xmas daughter and partner nightmare

mediator3December 7, 2008

Hi' I really would appreciate some input with this problem which is tearing me apart.

My daughter,(21yrs) and partner do not get on at all. My daughter is known to friends and family as a complex character, she tends to rub people up thewrong way and can be quite verbally aggressive but I love her with all my heart!

My partner of 5 years and I have just bought our dream home together and my daughter stated that she was staying at a friends for xmas but has just phoned to say she is coming to stay with me for 10 days. My partner is utterly dreading this and to be honest so am I as they really don't get on. He finds it hard to stay in the same room as her. A few day's would have been fine but 10 is a killer!

My partner feels this way as he has seen me get hurt badly,(emotionally) in the past. I feel that xmas will bring everything to a head and I really can't choose between them. I love them both. Much of my pain comes from my daughter telling me that she wouldnt help me out financially when she inherited a VAST amount of money from her father. It's taken every bit of my strength to work through this but she is my daughter and she means more to me than all the material things in the world.But I need love and have found great happiness with this man and I don't want to lose it. Than for reading this

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imamommy

"Much of my pain comes from my daughter telling me that she wouldnt help me out financially when she inherited a VAST amount of money from her father."

Why do you feel entitled to any part of your daughter's inheritance from her father? (vast amount or not) it is her money and she is not obligated to help you out, parent's are supposed to help children, not the other way around. It might be nice if she wanted to give or loan you something in your time of need, but parent's are supposed to take care of themselves, not rely on their kids to take care of them )unless they are elderly... then I think kids have an obligation to help parents then) You say you have a partner of 5 years, so you were with him when your daughter was a minor? He was with you when she inherited her vast amount of money? and you are in a good enough position to buy your dream house now?

It sounds as if you are playing victim here... from what you say, you should not be 'hurt badly (emotionally) and it shouldn't take every bit of strength to work through it. If she means more to you than anything in the world, why are you saying your pain comes from her not sharing her inheritance? It also sounds like your partner is probably not happy that she turned you down and it really isn't any of his business... what she does with her dad's money or if she gives/loans you any. That is her business with you, not him. I think you and your partner have been out of line in that regard.

If there are other reasons she doesn't get along with him, my opinion might be different, but from what you say, she sounds pretty smart and assertive enough to say no to giving her money away. And verbally aggressive or assertive? I have to wonder about that?

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 3:45PM
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believer

OUCH!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 4:55PM
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nivea

This is really sad to me. The cause of the emotional pain is over money? Really? And your partner is upset about it for you as well? Unbelievable.

I would hope that parents would be overjoyed to see their kids at Christmas. And if she inherited money, I'm assuming her father died? But your still upset about money?

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 5:13PM
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mediator3

Oh this has all turned out wrong. The pain came about when father died. She didnt know him he left when she was six months old. That doesnt matter though. He was her father and quite honestly, the love of my life. I wish he had been hers. I always told her about him and hoped they'd keep in touch one day. Sadly, that wasn't to be. I never loved another man in all that time. When a parent, particularly, an absent parent dies it brings up loads of stuff from the past and it did. The money thing was a big problem. Who at 18 can cope with all that. I dideverything I could and still do. There has always been just her and I and I had to protect her until she could cope. We didnt recognise each other for a long time but now we're getting there. She pushes my buttons though, just a parent child thing and She knows I give in every time. All I'm saying is that the dynamics have changed and she is finds ihard to let me go as far as my relationship is concerned. I also, feel that it's my time in life to have love from a realtionship. It can be a total nightmare when we're together just like any other family and my partner does feel pushed out but he copes. I just love them both but worry that old wounds may surface.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2008 at 5:36PM
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finedreams

agree with imamommy.
I think when parents are old and incapable of taking care of themselves, it is adult children's moral obligation to take care of their parents (provided they know their parents, not like parents appear from nowhere when they got old). also if let's say you are not old, but you pulled your back or broke your leg or are ill, it would be a normal moral obligation of your daughter to help you carry somehting heavy, or get you a cup of tea because you cannot move, bring you medication etc.

