Do kids get in the way of love?

antoinette91080December 3, 2009

I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for over 4yrs now. He lives in the states and I live in an asian country. Now, how we've met was just through online. We planned nothing to be more than just friends but because of constant good communication, etc. we developed into something more. He is 35 and I'm 26, but to us, age is just a number.

Anyways...In those two years that we've been chatting, he told me he didn't have any children or wasn't in a relationship. But on the day that he was supposed to be leaving to come visit me, he told me, "Sorry baby, I can't just throw 16yrs away and my 4 kids!" I felt like the whole world collapsed on me! I already told myself that it was over..and then i blurred it out to him "It's over!" All the same time, I couldn't believe what I was saying. I'm usually the type of person who wouldn't let go without a fight. But I did, I was too angry to hear his explanations.

But then the next day, I woke up and saw 72 missed calls and over 100 text messages on my phone, all from him. He thought I had given up on us. And told me that he wasn't married, that he was only in a common-law relationship. He called and then apologized and was crying to not let him go and I could have just hung up right there and then, after all the pain he caused me.

But I wished my heart was made out of stone. I love him. And he said he wants to be with me, because he loves me and he knows what he wants with me. He called and explained that he's been manipulated throughout all the time during his relationship and wasn't happy, that he was trying to save his relationship somehow but it just depressed him more, but he was just thinking of his kids. He talked to me while she was there with him and she could hear our conversation and would cut in through and they would talk back at each other.

I told him, "I don't know if any of this is even real now, and I'll only know what you truly want with me if you got on that plane". An hour later, he called me from the plane and said that he was on his way to see me.

All at the same time on the way to pick him up from the airport the next morning, I was confused but excited at the same time.

When we finally met in person, it's like nothing ever happened. (I know, weird!) We were both very happy and during all the weeks he stayed with me, everyday felt like a honeymoon. He spent his birthday with me, and that made it even more wonderful and memorable for us.

We did get to talk about our issue and the situation and about his kids. I asked him what made him decide to do the move, he said he asked permission from his kids, and asked them if they want to see their dad happy. He said they were sad but told him to come back home right away.

During his stay with me, he would get online to check on his kids from time to time and his "EX" kept giving him baby-mama-drama and money matter issues. He wouldn't talk to her, but he would only reach out to his kids. They are ages 9, 12, 15, and 16. When they would view each other on cam, I let him take his time to talk with them. At the same time I felt guilty, but he explained to me over and over again that we weren't the cause of their breakup. He just then told me that she cheated on him with his so-called friend 5yrs before this all happened. And he said this is why he wanted out of the relationship, he was just always thinking of his children and what they'd go through. He said that he admits and is very sorry that he lied, but he said he was honest with his feelings for me and that not one woman ever came close to him as I made him feel. I was trying to argue with him about it and then he said "If I didn't know what I wanted with you, in the middle of all this chaos, do you think I wouldn't risk myself on that plane and take that leap of hope just to be with you and fight for what I believe in with you?"... I was speechless.

The day he left... I felt as though he took half of me with him. But we both were aware that a lot was going to change.

Now, the reason why I posted my story on this forum, is to give you a wider view from where it started.

Since the day my bf went back, he didn't go back to (where he used to call home but now) his kids home, and is renting an apartment near his work and we continue our communication every spare time he has. I guess I'm very patient with whatever he's up to coz he's so busy with his two jobs and he let's me be in "the know" of everything. Before he left, we agreed that we'll be open and that we'll deal everything together, no matter what. He tells me that he loves me, and only me. And that he's planning to make a way for us to be together, coz he misses me. He only gets to see his kids every Sunday's and spend the day with them till evening and bring them home and he would go back to his apartment and then the usual everyday, we'd talk till he falls out to sleep.

Now it's been a year since that day he left. At some point, I feel uncomfortable that he doesn't want to introduce me to his children or to any member of his family, like his mom or his younger brother. Though his coworkers know about me and him and they say hi every time he talks to me during his breaks or lunch time. But I understand that it takes time for children to adjust, especially in this kinds of situation, where they know that their dad left for a month to be with someone else. Their feelings towards their parents are neutral. Knowing that their mom cheated and their dad has someone new, I could only imagine what they're going through.

I don't have any kids, and this is my first time to be in a long distance relationship and in a relationship with someone with that particular experience. We both come from two different worlds and different cultures and traditions but we love each other and we accept each other and we're counting our days to be together.

Another thing would be, I'm totally clueless on what to expect when we're finally together. How to deal with these matters. But I'm so excited to see his kids and have a good relationship with them. As I once told the kids' mom that I would love them as my own and that they're completely innocent.. she didn't take it well, which was ideal. She hated me and said she wished she could kill me... we haven't talked since then. But I don't care. All that matters to me is the love of my life and his kids and I have no problem with making them happy but I don't know if they'll accept me or how we would even begin. I guess this is the part where I'd say "Help!?" ... I need your advise.

I'd gratefully appreciate it very much, many thanks.

Antoinette =)

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My advice is to get out of this long distance relationship. I was once with a man who lied in the beginning about having children. Then one day he confessed to having children! I was shocked. Well I should have run because he lied about so many things throughout our relationship.

This guy has lied to you. He has 4 children who will probably not accept you....they are older and I am sure they do not want to see their father with someone else...especially someone so young. His ex wife does not like you and will probably continue to make trouble for you.

Someone with 4 children is going to have a lot of child support to pay, and perhaps alimony and/or maintenance to an ex. Many men with that many children can not even afford to support themselves after the divorce! And if you want to have children of your own someday this might not be an ideal situation for you.

Is he going to leave his children and move near you? Are you going to leave your family and life to move near him and be isolated?

