I think SD has decided 'It's ON!'

imamommyDecember 9, 2011

Shw wants me gone... out of her dad's life. It's taking it's toll on our marriage... and she knows it.

She came back last Sunday and all week had walked around with a smug attitude. I don't know what they talked about on the way home from her mom, but when he got home he was upset with me & threatened to leave me. Of course, I don't want him to stay if he doesn't want to be there so I told him to do what he needs to do. We didn't really talk about WHY he was upset other than he complained about my son being there & the house isn't as clean as he wants it to be (he's a bit OCD, I am cluttery) and then he said that I am horribly mean to SD. Ding Ding Ding... there's the reason. I know for some time that DH feels torn because of the problems between me & SD. She told him that she is afraid of me, afraid to come out of her room & afraid to do anything because I will yell at her. What he sees, I guess it seems true because he knows I don't like to be around her. She doesn't like to come out of her room when I'm around... it's unpleasant for BOTH of us. I do not yell at her but if I say ANYTHING to her, she perceives it as me yelling at her. Her chores are to take out the trash & feed the cats. Last week, she left to school & was going to her mom's for the weekend & on the way to the bus stop, I asked if she fed the cats. She said no. I asked why not? She said because she was eating her breakfast. I asked who is going to feed them? She said her daddy will do it. I asked if she told him she didn't feed them so he knows to feed them? She said no. So I asked, "how is he supposed to know since it's your job, he probably thinks you are going to feed them so why would he feed them?" She shrugged. Nothing else was said and I didn't yell at her but she perceives this as me yelling at her or jumping all over her. (at least this is what she reports to people as me yelling at her). For this reason, I am happy to NOT talk to her at all since anything I do say is perceived how she wants to see it.

But then she rode the bus on Monday but on Tuesday after school, she calls me from the school to say they won't let her ride the bus & I need to pick her up. I tell her to call her dad, I'm at work. She says her dad won't answer his phone. I call DH & ask why won't you answer the phone for SD? He says she hasn't called him at all... he's on lunch break & would answer it, just like he did for me. So, then he says SD is now calling him & he takes her call. He asks me to go get her so, reluctantly I go since he is an hour away & can't leave work. **this was during the time where he & I are discussing possible separation... he had told me he was moving out** so I am wondering why should I do him any favors? I was irritated with SD because I know she had to have been told payment was due but she didn't tell him. That night, he paid it online & she told him that she can't ride in the morning either, so I have to drive her to school in the morning. He was going to take her because he knew I was annoyed by it but then he wanted me to take DGS to daycare, which he normally does. So, I went ahead & said I would take SD so he can take DGS as it worked better for our schedules that way. Anyway, I called the transportation department and asked why we weren't given any notice that SD was going to get booted off the bus. They said her bus pass expired November 4 (over a month ago) and she has been given several color coded notices and reminders as well as verbal reminders that it's overdue & she would not be able to ride the bus if it isn't paid. (which after raising 6 kids in the school system, I thought it soundes wrong that they would kick her off the bus with no notice as she claimed) So, I ask her where the notices are & she is going to stick to her story that nobody said anything at all to her until they said she can't ride the bus anymore the day before. I wasn't going to argue with her because I really don't care. I was annoyed that I'm having to drive her but getting angry was not going to change that so I said, "whatever". Then she srarted almost pleading "I'm not LYING!" and I shrugged & said I don't care if you are or not. I don't really want to hear it.

On Wednesday, DH and I spent the evening talking finally. We went out to dinner, away from the kids & discussed a lot of things and decided to work together on solutions. He is completely frustrated with the way things are. I know he hates being in the middle with SD crying to him how horrible I am and then he knows I don't want to be around her... and he knows why and agrees that she shouldn't treat me the way she does but then says he can't do anything about it... he can't MAKE her like me or be nice. I disagree because he can make her be respectful. I am teaching DGS to say please, thank you, good morning, good night, and general courtesy. He has to ask nicely if he wants something. SD doesn't seem to have ever gotten that memo.

