How to stop someone from making a mistake....

mom2emallDecember 7, 2009

I posted about my immature 19 yr old sister recently. She had a child, put her new boyfriends name on the birth certificate, bla bla bla.

Now her and her boyfriend (whom she has only been with for like 7 months want to get married! They wanted a bigger wedding and want to do it this coming summer. My whole family thinks it is a mistake and told her that if she waited till the summer after next to get married they would help with the wedding. Everyone is telling her to wait. And her boyfriends family is telling him the same thing. They are too young and have not been together long enough! Well after a day of her crying her and her boyfriend decided they "really want to be husband and wife soon". So they are planning a cheaper wedding for this summer that they can afford themselves.

I told her she may want to wait because then she could have her dream wedding and everyones blessing. She insists that being married now is more important than her dream wedding!

I just don't know what the big hurry is to get married. They don't have jobs, and are both starting college in the winter. They live off a trust fund. I am worried that the trust will run out and then he will run. I am also afraid that my sister is planning on getting pregnant right away with him. Her baby is only 3 months old and lately she has made comments about missing being pregnant.

How do we stop this mistake? Or do we let it happen and watch her live with it and the consequences it may have?

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mom2 I'm so sorry!
Unfortunately I don't think you or the families can do anything more than what you already did/suggested. They are young and can't see the forest for the trees.

If everyone keeps pushing them to wait they will run to the altar that much quicker. I know it is so difficult but would probably advise you to just try to keep the lines of communication open with your sis and her boyfriend. You rin the risk of them feeling alienated from the families "It's us against the world!" and that wouldn't be good.

I know it's such a bad situation, like a train wreck yet you can't look away. I have to say the first thing that crossed my mind when I read the first part of your post was might she be PG again? Who's trust fund are they living off? I would gently but firmly suggest a prenup and then let them do what they will. Hopefully that will keep her protected.

On the bright side, maybe, just maybe these two kids are really madly in love and maybe they will be lucky in love. Lets hope for the best. Big hugs!! I've watched my sister drink her life away the past 15 years and it's really hard for me to know there is NOTHING I can do to stop her. Not the same thing but you kwim..


    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 3:09AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Pushing for an early commitment or marriage is one of the signs of an abuser.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 5:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think it is my sister pushing for the marriage, not her boyfriend. She has never really had a relationship for more than a few months with a guy. She is a bigger girl and has always had low self-esteem. With friends she latched on and wanted to hang out every day and offered to buy them things. With this relationship I feel it is the same thing. I think she is in love with him being with her, not in love with him per say. I think in her mind she needs to hold onto this relationship and that is why she put his name on her child's birth certificate even though it is not his child. And I think she wants to marry him because she thinks then he will stay and she will have this perfect little family.

I just think they are too young and immature. When they were together about a month she moved him into her place. He went home for a week and cheated on her. Then she allowed him back and they do not go anywhere seperately!! She controls him I think!!

I do not think she is pregnant right now, but I do have suspicions that she plans on getting pregnant soon and that may be why she is pushing for getting married.

The trust fund is hers, left to her in her mothers will.....would that be something he could take part of if they divorced??

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 10:27AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

And I am taking the advice of not alienatng them and giving them the "us against the world mentality." I know his family all expressed that they want them to wait too. I told my dad that if someone is going to keep trying to persuade her to wait it could be him because I am going to be the supportive big sister. I did have a calm talk with her asking her if she was sure she was ready to get married and discussing my experience of being engaged at 21 and how calling off the engagement was the best decision I ever made and getting married at that time to that guy would have been the worst mistake of my life. She insists they are ready for marriage. So now I am helping her with wedding planning. I am going to try to make it as enjoyable as possible for her because this should be a fun experience. Meanwhile I will keep my fingers crossed that they either call this off or that their marriage really works!

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 10:31AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Of course you think she's the one pushing for marriage;
she herself thinks she's the one pushing for marriage.

The "outside world" (you, her friends, her family, her co-workers, anybody to whom she's close at all) almost *always* thinks that the person being manipulated is the crazy one who's behind all the irrational behavior, & the person being manipulated almost always thinks the "outside world" is just being mean.

I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 3:23PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It seems likely that the trust fund is absolutely a big draw for this guy. Who wouldn't want to live off someone elses money and get a college education to boot?! Every state has different laws about trust funds. Generally, if the trusts are already established, and handled by a third party, they are safe from the spouse taking any money in a divorce. Very important to find out the laws in your state about trust funds. (Possibly pre-nup for protection?)

Mom2 - Have you ever sat down with this guy and had long discussions with him? Maybe that would give you a good measure for where he sees himself in the future and if your sister is in that future. I would come straight out and ask him some hardball questions about their relationship.

I would fully expect sis to try to get pregnant again. She wouldn't mention it if she weren't seriously thinking about it. Sis is way young and living in la-la land. You know it, and it's got to be hard for you to sit and watch. I'll pray for the best for them!

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 2:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

good catch, poppingrays!

Trust fund went completely over my head.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 2:57PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
His ex controls the situation through the kids
I have been dating my BF for over 3 years now and his...
adult step son and his girlfriend lives with us
i just want my privacy. we have never had any. met...
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™