Adult Step Son controls with anger

julia2008December 29, 2008

I don't really have space to give a proper background on my step son who is 48 years and was always spoiled. I married my husband 15 years ago when he was a widower. His favorite child is a son who has always ruled the family with his temper. My husband refuses to see this as a problem and is his son's enabler. For fifteen years I kept my mouth shut when step son bullied his family (his wife finally divorced him several years ago). He had a major surgery last spring and had to stay at our house. I did everything for him as did my 75 year old husband. After he came to our house from the hospital he developed a cough and a fever. He had open heart surgery and I knew that infection was a real possibility. I insisted that he go to doctor and we ended up in the emergency room with him. It took several hours for him to be treated which they did with an antibotic IV and wanted him to stay. He became nasty with the staff and when we got out the door he yelled at me for running his life and insisting that he go to emergency room. He also demanded to taken home. He couldn't even wipe his ass without his Dad's help. He was over his angry outburst the next day but never apologized for his behavior. My husband never stuck up for me. When he was well and back to his home, he seemed to think I would take his crap like his father and sister do. I finally stuck up for myself last summer. He has always had a habit of taking things that belong to us and not returning them ie garden tools, household items and anything that he was too cheap to buy. I told him that the expensive tool I gave his Dad would stay at our house because we needed it. He became angry and left. Never to return for months. Since he has no friends he used to spend most of his free time at our house. I resented the lack of privacy. Not having him here several times a week was great. We invited him to Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner and he refused. Now that Christmas is over he wants back into our lives. I really don't think I can go back to the way things were. I had always hoped he would change but that's not going to happen. I feel bad for my husband. How can I deal with this jerk? BTW his 45 year old sister couldn't be nicer to me. I think she is secretly happy somebody has stood up to her brother. She is married and has a full life with friends. I've asked my husband to treat his children equally or I will leave. At my age(61) that would be difficult but I'm getting too old to be used and abused. My husband absolutely will not stand up to his son. He will choose me over the son but I really don't want to put him in that position. Any thoughts?

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I think it's great that you stick up for yourself but he was in his 30's when you married his dad and if the dynamic already existed, it probably isn't ever going to change. I doubt your husband, at 75, is going to start standing up to him. It's a shame. If I were you, I'd keep my distance from him or get out of the marriage. It really is up to your husband to change how he interacts with his son and that's not likely to happen. Your choices are pretty limited at this point.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 4:14PM
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it is your DH's job to put his foot down. if he didn't for that many years, he probably never will. i cannot imagine taking anything from my parents' house without permission.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 5:16PM
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While I agree the dynamic between your husband and his son will probably not change, in your shoes I'd continue to stand up for myself. Don't be nasty but don't take his crap and tell him so. "This is my home and I prefer not to be treated this way." A totally reasonable expectation. With luck he'll go off in a huff angain and the problem will be solved.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 6:44PM
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48? There is no room at the inn. This is a way grown man. Is he unable to take care of himself for some reason at 48?DH doesn't have to stand up to him for you to not return to the old situation, you need to stand up to DH. You can't live with him. Say so and stand your ground.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 6:47PM
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I had a situation very similar to this with my SD, she went to work trying to split us. Wanted to cut me out and only see her dad. She is abusive and takes what she wants also. Her dad tried to reason with her, cajole her and also gave in to her demands. She told him he needed to choose. I told him to choose himself and I hoped that what he wanted for himself was me but if it wasn't I needed to know. Finally he realized that she was interfering with his happiness and chose himself. I would suggest telling your husband that. I get that you do not want to feel guilty about coming between your H and his son but you are not the abusive one. What my H found is that he is much happier without her constant drama and is finding a lot more enjoyment out of life.

good luck.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 7:21PM
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Thanks for all your responses. I guess the part I really hate is the grandkids don't see their grandfather. Two are in college and the youngest is a senior in high school. I have no idea what their father has told them about me but I've decided that no matter what, I will stand up for myself. I will no longer be disrespected. Step son behaves around his kids because they won't tolerate his bad moods and general crap.
With any luck step son will find something to pout about again. I'm afraid I waited too many years to put an end to this thing and now I can hardly stand the idea of having him around my house. I don't know what to say to him when he comes over. He did come over a few days ago and I managed to be gone but I can't avoid him forever. Colleenoz has probably the best advice for now. Since he's a typical bully, he will probably behave for awhile. There's really no one left that will take his bullying anymore except his Dad. I told my husband when you reward bad behavior by letting a child get their way, you do them no favors. He just wanted peace at any price......

    Bookmark   December 29, 2008 at 8:59PM
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I have been struggling, - in the dark at first, but now I have seen the light - with my step son since he was 9 years old. He lost his mother to breast cancer when he was a baby and then I came into his life when he was a preschooler. He was a darling boy who loved his father's attention and knew how to get it. As he became older, he was spoiled by his father and treated fairly by myself, just as I did his brother 9 years older and my own two daughters. He is now 26 years old and I am still struggling. His father is still spoiling him - giving him money even though he has not worked full time since his 6 years in college. He is a full blown narcissist. He bullies everyone including his father. I just can't be around it, so I travel alot to see friends, and family. When I return home there is always something. This last time I figured out his Passive Agressiveness. He always entertains at our home when we are gone, even though he doesn't live here. This time it was taking the couch pillows from the living room - three pillows that match the sofa and the chair. I didn't notice at first, but the next day I checked myself first, "Self, did you take those pillows to the basement for laundering? No they are not down there." I find it very very difficult to stay quiet about the small things he does. In the past, I have confronted him, but then he makes up falsehoods to his father about me - his dramas - to cause trouble and make me look bad. Most of the time, his father and I can't even speak for about a week - the freezer. Well, I am out of the freezer because I haven't spoken a word about this episode. Hope I can keep my mouth shut. The sad part of this is I just don't live at home very much. I will not knowingly choose to be anywhere around this boy - Golden Boy - narcissist. I go to therapy but the therapist wants me to come to see her with Golden Boy. I just haven't been able to get myself to do that. His loft apartment is full of things he has lifted from my home and expensive toys he should not be able to afford. I won't go there anymore. I get angry when I see the things he has taken from me. His father doesn't care. If anyone has any solutions I would love to hear them.

    Bookmark   October 14, 2011 at 7:39PM
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