Well DH bought a TV for SD to use after school at my work. We moved her from sitting in front of me in the office to a spot in the warehouse where she can do her homework & DH told her if her grades were at least a C, we'd put a TV down there. So, the first three weeks, SD had an F & D, but she brought them up to a D & C so he was going to let her have the TV. Since he is only there on weekends, he asked me to set it up for her. I told him that I will set it up for her when SHE asks me... he should not be doing the asking. So, he told her she can use the TV if she asks me to set it up for her. Well, after school she comes into the office & tells me "um, my dad said I can watch TV & you know where it's at." and turned around and left. I sat there, a little stunned & in disbelief ~I don't know why is surprised me at all~ and I told DH what she just said. He agreed with me and kinda made an excuse that she just doesn't know how to think for herself. I disagreed and went into the warehouse & told SD that she needs to ASK me, not just tell me what her dad said. She kinda stared at me w/a deer in the headlight look... almost confused at what I was saying to her. Then I said when you are ready to ask properly, I'll be in the office. She mummbled ok. About ten minutes later, she came in and said [with a bit of reluctant attitude] "can I watch the TV?" and I asked if that's the best she can do? So, she cracked a smile & said (in a more pleasant tone) "Can I PLEASE use the TV?" so I went & set it up. It may sound ridiculous but when she cracked a smile, it was the first time in months that I have felt some kindness toward her. It was a split second of no attitude & a small amount of humbleness. She still isn't talking to me but she did walk down the hall at bedtime (out of her way) to find me & say goodnight. That is an improvement from mummbling it with an attitude like she has been for the last several weeks.

I want to believe she is "seeing the light" and might be on the track to being pleasant to be around... however it could be another manipulation. I mean, when DH and I were on the verge of splitting up a few days ago... she was all smug & full of attitude. So much that others commented to me about it. I think she either sensed or knew we were close to separating but after DH & I unite, now she's going to start playing nice? I know she might be playing nice because it's almost Christmas & I've been doing a lot of shopping but DH doesn't shop... he got the laptop but that isn't a gift for her. He got her the MP3 but that's all he's bought to give her under the tree. I've gotten her two things. So, I wonder if that's why she has shifted her attitude... not much, she still hardly talks but she has been less unpleasant to be around. That's one theory but I wonder more if she is plotting her next move to get rid of me. She is going to be with us for Christmas & DH mentioned that we may be going over to MIL's house.... and the last time MIL was around me, she stormed out of my 4th of July party because SD feigned being afraid to ask her dad if she can sit by him so she can eat the food that MIL and BM's mother had fixed SD when SD cried her eyes out because I had said "didn't you just eat?" because DH had bought her Subway an hour before the BBQ and she had jumped at the front of the line at the BBQ... so she perceived that to be me telling her she can't eat. MIL was pissed already, because a couple of weeks before that, her other son (BIL) had walked off the job because he didn't want my daughter telling him what to do. I had given BIL a job because he was losing his house & couldn't find work so DH wanted to help him out. My DD is my delivery driver & he was hired to help her... so she was in charge but he didn't like a woman (or girl) telling him what to do. I let him go... I didn't fire him, he quit but I didn't stop him or say anything BECAUSE he's family... but MIL was already mad at me becasue somehow it was MY fault. She was also mad at my daughter. So, when SD cried that I wno't let her eat & BM's mom came to pick her up & she cried to BM's mom & both grandma's stood guard while SD made a plate & then SD cried to MIL that she wanted to sit by daddy but was afraid to ask him so she went & asked him. After SD left with her other grandma, MIL made a few pissy statements under her breath & said "I'm not staying here another minute!" and stormed out. I haven't heard from or talked to her since July 4. Now, DH is talking about Christmas and making it sound as if he isn't going, even though the only reason MIL was having people over for Christmas is because I asked DH if they are planning anything because we are not & I wanted to know if he planned to see his parents on Christmas at all. He called MIL to ask & I guess she said they would but now DH is saying we probably won't go because BIL/SIL will be there with SIL's parents and that's too many people for MIL to entertain. Huh? Whatever! I'd be happy to not go but it really makes me wonder what they have talked about... if it has anything to do with his decision to threaten moving out? And wonder what will happen after SD spends a day with MIL.... we are supposed to go out of town next weekend & SD will be with MIL while we are gone. I'm sorta dreading what may happen then, but I have accepted that SD will probably say something to MIL to get her mad at me and MIL will probably stir it up and tell DH... and it will be okay if DH and I are united & he sticks up for me. But, it can go the other way too.

