My mother in law verbally attacked me!

toddlisatyriDecember 2, 2002

My problem is with my Mother in Law. Things have been difficult from the very beginning. Three months after my husband and I began dating, his mother called my husband crying and told him that he needed to come over to the house. My husband thought that she must need to discuss some health problems and worried all night until he was able to meet with her. We even cancelled an appointment with a realtor to look at a house in order for him to go and talk with her. It ended up that she just wanted to tell him that she felt like she was loosing her son-even though he was still living in her house. She cried and became all emotional. That was just the beginning of our problems with the in laws. After that it seemed that every couple of months his mother would throw a fit about one thing or another and it always seemed to parallel a major stepping stone in our relationship-buying a house, holidays, getting engaged, and the wedding planning. Every time that his mother would throw a fit and CREATE a problem from nothing, his parents would expect us to come over and talk about it. My husband would explain to them that there was nothing to talk about because the problem was either her twisting the truth or simply creating something out of nothing. Our feeling was that we shouldn't give her the attention that she wanted for throwing a fit. However, throughout this time I continued to encourage my husband to call his parents, stop by for a visit, and invite them over, which they declined 4 out of the 6 times that we invited them over. The final straw was when we joined them for a trip to Disney World. We stayed together, but we paid our own way. On the last night, which was also my husband's birthday and 2 months before our wedding, my mother in law threw a fit. She called me every name in the book from "that thing" to

BIT%$. Her fit this time was because we walked to fast through the theme parks and I was trying to lose her. At no time throughout the week did she say that we were going to fast, that she needed to stop and rest etc. Throughout the entire slinging of mud and evil words, I was very proud of my husband and I and how we handled ourselves. At no time did we call names, insult or raise our voice in a harsh tone. She was the only one who used foul names and said that she wouldn't have anything to do with me any longer. She even said that my husband was welcome at their home, but I was no longer a part of their lives. At one point in the evening she wrote a short note to my husband and stated that she wished that someone would just shoot both her and her husband. My husband and I were shocked that she would say such things and put him in such a terrible spot. Of course my husband said that if I wasn't invited around them than he wasn't either and that she needed some professional help.

My husband ended up emailing them and explained that he wanted to fix things, but that we needed a sincere apology before we could move on. His mother wrote us back a letter with both of their names signed at the bottom. The letter was 100 times worse and more hateful than what she had said in Orlando. She insulted my family, called my 5-year-old son a manipulative brat, and again verbally assaulted my character and made up lies about me that my husband knew were not true. She told my husband that he was blinded by my brainwashing and that even his grandmother, grandfather, uncle and his wife all can see how horrible I am. But when we asked each of them, they were shocked that she said those horrible things and apologized again and again.

We ended up getting married 2 1/2 months after her last fit and his parents refused to come to the wedding. She has continued to badmouth me to other people in my husband's family.

The problem now is that I am pregnant. I will have the baby in 3 months. When we found out that we were expelonger. Z cting I urged my husband to call his parents because I didn't feel that it would be right for his parents to find out through the grapevine. They were so excited, but refused to offer any apology for the torment that they put us through. The closest thing that was said was when his father admitted that things were said out of anger. I disagree. I felt that it was an attempt to break us up before the wedding. I'm not sure what to do because they are acting with my husband like there is no longer a problem, and that things will just blow over. I haven't received an apology yet and even if I do, I honestly am not sure if I will be able to face her. Should I stay firm on expecting a sincere apology even though now she's trying to say that she was never mad at me, but more at my husband for letting it get to the point that it did. How should I handle the birth of our baby and his parents? This has been a 3 year horror and I just don't see the end of it!

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If this happened to me, I would do the following:

1. Forgive and REMEMBER (Which is different than forgive and forget. When you forgive and remember, you are a lot more cautious of future events. Shoud something simular occur then you revert to choice 2.)

2. If choice #1 doesn't work and this happens again, it is time to live and let live. If she chooses to not learn from this incident then she chooses to alienate herself from your family. I'd think to myself, "Oh, It's too bad she doesn't want to be a part of my family."

