adult child has issues w/controlling stepfather, please help.
I am 32 y.o., only child and recently married. My father died when I was 18. At the time my parents were divorced but had started dating again, then he found out he was terminally ill and we cared for him thru his last days. A few months after he died, my mom had started dating my stepfather and he moved in w/us, under the pretense that he was only staying there for one month until his new apartment was ready for move-in. He never left and they married in 2001.
My mom is very family-oriented and I've always felt the pressure from her to treat him as a stepfather, etc., and I've done so. He is a nice man but recently we're starting to butt heads (he also has NO children). As I mentioned, I am recently married and I was having some problems w/my spouse before the marriage that I didn't mention to either of them b/c I didn't want to put a "black cloud" over our wedding day. Things got slightly worse after the wedding and I went to my mom's, sad and just wanting to vent to my mom and just confide in her. My stepdad was at work. Well apparently, my stepdad didn't like the way I approached it and wants me and my husband to sit down w/him and my mom. According to him the meeting "is only for both my husband and my learning and we just listen and then go." I told my stepfather this doesn't concern my husband, it was me wanting to confide in my mother. He said there is no negotiation, it must be all four of us (My husband didn't mind me talking to my mom about the issues but he feels this is out of line, as do I). I feel the way he approached it was very controlling and I thought it was out of line. My mom also said she would not talk to me w/out having the meeting either b/c they are a "unit" and she doesn't want to take sides. I'm not asking her to, but I'm her daughter and she's mom and she needs to separate the two sometimes and set boundaries w/my stepfather and where he thinks he can go with me.
In recent years, I have asked my MOM to help me finance a few college courses and a small part of my wedding, but the money has come out of his pocket b/c he's the breadwinner. I don't know if he thinks b/c he's given me money that he has a right to talk to me in anyway he wishes but I don't like the position I'm in. I feel like I'm being treated like a child and I need to break this before it gets worse. In addition, whenever I want to talk to my mom about a problem I'm having w/her, he has to be there and he's always chiming in and taking control of the situation.
I haven't talked to my mom in over a week b/c of this and just her and I are meeting on Sunday to discuss things. After several emails I finally got her to agree to meet with me and not have to include my stepfather. I don't know how to delicately approach this and let her know how I feel about him and the controlling, know-it-all behavior he projects towards me. Any advice, please??