In desperate need of advice on letting go...

Mommy2EZADecember 30, 2011

Hi everyone I've never posted in here before as I guess this is my last ditch effort in order to get some advice or a point of view that can actually help me. A little backround on my situation is I married a man just about 5 years ago who has two sons (15 and 10 years old) with two different women. Both boys live with their moms but we do have them stay with us one more than the other. One ex is an ex wife and one is an ex girlfriend... by far the ex girlfriend is a lost cause and impossible to deal with. Things were fairly bearable in the beginning of our marriage and then one day bio mom to the 10 year old SS decided she couldn't handle him anymore and wanted him to live with us (he was 7 at the time) I was thrilled to have him live with us because we could give him the kind of upbringing his mom couldn't and things were actually great for the first half of the year that he lived with us and one day it all turned into a living nightmare...Long story short, $15,000 later and a lost custody battle SS went back to live with his mom because she changed her mind...This is were I've had major issues with not only this SS but the other one as well. I dread...Majorly dread either one of them coming to stay with us. SS10 stays with us every other weekend, most of his school breaks and 6 weeks in the summer (since going back to live with his mom our relationship has become nothing (it once was 'I love you's, hugs, kisses, laughter), we both can't stand each other and it's obvious. SS15 I feel like he's just some random teenager that stays here maybe a month out of the whole year (broken up) no relationship just small talk and I make him food and do his laundry when he's here. My husbands relationship with both of these boys is horrible especially if I compare it to his relationship with our son we have together... With my SS it is a very forced relationship and with our little boy it is so loving and natural. He feels obligated to them and really only sees the younger one more because he's afraid his ex will take him back to court for more $ (which that in of itself is a whole other issue... who really needs more than a grand a month for one child??) Anyways if anybody is still reading this I appreciate you, I have so much resentment, anxiety and ill feelings surrounding the situation as a whole and I wish I could just accept things as they are and let this all go. I honestly obssess and have let the situation with my SS's over take my life. I get so stressed when they are here that just yesterday I went into pre-term labor (I'm 8 months pregnant) but it also doesn't help when my husband leaves me to be here with all the kids by myself while he works 15 hours a day. Again another issue for another day! If anyone has any advice or helpful guidence I would be more than happy to receive it... I hope I don't come across to brash but I'm at my wits end, I've felt prisoner to these feelings way too long.

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The amount of child support is usually based on a percentage of the parent's income. So a 'grand' a month is really not something you, BM or husband get much say in per the courts. In some states it is also adjusted for amount of time between homes and/or other 'benefits' provided (health insurance for example).

So in reality if SS10 does begin to come less, it may indeed mean a CS adjustment. On the other hand, if husband is working 15 hours days during the weekend (and other visitation times) I suppose one must wonder why he wants that much visitation time considering husband will not even be available to 'visit' with the child. If husband is not even home (or sound asleep) it might be time to rethink the visitation schedule. It does not sound like the child wants to come any more than you want to spend the weekend 'babysitting'. If husband is not even around and child and you no longer get along, DH's putting a pretty big weight on your shoulders.

If you were for some reason suddenly not there anymore, DH would have two choices 1) less visitation but more child support or 2) hire a babysitter. Either way it would cost him additional money.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 6:05AM
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If the relationship with the 10 year old has disintegrated (you mention a custody battle), then he has probably chosen sides with his mom... plus you have younger children with DH so that may have added impact so, unless you want to build up the relationship with him (and it doesn't sound like that's the case) and your DH is having a hard time maintaining a relationship with him, maybe the best thing to do is focus on your kids (a new baby is time consuming) and let your DH deal with his kids when they visit. Take your kids to the park & let his kids do their own laundry or cook for themselves. They are old enough & if your DH wants to keep them coming... more for financial reasons... then leave him to deal with them. The cost to your marriage is higher than the extra child support.

It's too bad when the parents force kids to take sides or let money be a deciding factor in visitation and essentially, their relationship with their children. Parents are supposed to do what's best for their kids but we all know that isn't reality. At this point, you are married to him & you have kids with him. Your job is to do what's best for YOUR kids (and realize that he has allowed his relationship with his other kids to become what it is... irregardless of his ex's, HE has allowed it) Don't allow it to ever happen with YOUR kids. Those other mothers are not doing what's best for their kids if she allows, or worse ~ encourages, the breakdown in relationship from 1. the dad. and 2. the stepmom that wanted to have a good relationship with them. and 3. the siblings. She is hurting her children if she in any way encourages them to not have the best relationship they can with their dad and/or to have the best time at dad's house. What mother in their right mind would send their child off to a situation where the child is going to be treated, well I don't want to say bad but why would they want to create hostility or piss off dad/stepmom or turn kids against anyone in that home & then send their kid there?

    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 2:01PM
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Thank you both for responding...See there are so many doors left open, so many unresolved issues and honestly I don't know if they ever will be resolved. Any time I try to voice any kind of opinion or thought regarding my stepsons my husband becomes quickly irriated and shuts me out. We usually end up in some sort of arguement if I try to keep going on with the discussion...It's really a dead end road. And it is extrememly frusterating because I care too much and maybe I guess I shouldn't.
I literally am a babysitter and I feel like I'm being used by both bio mom and my husband. It's 100% clear in my mind after my husband spent just 10 minutes with ss10 and was already annoyed by him that the financial obligation outweighes the bond they have (or lack thereof I should say) which correct me if I'm wrong but is very unfair to me and very unfair to ss. After having ss10 since Monday I can once again confirm what I already know and all I'm good for is making him food and doing his laundry other than that he avoids me at all costs. The other ss is just more of a situation I'll never quite understand he's 15 and by that age in my opinion should be able to make his own descions on whether he spends time here or not so I don't understand why my husband pressures ss15 to come over when it's the same thing where my husband will get super annoyed by him after just a few minutes of time together...This situation money is not and never has been an issue. So I dont get it.
I guess maybe spending some of this negative energy and turning it into positive energy on my own kids will maybe help distract me from being so involved in my husbands seemingly unfixable mess, because if theres no communication then I'm really just wasting my time trying so hard to fix it.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 3:59PM
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I am sorry for your frustration! I completely understand where you are coming from! It is very frustrating to feel like you cannot be comfortable in your own home when ss is around. Have you thought about going to talk to a professional with your husband? He needs to understand that he is putting ALOT of stress and responsibility on you with raising his two boys and then your own, PLUS you are pregnant. You don't need all of that and it isn't your place. The boys have a mother and father that are responsible for them, you have your own kid to worry about. Could you maybe give us some more background info about your situation... how old were the boys when you and your husband married, how old is your son, do the boys bio mom live close by, how often do you have the boys now,are they involved in any extracurriculars, etc.
I have found it very refreshing to get feedback on here, so sometimes it helps to vent about it. I know venting doesn't change it, but at least you get it out of your own head.

    Bookmark   December 31, 2011 at 4:49PM
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