It's hard to be the bigger person and forgive and REMEMBER, but you also have to remember that there is a baby that would like to be spoiled by her grandparents. Give them a chance to not act like idiots and maybe 20 years down the road you will have found out that it was all worth it.


    Bookmark   December 2, 2002 at 4:53PM
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I have a ML just like yours so I know how you feel. My ML has pulled similar stunts and has refused to apologize even though she has acted like a complete ass. She seems to think that I will forget what she has done. I see her for the type of person that she really is, which is a controlling manipulative selfish person who cannot grasp reality and accept the fact that her son is an adult and doesn't need her anymore. Stand your ground and don't back down to your ML. If she chooses to continue to act the way she is then she will lose out, not you. You're having a baby and you don't need your ML acting like one!

    Bookmark   December 2, 2002 at 10:08PM
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Without seeing her, it's hard to tell what's going on, but she's not reacting to her son's remarriage like a sane person. I'm thinking severe clinical depression expressed as hostility, or maybe late developing schizophrenia, or maybe serious narcissistic disorder (which is more than mere vanity, way more).

Whatever she (or anyone's MIL) put you through, at least you aren't living inside her mind like she is. Try to imagine what thoughts she must be living with to make her act like that. If you can switch your thinking from "he/she's attacking me" to "he/she's seriously screwed up and I'm not going to take it personally" life will be easier for you. Look on her with compassion ...

Talk to your FIL, in a private chat, about getting help because your MIL needs therapy. SOON. That "someone should just put us out of our misery" statement needs to be dealt with before she decides to take it on herself to do it and it ends up in a murder/suicide. His murder and her suicide, maybe several family murders and her suicide.

Talk with the other relatives and the ex-wife and see if they have noticed any behavior that is too threatening or bizarre to ignore. Even offhand comments need to be considered.

And do not EVER let her near your children until she's in therapy and has been improving. they don't need a crazy, verbally abusive granny.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2002 at 8:18AM
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I also relate to your story in quite a few ways. (I actually made a post on the Grandparents forum yesterday about feeling sorry for our son because Grandma won't see him). I've been with my fiance' for about 5 years now. For the most part, though, I've gotten along with his mother...or so I thought. She has a tendancy to make you feel like you're her favorite but it's really so she can get info and spread stuff and twist things. She used to try to "help" me with my problems with my mother (she had some nervous breakdowns in the past but has improved greatly over the past 3 years) but really she was taking stuff that I was saying to say my family was crazy and other things. There were many visits when she sat and went off on my one SIL for long periods of time (now the woman isn't the nicest person and tends to use people and lie a lot so it's normal for people to get fed up with her) but then I was finding she was also telling SIL I said the stuff about her that she was actually saying. It's caused great rifts in the family and made it so I could never get along with this woman. I've tried several times this year to patch things with SIL but then SIL goes to MIL's house and she's back to being distant and mean to I've given up all hope (5 tries is enough!). I think with MIL it's all a control issue. She's controlled who gets along and who doesn't with lies and twists (like she'll say so and so said something about you that she actually said!). She snubs you if you get something and she doesn't think you should have gotten it (she knows how much you make and how much your bills are whether you told her or not and will go to stores to see how much you paid for something!). There are so many issues and it all relates to control but she'll blame it all on everyone else. We're all jealous of each other and hate one another and we talk nasty about the others all the time...yet the siblings and in-laws try to get together and do stuff and call each other! (Like I am supposed to be VERY jealous of our 5 month old nephew. But I called SIL after every appt. and checked on her and the baby all the time while she was pregnant and we went to the hospital to see him and SIL and BIL when he was born and we go to their house or they come here at least once a month. Sometimes SIL and I go shopping together and things and we talk on the phone for at least an hour each time!) But honestly, how is the problems in your life due to everyone else when you have no friends, don't talk to half your siblings most of the time, can't stand your co-workers, your neighbors are all a$$holes in your mind (so don't even think of saying hi or anything to them or she's mad!), you can't get along with more than one of your 4 kids at a time, etc. I can't see how everyone else in the world has a problem but her yet she hates so many and won't get close to anyone.

