Insensitive, thoughtless and rude.

gerinaDecember 10, 2009

I thought that I would share something I consider to be thoughtless and rude that was just done to me by my DH, who obviously condones his DD's 25 behavior because he participated in this rudeness. My mom passed away two days ago. It was a long time coming, she ways very ill, and had been in and out of hospice a few times. It was actually a blessing and as sad as it was, I was able to witness her the her last breaths and passing. There was so much love in that room, that I was able to look beyond the event that happened to me (her death) and see the beauty in her transition. It was one of the most powerful and wonderful experiences of my life and I shall cherish it forever. Although, I am now sad and I am trying to focus on the good part.

My DH contacted his DD 25 by email to tell her that I lost my mom and to give her the info about the services. He told her it was fine if she did not attend. She sent him a reply and this is what it says, "OK thanks" (about attending the services). "Give Geri my condolences". He forwarded me her response so I would not think she was rude and uncaring!!

Call me Thurman, but that is one of the F-ing rudest things I have ever experienced. Shame on both of them. Her for thinking it is appropriate to say I am sorry via another person. And him for being such a boob to not know enough to tell her, you know DD25, you're an adult and Geri has been in your life a long time and she always been thoughtful to you and done nice things for you. Perhaps you should tell her personally or send her a card.

I'd give anything to give those two a piece of my mind right now, but I know that I need to never comment on this EVER. If I wasn't feeling badly enough, and actually my mom's death is the best thing to happen for both her and me because I was her caregiver, I am now P.O.ed, which is at least an emotion different from grief, but still.

Now you may be thinking that she may still personally contact me or send a card to acknowledge my loss, but I know she won't. This is how she thanks me for gifts - through her dad. I've told him in the past that she is an adult and she shouldn't be telling him to thank me for her - that it is RUDE. He of course became very defensive when I mentioned the thank you, so this I why I will keep my yapper shut.

Should I be wrong and she actually does send a card or personally says that she is sorry, I will let you know, but I won't hold my breath. This is the type of behavior that really makes SP feel like they are just nothing but fools, chattel and mats upon which to wipe one's feet. I am disgusted with both of them.

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I'm so sorry.

You know, there's often a lot to be said for keeping the peace, but there's also the tendency for people to take advantage of your willingness to do so.

At some point, keeping the peace becomes "enabling"...
& then soembody'll tell you that their piggishness is all your fault!

I think at this point, I'd blow my stack at both of them without regard to consequences;
let them decide to "keep the peace" or not.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 3:02PM
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Gerina - I'm grateful that you have peace and were able to be with your mom when she passed.

You are absolutely right to be upset about DH's and SD's behavior. DH should've told his daughter to contact you herself... WOW! It was stupidly insensitive on both of their parts. DH also should have asked her to come to the service to be there for you, not given her an option.

I truly hope SD suprises you and does something thoughtful. If not, I'd be hard pressed to give her any more time or gifts until she showed genuine appreciation for them.

Take care and ((((hugs))) to you.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 3:10PM
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Sylvia and Poppin-
Thank you for your responses. I am sitting here wrapped in a towel because I had to take a hot shower to cool off my anger. I do know what you mean about saying something to him vs keeping the peace and enabling them. At the moment I am trying to keep the peace because I am already so overwhelmed with the events at hand. My mother was the last remaining survivor of my immediate family (excluding me), so everything has fallen on me and I am juggling about about one thousand things. I've been on the phone for two days straight and I only stopped to post here because I was so outraged and needed to vent.

I would be happy to take anyone's suggestions on how to diplomatically say something to him w/ out causing myself too much more stress. I can handle some stress, but I have people flying in from out of state and a bunch of other things regarding the funeral.

I imagine that he will ask me if I got his email. I guess I can say that I did and I am sure she will follow-up with a card or a phone call. Maybe if I put it this way, he will think that I will think that he was thinking that she was being rude.


    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 3:33PM
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When he mentions it I would just tell him A. not his place to offer her condolences for her she is a GROWNUP and B. That is incredibly insulting & hurtful to you that he continues to excuse her inappropriate behavior.

My deepest sympathy to you on the loss of your dear Mother (hug) it is wonderful though that you were able to be with her during her crossing over and that it was peaceful & serene is a blessing indeed. My heart goes out to you, it's still a difficult transition in the best of circumstances.


    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 4:11PM
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I am so sorry for your loss and for what you have to go through...I am glad you were with your mother until the last moment...

I might be completelly off but some people are just terrible with expressing sympathy or don't know how to act in these situations. I wonder if that's how SD always acts when she is facing difficult emotions. Not to excuse her of course. If SD knew you for a long time she should at least send a card.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 4:34PM
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Sorry about your mom Gerina....My dad passed away last September, one SS told DH to tell me he was sorry, the other, nothing at all...I was not angry because I had no expectations that either would do anything...I didnt blame DH, I think you really shouldnt feel badly towards your DH, they are adults, its all on their shoulders, really..Concentrate on healing yourself and forget about these cretins.....

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 5:26PM
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Thank you for your kindness. I talked to my best friend about thirty minutes ago and I decided to let it go.

I have concluded that this young woman is a reflection of her upbringing and her parents. My DH's side of the family isn't very formal, and while my MIL (and FIL for that matter) is polite and mannered, she was a single mom with two rowdy boys. I think that my DH wasn't paying much attention when my MIL was trying to instill any type of social etiquette.