You spent a few weeks with this man, there is no way to really know someone that way. Talking on the phone is a lot different than seeing someone all the time.

You are young, do not do this to yourself! Find someone who does not come with so much baggage!

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 2:38PM
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My guess is this guy really hasn't ever left his wife. I'm trying to figure out why you would even have spoken to his wife in the first place if he moved into his own apartment (which I highly doubt) about a year ago. There would be no reason for you to have any contact with her.

He has already proved to you that he is untrustworthy about MAJOR things in his life. He's a liar, plain and simple. Why do you believe ANYTHING that comes out of his mouth now?

He is stringy you along sweetie, move on...

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 3:10PM
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why would you want to be in this relationship at all? none of this makes any sense, he lives far away, you saw him once and you love him? do you just want to move to states? otherwise why don't you date local men? why would you correspond wiht a married man with 4 children who lives far away and you do not know him at all?

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 4:17PM
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Many years ago I dated a man who told me he had been married and divorced twice. I accepted this. As the relationship went on he told me he had a daughter and showed me a picture of a very pretty girl. OK.

Our relationship, also long distance but not as far as yours, LA to Boston progressed. Unlike yours we saw each other relatively frequently for such a long distance, about a couple of times a month. Even that wasn't really a lot but at least we did see each other. We talked on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day.

We became engaged. He came out for a couple of weeks over the holidays, gave me a ring and we started making wedding plans. I went to Boston and over dinner he sprung two big things, first, that he had been married and divorced THREE times, not just two and that he had very restrictive visitation with his daughter. I soon learned that his 2nd ex-wife had a restraining order against him because he had been violent and had threatened her. Other things soon came out as well like a former gambling problem. Had we lived in the same city most of that would have come to light much earlier. Before long, I broke it off because he had lied, by ommission, about so many things. Who knows what else would have come out after marriage?

Long distance relationships are tough because so much is built on trust and there is more than a dash of fantasy to them as well. This man has already told you a wagonload of lies. Big Ones. Thank your lucky stars and move on. This isn't about his kids, at least the four you know about! This is about him.

    Bookmark   December 3, 2009 at 8:53PM
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Not if its "real love" they enhance it. :)

    Bookmark   December 4, 2009 at 11:37AM
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I think you're asking the wrong question.

The question should be
"When a lying cheating manipulative b@$t####s inspires my love & treats me badly, should I believe that my unhappiness is caused by his children, as he says it is, or should I blame the lying cheating etc himself?"

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 5, 2009 at 2:10PM
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This has got to be one of the most f*cked up things I've ever read. I can't believe people are actually entertaining you and your situation with "advice".

Those kids are NEVER going to accept you. Their father picks up and leaves them for what was it a month? To another continent leaving them sitting their holding the bag while you two get to know each other? And their mother is giving you/him "baby-mamma-drama"? WTF? And you "LET" him take his time talking to his kids via a computer across the ocean? Wherever it is you live don't they teach you morals & values? RIGHT FROM WRONG???? Clearly this guy you're pining away for is a complete loser too.

What is wrong with you? Without a doubt these kids are permanently messed up because I can only imagine what more there is to this story.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 6:48AM
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"I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for over 4yrs now."

"Anyways...In those two years that we've been chatting"

"Now it's been a year since that day he left."

Okay, maybe I'm missing something but the timeline you provide does NOT make any sense. I guess it doesn't really matter.... you asked for advise?

If you enjoy being cheated on, continue what you are doing. He is a cheater and my guess is you are not in a long distance relationship... you are one of his other women, I assure you he has more... I highly doubt he is so busy because he works two jobs. That's a great excuse to give someone in another country that he's stringing along. You are being kept available for when he gets bored or wants to have his fun with you. Don't hold your breath for a REAL relationship, especially with his kids. It takes a lot of nerve to tell the mother of his children that you would love them like your own... whatever the situation was, it obviously was not over when he added you to the mix. The kids will resent you either way, their mother already does. All you really know is what he tells you and he's already proven himself a liar. I would doubt ANYTHING he says.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 11:11AM
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He's manipulating you. Yes, kids get in the way of love. They also add more love than you could ever imagine. They are little pesky balls of love. But this isn't about the kids. I would NEVER trust a man who told me he had no kids when he really did. That is really really scary. People who pretend their kids or wife/common law or not don't exist are the kind of people who end up killing their wife or kids so they really don't exist.

You may think you love him. You may really love him. He may think he loves you. But a person who does not put their (young) children first is not a good person to marry.

I don't care about the age. Once you're over 25, I don't think it really matters that much. It's the lies that get me.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 3:51PM
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"People who pretend their kids or wife/common law or not don't exist are the kind of people who end up killing their wife or kids so they really don't exist."

Silver, that was the thought I had reading this...

In a highly publicized case that happened near where I live, Scott Peterson started a relationship about 4 hours from where he and his wife lived. He thought he could keep them separate.. his wife was pregnant with their first child. He told his girlfriend that his wife had died... BEFORE she went missing. She disappeared Christmas eve while he was supposedly fishing in SF bay... where her & her unborn baby's bodies were later found. While he was at a candlelight vigil for his wife, he was on the cell phone telling his girlfriend he was in Paris at a party.

If the media had not picked up the case and if it had not gone national, the girlfriend may never had known. He was convicted and sentenced to death.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 4:26PM
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good catch silversword!

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 5:53PM
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Ima, for some reason I often think about the Petersons. Lacy (sp?) had the most beautiful smile and she literally glowed in her pregnancy pictures. I cried when they found the baby in the bay and the newspapers said that his remains were relatively intact because Lacy's body continued to try to keep him safe, even in death... I think his name was supposed to be Connor. And now I'm crying again :(

    Bookmark   December 18, 2009 at 9:28PM
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