So three months ago she decided to stop talking to me...why? Because I tried to contact my ex-SIL. We all talk to her daughter's (although they were her kids from a previous marriage and BIL doesn't see them and hasn't in 3 years) and that's okay to MIL. I e-mailed the youngest daughter, who lives with her mother, and said I wanted to talk to her mother if she wanted to talk to me...just to catch up and see how she was. The e-mail addy I had for this girl happened to be at her father's house and I didn't know it. So her step mother checks her mail and forwarded the e-mail to the ex-SIL but not before she sent it to MIL, also! I didn't do anything wrong but MIL felt I had no right talking to this woman and that was enough for her to do away with me. She also tried to bring others down and cause a million problems on her own but they all became my fault. I supposely decided to cause all these problems because I found out MIL liked making fun of my clothing (I'm 22 and wear clothes that are in, yet they aren't too revealing because I'm a Mom and not into showing my stomach and chest and everything else off! But to her it's too much because it's not always baggy jeans and old baggy t-shirts like her). So it's been 3 months. DS (3 1/2)gets upset because he can't see his Grandma or Pappy. I would call down and let him speak with her on the phone but I've seen how MIL reacted when BIL and SIL did that with their two kids when they weren't getting along with her. She said that they were using the kids to try to get along with her again and that they also probably just needed a sitter if the kids asked about coming over to visit for just a little. To her it was impossible for the kids to miss her or want to talk to her or something. She was downright rude and weird with the kids all because she was fighting with their parents and I won't let her do that with my son. It's also not helping that SIL (who I really don't get along with and nobody really can) has made a habit out of bragging about all Grandma has done for the kids lately when we're she's watched them or had them over for dinner or took them shopping, etc. All stuff MIL never really did before. Or we go by MIL's house and the rest of the family is all there visiting and he's sad because he's not there, too. The other tough issue is that I'm 3 months pregnant now. MIL knows because my fiance' keeps in touch with his step father still and told him. We've run into a lot of family members who don't even know I'm pregnant or anything about it because she's not sharing that with anyone. Or the SIL I get along with has told me that she doesn't ask or say anything to her about me or the baby or anything. I'm worried what will happen down the road. What if it June comes and the baby is here and she's not around at all? I keep telling myself it's her loss but I still feel bad for my child. Or I'm afraid she'll find out and come to the hospital to cause a scene (Last summer when SIL had the baby MIL made plans to go out of town for 2 weeks over the time of her due date. Then she called the hospital and made SIL feel bad that she wasn't there when the baby was born!) I guess I shouldn't worry so much about what might happen but it's hard when you look at your children and I remember what it was like when my parents didn't get along with my grandparents...And I can relate to the "pretend nothing happened" thing...that's my MIL, too. Fiance' wants an apology for what was said and done to us but it won't happen. MIL will either call us up or show up out of the blue and we'll be expected to act like everything is fine and go on with life like before. For me it's hard to pretend it didn't happen. There are scars there that don't just erase. Issues that need settled. And honestly, can I treat this woman the way I did before all the mean and hateful things were said? I will never be able to be that close to her again. Another thing is that we have been talking about getting married finally but I can tell that my fiance' is hesitant because his mother won't be there. He tried to speak with her last night when he called to check on his step dad's first day of buck season last night but she cut him off. I don't see an end in sight and I'm tired of this all...