The BM of my SD's is on par with some of the worst BM's described on this forum. She is all about her and she acts as though everyone should bow down to her, as she is doing all of us a favor by gracing us with her presence. Sounds harsh, but any MOM who tells their cute and well-developed daughter that she doesn't want her around her BF while she isn't around isn't going to be a stellar example of anything but self-centeredness. She either thinks her own daughter is a threat to her or she thinks her BF is a pervert and chooses him over her own flesh anyway.

SD isn't the type to be uncomfortable with emotion and I have been in her life since she was in 6th grade. I think she is who she is. I believe that she was probably sorry for that brief moment when she heard the news and now it is back to more important things like her. She is like this with everyone.

I guess what ticked me off the most is the fact that her dad told her that she didn't have to worry about attending the service. She's not a child and doesn't need to be given "a way out" by daddy - that's just my thought. I am also irritated that he would think forwarding her message is appropriate. The saddest part is that one day she is not going to know how to behave socially and it will make her look badly or perhaps cost her an opportunity.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 6:18PM
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Holy cow.

I am appalled.

A friend of mine---and not a close friend, mind you, she is a mom of a girl in my DD's class--lost her mother to cancer last fall. I went and stood in the visitation line for over an hour---BECAUE I WANTED TO and because THAT'S WHAT YOU DO. I have worked on many school/PA projects with this woman and we are certainly friends. I wanted to show my support to her in that way.

IMO, that is the wonderful thing about visitations and funerals/services. It is an opportunity for the bereaved to FEEL the love and support overflowing onto them. I think it is an important part of the grieving process and I am disgusted that your DH would tell his daughter that she need not attend the services. She may not have been close to your mother, but it's not really about that--it's about showing love, support and respect to you during your time of grief. You are her STEPMOTHER. You have been in her life for a long time. Shame on your DH for giving her a "pass" and shame on her for being so abrupt and careless. I think her email was ridiculous and too, like you are some distant co-worker of hers or something.

I am really sorry. :( I am sorry that you've been treated like this, and I am terribly sorry for the loss of your mother. I am glad you were able to be with her until the end (and really I don't believe that was the "end," merely, like you said, her transition!)

(((HUGS))) to you, and please take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you, hon.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2009 at 1:01PM
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Gerina, I'm really sorry about your Mom. I hope you remember all of the good things and the good times you had together!!!

Too bad your DH told your SD that she didn't have to come to your Mom's funeral. It would be understandable if she lived far away but if she lives close by and she is 25 years-old, you would think she could come. I think one other thing that's kind of weird with your DH and your SD, why did he email her about your Mom and not call her? Do they have a strained relationship? I know with my SD's, DH is always like "just text them" or "just email them" because we have a hard time with them and communication is strained.

I think your Best Friend is right though, just let it go and focus on getting thru the next few days for your Mom.
We lost my Dad to cancer 12 years ago and no one else understood when I was comfortable with letting him go. It was his time, he was not having fun, and his quality of life was non-existent, so I understand what you mean about your Mom. (((((hugs))))))) to you!!

    Bookmark   December 11, 2009 at 1:29PM
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Geri - I am so sorry for the loss of your mother, but I understand what you mean by relief. My grandmother was in hospice for 9 days. 9 days feels like eternity when someone you love is dying. I got to be with my grandmother when she breathed her last breath. As you said, there was so much love there and it was really a beautiful moment. Me and my 3 girl cousins were sitting in the room talking about when we would spend the night at grandma's together. It was sort of like our last sleepover with grandma. Really awesome and I thank God he let me be a part of it!

I say that if there ever is a time where blowing your stack at your hubby for enabling his's now. You're stressed and your mother just passed away. You have every excuse in the world to expect a little TLC from the people you have devoted your love, time and attention to. I say BLOW UP! Just get it all out!

Maybe after the funeral, though.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2009 at 3:23PM
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Tomorrow closes the week since my mom died and not a peep from SD. Also, DH didn't want to wake her and that's why he sent her the email - they get along just fine.

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 12:27AM
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Oh Gerina,
You are right the whole thing was insensitive, thoughtless & rude.

I wish our spouses could see how always coming in last and never worrying about how stuff life this might uspet us rather than their precious "adult" babies ends up making us bitter & angry towards them. Our mates and supposed soft place to fall. Yea right.

Anyhow, I do hope things went as smoothly as they could during this difficult (to say the last) time. I've been thinking of you. Take care.


    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 4:13PM
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Thanks Cat -

The funeral was today and when I returned home my DH's youngest DD21 came up to me and said that she realized that she should have attended the service. She apologized for staying home and I told her it was fine. I told her that it would have been fine for her to attend as well. She really began crying about it and I told her it everything was good and I gave her a hug. She was very sincere and I truly appreciate her gesture. Geri

    Bookmark   December 14, 2009 at 8:47PM
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That's good Gerina :0)

Good of her to realize. What did your Dh have to say?

I'm glad she came forward to you, sounds like she really though about it & it came from the heart too.


    Bookmark   December 16, 2009 at 9:56PM
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I never did say a thing to DH about his eldest and her lack of manners. I was going to tell him that his youngest was very upset and apolgetic once she realized that she should have attended, but then I figured he would feel that I was comparing his kids. I did mention to SD21 about her sister's response and she even seemed disgusted, but then she said to me, "you know, she's a lot like my mom".

    Bookmark   December 17, 2009 at 12:56PM
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