I think SD has decided 'It's ON!'
Shw wants me gone... out of her dad's life. It's taking it's toll on our marriage... and she knows it.
She came back last Sunday and all week had walked around with a smug attitude. I don't know what they talked about on the way home from her mom, but when he got home he was upset with me & threatened to leave me. Of course, I don't want him to stay if he doesn't want to be there so I told him to do what he needs to do. We didn't really talk about WHY he was upset other than he complained about my son being there & the house isn't as clean as he wants it to be (he's a bit OCD, I am cluttery) and then he said that I am horribly mean to SD. Ding Ding Ding... there's the reason. I know for some time that DH feels torn because of the problems between me & SD. She told him that she is afraid of me, afraid to come out of her room & afraid to do anything because I will yell at her. What he sees, I guess it seems true because he knows I don't like to be around her. She doesn't like to come out of her room when I'm around... it's unpleasant for BOTH of us. I do not yell at her but if I say ANYTHING to her, she perceives it as me yelling at her. Her chores are to take out the trash & feed the cats. Last week, she left to school & was going to her mom's for the weekend & on the way to the bus stop, I asked if she fed the cats. She said no. I asked why not? She said because she was eating her breakfast. I asked who is going to feed them? She said her daddy will do it. I asked if she told him she didn't feed them so he knows to feed them? She said no. So I asked, "how is he supposed to know since it's your job, he probably thinks you are going to feed them so why would he feed them?" She shrugged. Nothing else was said and I didn't yell at her but she perceives this as me yelling at her or jumping all over her. (at least this is what she reports to people as me yelling at her). For this reason, I am happy to NOT talk to her at all since anything I do say is perceived how she wants to see it.
But then she rode the bus on Monday but on Tuesday after school, she calls me from the school to say they won't let her ride the bus & I need to pick her up. I tell her to call her dad, I'm at work. She says her dad won't answer his phone. I call DH & ask why won't you answer the phone for SD? He says she hasn't called him at all... he's on lunch break & would answer it, just like he did for me. So, then he says SD is now calling him & he takes her call. He asks me to go get her so, reluctantly I go since he is an hour away & can't leave work. **this was during the time where he & I are discussing possible separation... he had told me he was moving out** so I am wondering why should I do him any favors? I was irritated with SD because I know she had to have been told payment was due but she didn't tell him. That night, he paid it online & she told him that she can't ride in the morning either, so I have to drive her to school in the morning. He was going to take her because he knew I was annoyed by it but then he wanted me to take DGS to daycare, which he normally does. So, I went ahead & said I would take SD so he can take DGS as it worked better for our schedules that way. Anyway, I called the transportation department and asked why we weren't given any notice that SD was going to get booted off the bus. They said her bus pass expired November 4 (over a month ago) and she has been given several color coded notices and reminders as well as verbal reminders that it's overdue & she would not be able to ride the bus if it isn't paid. (which after raising 6 kids in the school system, I thought it soundes wrong that they would kick her off the bus with no notice as she claimed) So, I ask her where the notices are & she is going to stick to her story that nobody said anything at all to her until they said she can't ride the bus anymore the day before. I wasn't going to argue with her because I really don't care. I was annoyed that I'm having to drive her but getting angry was not going to change that so I said, "whatever". Then she srarted almost pleading "I'm not LYING!" and I shrugged & said I don't care if you are or not. I don't really want to hear it.
On Wednesday, DH and I spent the evening talking finally. We went out to dinner, away from the kids & discussed a lot of things and decided to work together on solutions. He is completely frustrated with the way things are. I know he hates being in the middle with SD crying to him how horrible I am and then he knows I don't want to be around her... and he knows why and agrees that she shouldn't treat me the way she does but then says he can't do anything about it... he can't MAKE her like me or be nice. I disagree because he can make her be respectful. I am teaching DGS to say please, thank you, good morning, good night, and general courtesy. He has to ask nicely if he wants something. SD doesn't seem to have ever gotten that memo.
Well DH bought a TV for SD to use after school at my work. We moved her from sitting in front of me in the office to a spot in the warehouse where she can do her homework & DH told her if her grades were at least a C, we'd put a TV down there. So, the first three weeks, SD had an F & D, but she brought them up to a D & C so he was going to let her have the TV. Since he is only there on weekends, he asked me to set it up for her. I told him that I will set it up for her when SHE asks me... he should not be doing the asking. So, he told her she can use the TV if she asks me to set it up for her. Well, after school she comes into the office & tells me "um, my dad said I can watch TV & you know where it's at." and turned around and left. I sat there, a little stunned & in disbelief ~I don't know why is surprised me at all~ and I told DH what she just said. He agreed with me and kinda made an excuse that she just doesn't know how to think for herself. I disagreed and went into the warehouse & told SD that she needs to ASK me, not just tell me what her dad said. She kinda stared at me w/a deer in the headlight look... almost confused at what I was saying to her. Then I said when you are ready to ask properly, I'll be in the office. She mummbled ok. About ten minutes later, she came in and said [with a bit of reluctant attitude] "can I watch the TV?" and I asked if that's the best she can do? So, she cracked a smile & said (in a more pleasant tone) "Can I PLEASE use the TV?" so I went & set it up. It may sound ridiculous but when she cracked a smile, it was the first time in months that I have felt some kindness toward her. It was a split second of no attitude & a small amount of humbleness. She still isn't talking to me but she did walk down the hall at bedtime (out of her way) to find me & say goodnight. That is an improvement from mummbling it with an attitude like she has been for the last several weeks.