    Bookmark   December 3, 2002 at 9:36AM
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When I was done reading your post, my first reaction was - "What good would a forced, insincere apology do? You must either accept that you are married to the son of an unstable, controlling woman, get strong and let her manipulations roll of your back, or you can hold on to some delusion that if she apologizes, everything will get better. She will always be like this (unless she has s frontal labotomy or something). It doesn't have to be an all or nothing relationship. You can limit your contact with her without shutting her out completely. As long as you know never to trust or let her too far into your life, she can do no real damage. Kind of like a barking dog - its irritating but cannot really hurt. I don't know how she did it, but she seems to have raised a wonderful son who has been a supportive husband to you. I love Cin's "forgive and remember"!!! That's what I would do.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 5:18AM
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What you are saying is so true...I mean when I was so incredibly angry about my MIL I sat down and talked to a distant cousin on IM and she gave me great advice. She told me not to worry so much about MIL because it was obvious she had the problem. Her stories don't add up and she lies about things she said and can't have a decent relationship with anyone and controls everything down to everything her husband says/does. I know this and many others see it but we can't do anything about any of it. She has to want to change and do it herself...but she doesn't see she has a problem so that won't happen. She blames her past all the time for how she is but doesn't see that just because something happened to you growing up, it doesn't mean you have to repeat it. She thought since her family was so hard and cruel on her she could just raise her son's to believe the world is a rotten place and nobody will ever really care for you or help you~ they'll only use you to get where they want to be. Somehow in spite of this, her boys turned out to be very loving, wonderful men that want different for their families. It's taken some repair work on the DIL's parts to fix things (like my fiance' thinks very little of himself at times and I have to get him out of that frame of mind) but the guys are going to be okay and so our our children. That's probably what she hates so much...that we're teaching her son's differently and all the DIL's were raised better than she was. I would love to be able to try to mend things for DS and the good of the family but I will watch my back from now on...kind of a "Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice" deal. (That's actually how I got through all this...I heard LeAnn Rimes "Life Goes On" the day after she started the fight and listened to it a lot after that! LOL)

Good luck!


    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 9:56AM
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Wow! Your MIL seems to be related to mine! One thing that I do know is that I will learn from this and will never do this to my children and their spouses. I love my children to much to be hateful to anyone that they have chosen to love and care for. Sometimes I wonder if I have been hurt more or if my husband has. The guilt that he feels for the pain that she has inflicted upon us must be enormous. How sad that women out there just can't see that lies and hate will be seen for what they truly are and that their sons will choose good over bad.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 12:13PM
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It's not so much the guilt your husband feels with the pain she caused you guys...I mean think what it's like to have your own mother treat you this way? That's what kills me. I've cried many times for my fiance' because as a woman, a mother, and a child, I can't understand how his mother could be this way.

Want to know why else my MIL has told me she doesn't like me? She told me this a few months ago...that I smother her son (love him too much) and that I worry too much about my fiance' and our son. I said that I would love to be able to say that about my son's wife or gf someday. Those are not qualities to dislike someone for...they're ones to approve of them for.


    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 2:13PM
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I completely understand what your saying about your MIL disliking that you love him too much! My MIL said the same thing-that I have brainwashed my husband into believing that I actually love him by treating him so well and saying I love you to him so much. I come from a very affectionate family and when love overcomes me-I say so. I truly believe in never letting a day go by without letting your loved ones know exactly how much they mean to you. It's just sad that some of our MILaw's feel that caring and being affectionate is a negative quality.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 4:40PM
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OMG! I thought I was the only one who's MIL accused her of loving her son (my hubby, obviously), too much. I was floored! I'm with the OP's last post--I just get 'overcome' and I let him know--

I think my MIL and the OPs are related! (Definitely related to Holly's!)

    Bookmark   December 6, 2002 at 12:25PM
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I unfortunately have a mother-inlaw like yours. I have been so angry at her for her guilting tactics that I have realized that I hurt myself and really noone else because this is what she has wanted all along. So I love the one ladies advise forgive but never forget. She is the one who is going to be sorry when it will all be said and done. My mother-inlaw because my husband would not answer phone calls left me a message on my cell phone. He was so tired of her calling and leaving goofy messages we changed our home number and his cell number. She then proceeded to call my cell number saying how she wanted to know just what was going on over there.blah blah. and how she would like to see her son ( 47 years old) and how I needed to come down to earth and act like I had some sense because she was sick and tired of it! My sentiments are so what she is tired of it.. She doesn't pay the bills in our home or anything. She runs to my husband to tattle on me all the time. We have been removed from it for a few months and I realize that she really is childish. It's a control issue all of it, if she does not get her way she will throw a fit. I have learned that praying for her really helps... I used to think that she should apologize to me, but anyone dumb enough to act like that probably doesn;t have the smarts to apologize... Good Luck with your motherinlaw! I feel for you, but I think I will definately take the advise myself forgive but never forget and never let her too far into my life.

    Bookmark   March 28, 2007 at 3:22PM
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You poor thing...This mother-in-law is either: On drugs,mentally unstable,or going through menopause.

I'm going to give a different view here.

