Oh Please Help Me
I screwed up, ladies. So terribly. I'm crying, shaking, so upset.
Today was SS's last day before winter break. Classroom parties are from 2:30-3:15, and of course, I didn't go, BM was there.
I talked with my hubby this afternoon and said "make sure she does not come out front with him." (Parents attending parties park in back of school, carpool line is around the front.)
DH said fine. But you know--what can he do?
At 3:20 the kids come running out; I'm in my car, with DD in the backseat, and I see SS coming down the sidewalk, which is literally 5 ft from my car. And who is RIGHT behind him shooting me a DEATH STARE?
I panicked ladies! Panicked! I have never been that close to her since she punched me; I felt like I was going to vomit, my hands started shaking and I started to CRY.
And, of course, she could see all of this! All of it!
I am completely, utterly humiliated. I was shaking and breathing really heavily, and she just kept coming closer and closer. She stops RIGHT NEXT to my car---like 2 ft away---and THEN kisses SS and gives me a hug, all while STARING at me the whole time. (He was facing her, she was facing my car.)
Oh, ladies, I screwed up. SS got in the car and I'm basically hyperventilating. DD is like "what's wrong mommy, what's wrong?"
And BM is still standing there staring! Thank GOD the line moved and I pulled forward. This is where I SCREWED UP. I was so upset, I called DH and started crying/ranting/accusing him of not protecting me.
The kids are silent. :( I feel SOOOO TERRIBLE for exposing them to that. I hate this. I hate what I've become. My poor DD especially...I am her MOTHER, her ONLY parent, her guiding force.
I'm sick over this. Thankfully, DH had the sense to tell me to stop talking in front of them and call him when I got home.
I got home, called DH sobbing, and he told me he was really sorry, he told BM to go out the backdoor and she said she would and he can't control what she does; and at some point I need to get over this.
I don't know how??? I am in such intense psychotherapy right now for a mental illness and I know the pain I'm feeling is really about DEEPOER issues. About being emotionally and sometimes physically abused by my mom. Emotionally abused by my dad.
BM is like my mom in my life---a violent drunk whom I cannot escape.
Hence my wretched reaction today.
I'm so upset!
I found out from DH just now that the *reason* BM walked SS out front was to *make sure* I was there.
SCREW THAT. Have I EVER missed a carpool??? NO and she knows it! LIAR. LIAR. She walked out there to cause exactly that reaction! Because she is a psycho!