SD growing up need help 1st post

juba_momDecember 3, 2009

Hi, I have been with my husband sense I was 18 and his daughter 4. It is now 7 years later. I will start at the beginning. When I first started coming around we did everything by the book, introduced me slow after we had been dating for a while, only as dads friend just, came around to play with her. We started off great. She loved me and I as well loved her. She even asked me to marry her dad so i Could be her stepmom. After BM found out how much SD liked me she got really jealous and tried to break it up. It didnt work but she sure tried.

Bm lost custody for about a year and a half and I was with SD all day everyday and we really bonded at that time. We still had issues but it was for the most part it was perfect. She would say things like I wish dad, Mom, you, and me could all live together.

After mom got 50/50 custody things were still pretty good up until about a year and half ago. I dont really know what happened but she started pulling away from me. And only getting worse. I dont know if it is her age or if mom is trying to hurt us again? SD is now 11. She constantly says things that her BM does better. she lies and tells BM that i did things that i didnt do to get BM mad at me. Its nothing major just like I yelled at her for no reason or I wouldnt let her call her BM or little trival stuff like that. Anyways i am scared of losing her for good because of all this drama. I am very patient with her. I have never said a bad word about BM. I talk to her about the problems and she seems like she understands but then tries again. She stopped including in her drawings of family or making items for her parents (This hurt me the most). Any advice. Do they ever stop trying to get mom and dad back together and what should i do to help our relationship. My husband says if I just keep doing the way i always have that she will come back around. But I am not sure.

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mom2emall

I think your husband has good advice. And 11 is a hard age...pre-teen years. She is probably going through a lot of changes with her body...school...etc. Add a bm who is trying to get her to dislike you and then you get one confused girl. Just keep acting as you always have and she should come around.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 7:51PM
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sweeby

How rational is BioMom? In other words, if Dad were to find a few articles that explained that for kids, having a positive relationship with a StepParent is a really good thing for them, and that having that relationship undermined by a jealous BioParent has far-reaching and very bad consequences (assuming such articles exist - I'm sure they do)

So if Dad were to show her a few articles like that, do you think she would actually read them and come to agreement? Then possibly be able to build a cordial and open relationship with you for the benefit of her daughter?

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 11:09AM
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juba_mom

Thanks mom2email hearing it from someone else helps!!

sweeby- No not rational at all very selfish! She has been doing this same thing for 7 years even after parenting classes and numerous people telling her she should be thankful for her child to have a stepmom like me. But she still just dont understand.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 2:04PM
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imagr8tma2

I am the mom to a 14 year old... recently got remarried last year. But experienced the same thing almost.

Pre-teens and Teenagers are at the stage where they start pulling away from being small children. They are realizing they are individuals and no longer want to be treated like little children. I believe sometimes it is hard for us parents (step included) to let that part of the relationship mature and let it blossum.

It was hard for me - and is continually hard. Although it is necessary for my daughter to be well adjusted and responsible as an adult - it begins at home under parental help and control.

She may also be influenced by her mom - if the mother does not like the situation or that her child has a step-parent. But keep the faith - continue to do what you can, and be forgiving. Kids dont always make good decisions and especially girls are going through hormonal changes and don't realize it as well.

You just remain a constant positive individual in her life. I believe it makes a huge difference.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 2:25PM
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