My own mom,although I love her to death,has caused alot of drama the last 11 years I've been with my husband.
One halloween,after our daughter had a party at school,a party at a family member's house,and was taken to an event with a costume parade and crafts,my mom wanted to take her trick or treating.
Our daughter was simply exsausted,and it was a Sunday/school night,so my husband thought she should go home.
My mom got really angry,stormed out of her own house and left us sitting there.
When we got home,there were at least 5 messages from her that all went something like,
"Ted,how could you do this to your daughter?! You are the worst father there ever was!!! I feel so sorry your child has a dad like you!" And she threw in alot of cuss words.

Our daughter wasnt even upset she didnt get to go,she had a bag full of candy,and could have cared less about the whole thing.
Anyways,I was furious for her calling him a bad father. We got into it,and I didnt talk to her for like,3 months.We only made up when she did write an apology letter to my husband.
And,this is just a small example of ONE of MANY fights we've had over the years. Sadly,I'm more like the responsible one and my mom is more dramatic and immature.

It is so very good your husband has your side,as I have ALWAYS had my husband's side too.
Honestly,the best thing you can do in these types of situations,is not get too close. No more vacations together and such.
Stick to the holidays and every now and then....unless she changes,but it doesnt sound like this woman will change anytime soon.
And,if she shows any hostility to your child,dont hesitate to cut off all ties.

    Bookmark   March 29, 2007 at 3:14AM
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Good grief, too much of what you said reminds me of the 20 years I suffered at the expense of my mil. I was 20 when I married and within the first year, she had not only emotionally abused me but wound up and hit me as well. Having tantrums and saying she was going to kill herself was the norm, she would threaten to jump off her 14th floor balcony. It was so messed up and something I had never experienced in my life before, that I didn't know what to do. After the slapping incident (I walked home, along way, my new hubbie was terrified and stayed with her???!) i didn't talk to her for about 4 months. My dad who was still alive at the time, told me not to come between my husband and his mother... great advice... not. The slapping incident was brought on by nothing...seriously .. nothing. This was only the beginning and after 20 years of her manipulative abuse, where she would say or do horrible things, and when confronted, deny EVER having done or said them... I was burnt out. My kids were old enough to make their own decisions and I just had to back away. I encouraged my hubbie to maintain a relationship with his mother, and my feeling is that in the end, she got what she wanted, he and his brother all to herself. They remained devoted right up to the end of her life, which was last week, but sadly, I never could trust her after so many despicably manipulative and mean hearted things that she did over the 32 years I've been married. My poor hubbie is sad she's gone, but is feeling ambivalent about her death, sad and relieved.. our first Christmas since we're together and we can relax and enjoy it and not feel as though we're going through an emotional storm.

Your mother in law will not change, mine never did and I frankly had no intentions of becoming like her, removing myself from her web although difficult in the beginning was what saved me finally. I went through counseling to try and rebuild my shattered self esteem, and am happy to say it worked. What's really so very sad is that just today I was trying to remember 'the good times' and in 32 years I could not remember any. How sad is that? I've done some reading on narcissistic personality disorder, and with the help of my therapist realize that's what I was dealing with. These are personality disorders, which cannot be cured without professional help, even then, I'm not convinced they can be. Unfortunately these people are about the LAST people to ever think they have a problem, it is always everyone else's fault. They do not know how to put themselves in others shoes, so how can they possibly be empathetic?

If you've tried to be calm and reasonable, I suggest NOT waiting 20 years as I did. Get some good professional help so you get your own head straight and then deal with your MIL as best you can. If that doesn't work, get out.. let him have a relationship and see her only when necessary (weddings, funeral, christenings etc...) you married him after all.... NOT her nor his father. Save yourself !!
ps. my brother in law refers to me as the 'cold hearted' one.. hu hum. I never sought revenge, but when you feel under attack it's a temptation. I think her having to deal with trying to explain to her friends and family why we were estranged for almost 14 years was revenge enough. It made her perfection look a lot less perfect and much more regular just like a normal person, which of course she wasn't. I just hope the legacy doesn't continue and manifest in my BIL, guess these people are sent to us to test and challenge us. She made me a more shrewd person and a a lot less trusting. Wow now after all these years saying this feels very good and freeing ! phew.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2007 at 1:02AM
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It's such a pity that so many women out there have to deal with crazy, unstable MILs. It makes me wonderDid they forget what it's like to become a married woman themselves and want to be accepted and respected by their own MILS? I just donÂt get it. How do they turn into these overbearing monsters?

