Please held - Stepgrandchilren used as emotional human shields!
I am at my wits end and please ask that someone help me. I need advice, I am standing in the middle of a minefield and am scared to flinch because I can't handle another blowup. Without all the background, I am married (7 years) to an older man w/4 grown children, 3 by one bm, 1 by another. He and they were not good parents. He has undergone counseling and is much better and getting closer to his children. 3 live out of state so I don't have to see them often (but I am always nice, and they are polite etc.) They youngest is 29, she moved back home 5 years ago. Neither her bm nor my dh were going to ask her to live with them, she lived in a musty basement apt. I didn't know her well but asked her to move in with us. She and her fiance moved in for 1 1/2 years, it was great. I mean we had issues, but we overcame them, she got close to her Dad, I helped plan her wedding, we became friends, etc. They built on the family farm and have had 2 kids, one 2 and another 1. The oldest and I have a real connection, I love and do for both of them, and don't play favorites, but the oldest really loves her "nana". My sd has gone off the deepend. She started fights w/bm and stepfather and got totally angry with me for trying to cook her and family Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve instead of Christmas Day and accused me of keeping her father from her. WHAT? I have done nothing but encourage her! I don't advise, criticize, nag. I am the cheerleader for them. I don't badmouth them and suddenly after 5 years she hates me? She wouldn't let me see the kids over Christmas and won't answer my texts or emails. She will let dh come up and now he's like "just tell her you love her and apologize". Apologize for what? I was trying to plan Christmas since she never does. All she had to say was "hey, can we do it Christmas day?" Now the oldest is having her 2nd b-day in 2 weeks and I don't think they'll let me see her. His family is in England, hers isn't close, they never take the children out for playdates (they do not see other children), there are no friends, no family, I am one of 4 people outside of their parents that those girls have for family, that loves them, and they love me! I know sd and husband are in charge, they are making the rules and i can't do anything, but I worry those babies think their Nana is gone forever, or doesn't love them. I live 1/2 mile away! Plus I worry this is driving a wedge between me and dh. I would NEVER make him choose me over her the way she is making him choose, but he has such guilt over being a really crappy dad that he overcompensates.
I know the above is rambling, but can anyone help me? I am so uptight, it RUINED my Christmas, I've been grinding my teeth so much I've lost a filling. I want to kill her, but I feel sorry for her too. She's making the same mistakes with her kids that her parents did with her and she's too warped to see it.
ANY advice, I don't care if it's critical or what, I need help.