What to do?

smomDecember 17, 2010


I'm new to this forum. I need some help.

I've been married for a year now and I have two SK's, SD just turned 6 and SS going to be 3. I have always felt as though I was more of a babysitter than a stepmom. DH always assured me that I was like a mother, BM is definitely in the picture and she's a little crazy, but I just ignore her. Anyway, I'm here because this is the second time this happens. I usually don't let the SK's have candy late in the evening. DH knows this and once before he allowed the SD to have candy and told her not to tell me. She of course told me secretely what DH gave her. I didn't get upset, he wants to give them candy fine. However, last night he again did the same thing. This time, SD calls me over and tells me as a secret that DH gave her two pieces of chocolate and DH told her not to tell me. But the way she said it was more taunting than just telling me a secret. So this morning I told DH that SD told me about the candy, and he got somewhat upset that she told me, which surprised me. I asked why does he want to hide these things from me as it's just candy. DH stated well we don't have to go around saying everything. I of course felt upset that he is hiding something so petty as candy when it comes to the SK's. He apologized and said he hid it from me because he did not want me to be upset at HER. I would never be upset at her because HE gave something. I feel like an outsider now, like I'm just there to be the babysitter. I understand they are not MY kids, they are HIS and BM kids, but now I guess I don't know how I should feel. Should I be upset and be concerned or let it go?

Help. Thanks.

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I would be upset. This is a wedge being driven between the two of you. It's important for parents, even stepparents, to provide a united front for the kids.

He needs to man up and say "honey, I know you don't like to give the kids candy at night but I've made the executive decision and they're getting chocolate". Period.

If he apologized and understands what your issue is, let it go. But if/when it happens again, let him know you don't like being made the bad guy and being the odd one out. It's not fair and it will only damage your relationship with him and with the kids.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 10:50AM
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Ask him if it's okay with him if you keep secrets from him? (with SD or about anything) I see it more of a marital problem than step issue, besides he is teaching his child to be deceitful & someday she may be keeping secrets from him.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 11:14AM
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well you were only married for a year and he says you are like a mother? Really? Aftre a year? He said that? Why? BM is in the picture? Yet you ignore her? .Hmm I see a disater coming ....

candy at night is a dumb idea but why not letting dad deal with it? DH hides candy business from you because you get upset, start a fight, argue etc? Men hate confrontation. it is wrong of him to hide from you, he needs to be able to tell you to back off (nicelly of course) but i am not sure why are you monitoring what he gives to his children? You could explain to DH that candy is bad for their health and you really wish they didn't eat candy but ultimatelly it is moms/dads decision.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 11:15AM
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As someone said above, it isn't just candy.

In addition to the absolute bizarreness of conspiring with a 6-year-old, he's setting up a very bad dynamic with his daughter, grooming her to play the two of you against each other.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 2:41PM
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Amen Sylvia.

    Bookmark   December 17, 2010 at 3:41PM
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Amen to everyone. Do the kids live with you full time. If not, back off of the candy issue because if they are with you only every other weekend or only part time, this is something he wants to give special to the kids when they are there part time. If they are full time then some boundaries need to be set bc he is setting this up for future disasters. Especially with a girl who has an active mother in the picture and you say she is crazy. I do not like when SM tells my DD what she can and can't eat because then DD would come home (at 6) and tell me how to eat like SM does. It was do bad I got a court order. So do yourself a favor and let DH/BD handle the candy/chocolate thing. My kids get chocolate or a dessert before bedtime and then brush teeth and off to bed. It's a reward of sorts for good behavior, easy bathtime routine or whatever. Some nights they don't get it because of behavior or not eating dinner.

    Bookmark   December 18, 2010 at 2:32AM
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Well thank you all for your advice. I have decided to stay out of the "candy" issue and as you all adviced to let DD and BM handle that.
The reason it bugged me was because SS is being potty trained and we reward him with a small piece of candy which at the same time SS gets one too (I like to be fair), but SS was not wanting to eat breakfast, eat only a little bit of her lunch and not much dinner, oh but she would ask for candy. That's why I had stepped in and said no candy until she actually ate food.
Well DD apologized to me for trying to hide the candy. He understood what he was doing and what could happen in the long run. Anyway DD learned sooner than later about the consequences (actually later that day). SS decided she would make up a huge story and lie to DD about needing money for breakfast at school, when in fact she wanted it to buy candy at school. Of couse, DD found out about the HUGE lie and SS is now grounded when it comes to candy. After the advice you all provided and having LIFE (not me) teach DD and SS a lesson, I have decided not to intervene in what treats the children get or don't get.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2010 at 12:21PM
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