell me the ladys anyways there is no woman in this town that would put up with all you have.. they see it.. but i tell them i love my husband and want him to be happy.i beleive i did say i didnt have a problem with the photos being there but that it did kinda hurt my heart,, but they are still on the wall and yes he does see them as much as i do. there is also a photo of where she died at above the kitchen table so yes there are alot of her and his things still here i have never asked him to put away his memories nor will i told amber this is my first time on here maybe you should try to be alittle more understanding. sometimes the new step mom or dad really do get a hard time why because the mother or father choose to remarry. and thats all i have done

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 8:43PM
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Understanding goes two ways. You can imply I am rude and mannerless all you please. But while you were doing this or that for your stepdaughter (cleaning her house) because your husband asked you to, did you take into consideration whether or not SHE wanted you to?

Think about it while you're so busy defending your actions all in the name of 'my husband told/asked me to', just how did you expect the girl to react to have this strange woman come into her home and clean it on her father's demand? Your husband needs drop kicked for that one.

I don't sugar coat things here. If you came here to only hear things you WANT to hear, you won't get that from me. I pointed out what I read from your posting that flew up red flags for me. As you know, there are always two sides to every story. While you're telling me how you did so much on your husband's asking and then wondering what went wrong, I'm giving you another side of how some of this made his daughter feel. Did husband stop and consider how his daughter would feel when he sent you into her house and told you to clean for her and tell her all about 'how you're not trying to replace her mother'? For pete's sake, did the girl's own mother run in and clean her house her her?

Ok, if I was wrong and all the cars were nice cars, than I have to ask why your husband would keep spending big bucks on car after car? Rather seems like enabling behavior to me. What kind of father just keeps putting out like 2 and a 1/2 cars average per year without facing there is a major problem that needs addressed. The son needs help, the father is not helping him he's assisting in the behavior.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 9:16PM
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i did what i was asked to and i told you i didnt feel like cleaning someone else home but i did what i was asked to do not making any excuses for your information she had no right to come into my home and tell me how to keep this home either..I also lost my mom but it never gave me the right to be rude. and when my mom remarried we were happy for her that she had someone to share her life with she did have a right to be happy. her dad knows her better than anyone and if he had throught there was going to be a problem he wouldnt have asked me. funny how you skip some of the things i have wrote .....

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 9:31PM
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Ok, you win. Since your life is everso happy and working out so well for you, you just keep up with the same attitude.

You have a real chip on your shoulder and unless you deal with it nothing in your life is going to change. Perhaps marriage counseling would be more to your liking than a forum is.

--"she had no right to come into my home and tell me how to keep this home either"--

So since when does two wrongs make a right? Heck, maybe husband asked her to come in and do it just like he asked you to do hers. Seriously, the guy shoved you down the kids throats, shoved the kids down yours, set you up for failure and has you living in a shrine to the deceased wife instead of a home...but it's me you're angry at. Go figure.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 10:08PM
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"i did what i was asked to" If your husband asked you to jump off a bridge would you?

"she had no right to come into my home and tell me how to keep this home either"
Sorry hon, but you had no right to go into her house and clean it or do her laundry, whether your husband asked you to or not, you should have said you didn't think it was right that you did it.

You say your husband asks you to do all these things for his kids, but then you get upset because the kids don't appreciate what you did. How can they? They did not ask you to clean their house, come pick them up, put flowers on their mother's grave, etc. When your husband asks you to do these things, does HE thank you? Because HE's the one that's asking you to do these things, NOT the kids.

You keep talking about how rude the step kids are. Okay, yes, just because someone's mom dies does give them an excuse to be rude, but that's besides the point. You can't change them. You can't expect them to be nice to you. Your husband asks you to do things for his kids and then you get upset because the kids react rudely to you. Well, stop doing things for the kids. You can't make them be polite. You didn't raise them, he did.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 10:10PM
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Im sorry if i sound like i have a chip on my shoulder i dont mean to. but maybe i do. I came here looking for help and i got it maybe what i didnt want to here but i got it. I have never been a step anything. maybe i have done things like the cleaning and didnt want to but because he asked i did it and i guess i just wanted them to like me. i wanted this blended family to work. and still do thats why i am far from perfect.but your not here you dont see it all. im not trying to take her place nor have i changed anything. everything is still the same as when i moved into this home. all i can go by is how they have treated me since i came here im sorry that there mom is no longer here but i cant bring her back. and i understand they are hurt and angry but why take it out on me.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 10:39PM
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The next time hubby asks you to clean his KIDS houses you tell him go hire a maid. Your not their maid. Your his Wife for petes sakes! if he can afford 38 cars then I guess he can pay a maid to clean for them.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2011 at 11:31PM
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I got it. thats never going to happen again Have a nice Christmas GardenandCats

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 10:07AM
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Shadow wife hope you have a merry christmas and things get better for you .Its very hard often when you marry someone who has lost a spouse that they loved very much.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 10:56AM
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GradenandCats .... :o)

I want you to know that I didnt rush into trying to have a family. I had one and still do. I throught alot before i did get married. I also read that when people loose a spouse. that there is no time limit on how long to wait before getting married or even dateing. I have never been married to a widower . but when my husband asked me to marry him i said are you sure . can you try and start a new life now i wasnt sure how to put it so thats what i said and he said yes. My husband is a very good man and when i met him we hit it off . Gradenand Cats i know you may find this strange but i do believe that God brought us together and i will tell the day i die. maybe i havent done or have said the right things but like i said im not here to replace there mom . im already a mom and have 8 know whats funny is that my husband has grandkids and they are so sweet they dont look at people like adults do they are open minded and when they come over they run to me and say hi grandma and hug me and when they leave they say they love me. Im not a bad person I have done alot for his kids since i have been here. also Because they have also asked me to. its hard when they come around because when they do they talk like they dont like my husband say things that arent very nice. It bothers me because i love this man and watch him go out of his way to always help them. your right i think its always been this way. anyways thankyou for giving me feeb back

    Bookmark   December 7, 2011 at 12:04PM
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