This is BS....Here we go again...

imagr8tma2December 7, 2009

After all the drama of the last few visits.... way too small clothing being sent and no asthma medication.... We are right back at square one with BM.

New court order gave DH Thanksgiving for the first time since his daughter has been born. Of course DH attempted to make it as drama-free as possible. DH stuck to the court order and had the lawyer contact her lawyer to let BM know that all prescribed medications should be sent with SD.

DH picked up SD - No incidents. DH didn't even bother to open the travel bag other than her medications - I had purchased a wardrobe for SD at our home so that she would not be wearing too small clothing.

A bag of medications we have never seen before came with no instructions..... So we called the DR on Friday and stuck with only giving the allergy pill and asthma pump as needed as he told us too.

(Of course during this trip - BM did not call her daughter on thanksgiving.... but called her during black friday to tell SD to tell me and DH that she could not get SD what she wanted because DH did not give her enough CS.... and I was the reason) SD had tears in her eyes when she told us this... and I was just mortified. But of course DH told SD how he loved her, and how he paid her mother money - cause he works just to help take care of her. We then picked out ornaments for the christmas tree - to try and get her mind off of that. Then while we put the tree up - we again re-assured SD that we both loved her and would never do anything to hurt her. I let her know that we bought her clothes for our house, toys etc because we love her so much - and that her dad sends her mom money so her mom can have help to do the same.

We made sure we did not bad mouth BM, and DH just had tears in his eyes.

BUT the kicker is this - Now DH gets a letter in the mail that BM is taking him back to court for child support. This case was filed on 25 November. The day before Thanksgiving. The same day they had to meet at 2pm to exchange SD for her visit here. AFTER she has been told by the judge her three year review was denied and she could not come back to Child Support Enforcement Court for three years (Oct 2008) and she was denied an increase and told not to come back for 5 years as a part of the custody/visitation/support case she filed - it was ordered Sept 2009.

She did not file this case with her lawyer - but through a worker. SO now DH is at it again. He is sending the court signed orders to the Child Support Worker, and the lawyer. AND is getting our lawyer involved to see what can be done.

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I'm so sorry.

You might write down (document) the conversation wherein mom told her daughter that she "could not get SD what she wanted because DH did not give her enough CS".

No child should be put in the position of hearing something like that.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 7:13PM
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I totally agree Sylvia, but unfortunately my experience with documenting that sort of behavior is that it doesn't get you anywhere :-(

Our BM has always, and still is, saying stuff like that. When we went to court last year they perceived FDH to be nitpicking when he presented the documentation. But then, they also didn't want to have a bar of all documentation on BM's out fo control boozing, it was a bizarre experience..

Anyway, my experience is that you can't stop a person from badmouthing, but you can change your response to it. And Imagr8 is already doing that, so good on ya!

I'm amazed really how so many parents all use the same tricks. It's so unoriginal, bah.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 7:46PM
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Like yabber said we documented tons of things that BM had said to my SD and they were dimissed in court because it was heresay. Sucks I know!

I went through a very similar situation on Christmas day a few years ago and I know how heartbreaking it is. The BM would badmouth me and DH, and like you we just kept telling SD the truth and making sure we only said good things about BM. And i dont know why, but my SD trusts me and DH more then she does BM, but I assume it was because of those incidents.

Oh this site is soooooooo good for making you not feel like the only one going through these types of things!!!!

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 8:39PM
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Jeez Ima, that is ridiculous.
I am so appalled at what some parents say to their kids sometimes, CS should not even be a thought in their heads growing up. I know how it goes though I have heard both SS & GS's BM say terribble things in front of GS to and about each other.

It's awful. Too bad you couldnt get her on tape or video saying that stuff to SD and take that to court.


    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 3:26AM
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yeah, it is truly sad... and hurtful. But i just got to chalk it off to BM being jealous and upset for some odd reason.

I just for the life of me can not understand why you would tell you little girl that.

DH gets SD this weekend and next weekend for visitation before the 10 days at Christmas..... I am almost shuddering to think what we will begin to hear just before Christmas.

I mean it is almost to the point where I would just want to tell SD please don't tell us anything else her mom says.... it is just nasty, rude, hateful and lies..... BUT i understand it is better for my little SD to get this crap out of her heart then to carry it around day in and day out.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 3:35PM
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You know, the BM saying that sort of thing to the skids is exactly what made me very angry one day. I posted about it in March this year.
SD13 started going on to FDH how he doesn't pay BM enough, and because of that they have to miss out on 'this and that etc'. FDH gave the usual reply; that he does pay BM child support and always has, but it's up to BM what she does with the money. They've had this conversation a million times over.. But this time SD13 did not leave it at that. She told FDH that child support is not even real money because it goes in the bank (??) and why doesn't he pay cash to BM?
And all of a sudden I saw how the dynamics had changed, it wasn't just SD13 relaying BM's message, she had made it her own opinion and she was having a go at FDH. This made me very angry and I went off at SD13. How dare she accuse FDH of not paying enough money, she should know better by now than to listen to BM's crap, she shouldn't even be involved in any discussion about money!! I was angry and I went on about it. SD13 and SD11 stood there stunned for awhile and then they went to their room, got their mobile and called their mom, asking her to pick them up. Looking back now I understand they would've been scared to see me so angry, it never happened before (or since). I also understand BM coming to the rescue, even if this was exactly what she was after, causing problems at our home.

