BM & SF got a divorce

ashley1979December 16, 2010

Or at least it appears that way. SD hasn't moved, that we know of, neither BM or SD has called to tell DH, and we have seen absolutely no proof, but SD put this on her facebook page "Well my mom is _______ again. Things are gonna be different and akward but I hope it all turns out for the good. My mom seems releaved and happy so I am happy for her. Maybe we will have a real family."

This whole divorce worries us in so many ways, especially the "maybe we will have a real family" part. But I really don't want to dredge up those emotional issues right now. Neither DH nor I can do a damn thing about it so we will just have to deal as they come up.

My question is this: Should DH and I acknowledge this to SD? My view is that we should, but not on facebook. I'm thinking we should send her a little card saying we are sorry to hear about it and that we love her. I don't want to not acknowledge it because this is SD's life, and just because BM refuses to believe we are part of it, we shouldnt do the same. You know?

What do you all think?

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I can somewhat relate to this...My DD's dad, my ex, didn't get divorced per se but he ended a 10-year-old common law relationship. He since remarried as of 2 years ago. My DD was very upset about it especially for her brother, ex's son, who ended up in 50/50 back and forth situation. My DD was already adult yet she was very upset and not too happy with her dad.

It would be completely inappropriate of me to not acknowledge it to DD and not support her in this. But then DD immediately told me, I didn't find it on a Facebook. And ex told me too.

I don't think you necessarily need to acknowledge or say anything, but dad should. No, sending cards would not work for us. It is too formal. Pretending he does not know does not sound good either. He could call or send an email to SD? Just to say he is sorry?

    Bookmark   December 16, 2010 at 7:30PM
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In a perfect world, BM should have notified your DH that a substantial change was going to occur in SD's life. But then, there's no such thing as perfect... I, personally, would want to know if my ex was introducing a new significant other to our child and vice versa - I would inform him that our child was going to meet ________, etc.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2010 at 9:43PM
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Facebook.. blessing or curse?

I'm on Facebook and friends with both SD's, however I never ever comment on anything because once they're back with BM they don't want to communicate with me.

It's awkward because we have a good bond when they're with us. But once they're back at BM's the pressure is always there, always. In the beginning of joining facebook I tried a couple of times, but I just got ignored. Anything online is ignored, when I send them an email (tried a few times) they'll just deny they ever got it. FDH thought it was BM checking their mail and deleting mine, but I know that I sent them a few when they were online and they would have seen the mails themselves, so I think they just shut themselves off from us because it's too hard. Therefore i don't try anymore but I stay friends with them on facebook because we get some idea of what they're up to that way.

In your situation I would probably think it was best for DH to try and give SD a call, if she doesn't answer he could leave a message to ask her to return his call (but not saying that he saw the message!). If that doesn't work, maybe send her an sms saying that he's thinking of her, he tried to call, can she please call him back?

That way he's taken the initiative and shown an interest, he has reached out. But it also places some responsibility with SD, she's old enough for it.

    Bookmark   December 16, 2010 at 10:30PM
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And I'm agreeing it should be BM in first place to inform DH but hey: we all know that's not going to happen so I already thought past that..

When our BM split up with BF/Fiancee we never knew, it was all a big secret that the kids had to keep...

    Bookmark   December 16, 2010 at 10:43PM
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My brother has this issue ... Kind of... This is how he dealt. He is married For 14 yrs now and has a DD from a previous relationship. Dd (my niece) is 15. My brother is stationed on the other side of the country so he is involved as much as distance allows. Text and facebook some calls and a long summer visit. He found out through his dd's fb that she had been in an accident on an atv and fractured most of the bones in her face. Furious? Yes. No one called. No one texted. Nothing. So he called BM and said I read this on FB what is going on. So she told him but DD deleted him the next day. Not sure how old you Sd is but I would suggest BD call BM and just say I am concerned is she ok? Don't accuse or point fingers. She has a lot going on if she is divorcing and maybe it's not set in stone and DD is just venting or assuming. It's not DDs place to inform you of family changes but since BM hasn't picked up the phone or sent an email yet you can't just wait until she calls... She might not ever.

To yabber. I have a SM that I do like and care for but when she gets on my FB she drives me nuts. She comments on every status, every picture and is always'dad and I love you and miss you soo much'. Well it would be nice for my dad to say it.. Ya know? I get annoyed bc she just knows everything and comments on everything but I won't delete her bc that's petty and it will hurt her which I am not interested in doing so I just ignore her. It's VERY possible that BM is deleting your messages bc I know my mom would have when I was a kid. My mom is a very territorial BM which is why I choose to be so different. I was that kid that suffered from my parents issues so I know what I don't want for my DD. It's just a thought. Maybe that is how they feel. Loyal to mom at her house but open to you at your house. And if they are teens I am sure they are chatting with friends and just don't acknowledge your chats bc they are busy with 15 of their friends. Hate Facebook sometimes ... Lol

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 12:18AM
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I think it would be a good idea of her dad calls her to check on her. Maybe he could give her some advice that would help her cope.

