Finally going to counseling.. this is long
I met a wonderful man and father about four years ago. Our relationship started on four months of long distance and we decided to take the leap and move across the country together. When we first met he had been separated from his wife and children for a year and then finally divorced two weeks prior to us getting together. His divorce/separation was really painful to him and I don't think he has ever gotten over it. His ex-wife was having a relationship with another man for three months during their marriage and she decided to take the kids and move to another state while they were still married. She filed for separation/divorce without discussing it with him and settled herself and the kids in another area far away from him. He has always felt as if his kids were snatched away from him.
Now to explain my situation, I was a single mom going to school and working full time. I wasn't in the market at the time to meet anyone. It just happened. When we met he was a very charismatic, romantic, loving person. He spent time with me and eventually started spending time with my son. As distance became an issue we decided that we both loved each other and couldn't live without each other. His job moved him across the country and he wanted my son and I to be with him. So we moved.
We have faced many issues with our relationship over the last four years and we are finally getting counseling. Both of us have issues with our past that we haven't moved on from and is causing issues with our marriage. We have been together for four years and only married for one. I agree these issues should have been resolved before the marriage commitment but we can't go back in time now. It's time to move forward. Now to the major issues...
One, I can't trust my husband around his ex-wife because they had an affair with each other at the beginning of our relationship (after the divorce was finalized) while my son and I were living in his home. I didn't find out the entire truth about the affair until the following summer when his children mentioned some shocking news while he was away on a business trip.
Second, my husband admitted that he has never built a relationship with my son (2 years old when we moved and now 6) because he felt guilty for not having that time with his own son. This issue has been going on for quite some time and it is hurtful to know that my husband can't love my son. I know he won't ever have the love that he has for his own son but I would at least like for him to love him as a wonderful gift to his life. My husband gets annoyed by my son when he is around his own kids. He sees him as a bother. My son doesn't get the interaction from my husband that he needs and deserves.
Three, I feel as my son and I are on the back burner in his life. First priority is his job, second is his children, and then we come after everything else. Neglected is a strong word to use but maybe lonely should take it's place. I feel like I do everything I can to show my appreciation for the things my husband has given us but I don't get anything in return. One of my husbands complaints is that he doesn't feel loved by me. I have gotten to the point in our relationship where I can't get through to him unless I point our his mistakes. I'm tired of attacking him. I'm tired of trying to prove to him what he is doing wrong. I just want to be loved by him again. I want him to want to build a relationship with my son. My son has called him daddy since he was two years old. That is the only man he has known to be daddy in his life but yet he doesn't get that fatherly interaction from him. My husband still resents him.
Now, I'm pregnant with his child and I'm scared to death that this relationship with end terribly if we don't get these issues fixed. I'm scared that I will not only have one child that is pushed aside but two.
My relationship with his children has it's flaws at times but never the less is a great relationship. The kids and I have a great time together and things go wonderful when my husband isn't around. When he is around sides are taken by the kids and I'm invisible to my husband and his kids. My son wants to be included in the fun but always feels like he isn't loved as much as my husbands son. It hurt when my son first told me that. My son is a very articulate young man and lets his emotions known. He will tell you when he is hurt, happy, excited, sad, or lonely. He just wants that equal opportunity like my step-children have had.
I'm just lost in my life right now! We have been to one session of counseling and hoping to go to another one soon. My husband just needs to find time away from work to pencil it in his schedule. I'm just tired of feeling like last string.