We weren't aware skids called BM and she was on her way, and FDH had already calmed situation down. We were going to all sit down and talk about what happened. BM rocked up and FDH tried to explain we were dealing with it, no need to take the skids away. BM then called the cops and went hysterical. The cops assessed situation and had a talk to skids. They then advised skids to stay with us, but skids just walked out and got in BM's car, and they took off. It was awful.

By getting angry I gave BM exactly what she wanted, it is part of the reason why she says these things to the skids, I'm sure.

I just wanted to share my experience with you, you are not alone in battling this kind of nastiness.

The best approach is to keep your cool, as you are doing. We also point out to the skids that we are not going to discuss adult issues with them, it's not appropriate.

And one more tip; (it's been hammered to death on this forum, but for a good reason) buy the book Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak. It's very helpful and gives great practical advice.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 10:49PM
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I'll 2nd what Yabber said - you have to try to keep your cool, but at the same time not just roll over to mom's BS. Not an easy task, I know.

My SD's mom for years would say the same kind of things, and much more, that were so inappropriate and so not SD's business. We would reply with "that is not true SD, but it's really not your problem, it's a problem between your mom and us. We don't think it's fair to you to put that burden on your shoulders as you shouldn't have to worry about adult matters - you have enough on your plate with (insert math test, problem with BFF, etc that makes it personal). It's not fair for adults to offload their problems on their kids." As SD got a little older we would start to offer a little more information - "No SD, we didn't tell your mom you couldn't see her this weekend. She actually asked to reschedule because she had other plans. I'm sorry if she told you otherwise, but it's simply not true." Soon enough SD started to get the message - we took the high road and mom drug her into her crap.

I honestly don't see the harm in saying "I'm sorry SD but that isn't true. I (dad) give money to your mom every month to help support you. However, I don't have control over what that money is spent on." As SD gets wiser she will 'read between the lines'- mom may have money, but that doesn't mean she spends it on SD.

I actually preferred to hear what BM was saying so I had a better idea what we were up against. We could usually find a way to squelch the BS she spouted and even kind turn it back on mom so subtle that SD didn't understand what was happenning, but a little seed of doubt was planted. Now that she is almost 15 she's *pretty much* understands her mom for what she is. . . . and she doesn't like her much.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 12:26AM
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Adding the follow-up question "Now why do you think she would say that?" then letting the question hang, can be a very effective tactic to get the kid to realize that BM has her own agenda. BioMom says these things to paint a picture -- and it's not that complicated that a smart 11 year old can't figure it out. Especially a girl...

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 9:10AM
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My SS42 went through this a while back with the BM of my SGS12. BM would not be able to make ends meet but it had little to do with amount of CS SS42 was sending for the child.

BM lived with another man who had 3 kids of his own living with him. BM would call and put SS42 on a guilt trip about needing more money. Why? Because she and BF had not enough monthly to support all four children. She was always asking for more school clothes but she wanted SS42 to supply clothing for the other 3 children not just his own son. Or she wanted an extra payment in any given month so she and BF could take Bf's kids a couple states over to visit Bf's mother.

SS42 sent his ordered CS through the proper channals (still does) then had a seperate amount he would send (still does) to an old buddy of his who still lives a few blocks from SGS12. When the child needs money for events, supplies, treats ect that BM can not or will pay for, SGS12 uses the cellphone SS42 provides for him and gets what he needs that route. I know when I have sent money for anything I also have let SGS12 know I have and that 'buddy' has it. A strange situation, but it seems to work.

I once sent SGS12 a heavy winter coat and was silly enough to send tags in case the fit was off. BM exchanged the coat for cash and took the money down to Goodwill or wherever and purchased 4 used cheap dingy coats, one for each child. I never made that mistake again.

Anyway, long story short, just saying sometimes no matter what a dad/mom pays in support, it's just never enough for whatever situation the other parent is currently living in, but that does not mean it's due to lack of amount ordered for the child. My SGS12 loves his mom with all his heart, but over the years all on his own he has become aware she has many faults.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 10:42AM
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What I meant to say earlier is that for BM to have filed another complaint after being instructed not to...
Well, the court won't like that One Little Bit!
I know it's annoying to you, but she's slitting her own legal wrists.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2009 at 4:02PM
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Well a little bit of a reprieve for us...... BM's sister had SD last night. So after SD called and talked with her dad..... BM's sister gets on the phone and tells DH to not pay attention to BM at all. She knows that DH and I are doing what is right for SD - and that BM will end up getting hers in the end, she also told us that she told BM last week after hearing about the Thanksgiving that we "forced her to give DH the time as blackmail for childsupport" she told her sister - to stop the games and lies... cause it will eventually backfire on her.

BM's sister told us that BM just laughed at that and said she was too good at this for that to happen........

WOW! But I do have to admit if was nice to hear someone down there in NC realizes we are doing what is right.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 12:30PM
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--"....cause it will eventually backfire on her... BM's sister told us that BM just laughed at that and said she was too good at this for that to happen..."---

I'll just never understand how any parent can be and/or believe (think) this way. Too good at it? How can she not realize the damage she afflicts on the child while mom continues to be 'too good' at the games and to heck what it does to the child? Boogles my mind.

yep, mom sure is just soooooo cute and clever feeding her daughter anti-dad nonsense, poor me crap, and medicine games.

I hope some miracle this season flys by her over inflated game playing dysfunctional viewing ego and slips a bit of reality into that brain of hers.

Sorry, I just needed a good rant myself today, so applied my need to your BM case. I feel better, even if all I did was rant at your BM via this posting. Released a bit of pent up stress.

Hang-in there, and keep letting that little girl know how loved and treasured she is by her daddy and step-mamma.

    Bookmark   December 10, 2009 at 2:38PM
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