Going Further Apart

bobin101080December 10, 2012

Hi All,

So my dad left my mom on valentines day in 2007 right before their 30th wedding anniversary. My mom was crushed even though the marriage was not really great for years. My parents got a cabin and my dad was always gone and mom rarely went. Well during the divorce my dad brought a new woman into the house and she was ok for a while. They got married 3 days after the divorce papers were signed. I wa 26 at the time andmy sister 29. Since then the four kids my step mom has, have been their whole life. My sister and I faded into oblivion along with the grandkids that dearly loved their grandfather, for a time. Now they want nothing to do with him. He lives a mile from me and literally a block from my sister and we NEVER see or hear from him. We also discovered pictures of my dad at the cabin with this woman and her kids in a family type picture. The issue is that these pics were taken years before my dad left my mom. So he basically had another family behin our backs and cheated on all of us. My mom lives 2 hrs from us and we see her maybe once a year when we can all afford to visit for a few days, usually around the holidays. So this year we have been hearing less and less from our dad and it really hurts us even though we are grown. We got thrown away too. My sister and I don't even try anymore. How do we handle this? I hate feeling torn between this.

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You have to redirect your thoughts, don't dwell on it and limit the discussion with your sister to happier things, or you will never get over it. I know that probably sounds impossible to you and your sister, but it can be done. My husband had Alzheimer's and I cared for him almost 5 years. I read that I should redirect his conversation when he went off on something that upset him. I found redirecting my thoughts helped me with family problems. I have no contact with my sons and 2 of my sisters but I am surviving without them due to keeping busy both physically and mentally.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2012 at 10:45PM
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Bobin101080, I had something similar happen with my dad when I was in my early twenties. He did not have another family at that time, but he divorced my mom and married the woman he was having an affair with.

My dad completely walked away from me. I didn't criticize him or his choices, didn't take sides, I loved him just the same. Nevertheless, he chose a new life.

We got thrown away too

Yes, that's exactly what happened. I got thrown away, too, just like my mother.

I can only tell you how I handle it. My dad is who he is. He was a good dad when I was younger, but something happened to him. I'm not sure what, but he changed a lot. My mom and I were not the only people he treated cruelly and selfishly. He started drinking a lot a few years before the divorce, and I think that had a lot to do with the changes I saw in him.

I wish I had my old dad back. The one who loved me and taught me how to throw a basketball, play tennis and bat a softball. The one who told me I was beautiful when I was a gawky, ugly middle schooler. I'd give anything to have that dad back.

But that dad doesn't exist. The man walking around now is nothing like the dad I had.

I don't think of him often, but when I do, I treasure the wonderful memories I have of him. I thank God that I had such a good dad as a child. And I am so thankful that my dad took himself out of my life. I don't think I could ever have cut him out of my life, no matter how hurtful he was to me. So I'm glad that decision was taken out of my hands. I wish my dad the best, but as the years have unfolded I'm glad I didn't have to deal with the unkindness that is a part of his personality now.

I cherish the good memories, discard the bad. I have far more blessings than I ever deserve in my wonderful mom, husband, kids, friends and loved ones.

You can't force people to love you. Examine your own behavior and see if you are the person at fault. If not, be grateful for the years you had a dad when you were growing up. If your dad was a good dad to you when you were a child, then you had more than many kids have. Be grateful for the mother and sister you have in your life, cherish them and appreciate them. Count your blessings.

And I have to note that I am trying hard not to be jealous that you have a sister. I'd love to have a sister!

I hope with all my heart that you find a way to deal with the loss and that you don't beat yourself up over the choices your dad made. His choices have nothing to do with the person you are and everything to do with the person he is. Wish him well in your heart and move on with your life and make it beautiful.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2012 at 11:54PM
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Makes one wonder if these kids might be your dads also?

    Bookmark   December 13, 2012 at 5:19PM
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