Let me begin by saying thank you to everyone who has posted a story here. They were very interesting to read and I am sorry to all of you who have had to deal with crazy MILs. I am however so empowered by you and think it is awesome that you have still, however difficult, not let it end your relationships and marriages. ItÂs the easiest thing to do  just throw your hands up and walk out  and sometimes you just want to do it so badly. However, it really proves a point when you decide that youÂre not going to let someone elseÂs ridiculousness ruin what you have with your partner. You really have to stand up for yourself and your own life. It would be a relief to walk out but it would be a definite pity to let people like that win!

My own story is certainly not as serious as some of the ones that have been posted here, nor am I a married woman like many of you here are. However, I have had an experience with the mother of my boyfriend, with whom IÂve been together for almost two years now. WhatÂs sad is that yes, weÂre not even married yet, and sheÂs already gone and done it. Some women have been married for years and have never had to deal with anything too crazy from their MILs, and other get it before marriage is even in the picture. Oh splendid!! ;-)

Anyhow, to get to the point, what happened is that I was arguing over the phone with my boyfriend this past summer and she overheard us arguing. She and I always got along fine  almost too well, really  but she definitely did butt into our business sometimes when she didnÂt really have a place. It was never anything really serious though. This time, however, her over-involvement really went too far. I was directly asking him why he hadnÂt worked in the past ten months. He was in school from January to May, so okay fine, but then clearly in the summer he had no excuse. I asked this because I was curious if there was something he wasnÂt telling me (thatÂs part of a longer story) and I just wanted to make sure I wasnÂt being fooled or something. I also asked this because his money or lack thereof would sometimes directly affect our relationship; we werenÂt always able to do everything we (and I) would have liked to because he didnÂt always have the dough! And at this point our relationship had turned long distance (I moved back home from college)! (So, it is partly my business, at least I definitely think it is!)

So, his mother overheard what I was saying through her son openly reiterating it in the house and got all defensive because his reaction over the phone made it sound like I was being abrasive and putting him down (when he is, without a doubt, trying to better himself and was back in school finishing his degree). She wrote the following on a piece of paper and flagged at him, to say to me: "Tell her she hasnÂt lost ten lbs in the past ten months and that makes her hard to defend!" Long story short, I ended up finding out that she wrote this, with the intention of him to saying it to his own girlfriend.

I was so shocked and hurt (and then just outright pissed!). I cried well into the next day about it. Never has anyone been so outrightly mean to me sinceÂI donÂt know...elementary school! I couldnÂt believe she would talk about me like that, and better yet, try to get him to talk to me like that (he is nothing like that at all  very sweet and loving and accepting of me the way I am  the good and the bad). It was also shocking because, like I previously mentioned, we always got along very well and if anything I had only heard her say nice things about me, especially about my physical appearance  that IÂm cute, how nice I looked in a dress, things like that. I always knew she had a bad temper and when angry let things fly out of her mouth, but I never knew she could be that bad and loose ALL sense. ItÂs one thing when you let things fly out of your mouth to your family  families can usually make amends and move on  but to your sonÂs girlfriend? Please. Even some of the stupidest people on earth know you donÂt say things like that to people, and this woman, believe it or not, is very far from stupid and scummy. SheÂs got three degrees (one of them a J.D.) and is a reverendÂs wife!!! You would never think you could hate this woman, but then watch her snapÂand you wonÂt believe how she acts. I guess thatÂs how it goes with her, sadly.