I'm just so TIRED. This year, both of my parents have been diagnosed with Cancer. Dad had surgery & is ok. Mom will start chemo soon & her doctor hasn't given a great prognosis... my son is coming home this month & that should be a happy occasion but it is becoming stressful for me because his wife (DIL) is now saying she is moving back to this area so she can share 50/50 custody of DGS with him which is BS because she hasn't exercised much visitation in the two years I've had him but now that my son is coming back... now it's important? And my son has the idea that he will come back & instantly take over as full time parent to a child he has seen twice in the last two years... and move him over an hour away from here. I want my son to take over his son and be the parent, but he doesn't seem to understand DGS has bonded with us & is now stable... he thinks it's no big deal to take him to where his dad lives and pass him around to his dad's side of the family to anyone that can help take care of DGS. I don't think that's a good idea and since I have guardianship, I can flex that muscle.... but I don't want to get into a custody battle with my son at a time when we should be celebarating his safe return. Plus, he moved a girl into his house in Georgia but doesn't know yet if he is bringing her back to CA when he comes home. I hate not knowing what is happening in my life and there is so much uncertainty right now that it's driving me crazy. I'm trying not to worry about what SD may be up to because I've gotten to the point that if DH buys into her crap, he can go... one less thing for me to stress out about. She may win this one... finally.

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Jeez, Ima, that's a lot on your plate!
And here I was going to whine that SS has had a pissy attitude towards me all week but won't discuss why... I have better perspective now.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2011 at 9:15PM
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Imma - goodness, that's a lot on your plate.

I'm sorry you're going through all this.

I don't know your entire backstory so there's only thing I would say, while I know it was inconvenient for DH to pick up SD because he couldn't leave work and he's an hour away, what would he do if you weren't around? He'd have to figure out something right? I mean, it's not like you're getting the respect you deserve. Maybe if you weren't there to save SD from her irresponsibility all the time she'd learn better.

I suppose you've been given this advice before though, a lot easier said than done, I'm sure.

Yeah, I'm thinking SD is playing nice because it's almost Christmas, thinking she'll get some good presents. I would trust her about as far as I can throw her.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2011 at 9:46PM
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I had hoped your SD would act/behave like mine for a couple weeks anyway ...

If you do go to MIL's and she starts her Bull ... just excuse yourself and go home and enjoy the rest of the SD free ... leave hubby and his family to spoil SD ... I have walked out once from a family event.

Sorry you are going through all this at this time of year ... seems like its coming to head ... and will be lots of decisions coming your way ...

If hubby throws out the separation card again ... wake up the next morning and pretend he is not there ... let him do it all for his DD he will figure it out sooner or later .... take your GS to daycare as if he weren't there and do for yourself. ...

I packed my stuff and left for a couple days the end Sept ..after a rather heated battle with SD... I came back for a couple days then left for a vacation for 10 days the first week in oct...with out him. I came home to a different father ... realized his children treat him like dirt whether I am here or not ...and he has since started parenting differently ... so not sure if that why SD is behaving differently ... but at this point he knows he needs to parent them or lose me .... so he has a choice. :) he's choosing to parent them.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2011 at 1:22AM
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--"I'm just so TIRED"--

And you have every right to be, the mental and phyiscal stress has got to be taking it's toll. So many people depend on you and are taking advantage of you. You give and give and give some more and all you're getting in return is BS. From to SD, the MIL, the DH, your children and on it goes. They all want Ima to do and be.

'House isn't as clean as he wants it to be'? Hello! You work fulltime plus, are raising a toddler, you have a housefull of people who are not helpless (including HIM) and your house is currently a battle zone that you can't even feel relaxed and secure in. Yet YOU don't keep the house clean enough to suit him?

When I was growing up at home my sister and I cooked the evening meal (7th grade for me, 9th grade for my sister). We all (Dad/Mom and us girls) all cleaned. Dad picked up and did dishwasher during the day and the ladies spent every Saturday morning doing the heavy housework (bathrooms, windows blah blah). Rule of the home was 'if you make a mess, you clean your mess'. My mother would walk in the door in the evenings at 6pm or so , Dad and us girls had been home for 3 hours already...there was no reason for us to expect our mother should be our maid and servant. My suggestion to you on the house load is to have a sit down and assign duties. It's not optional, everyone must make their contribution to making your house a home.

I'm surprised the school (or bus company that does the school transportation) did not directly call Dh long ago about the need of additional funds. Or here's a thought, Dh could have paid more attention, he knows when he last paid or should know. Now that it's paid up, let the SD ride the bus morning and evening. Hell would freeze over before I hauled a kid around that treated me like crap. And as said above, take GS yourself and leave off the ability of Dh to do the 'I took GS to blah blah'. Gs is your responsibilty, SD is his. Even if it's easier for one or the other to have done it, I think it will be one less thing to feel resent over and therefore in the end, be worth the inconvenience.

