'making' a mom support her kid is hard sometimes! ~very long~

imamommyDecember 14, 2008

The last two weeks dealing with BM (and her mother) have been complete hell....

Out of frustration, DH asked our attorney what can be done to collect ANY of the money BM owes him? She hasn't paid him anything at all and SD just told us, she sold some of the (7) puppy's she and her BF bred. My frustration has been that I am the one taking SD to the doctor because BM refused to and I am the one that pays for it (from my own personal account) and meanwhile, she is taking the puppies to the vet constantly & paying for that. DH has told me when BM pays her half of the medical bills, I will get to keep that money. DCSS is dragging their feet and seem to be giving her lots of time & chances. Any man that said "I shouldn't have to pay for my kids and I don't want to find a job because my SO/spouse makes plenty of money" would find themselves in court being called the deadbeat they are. Our attorney suggested pressuring the DA to file charges and he could file contempt charges too. But, she also suggested that if BM is not following the order, she should be. He told her that BM is not picking SD up, she sends her mom... so not only is she not paying support, medical bills, etc, she is also passing the expense of transporting to her mom. DH is told he doesn't have to allow grandma to pick up SD, the order says BM. (He is also told he can get a writ & seize her dogs to sell them for the back support but he passed on that idea... they are big dogs and BF might claim ownership.. too messy)

About three weeks ago, I started working a second job & trying to juggle running my business while working there. (It's my dad's business, so I moved my home office there and work for my dad & run my business from there) I am working 7am-5pm, 6 days a week and half a day on Sunday for my dad.... plus doing my business after hours. It's flexible enough that I can leave during the day to do court filings and serve businesses but I go after 5pm to serve people at home, so typically I have been getting home between 6:30 and 8:30 pm. My daughter has been providing child care for SD after school until I get home or DH gets home. He's paying her $5.00 an hour. It's been working out fine, except BM should be responsible for half the cost of child care and she disagrees of course. I am getting a little resentful that I am working 10-15 hours a day (and DH is also working there on weekends when SD is at BM's), BM won't even look for a job.

DH sent her an email two weeks ago, asking her when she is going to (at least) pay the medical bills. They total about $400. right now. He mentioned that his attorney suggested he file contempt charges and/or the DCSS/District Attorney could file charges and it COULD result in jail time. She said she can't find a job and if she goes to jail because of him, SD will hate him. He told her that until she does what she is supposed to, she has to follow the order and pick up SD from school herself. She says her mom picks her up to save BM money, DH says he isn't getting any of the money she is saving so he doesn't care. He tells her to use some of the money from selling her puppies (they typically sell for $950-1100 each) and she tells him she only got $100 and she will give him $100 because that's all she got. (well, her BF told his exW they sold each of the puppies for $650 each, which is probably still less than what they actually sold them for since he owes her support too and probably minimized the amount to her) Either way, she never gave him the $100. Instead, she picked up SD from school that Friday. Then, on Sunday she tells DH she won't be home on time, she's out of town and will be 30 min late. (she tells him this at 1pm when pick up is 6pm) We drive the 3 hours to BM's house & are on time. DH had told her it's not fair to SD to get her home later so she should be on time, she was home. She kept us waiting for 20 minutes & when SD gets in the car, he asks where she went this weekend? SD says they were at Grandma's house. Grandma lives 45 min from us. So, BM was 45 min from us and drove SD 2 hours back to her house so we would have to drive 3 hours to get her. SD says BM was angry that DH was making her rush back home to be on time. DH was angry that BM had SD in the car for 7 hours on Sunday... 2 hours to her moms, 2 hours back to BM's, and 3 hours to our house. (plus SD was sick again... she said she was outside in shorts on Saturday)

