Why am I so angry??

mom2emallDecember 8, 2008

So BM called the kids yesterday to say hi. (not to make plans to see them or anything) Kids talked to her. After getting off the phone middle sd was singing the praises of bm. Telling me how BM got a new job and how she got this and that and bla bla bla. Telling me how BM is going to buy her the game system she wants for Christmas....funny how BM's parents told me they bought it for her!! But I guess BM gets credit for buying it.

I just smiled and said "thats good" to everything while I secretly wanted to vomit! I asked if bm mentioned seeing them and she said that her mom told her to call her anytime she wanted to go visit her and she would come pick her up! Isn't that wonderful. Now it is the kids responsibility to plan a visit. Now she really will never see the kdis.

I am just so angry about this. BM does not see the kids, does not call on holidays, blows off scheduled visits that she plans, does NOTHING for the kids, does not show up to events and school functions that the kids have told her about....but she is so great!

Meanwhile I am finishing up wrapping all the kids presents late at night (DH is a terrible wrapper!). Thats after just helping middle sd with a big project for school and helping her bake a million goodies for her bake sale at school this week.

Thats after going to 4 parent/teacher conferences last week with DH.

Did I mention running oldest sd to practices almost daily and games on weekends?

Don't forget helping out in ss's kindergarten class and being in charge of his classes upcoming Christmas party.

Oh and I am helping my sons band teacher set up and decorate for the upcoming concert.

But BM has a new job (wonder how long this one will last) and managed to call the kids yesterday. She is so damn wonderful.


Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think you are TOTALLY normal for feeling the way you do.

How annoying! :(

But trust me....all the things you do for your Skids, and the way you love them WILL pay off in the end. It might seem like they don't notice or appreciate it now---hey, that's just kids!--but I really think they will down the road.

In the end--they will know who was there for them and who wasn't.


    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 12:04PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo


I can certainly understand your frustration. For me at times it just isn't that it has been a step parent issue but the issue of bio mom and wife as well. It seems like a thankless job at times. One that I know in hind site they all appreciate but while I'm in the middle of all the goings on I want to become invisible and see how they all manage.

I recall one particularly enlightening moment during my first marriage. It was a Sunday, (my only day off) 1st husband was at his friends house drinking beer ( as he was everyday ) SD was with her mom at the lake and I was downstairs doing laundry, his laundry, her laundry...I did not have kids at the time.

These days I feel like the secretary to a very dysfunctional group of office executives. They all act like they are in charge of their own lives while wanting me to tie up the loose ends for them since I do not work outside of the home. No matter that it is Christmas time and all the gifts given from our home to husbands side of the family and our children are done by my leg work, wrapping skills and so on. I am exhausted from the stresses of late, preparation for Christmas, a root canal that was horrid and now must be redone next Monday. Not to mention my sons grades, errands for husband and DD20, laundry, cooking, putting up the tree and oh yes, my disability.

I need a vacation.

Then DH comes home from a weekend visit to his family in Ca. (1700+ miles away) with Christmas presents for SD and himself (I believe my name is just on there as an after thought) and nothing for my 2 kids. This is the third year in a row for that. His daughter in Ca. is 30. They make enough money to send at least a $10 or $15 gift card to my kids. My SD33 in Ar. has never left out my newest SD10 and wouldn't think of sending a package for Christmas with a gift in it for everyone except my SD10. SD33 sends SD10 birthday gifts every year also. My kids get nothing from DH's oldest daughter.

I told him this time that I was going to get a gift card for my kids from his daughter and that he could speak to her after the holidays. I'm tired of letting it go when SD10 is thought of by everyone under the sun and my kids get the shaft.

Anyway....venting on your post....sorry. It gets a bit much a times to see everyone else get the praise and so one while you do all of the work. I have told my kids that they need to come up with a slave name for me because at times that is how I feel. They say they already have one....It is "Mom".

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 12:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You are angry because you're normal and would like a little recognition for how great you are! Nothing wrong with that!

I want to gag and puke for you.

My daughter is the same way about her Dad, he is so darn wonderful while I do all the work, the sports, the school events, the homework, yep he's great because he takes her to movies and out to eat every Friday. I tell myself when she's an adult and has kids of her own she'll realize it was me doing the things for her that she will then be doing for her kids. Just wait for 15 years...that's my plan :)

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 1:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mom2, I understand exactly how you feel and think ABSOLUTELY no less of you for voicing it. That puke feeling is probably the hardest part of being a step mom for me - I hate the feeling, and I hate that I feel it.

For me what gets even worse, and you may know this with your olderst skid, is that they will b!tch and moan about mom for days, but then one tiny little 'good' deed is played up 100 times over. I know in my head that they are just grasping for something to believe in her by, but my heart isn't so logical and wants to scream "This is the woman who's stood you up 3 times in a row, don't you remember??"

We should start our own line of barf bags - the Step Sack maybe?? Then we can carry then around just in case a wonderful BM moments strikes.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 1:49PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"stepsack" I love it!!

Thanks all for your kind words. I feel so awful sometimes for resenting bm so much. I cringe when my sd plays up how "wonderful" her bm is. At times bm will let her down so badly that she will finally get it and see what a piece of crud her mom is. Then bm does something "great"...like call her twice in 2 weeks and she is the greatest thing ever!

I almost wish that we could drop the kids off with bm for just one week and let her fail at doing it all. Oh and I know she would fail! When her and dh were together with 3 kids the neighbors used to tell dh that afterschool
(when bm was home alone with the kids) they could hear the yelling almost daily! Can you imagine her patience level with 3 little ones running around to add to that!

Then the kids could miss what we do for them and appreciate it!