It is now over five months later and I have still not received any kind of apology from her. My boyfriend has said that he has talked to her about the situation multiple times and she does intend to apologize but when the "time is right." (Supposedly she said that she does not think IÂm fat or anything like that and just said that because she knows itÂs something IÂm insecure about.) I just think that sheÂs a coward and doesnÂt know how to be an adult and do what should have been done months ago. ItÂs been so long now and I feel like sheÂs lost her chance. At this point, what is an apology even worth? I donÂt feel that it would be genuine. If she really cared, if she really regretted what she said and the damage she did, she would have cleared things up a loooong time ago. I truly believe that. I know that everyone else does not think the way I do, but I do know that if I were her I would want to make things right again asap, as embarrassing as it may be. No one likes to apologize but it is the right thing to do and I know that I couldnÂt feel right about myself again until I made those amends. She is 46 and I am 22. ShouldnÂt she know this far better than me?!

The facts of the matter are: she had no place in that conversation to begin with (it was between my boyfriend and myself  she had nothing to do with anything we were talking about) and on top of that she took a low blow at me (better yet tried to advise her own SON to take the low blow at me) thinking that bringing up my weight and attacking me with that is fighting on an even playing field. Okay, IÂm not Einstein (and I donÂt have a J.D.), but since when is attacking someoneÂs physical appearance equal to asking a person why they havenÂt worked? Hm. Still trying to figure that one out! I also know that what she said wasnÂt the most AWFUL thing in the world and could have certainly be a lot worse. However, it was still intentionally mean, cheap, classless, not to mention absolutely unnecessary! I do not think that I should just let this blow over. You canÂt treat people like that just because you feel they are "attacking" someone you love and that you need to provide defense! I donÂt even know how I would react if she did try to apologize this late on, but I do know that as long as nothing at all is done IÂm definitely not going to back down. I'm definitely not going to disrespect myself after she did as well.

The incentive to write this story actually came from another situation that just happened earlier this evening. My boyfriend was fighting with his parents and she, angry and impulsive, called me. (I didnÂt pick up at the time.) I found out afterwards from my bf that she was calling me so that I could hear the way he was yelling at them and then I donÂt know, maybe think twice about staying with him? Well first of all, I already know that side of him (it has been two years!) and know that when people get pissed they yell! I do it to him too! If we were hitting each other and verbally abusing each other, thatÂd be another story. Furthermore, why in the hell does she think itÂs okay to call me ESPECIALLY knowing our circumstances? If you canÂt use my number for good, then donÂt use it at all! I certainly donÂt need her calling me to start drama and try to what  have me leave him?? And even IF we were on good terms, who the hell does that?!! What place did I even have in that situation and why did she try to use it to cause problems between him and I too??? I donÂt want to think that she wants me to leave him so that she can be rid of me, because I donÂt think thatÂs true. But seriously, the woman needs to get a hold of herself and start being her actual age (46), not the sum of her age.

Okay so I know that was a novel but itÂs something that I havenÂt written about since it happened, and I guess I just had a lot built up. Bless you and thank you a million if you have made it to the end! If I can get any kind of feedback or thoughts from anybody about any aspect of what I wrote, I would greatly appreciate it! This is not something that I let bother me too much, but it is something that I wish did not have to be so.

Thank You!

    Bookmark   January 13, 2009 at 10:21PM
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Sad to say, but I'm actually extremely envious of you. I only WISH my MIL had openly expressed her true feelings by doing that to me--because that would served as PROOF POSITIVE!

Instead, my MIL was "passive-agressive" meaning she pretends outwardly to welcome me with open arms and be ever so agreeable, only to undermine and cut me down the second my back was turned. Doing everything she possibly could to break up our marriage, and get my husband to reconcile with his X.

She was always so "sugary sweet" to my face, that it took me a good 5 years to even figure out that by always calling me "sweetie" and "honey" she was in actuality, avoiding to call me by my name! What she was doing in actuality, was trivializing our relationship as just being nothing more than yet another one of her son's "honey's", dehumanizing me as being such a "cheap fling", to be quickly discarded and forgotten, that I wasn't even important enough for her to bother spending the time to learn my name, much less, use it and forget about even bothering to get to know me as an actual real live human being.

I would much rather deal with someone who expresses their hostility openly, than "snipe" at me behind my back. At least that way her true agenda would have become obvious pretty quickly to me, my husband and every other member of his family.

You can't do anything to control other people, but at least you know exactly where you stand, and you have a far better chance than I at resolving your differences with her, and failing that, at least protect yourself and your marriage from her viscious attacks.