But I don't understand how is that her obligation to share inheritance with you? you have nothing to do with that money. are you handicaped, very ill, elderly? i don't get it. and what is your partner's problem?

i wonder if this post is for real. seems hard to believe.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 7:30AM
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imamommy

FD, I also wondered if this post is real. Seems unbelievable, but then again...

Believer, sorry if you think I'm being harsh but that struck a nerve with me.

I too, raised three kids alone.... My oldest son saw his father for about seven years (coincidentally? It was the same seven years I was with my exBF) but the rest of the time, I was on my own... no visitation, no support, etc. I get that the kids were not happy when I decided, when they were in their late teens, to start dating again and met my now husband. They didn't want things to change. I get that. I understand telling a grown child "this is my life & I deserve happiness" and if they don't like it, they can go have their own life. They are going to do that anyways within a few years.

What I don't get is being pissed because her daughter won't share her inheritance. If she feels entitled because dad didn't pay support, that's a different story. If she was owed support/arrears, it would likely be paid from dad's estate, not from an inheritance. If she received support, she is not entitled to anything and I find it outrageous that she would hold it against the daughter for saying no to her. It's the daughter's money and the daughter suffered for most of her life, living without a father. Now, mom has a BF she doesn't like much and 'they' expect her to share her money. I don't blame her for saying no... and I don't even know the circumstances. If one of my kids received anything from their 'absent all their life' father, I would be happy for them, even if I was living in a cardboard box. They lived their lives without a father, partly because of a choice I made. I have to take responsibility for choosing to have children with someone that had the capacity to run away and not have a relationship with their child. OP also has some responsibility for picking the wrong guy to father her child. (and yeah, I know we don't always know that someone can/will walk away... and yeah, the primary responsibility lies with the parent that walks away... but there is 'some' responsibility on the parent that chooses to have a child with someone like that) Sometimes, it can be one sided but having the ability to abandon your children is a pretty big character flaw. In retrospect, there are usually signs that were there and ignored because we were in love... they are the love of our life.... etc. The bottom line is her daughter grew up without a dad and it's the daughter that has suffered... whether it was dad's fault alone or because mom chose a 'bad boy' to fall for, it doesn't really matter. Mom is wrong for expecting her to share her money. Mom's BF has no business being involved, let alone taking sides, on an issue that shouldn't even be an issue.

and I understand the dynamics she's talking about. She's parented out of guilt and probably could use a parenting class or counseling. I agree that OP deserves her own life and relationship. She needs to learn how to break the cycle she created with her daughter. Her daughter knows what buttons to push (as many kids do... mine included) and she needs to learn how to not react and create boundaries to have an adult relationship with her daughter. If she continues to react to her daughter in the same way she did when the daughter was a teen, they will remain stuck in that dysfunctional cycle... where the daughter is 35 and still pushing mom's buttons, mom still reacting to it. That would be sad... that's if they are even still having a relationship.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 9:21AM
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kkny

This is another post that seems bizarre to me. I doubt OP ever filed for CS (no contact between child and dad), so the option of suing the estate for back CS is gone. I can see OP feels cheated. I have to wonder if OP even loves current partner. There are a lot of red flags here. If a parent is only willing to accept a child if the child pays for it, she is not being a real parent. Ima -- I dont see guilt here I see greed.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 9:45AM
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imamommy

kkny, you might be right. I just find it hard to believe some parents think that way.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 10:37AM
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iloveexercise

"A few day's would have been fine but 10 is a killer!"

Then why did you agree to it? Tell her it's not going to happen.Something has come up and she can only stay for a few days.

I'm a step parent AND a step child like I think alot of people on here are.When I was your daughter's age,I didnt like my step father either.I'm fairly certain he didnt like me as well.It took a long time to build into a relationship,but we finally got along after alot of years.