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 3:12PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

justnotmartha....I think that you are onto something there...we could have holiday Step Sacks, birthday Step Sacks....those would have to bigger than the daily Step Sacks. That's pretty funny.

In all seriousness.....Our skids have to create a fictional biopartent personality to some degree for the bio parent that is dropping the ball in their lives. It is incomprehensible to us, as adults, as to how a parent can continuously drop the ball, lie to or just build a life without their children. It mush tear the kids apart. I suppose that I would rather have the kids live in a fantasy that they have created and can deal with then to have to feel the pain of reality where the bio parent is concerned. It is hard to be the ones to constantly have to pick up the pieces and put them back together again. The humpty-dumpty children....poor little things. We all know what the truth is and really are blessed to have been placed in the lives of children who need us so. Through us they have been given another chance at having a parent, an adult care for them and about them. That is a pretty special place to be IMO. It is not the easiest job to do but so worth doing.

I have always wondered if my SD33 wouldn't have her most difficual time with how her mother had treated her when she herself became a mom. She hasn't had kids yet so that remains to be seen.

Having my own kids has made it more painful to know what my mom could not give me as far as love and emotional support are concerned. It has also made me feel more sorry for her....she missed out on so much.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 6:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I feel the same way. Except it's my ex who takes her out to dinner, etc... and never punishes her. He's superdad and I'm the evil witch. Not her words, but it's how I feel.

You're angry because (I think) you feel helpless, abused, taken advantage of and under appreciated (or unappreciated!)

Know you are not alone!!

    Bookmark   December 8, 2008 at 6:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

you are not alone mom2emall! and your feelings are understandable! and yes it is not only stepfamily situation. at times i felt like silverswood. dad never yelled or got frustrated with DD. superdad. lol and I am the one always nagging about something etc

i think mom2emall, your SKs know what the reality is but they miss having a good mom so they create this illusion how she is so great. like believer said they create a fictional bioparent. poor kids.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 8:14AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh Psuedo have I ever been there!

I work downt eh hall from Child Protective Services and any employee there will tell you that even if a child's parent has blacked their eye and broken their arm they will LIE about it so as not to be taken away from that parent. It's sickeninig to say the least.

Kids will ALWAYS love their parents and and them up on a pedestal even when the sorry sacks of poo don't even come near to deserving it! It can be very frustrating for the one left busting their asses filling the empty shoes.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 12:57PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I have been exactly where you are, mom2emall. My stepkids lived with us and I did all the "mom" stuff, their mom would call and promise visits and then cancel them. On the rare occasion that they actually got to see her, they would come home bursting with love for their mother and how wonderful she was and how horrible I was. I was the one who took care of birthday parties, Christmasses, homework, boo-boos, last minute bake sale items, you name it, I did it. But for years, mommy was the hero, the most amazing person ever. Well, the kids are older now - in their twenties and late teens. And their mother is still the same. Still making promises and not keeping them, still taking off when she said she'd be there for them. My stepdaughter lives with her now, but I'm still the one she turns too when she needs something. The other day, she told me that I'm her mom now. She regrets ever having moved in with her mother, but now has to stay because she lives in the next town over and her work and school and friends are there. But her "parents" - me and her dad, aren't there and that bothers her. I do what I can, but it never seems like enough. All 3 kids have figured out their mother and know who their "parents" are. They still love their mother, but it's me and their dad who have created a home for them. What you do today, will come back to you some day. I thought that I'd never get to this point with them, but I'm there, and now I can honestly say that all the hell was worth it. Hearing my stepdaughter tell me that I was her mom, that I was the one who was there for her, was an amazing feeling, and I won't trade it for anything.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 4:32PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh how I can relate! Although I am new to the situation, married to DH for less than a year, I have been in my SC lives for over 2 years. BM didn't have much to do with them, but a call once a month or so if that. Once she caught wind of the 'new mommy' in the picture, she began to tkae more interest in their lives (the calls came once a week now). She still drops out of sight for weeks and then pops back up to let us all know how wonderful she is, and to give the kids some BS excuse why she hasn't been able to contact them.

She finally called them after 3 weeks past and the kids left message after message for her. She had yet another new number (5th number this year, no lie) for the kids to contact her. Tried calling her tonight only to find phone turned off...again. I think the kids are beginning to realize what Mom is all about, but don't want to admit it to themselves. She is still wonderful for calling them once in a while, and I am still doing all the work without any of the credit.

I do hope that years down the road they are able to benefit from my involvement in their lives, even if they never give me credit for it. I think I am more resentful of BM than I am angry. But there are those times....!

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 9:59PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
will the real mom please stand up!
I'm all confused. My kids bio-mom abandoned us with...
step adult kids
Where and how do I start.. my wife has two adult kids....
if I could tell stepmothers of adult children anything
My dad remarried last year, a year after my mother...
If I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
It seems my five-year-old topic has reached its limit...
Mellow with time
After 16 years, the strong emotions have subsided. His...
Sponsored Products
New Super Kazak Maroon Craft Pattern Hand Knotted Wool 3'x5' Geometric Rug H5143
BH Sun Inc
Tierra-Derco 50 Gallon Compost Tumbler - 9487
$181.98 | Hayneedle
WW 3528 Quad Row LED Strip Light 450/m 28mm wide 3.2m Reel
Cherry Blossom Red Indoor Area Rug - 2' x 3'
Grandin Road
Cook's Soap Liquid Hand Soap
$16.50 | FRONTGATE
Enzo I Satin Nickel Wall Sconce
$104.00 | Bellacor
VIG Furniture - Smartbase - Modern iPhone or iPad Dock Ready Glass...
Great Furniture Deal
White Marble Herb & Salt Bowl
$6.99 | zulily
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™