Do kids get in the way of love?
I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for over 4yrs now. He lives in the states and I live in an asian country. Now, how we've met was just through online. We planned nothing to be more than just friends but because of constant good communication, etc. we developed into something more. He is 35 and I'm 26, but to us, age is just a number.
Anyways...In those two years that we've been chatting, he told me he didn't have any children or wasn't in a relationship. But on the day that he was supposed to be leaving to come visit me, he told me, "Sorry baby, I can't just throw 16yrs away and my 4 kids!" I felt like the whole world collapsed on me! I already told myself that it was over..and then i blurred it out to him "It's over!" All the same time, I couldn't believe what I was saying. I'm usually the type of person who wouldn't let go without a fight. But I did, I was too angry to hear his explanations.
But then the next day, I woke up and saw 72 missed calls and over 100 text messages on my phone, all from him. He thought I had given up on us. And told me that he wasn't married, that he was only in a common-law relationship. He called and then apologized and was crying to not let him go and I could have just hung up right there and then, after all the pain he caused me.
But I wished my heart was made out of stone. I love him. And he said he wants to be with me, because he loves me and he knows what he wants with me. He called and explained that he's been manipulated throughout all the time during his relationship and wasn't happy, that he was trying to save his relationship somehow but it just depressed him more, but he was just thinking of his kids. He talked to me while she was there with him and she could hear our conversation and would cut in through and they would talk back at each other.
I told him, "I don't know if any of this is even real now, and I'll only know what you truly want with me if you got on that plane". An hour later, he called me from the plane and said that he was on his way to see me.
All at the same time on the way to pick him up from the airport the next morning, I was confused but excited at the same time.
When we finally met in person, it's like nothing ever happened. (I know, weird!) We were both very happy and during all the weeks he stayed with me, everyday felt like a honeymoon. He spent his birthday with me, and that made it even more wonderful and memorable for us.
We did get to talk about our issue and the situation and about his kids. I asked him what made him decide to do the move, he said he asked permission from his kids, and asked them if they want to see their dad happy. He said they were sad but told him to come back home right away.
During his stay with me, he would get online to check on his kids from time to time and his "EX" kept giving him baby-mama-drama and money matter issues. He wouldn't talk to her, but he would only reach out to his kids. They are ages 9, 12, 15, and 16. When they would view each other on cam, I let him take his time to talk with them. At the same time I felt guilty, but he explained to me over and over again that we weren't the cause of their breakup. He just then told me that she cheated on him with his so-called friend 5yrs before this all happened. And he said this is why he wanted out of the relationship, he was just always thinking of his children and what they'd go through. He said that he admits and is very sorry that he lied, but he said he was honest with his feelings for me and that not one woman ever came close to him as I made him feel. I was trying to argue with him about it and then he said "If I didn't know what I wanted with you, in the middle of all this chaos, do you think I wouldn't risk myself on that plane and take that leap of hope just to be with you and fight for what I believe in with you?"... I was speechless.
The day he left... I felt as though he took half of me with him. But we both were aware that a lot was going to change.
Now, the reason why I posted my story on this forum, is to give you a wider view from where it started.
Since the day my bf went back, he didn't go back to (where he used to call home but now) his kids home, and is renting an apartment near his work and we continue our communication every spare time he has. I guess I'm very patient with whatever he's up to coz he's so busy with his two jobs and he let's me be in "the know" of everything. Before he left, we agreed that we'll be open and that we'll deal everything together, no matter what. He tells me that he loves me, and only me. And that he's planning to make a way for us to be together, coz he misses me. He only gets to see his kids every Sunday's and spend the day with them till evening and bring them home and he would go back to his apartment and then the usual everyday, we'd talk till he falls out to sleep.
Now it's been a year since that day he left. At some point, I feel uncomfortable that he doesn't want to introduce me to his children or to any member of his family, like his mom or his younger brother. Though his coworkers know about me and him and they say hi every time he talks to me during his breaks or lunch time. But I understand that it takes time for children to adjust, especially in this kinds of situation, where they know that their dad left for a month to be with someone else. Their feelings towards their parents are neutral. Knowing that their mom cheated and their dad has someone new, I could only imagine what they're going through.
I don't have any kids, and this is my first time to be in a long distance relationship and in a relationship with someone with that particular experience. We both come from two different worlds and different cultures and traditions but we love each other and we accept each other and we're counting our days to be together.
Another thing would be, I'm totally clueless on what to expect when we're finally together. How to deal with these matters. But I'm so excited to see his kids and have a good relationship with them. As I once told the kids' mom that I would love them as my own and that they're completely innocent.. she didn't take it well, which was ideal. She hated me and said she wished she could kill me... we haven't talked since then. But I don't care. All that matters to me is the love of my life and his kids and I have no problem with making them happy but I don't know if they'll accept me or how we would even begin. I guess this is the part where I'd say "Help!?" ... I need your advise.
I'd gratefully appreciate it very much, many thanks.