The thing is,you've got to try to STOP all negative talk about your daughter to your partner.He doesnt love her like you do or know her like you do,so everytime you tell him negative things,that is all he's going to associate her with and he will NEVER like her.
Furthermore,most people dont want a house guest for ten days.
You and your daughter need to work out whatever problems you have WITHOUT bringing your partner into it.It may feel good to have someone on your side,but it is NOT right and it will only make things harder in the long run.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 4:36PM
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finedreams

iloveexercise, so you suggest she tells her daughter not to stay for 10 days because her partner does not like her? what kind of suggestion is that? this partner is not even a spouse and OP is supposed to choose him over her daughter? what kind of suggestion is that?

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 8:18AM
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iloveexercise

Relax finedreams! She said SHE didnt want her daughter to stay for ten days as well,so dont just blame it on the partner.
She isnt choosing anyone over anyone here so get a grip.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 4:32PM
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rielle2008

Good Lord! Please tell me OP that you're not my egg donors twin.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 10:11AM
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nivea

Thats exactly why I find this sad, Iloveexercise.

SHE does not want the child around and the root of all the ill feelings comes from money.

I hate this time of year :(

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 10:13AM
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finedreams

it is even worse that not only her partner but she does nto want her child around. so i find your suggestion a bit strange no matter if both of them or just he does not like SD. maybe you consider your children houseguests, but most people treat children as family. most people would be excited to have their children for 10 days around holidays! once again everybody is different.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 10:52AM
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kkny

The entire post is strange to me. Most people are thrilled when family comes. Depending on lenght of trip, short visit may not even be realistic.

I have trouble with how this entire thing started. I fought tooth and nail to ensure DDs inheritance, but would never never mention it to any potenital BF of mine. The most I would say is that while I do not expect to support my DD when she is older, I would if I have to.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 11:07AM
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doodleboo

Not everyone is thrilled when family comes. I can attest to that. There are certain members of my family whoes personality I seriously clash with and they grate my last nerve every second I am around them. If you have a difficult personality type chances are not even your family will want to be around you for too terribly long for fear of a battle royal.

As far as the money goes...I seriously hope it is mostly clashing personalities and less about the money causing the issues here OP. If your daughter trully is a pain in the arse to be around I can understand ten days feeling like a decade but if it's all money oriented than shame on you.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 12:29PM
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kkny

Doodles -- OP told us where pain comes from

"Much of my pain comes from my daughter telling me that she wouldnt help me out financially when she inherited a VAST amount of money from her father. "

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 12:40PM
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silversword

Nivea,

"Thats exactly why I find this sad, Iloveexercise.

SHE does not want the child around and the root of all the ill feelings comes from money.

I hate this time of year :("

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 1:29PM
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doodleboo

"Much of my pain comes from my daughter telling me that she wouldnt help me out financially when she inherited a VAST amount of money from her father. "

OK OP. That's just gross. You are an adult who is married to (I assume) an adult so it is in NO WAY daughters responsibility to tote you financially. It would not be you and hubs responsibility to tote HER financially either since she too is an adult. What is it with grown people wanting hand outs?! I never ask my parents for anything! If they want to help it is much appreciated but it's not expected from my end for leaping lizards sake!

God bless America and it's population of self absorbed entitled cry babies.......I am so interested to see how many of them survive when the stock market drops out completely.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 1:38PM
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loladoon

I don't understand what the money has to do with anything. Set boundaries for your daughter. If she's verbally aggressive, put her in her place. Or, do you accommodate her in the hopes that she will give you some money???

If my child won the Mega Millions, it never would enter my mind to get some money off of him and I wouldn't think about that at all.

Does your partner resent your daughter because of the money too?

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 3:20PM
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iloveexercise

well,I dont mind being one of the only ones here who isnt just seeing BLACK AND WHITE.I see alot of you are quite judgemental and capable of seeing things only ONE way.

You cant judge someone from just a few paragraphs.I'am sure Op loves her daughter,but ten days IS a long time! People have jobs and stuff.And ALL family is not a joy to be around.
I would not want my mother staying with me ten days,no way no how!

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 4:01PM
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cindy_pond

If my daughter called me and told me she was staying with me for ten days, I would be thrilled. Period. If your partner has a problem with that then let him deal with it.
You can't replace your children...