Then, the drama repeats itself this weekend, starting Tuesday. I took SD to the dentist & she needed fillings. I text BM to tell her how much, it's $98. This time, I tell her I can front the money to get it done, but I need her to pay me her half by Friday. She agrees to give it to me on Sunday if I provide proof of the bill & payment. So, I pay it & send her the proof. The next day, her mom starts texting DH to give BM proof from his insurance company of what they paid, etc. She also tells him that she is picking up SD, not BM. He tells her no & she threatens to have me arrested for kidnapping if I don't let her take SD. Then, BM calls DH to tell him that whatever he wrote in his text to her mom, caused her mom to collapse at work & an ambulance had to be called. **drama** because an hour later, BM calls me like nothing happened and asked to speak to SD, who was still in school. When I tell her SD is still in school, she tells me she JUST got a voice message from her. I ask what number did she call from & BM says her phone doesn't show a missed call, just a message. I tell her SD tried to call last night & left a message. She says I got that message, this is new. Then tells me she didn't call back last night because she was at an interview... (trying to make me think she's looking for a job? Who interviews at 5:30 or 6 pm?) Oh well. SD is in school, call back after her counseling appointment... she never calls back. But, she did call our attorney to complain DH won't let grandma pick up SD. Attorney tells her DH is doing that under HER advice. The order says BM gets SD, that's what should happen. (and I'm sure that call cost us too) Fortunately, our attorney needed some documents served, so I was able to work off part of the bill.... a very small part. (I knocked a couple hundred off the several thousand we owe her) Then, all Thursday evening, she texts DH to tell him her mom is getting SD. He then tells her no again & on top of it, tells her if her mom is so fragile that she collapsed over a text message, he doesn't want her driving SD until he talks to her Dr. BM claims doctor/patient privilege and says her mom is okay now, the Dr. says it was the stress of the text, but she is fine now. She tells him her mom will call the police and if SD is embarrassed, she'll tell SD that daddy made that happen. He tells her if they are going to call the police, call them to the house but he's done discussing it. She writes back "does that mean you will let my mom pick her up at the house?" It's after 11pm and he ignores it. He's already told her no. She writes him several more texts that he ignores.. they all ask if grandma is going to be allowed to get SD. (at one point, she claims she has a funeral to attend, he told her pick her up at the house after the funeral) In the end, BM called me on Friday and asked me if I would do her a favor & pick up SD from school & she would pick her up later at the house. DH had already told her that but now that it was HER idea, it was okay. I'm already dreading next week... but I am proud of DH for sticking to what he said. If he backs down, he won't be taken seriously. BM has made every threat in the book but now he has an order that he didn't have when he used to back down to her threats before.

Then, Saturday DH gets a letter from DCSS. Finally, they are taking BM back to court. They have filed an order to show cause for a seek work order. BM will have to come to court every two weeks to show at least 10 places she has applied for work... names of who she talked to, etc. She hasn't been served, at least I don't think she has. But, we already know that when she is, she will tell SD how horrible DH is for doing that to her, even though it's DCSS that did it. If it were up to DH, it would have been filed months ago. He's frustrated at how slow DCSS is. In fact, the date for the hearing is in March 2009... three months away. If she is still unemployed in March, I guess they will make her start coming in to show where she is looking for work. If she gets a job, they will drop the hearing. Then she can quit the job and start the process over again. (and by then, they will take her tax return, if any, and apply it to what she owes) FRUSTRATING

Today is Sunday. We get SD tonight. We'll see if she gives me the $49 for her half of SD's dental bill. We made the agreement by text so I have it in writing. It's a contract but reality is, if she doesn't pay I have to sue her to get it. Then she tells SD that I sued her... I'm the bad guy again.. plus, I don't really have time to go through the process. I am working all the time. Like I said... FRUSTRATING!!!

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Ima! You must be at your wits' end!
This is complete and total BS, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.
But good for you for making sure SD gets her medical and dental needs attended to. Hopefully, when she gets a little older, she'll see all the good things you've done in her life and finally understand that you and DH aren't out to get BM, but just looking out for SD's best interests...

    Bookmark   December 14, 2008 at 2:33PM
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That BM is crazy! I think that standing up to her is the best thing you can do. Give her an inch and she will take a few miles.

You may not be able to stop her from filling sd's head with nonsense. But if you and dh keep your heads up and do not talk badly about bm sd will eventually see that bm is the bad guy. It may not be until she is an adult, but when sd matures it will happen.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 12:20AM
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Well, I have to give credit when due.... BM did pay me for the dentist tonight.

DH thinks she's afraid of me. I'll feign innocence because I don't think I'm intimidating at all. She towers over me and I guess because I don't back down from her and she's told my DH that to do the job I do, you have to be tough, she figures I am not someone she wants to mess with? She's walked all over DH for years, so she knows he's taken it and she continues to walk on him. He's stood up to her mostly since we've been together so she blames me for it, but it's really him. I am supportive and back him but he is tired of her crap.. more than I am, he's put up with it for so long.

Whatever it is, she walked SD out to the car tonight and I told her I need the money for the dentist bill. She paused and said, 'do you have change for a hundred?' and of course, I don't carry cash. I told her no, but I'll be happy to go down the road, break it & bring her the change. She went back in the house & came out with $46 in bills (mostly $1's) & $2 in quarters. I don't care, it's cash. She was a dollar short but I was shocked she didn't whine about not having any money. (of course I was thinking... hmmm, she has $48 to give me but what about the $100 she wanted me to break? She promised DH $100 last week) He didn't want to ask her in front of SD I guess. I didn't want to push the issue in front of SD and since DH didn't say anything, I let it go too. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have been dealing with her directly every time I pay for her doctor and I could collect from BM instead of having DH send her the bills/receipts and relying on her to pay him to get my money back. She knows I am the one paying for it... but this is the first time I've asked her to pay her half directly to me. I don't care why she paid, just glad she did and no complaints...

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 2:16AM
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In your case, like mine, BM should stand for BOWEL MOVEMENT. I just don't know what else to say:( I wish all parents were involved and put their children first but if I have learned nothing else from this board it's that that isn't always the case.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 8:38AM
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