The oldest son returning (I'm so glad he has returned safe and I thank him for his service to his country!) needs a reality check on what life for GS has been like during his absence. The GS is stable, secure and bonded. GS knows nor remembers any other home but yours. It can't be rushed. When DS gets 'home' he needs to think of the child and how it all will be for GS. While it's natural for DS to return and want to take his son, he must take it slow and re-introduce himself into his son's life. Visitations and a gradual shift would be in the child's best interest. The child will adjust and welcome the gentleman back into the rightful place as 'father'... but if DS rushes this he will tear this child's young life up. DS needs to realize picking up his son after such a long absence is not like retrieving his auto from storage. He can't just stick the keys in and away he goes. The child is a living being who deserves an adjustment period and a chance to make the transition in a realistic manner. Having the responsibilty and expense of a toddler along with all a child's physical and emotional needs is not something that will be easy for DS as the child barely knows who DS is and GS will be confused and upset. GS will feel ripped from his 'home' and no no clue why and where his 'home' and 'family' are. If DS wants what is best for his child, DS will put the child before DS's desire to instantly retain his son...it's not about a custody battle nor who is parents are, it's about a little boy who never asked to be put in the situation he is and now must adapt to. I would not hesitate to request DS take a 'parenting' class, set up a visitaion schedule, have some trial runs before taking on his son fulltime.

Hugs to you, Ima.

And as a side note...you might consider spending Christmas with your father and his new GF (she thoughtfully removed herself from Thanksgiving) and leave all the family drama of the MIL to your DH. Dh can decide what if anything he does about his mother. And no, don't make it about anything other than you want to spent your holiday (perhaps one of your last few) with people who you love and feel loved by, stressfree and happy...even if for one day. You intend to think about yourself and your feelings, nneds and desires. He can decide for himself where he choses to spend the day and there will be no hard feelings on your part if SD and he go to MIL's. Even if you decide to do nothing more than spend your day at home and play Santa and then toddler fun all day...spend the day in a way that is healthy and enjoyable for you. It's 'ok' to stop and put yourself and your own needs first ...you've given and given and given. Time to put Ima first for a change and stop trying to please the unpleasable.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2011 at 8:17AM
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I love what Justmetoo said about DGS's adjustment to his dad's return. She's totally bang-on.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2011 at 9:24PM
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Well, so far things are better... I had a talk with DH that seems to have opened his eyes a bit. I explained that I have so many other things on my mind, the housework & even SD's attitude are low on my priority list. I told him that I am fine with her attitude & not liking me, but I'm not fine with having someone give me an ultimatum when we are supposed to be partners.

I'm not going to let SD be on of our "issues". She does not have to like me but I also explained to him that it goes both ways, I don't have to DO things for her so when she says I'm being "mean" to her, it's just HER perception because I'm not offering to do things for her nor giving it any energy when she wants/needs things. She has a play this week & needs a costume. She started whining to DH last week about it and he has said several times he doesn't know what to do about it because she hasn't told him what KIND of costume she needs. Normally, I would jump in (because it's a mommy thing to do) and find out from the teacher what she needs & get it for her. Instead, I have let HIM handle it. I have not said a word and when he asked me what he should do, I could only tell him that I think he should put as much energy into seeing that she does her homework & study for her tests as he does in finding her a costume. She has a D in PE because she took a 0 last week. She got an F on her report for the play she is in. Personally, I don't agree with the way the school gives points & grades... her math teacher gave 20 points for kids that brought food in for the canned food drive. Really? Of course, I am mean Ima & said no when she asked if she can take canned food to school. I donate directily to the food bank so why give her extra credit points when she's not doing her homework? Anyway, the only input I would give on the play costume is that it's HIS thing because SD isn't talking to me and I think she should worry so much about the rest of her grades as she is about the costume. He agreed.

I won't do anything for her... except driving her to her bus stop. I agree Amber that if I weren't around, he would have to leave work or figure it out. The other option would be to have him get his mom (who doesn't work & is on SD's sied against mean Ima) go pick her up, which if fine with me but SHE says she's too busy all the time so DH doesn't want to ask her. She will do it, but then piss & moan about why can't Ima do it? That's just another headache for me that I don't want/need. But, I agree it's not MY problem.

"I had hoped your SD would act/behave like mine for a couple weeks anyway ..."