Not that my MIL's "passive-aggressive" games ever managed to have much of an effect on my husband and my love for each other, other than to force us to construct barriers, and draw us together even closer. We've been together for 25 years, and at her funeral, my husband did not shed a single tear which is highly unusual for my husband who normally highly emotional and expresses himself openly.

Sad to have to say, but the only emotion I felt was relief that this woman would no longer be able to cause my husband or I any further harm. She was never able to see me as a person, so I was never able to see her as his mother. I still have no clue as to how my husband could have possibly have turned out to be the warm, open, loving man I know, having been raised by someone that devious and underhanded. I can only speculate that his dad and grandparents much have had a far greater influence on him, because I knew them and they were wonderful, completely incapable of causing intentional harm to anyone.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 12:05PM
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"Her fit this time was because we walked to fast through the theme parks and I was trying to lose her. At no time throughout the week did she say that we were going to fast, that she needed to stop and rest etc."

My stepmother threw that exact same fit (except it was in the airport)!!! Amazing, I never thought anyone else could be so petty.

I have no advice, just empathy :)

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 12:41PM
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Oh, wow. I feel so sorry for all of you! I was dating a guy once with a mother that would have been the MIL from h*ll. After dating for awhile, he wanted me to meet her. (in retrospect, I'm sure this was her idea, pushed from day one.) We met for lunch and she just STARED at me the entire time. Any conversation was started by myself or my bf. She just STARED. I would say passive aggressive, but this was just downright aggressive. It was SO incredibly creepy. Had I had a little more moxy at the time, I would have asked her what she was staring at!

I seriously believe that this was her way of throwing down the gauntlet, deciding how strong I was. We broke up eventually, but I shudder to think what I would have gone through had we married. There's more to the story, but I guarantee that she was one sick cookie.

    Bookmark   January 14, 2009 at 8:28PM
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I do understand what you are going through and I can relate to that.

My present BF and I have now being dating for approximately one year and yet my MIL refuses to remember my name and calls me" girl".That just irritates me! I could remember telling her my name repeatedly.
My situation is that my bf lives in an apartment below his mum; he works very late so his mum insists on cooking for him after saying that "he does eat re-fridgrated food".I suggested that whenever I am around I cook a few meals and store it for him until he is ready to eat. I saw for my self on several occasions my bf reheating food that his mum cooked a few days before.
Whenever we are having our quiet time she comes downstairs and knocks loudly on the door without the reason being urgent.Who does that? Anyway she is unemployed and has 5 children ages ranging from 21-30 yrs and still refers to them as "kids, babies " etc.
I live approximately 5 hrs away from my bf; has a full-time job and study part-time.Did I mention that I am an educated, independent woman that does not depend on her son for anything.One day I was asked how much my bf gives me? Who in their rightmind does that?
In one conversation I was verbally abused for being of a darker complexion than she is, claiming that "RED SKIN IS WHAT MEN DESIRE".Did I mention that she does all of her kids laundry?!...My bf tries his best to deal with the situation and I am trying not to pressure him.We are expecting our first child and prays daily that her actions does not cause stress...We will figure out the living arrangements before my baby is born ( God's WILL). So on this note we all have met or is still to meet someone who meddles.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2011 at 6:32AM
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Neither my DH or myself have spoken to his parents in over a year. I'm lucky to have married someone who stood up for me. My MIL was definitly passive aggressive and we tolerated her. It all came to a head about 2 months before our wedding and haven't spoken to them since. I don't know how I would feel if I ever became pregnant. I wouldn't want my child missing out on grandparents but I definitly wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my child alone with her.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2011 at 5:18PM
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If you live 5 hours away from BF & he lives downstairs from his mom, would he be willing to move to where you live. At least it would limit her involvement. That is.. if HE wants to limit her involvement. HE must cut those apron strings himself... not you. She sure isn't gonna do it either.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2011 at 6:03PM
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Your MIL won't change! Don't let her ruin your life! And, NEVER leave your children with her!!!
Sad to say, we were all glad to be able to have peaceful holiday times after my MIL died!

    Bookmark   June 3, 2013 at 8:15AM
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