I want to believe she is "seeing the light" and might be on the track to being pleasant to be around... however it could be another manipulation. I mean, when DH and I were on the verge of splitting up a few days ago... she was all smug & full of attitude. So much that others commented to me about it. I think she either sensed or knew we were close to separating but after DH & I unite, now she's going to start playing nice? I know she might be playing nice because it's almost Christmas & I've been doing a lot of shopping but DH doesn't shop... he got the laptop but that isn't a gift for her. He got her the MP3 but that's all he's bought to give her under the tree. I've gotten her two things. So, I wonder if that's why she has shifted her attitude... not much, she still hardly talks but she has been less unpleasant to be around. That's one theory but I wonder more if she is plotting her next move to get rid of me. She is going to be with us for Christmas & DH mentioned that we may be going over to MIL's house.... and the last time MIL was around me, she stormed out of my 4th of July party because SD feigned being afraid to ask her dad if she can sit by him so she can eat the food that MIL and BM's mother had fixed SD when SD cried her eyes out because I had said "didn't you just eat?" because DH had bought her Subway an hour before the BBQ and she had jumped at the front of the line at the BBQ... so she perceived that to be me telling her she can't eat. MIL was pissed already, because a couple of weeks before that, her other son (BIL) had walked off the job because he didn't want my daughter telling him what to do. I had given BIL a job because he was losing his house & couldn't find work so DH wanted to help him out. My DD is my delivery driver & he was hired to help her... so she was in charge but he didn't like a woman (or girl) telling him what to do. I let him go... I didn't fire him, he quit but I didn't stop him or say anything BECAUSE he's family... but MIL was already mad at me becasue somehow it was MY fault. She was also mad at my daughter. So, when SD cried that I wno't let her eat & BM's mom came to pick her up & she cried to BM's mom & both grandma's stood guard while SD made a plate & then SD cried to MIL that she wanted to sit by daddy but was afraid to ask him so she went & asked him. After SD left with her other grandma, MIL made a few pissy statements under her breath & said "I'm not staying here another minute!" and stormed out. I haven't heard from or talked to her since July 4. Now, DH is talking about Christmas and making it sound as if he isn't going, even though the only reason MIL was having people over for Christmas is because I asked DH if they are planning anything because we are not & I wanted to know if he planned to see his parents on Christmas at all. He called MIL to ask & I guess she said they would but now DH is saying we probably won't go because BIL/SIL will be there with SIL's parents and that's too many people for MIL to entertain. Huh? Whatever! I'd be happy to not go but it really makes me wonder what they have talked about... if it has anything to do with his decision to threaten moving out? And wonder what will happen after SD spends a day with MIL.... we are supposed to go out of town next weekend & SD will be with MIL while we are gone. I'm sorta dreading what may happen then, but I have accepted that SD will probably say something to MIL to get her mad at me and MIL will probably stir it up and tell DH... and it will be okay if DH and I are united & he sticks up for me. But, it can go the other way too.
I'm just so TIRED. This year, both of my parents have been diagnosed with Cancer. Dad had surgery & is ok. Mom will start chemo soon & her doctor hasn't given a great prognosis... my son is coming home this month & that should be a happy occasion but it is becoming stressful for me because his wife (DIL) is now saying she is moving back to this area so she can share 50/50 custody of DGS with him which is BS because she hasn't exercised much visitation in the two years I've had him but now that my son is coming back... now it's important? And my son has the idea that he will come back & instantly take over as full time parent to a child he has seen twice in the last two years... and move him over an hour away from here. I want my son to take over his son and be the parent, but he doesn't seem to understand DGS has bonded with us & is now stable... he thinks it's no big deal to take him to where his dad lives and pass him around to his dad's side of the family to anyone that can help take care of DGS. I don't think that's a good idea and since I have guardianship, I can flex that muscle.... but I don't want to get into a custody battle with my son at a time when we should be celebarating his safe return. Plus, he moved a girl into his house in Georgia but doesn't know yet if he is bringing her back to CA when he comes home. I hate not knowing what is happening in my life and there is so much uncertainty right now that it's driving me crazy. I'm trying not to worry about what SD may be up to because I've gotten to the point that if DH buys into her crap, he can go... one less thing for me to stress out about. She may win this one... finally.