I respect the fact that you guys are so concerned. The part of having a "real family" would worry me too. This dillusion could break her. It is best that it is addressed now before her imagination grows too wild.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 1:43AM
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myfampg, haha you are right, I wouldn't want a SM commenting on all my stuff either, fair enough. Please don't think that I was one of those, because I'm well aware that is overstepping it and I'm also aware that interest is better coming from DH. I didn't put myself out there on their facebook. All I did was write them a short message a couple of times, not on their page for everyone to see, but a private one that goes to inbox. Nothing overly involved or threatening, well, I guess anything is threatening but hey... I only wrote something like: "Hi SD14, how was school? When I took the dog to the park he thought he saw you and got all excited, how sweet hey? LOL"

Our councelor advised us that it might be nice to show an interest in them when they're not with us, she thought it might be easier for them to communicate with us this way then a phonecall. (Skids never answer phone when FDH rings and they won't return his call either, unless BM wants to pass a message via them and they have to be on speaker so BM can laugh at what FDH says in the background ... awkward!!)

I want to ask you some other stuff so I'll start another thread don't want to hijack this one any further ;-)

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 3:26AM
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Thanks everyone for your advice! I will not say anything to her about it.

No, no will comment about it on Facebook. As a matter of fact, I have never commented on anything she has posted. Sometimes I "like" something, but that's it. We do not want her to delete us. DH has very sporadic contact as it is.

Also, I did not befriend her on Facebook, she befriended me, as I put in another post. I did not want to force DH's kids to have a a relationship with me.

But what I don't understand is why is it NOT ok for me to have a relationship with my SD? Everyone said DH should talk to her about it, and I agree that he should, but why is it not ok for me? She should feel loved by all of us, shouldn't she? She's not going to want to visit if she doesn't.

Myfampg - why does it annoy you so much that your SM cares about you and loves you enough to stay connected with you? You said "Well it would be nice for my dad to say it.. Ya know?" It sounds like to me that is an issue you should have with your dad, not SM.

Let's face don't take the initiative to stay in touch with people. If it wasn't for my mom, I would almost never talk to my dad. If it wasn't for me pushing DH, he would never go see his family. If it wasn't for me, Christmas cards would never get sent. Why is that wrong?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 10:44AM
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You should have relationship with your SD. If she tells you that mom got divorced you have rights to discuss it with her, if she tells you she likes a boy at school you have rights to discuss with her. She never told you her mother got divorced, so you should not be commenting on it just because you read it on facebook.

Yes you could send her Christmas card (not expressing concern over mom's divorce), you could call etc. I have relationship with SDs and I don't even know them that long. Of course there is nothing wrong with that. But if that relationship is based on what she posts on facebook, then no, I don't think it is appropriate.

You should not send her something that is based on Facebook posts. If she did nto tell you about mom's divorce you have no reason to discuss it with her. If she wanted to tell, she would, she didn't, so in my belief you should nto say anything. It is different for dad, he still might because it is his daughter.

Yes men sure take initiative keeping in touch with their families. I am surprised you say they don't. Who doesn't?

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 11:28AM
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ashley, I think myfampg meant it is annoying SM posts on her facebook all the time. I don't think she is annoyed if SM directly talks to her. I don't think commenting on facebook is any kind of relationship at all. It is illusion.

I also think it is very sad your DH needs your pushing to go see his family. It is OK to give him advice, help to choose a gift etc but it is not really your job, what do single men do, don't see their kids or parents?

If he lacks intitiative with his family, then possibly that's the reason of lack of relationship with SD (BM isn't helping here either but is she a true reason?). You can't fix their relationship though, it can't come from you.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 11:53AM
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Parent of one is right. I didn't go in to too much detail. SM became SM # 3, # 20-something woman ... After I was an adult. I don't mind her comments, sometimes it's just like 'ok enough!' I love her she is fantastic with the kids. She doesn't have any bio grandkids and stands up to be a grandma to my kids which sm#2 probably would not have done and SM #1 was abusive so she wouldn't have either.
Problem with my dad, yes he was never around SMs always left to take care of us when we went with him. He was a cop so his schedule was never good for our visits. I haven't heard from my dad since April. He missed my birthday, stuff like that but got a Christmas card from both of then signed by sm. Which is perfectly fine, DH did not help with our Christmas cards this yr so not a big deal to me. I wish my dad would try harder. sm wants me to know they both love me. Which is fine but you know what I mean? I wish I could actually hear it from my dad too sometimes.

Original poster, I think you should be there for your sd. I just think BD should confront BM about this situation to get the full story to better understand SDs situation and feelings. I don't like how some think steps are only steps. That is not how we run our house either.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 12:22PM
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