It would be nice for her to be pleasant & she has been... in her way. She came home from BM's last night, cheerfully said "HI!" to me and I said Hi. Then she went in her room, got ready for bed & came out to say goodnight to DH & said goodnight to me. Then this morning, back to not talking to me. I don't know if she sincerely wants to be nice or if she is forcing herself. I get the feeling that she throws out a nice, friendly hello or thank you so when she is crying about how mean I am to her, she can say she TRIES to be nice to me. I don't know? It's not very consistent or sincere so I don't know what to make of it. I am friendly when she is friendly, I ignore her when she ignores me. I don't go out of my way to kiss her @$$ so she will like me because I think if she wants to like me, she would be sincere and not use me to get attention from everyone by making me the villain while she is my victim. I did tell DH that when she thinks I'm being mean to her, it's just me treating her the way she treats me... and he can tell her that. (and if HE ever thinks I'm being mean to her... he needs to come talk to me about it & not jump on me based on what SHE tells him) As for her being nice to me for a couple of weeks, I prefer her to be sincere. If she is going to fake being nice just to get something from me... and then go back to backstabbing me, I'd rather not have two weeks of fake BFF niceness from her. But, I will take cordial pleasantness, fake or real. Unfortunately for her, until she proves sincerity, I just assume it's fake. That makes me sad but it's the way it is.

As for my son and DIL, I know everything JMT said is true & that's why it's upsetting to me. Realistically, I may be worrying over nothing. My DS came home for the holidays two years ago & I backed off to let him take care of his son for the two weeks he was here. It was too much for him then & the baby was only 21 months old. DIL has had the opportunity to spend more time with DGS than she has but has made excuses... has to work, wants to go out, etc. and in the last 6 months, I have provided the majority of transportation for her... taking DGS to see her and picking him up. Even then, she complained that I was an hour late picking him up after she hadn't seen him for a month. Then she went 6 weeks without seeing him and has seen him ONE time since getting out of rehab three weeks ago. I am taking him to see her this next weekend because we are going to a party near where she lives. Otherwise, I don't think she would see him. Those are not the actions of someone that wants 50% shared custody. When I visited my son in March, he said how he missed DGS before & was going to miss him more when we were leaving. I asked him if he wants to keep him & he said it was too much for him. He didn't think he could handle it by himself. So, realisticaly I don't know how serious he is about taking over full time. I would be happy to have him take a few days a week when he returns but leave him "living" in my home where he is stable... at least until he (my son) adjusts and is able to handle full time. It has to be a transition for DGS sake and my worry is more about DIL wanting to move back to the area when my son comes home. They are like oil & water. Separate, I get along good with both of them but when they get together, DIL goes psycho. She gets jealous, insecure, & starts fights... then plays victim. She has been arrested for domestic violence on him a few times but the DA never ressed charges. She claims she is the victim. They need to stay away from each other & my only job is going to be to keep DGS from being pulled into the middle of it & have him be the pawn they use to hurt each other.

My mom went to Stanford for a second opinion. They did a CT scan & told her she has 5 cancerous lesions on the surface of her liver. The prognosis was more positive than her first doctor gave her. I guess her first doctor didn't spend much time explaining it to her so she didn't have a lot of confidence and was stressing out.

and for holiday plans. So far, DH hasn't said anything about going to his parents at all. I'm not going to worry about it. I bought them a gift & will drop it off to them if they don't invite us over... or will send with him if they don't invite ME over. He is free to go without me. :)

My niece is getting married on Christmas Eve on our property so I will probably be helping with that as well. My dad is planning to take his lady friend (he doesn't call her a GF) to dinner on Christmas day. She is spending the morning with her kids. I plan to stay home & spend the day playing with DGS unless DH wants me to go with him to his parents. It would be more pleasant to stay home than spend the day with MIL but I also don't want to put DH in a position of having to explain my absence... unless I go visit my mom. Honestly, they don't care to see me but would talk crap to DH if I don't go. LOL, they will probably talk crap whether I go or not.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2011 at 2:11PM
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You should just go spend the time with your mom and just forget your DH's hot mess of a family. Go enjoy your Christmas with DGS & Mom, those are times you'll never regret.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2011 at 3:45AM
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That's good you're letting DH handle his daughter - she needs to feel the consequences of her actions. It's the only way she will learn, if she has that ability. Don't LET it be your problem, because it's not.

Regarding your DH's family - it sounds like you're darned if you do, darned if you don't, so you might as well do what you darn well please! :) I agree with Cat - enjoy the holidays with your mom and DGS, don't worry about what your DH's family thinks.

    Bookmark   December 13, 2011 at 8:31AM
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