What do you guys think?

bonnie.garciaDecember 20, 2010

Can I get some advice?

I am the oldest of 3 and none of my siblings nor I have children. Needless to say, my parents are not yet grandparents.

Well, when my BF's daughter came into my life my mother embraced her, she fell in love. She is always asking me if I am going to bring her to visit her, what she can buy her for her bday/xmas/valentines/etc., and if she will be spending xmas with us. At first I struggled with this and would fight my BF and ensuring his daughter had an active role in my family's life, especially since we had planned on getting married

Well, this was before I moved out and we broke up for two months. Now that I have had time to reflect and we decided to move foward with our relationship, I don't think I need to worry about her involvement with my family. I even told my mom not to request those things that I listed above anymore. I no longer worry about her involvement in my family. This doesn't mean I don't want her around. I am just no longer upset or fazed if she doesn't. I see that she is not mine and she should spend her holiday's with her immediate family. If she ever feels like going with me than I would be more than happy to have her. But I no longer make it a point to make her a big part of my side of the family.

Is this bad? Am I giving up too easily? I don't think so...I feel less stressed out to be honest.

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I'm not upset or fazed if my SD isn't here for holidays except that I know DH wants her so I do push for us to get her and for him to know she's wanted. And my DD really likes the idea of a sister...

But I can understand what you're saying. Here's my similar issue, but opposite!

My dad and SM don't understand that I have married my DH, he has acted as "dad" for DD for the past five years and we've been married two. That makes them GRANDPARENTS to SD as well. No, they don't have to buy expensive gifts or be in her face, but a nice fun, inexpensive gift I think would be something "normal" to expect for them to get for her. Especially if we're all celebrating the holiday together.

They don't get it. If it were me being grandma I'd be happy to pick up another board game or hair ties or makeup kit or remote controlled car for another kid. ESPECIALLY since they only have ONE grandchild. It's not like there are so many that this is getting expensive or anything.

There is no such thing as a kid having too many people to care about them. I don't understand people who won't include kids in the family.

That said, I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Don't worry about involving her in your family but leave room for her in the circle. I think that's healthy of you, and good "stepmother etiquette".

    Bookmark   December 20, 2010 at 6:00PM
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I think it's good to keep your expectations low so that:

A) this girl doesn't feel like she is *wrong* or *bad* for wanting to be with her maternal side of the family

B) you don't get your feelings hurt, either

That all said----my mom and grandparents, particularly my grandmother, have completely enveloped my SS in love and welcoming. So much so that recently, when my grandfather received an award at a university, the program for the ceremony listed his three great-grandchildren. EXCEPT, wait for it, my grandfather only has TWO biological great-grandchildren. BUT they included my SS--with his name and age---as one of the great-grandchildren.

Same thing for their anniversary party last year---they referenced, in toasts, their great-grandson _____.

My grandma is fan-freakng-tastic. Well, she is just a great grandma all around but she treats my SS as her own! Really, truly does, from birthdays to presents to 'I love yous* and hugs. It is so sweet.

My mom is great about it, too. Really wonderful.

As a result, my SS feels like a total part of the family---because he IS. He comes on vacations with my side of the family and even last year came with ME without his father. His mom wanted him to stay home with her but he stood up and just said, "Mom, it's going to be fun, I really want to go!"

He recently (bless his heart) told my hubby that he worries about my grandma dying because her hands are wrinkly and she's so old. :( He just loves her.

So---I think, as Silver said, there can NEVER be too many people loving a child. If your family wants to send your SD gifts or be involved in her life, I think they should as much as possible.

Nothing bad can come from that. IMO.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2010 at 7:12PM
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Bonnie, I think that it is fine to keep expectations low, but the doors open. I have full, half and step siblings. For whatever reason, my SM's mother never visited when we were over there. I'm sure that they thought that they were being courteous and not trying to "push" themselves on us. But, I have two (now adult) half-siblings and I've never met their grandparents. It just seems weird and not really right to me.

My mom, on the other hand, has numerous grand-children, none bio. My step-siblings' mom is deceased (SF was a widower) so my mother is the only grandmother on that side that the kids have ever known. When I married DH my SF made some comment about SS not being related to him and I went off on him - and pointed out that he was just as related as my nieces and nephews are related to my mother, their Grandma; he is a step-grandchild.

    Bookmark   December 21, 2010 at 10:04AM
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Thank you guys.

My mom and sister just love her. I wish she could be around just because she is such a gift to them. I can't feel guilty, though because it gets us all nowhere.

I am just glad that she gets to spend time with my family when she gets the opportunity.

On a different note, today I bought my SD her Christmas presents. It was so fun. I can't wait to give them to her. I've really grown to love her.

    Bookmark   December 23, 2010 at 1:46AM
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