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 4:21PM
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iloveexercise

"My daughter is known to friends and family as a complex character, she tends to rub people up the wrong way and can be quite verbally aggressive "

Verbally aggressive daughter who rubs people the wrong way.
Yes,sounds like a joy to live with for ten days!

"My partner is utterly dreading this AND TO BE HONEST SO AM I"

Op admits she isnt happy with the situation

"A few day's would have been fine but 10 is a killer! "

My suggestion was to tell her she could stay for a few days LESS.Let's say 3-5 days.She is STILL staying,just not as long.
You know that saying about house guests are like fish! After a few days they start to stink!

True,if this were me,I'd love to have my daughter stay with me the ten days.But without knowing the full history here,I'm not going to judge and say OP isnt a good mother for wanting her daughter to stay ten days! And no,none of you said it,but the implication is there.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 4:39PM
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kkny

Iloveex,

I think the sentence of OP you are ignoring is

"Much of my pain comes from my daughter telling me that she wouldnt help me out financially when she inherited a VAST amount of money from her father. "

With that the reason, in OPs own words, for the pain and DD not being welcome, no OP is not a good mother in my book.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2008 at 8:55PM
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iloveexercise

Still I will not say that Op is a bad mother.Op didnt elaborate on the details of the money issue.We dont know anything about it.Perhaps her DD had promised to help her with something before and backed out.Perhaps it was something serious.
And if all of you can sit there and say you wouldnt be slightly hurt if you really needed something and after all you have done for your child they wouldnt help you when THEY had the chance,well,I think you're lying.

Do I think it should continue to strain their relationship? No,of course not.But I would never call someone a bad mother unless there was significant evidence that what the mother has done has tramatized the child.Child doesnt seem too bothered since she wants to stay TEN DAYS!

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 3:54PM
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cindy_pond

Who said she was a bad mother?..the only place I've read it is when you assumed people were thinking it in your posts...lighten up.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 4:09PM
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kkny

I think Ima, doodle and I all felt the OP was greedy. Does that make her a poor mother? In my book, yes.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 4:18PM
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iloveexercise

Cindy pond~~ kkny just said so herself that op was a bad mother~so you lighten up.

So because all of you felt she was greedy and I didnt that makes you right? Sorry,doesnt work that way. You jumped to the conclusion she was greedy without any real evidence.You werent told any reasons behind it.

Here is a tip,try offering advice and being less harsh and judgemental to people.It is the holiday season,and none of you,from what I've read, are perfect.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 4:54PM
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kkny

In the holiday season, I would suggest OP not trying to demand money from her DD. Of course there is evidence. OP said the problems stemmed from her DD not giving her money. I dont care if the kid (who is now only 21, and likely doesnt understand money) did promise. No mother unless she is desperate would take this tack.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 5:04PM
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iloveexercise

And I said I agreed with you on that.Regardless,pointing it out doesnt help the situation does it??? Giving the Op suggestions might help though.
You all arent hurting my feelings because I have done nothing wrong but point out the obvious,that SOME here dont really leave any advice,just judgements.

KKNY,what was your advice to OP? Anything besides get over it?
My advice was to make the visit shorter.Not to cancel the visit.Not for Op to choose her partner over her daughter.Just to make the visit shorter...

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 5:10PM
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cindy_pond

kkny said it after your post...what you're trying to defend doesn't make sense.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 5:18PM
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iloveexercise

Cindy,I could tell what kkny thought by what she posted.I'm perceptive like that.The fact that she admitted that was how she felt only confirms my perception.

What am I trying to defend? Re-read the post and see that it was FINEDREAMS who singled my advice out first.Just because I didnt jump on the Op is a bad mom bandwagon.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 5:28PM
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cindy_pond

I think if we could all get together in the same room we would understand what we were trying to convey a lot more clearly than trying to type stuff without the true emotion behind it. This can be confusing. On that note, I'm going to have some wine now..wish you all were here to join me.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 5:47PM
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iloveexercise

I agree.How come we dont get any smilies or emoticons or anything? LOL..enjoy your wine.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 6:00PM
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