What should I do?

n2teethDecember 17, 2012

My husband has (4) "adult" sons. Three of the oldest each have a child with their "girlfriends". Two of the three are not with the girlfriend now. My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs. It been interesting to say the least. My husband has inherited ( so far) over 125 thousand dollars and has given his "adult" kids about 100 thousand dollars of it. I have informed in in the past that since he feels that the money is his and can do whatever he wants with it that if he wants to do anything extra or special for his "adult" sons and or the grandkid's that it's to come out of the inheritance money...not our money. We make o.k. money,not a lot, but we are not poor either. I don't have any kids. My husband and I put aside $ 1200.00 a year for gifts for his family AND we travel across country to go see them and the grandkids. I let him know this past time that I don't intend on going out every year because I only get 2 weeks of vacation and I don't feel like driving for 4 days and then spending the week there EVERY year. He can, but I dont' want to. He naturally wants to spend time with his sons and their kids, but you know THEY can come out here, but because they aren't doing that good in life they let everyone do for them. Hell I would too based on what they get from the family. They hardly have to do anything to get a bunch of money, and stuff for their kids and themselves. Meanwhile we are blessed and have a roof over our heads and have fun, but he has made it known that the inheritance money is his to give to his kids or whatever. So today he says that he needs to drive our truck back again to deliver more stuff that he wants to give to his kids ( from his ailing mother's house). We just got back from giving them a truck that was his Dad's and spent like $ 2500.00 doing it. I said that he can use his inheritance money NOT our money...we got into a big argument. He lashes back that he let's me spend on whatever ( I just lost 98 lbs and have been spending a lot on clothes). I also asked him if he's giving more money to the "adult" sons in addition to the money that we gave as a gift...he said no, but that if he does then what business is it of mine if it's out of HIS inheritance. I do have a problem with that, because if he thinks that what we do give is not enough now then when he runs out of that money he'll start in with our money....this is my thinking.
So now what I need is advise about should I split my money away from his? I don't want to hear that I should leave him please, cause that's not gonna happen. I do need to hear from people that maybe have gone through this and has worked something out that may work for us. Thank you.

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My brother went through something like this, & it was ugly, & there were hurt feelings long after the money was gone.

I'd keep my money separate, because

  1. it's good policy, &

2) he hasn't shown a great deal of good judgment with his inheritance (in short, he's blowing it as fast as he can), &

3) if he gets hit by a bus, you need to have separate money that his children won't feel entitled to & can't tie up.

I'd also try to get him to take on as much financial responsibility as possible (house payment, car payments, insurance, groceries, utilities, etc), because
when he's spent all his money, you need for your money to be there to pay the obligations.

Although I understand that he's spending "family" money, you're his family, too, & you're entitled to be treated as generously as they are:

if he gives them each $25,000, he should give you $25,000.

It sounds like he wants these kids to love him & to appreciate him, but, sad to say, he'll likely have a rude awakening when the money runs out.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2012 at 1:14PM
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Hi Silvatexas,
Yeah I was able to get a trust done where I get the house and everything ( bank accts and cars and all). He keeps the money separate for the inheritance. The house and the car are in his name. Yeah I agree he's not showing great deal of judgement on the money and that's what soo sad. He's really a great guy, but trying to buy his "adult" kids. Well he's not gonna with what I make. I'm not trying to be mean...just I'm not into trying to buy them.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2012 at 1:34PM
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I'm confused;
are the house & car in his personal name, or in a trust?

If they're in his name, I'm thinking he can sell them or give them away or will them to anybody he wants.

What does the trust do for you in that event?

I think I'd consult a financial/estate planner & maybe a lawyer, just to be sure that things will work the way I (you) think they will.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2012 at 6:40PM
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In the trust it states that I get the house the cars and all contents and all bank accounts/ retirement etc....this is in the event that he dies. I'm not planning on divorcing him...that would be a little different ( maybe). We also got a will done and healthcare directive (for both of us). We are both not as individuals but as a trust.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2012 at 7:11PM
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