My husband doesn't like my children or grandchildren

beltbuckleDecember 13, 2007

WOW, I typed in "my husband doesn't like my children or grandchildren' and I found this! We've been married 6 years now, my husband has 2 boys (different marriages; one he only just found out about and the other has given us 2 grandchildren) and I have 2 kids from my previous marriage with 3 grandchildren. (hope that makes sense)

When we first met my daughter was a total brat to my husband, I didn't like my daughter either! (to make a long story short; my daughter is bi-polar to the extreme, she was diagnosed at 14 yrs old althought I didn't know, I wasn't told up until last year I thought she was a major brat. If you know what it is, then you know how destructive an mental illness it is.)

My husband I adore, but he hasn't much patience when it came to any of our children, his son lived with us when we first moved in together and we dealt with his lying and stories (patholical liar) he went into the military at my husband's persistance and we both thought it would help him. It made him full of himself, he had a 1 yr old son and then got his wife pregnant again and had another son. She was starving the baby, whom at 6 1/2 month weighed 9"9oz. CPS gave us the children 3 different times, as hard as it was we/I took care of them and gave them the love they needed. The eldest was a handful, I want to say he was very hyper and unfocused due to neglect. The youngest was a doll and I got him up to 21" and CPS gave them back, I fought and fought for them, fought the mother and CPS but she won because our son didn't do what he was supposed to and lied about it to us over and over. We aren't allowed to see those babies and it's just about killed us/me. My husband was real close to the youngest. My daughter helped me more than you can imagine with those 2 babies, she already had 3 of her own. She fought and battiled depression big time. The problem is that her husband cowd down to her because she was so mean to him, controlling. He lost his job in the army because of her, he couldn't keep a job due to his own fault and hers. They had moved in with us to many times to count. They aren't great housekeepers either, but my son in law did do whatever I asked of him. I wasn't happy having them there either, I was miserable but I tried not to complain to my husband even though I was complaining to them all the time.

My husband at times during these times would be so sweet to my daughter and tell her he loved her and wanted to help, then other times he would be rude.. I just can't explain it. I was proud of him when he would talk to her like a dad and I understood when he would be impatient or mad at them but I took the brunt of it, I would get YELLED at. This happened so much that my sugar went out of control and now I'm on insulin. Yes I tend to get protective but I think it's more to protect myself and my grandbabies. I yell back now, we aren't very productive that way, I love him, I love all our kids and grandchildren. I want to be grandma to our grandkids, I want to spoil them and send them back and he doesn't, he gives me crap when I have them over for the night and he is not home.

A couple months ago we found out he had another son, a 27 yr old that had legal problems, we offered to have him come to our house, give him a horse (we have a small ranch) and let him start over. I accepted it, I am very accepting of alot of things.

Sorry if I'm rambling. My husband was adopted as a baby, we found his biological mother and family, she rejected him several times, his uncles adore him. He doesn't take rejection very well. Sometimes I think he is jealous of the attention (any attention) I pay to these kids. I get questioned etc.. He is a truckdriver and although not over the road, he is out 3-4 nights a week. We talk on the cell phone (hands free) or rather talk or sit on the cell phone over 5000 minutes a month, I think he feels like he is at home like that. I don't say no to him even if it drives me nuts. lol

Ask me questions, please tell me what to do to make him see what he is doing to us. He believes my daughter is using her mental illness as a crutch. He gives me heck over it. I have only started really helping her get her appts and do what she needs to do mentally with doctors etc.. I need to do this because although the doctors never told me her diagnosis I feel responsible and I am her mom. Most of the help I give her I don't tell him to save myself the hassle. Sorry this is so long but I get it from every end no matter what I do.

By the way we get on very well when it's just us. He has a temper but it's short fused most of the time.

Thank you

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Mercy, have you got a lot on your plate!

I admire your cheerfulness & perseverence.

I think people have a wrong impression about "mental illness";
they think someone who has a brain disorder acts crazy, when really they usually act like anyone else, & their symptoms often do not include "acting crazy".

As you say, bi-polar people can be fractious, argumentative, & unreasonable....& that sounds like a lot of other people as well.

I think I might work on that part of the problem first.

If he can realize that your daughter really does have a disorder, that she's not just being difficult or using her problems as a crutch, he can calm down & develop more reasonable expectations of her.

& I think you're going to *have* to inhale, exhale, take a step backwards, & look after yourself.

No one person can solve everyone else's problems, & if you kill yourself from the stress of trying, those grandchildren never *will* get to know & enjoy their grandmother.

As far as your hubs's mother rejecting him...
That would hurt anyone.

but if he can look at the situation from the perspective of his adult self, he'll realize that she couldn't have been a good mother to him then (that's the reason he was adopted), & she still can't be a mother to him.

She just doesn't have it.

I'd say if he was brought up to be a good person & a responsible adult, & if he's found some uncles who adore him, he's a lucky person indeed.

Take care.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2007 at 10:06PM
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Thank you, I think the working on getting him to understand bi-polar and all it entails might help him which will help me. I think after the holidays he and I are going to go get some much needed counseling, we've had so many things happen in our short time together that we have weathered and this part is major but I feel we have a great foundation and can work this out somehow someway. Thanks :)

Ps.. his biological mother doesn't deserve him, she had 1 more son after him and 6 daughters, almost all had different fathers. They are all disfunctional to the extreme. I'm not putting her down for this but she needs to stop hiding and lying about putting my husband up for adoption. He just wanted to show her what he turned out to be. (my big brat) lol

    Bookmark   December 14, 2007 at 12:58AM
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