My stepmom

mom2emallDecember 4, 2008

I am venting a bit about my stepmom. She has only been my stepmom for a few years. I had another stepmom for most of my life, whom I loved dearly. She passed away when I was in high school. My dad dated different women a while later and eventually met my stepmom. We are only a few years apart in age, but she seems so much older so we have always gotton along well.

The problem is lately I feel as if she is hogging my dad! We live close to eachother and my dad used to stop by all the time when he was out running errands. Then she would call his cell nonstop. After a while the visits stopped. We did start doing dinner at my house once a month with them.

The problem is the holidays. 4th of July last year I wanted to have a party, but she said they were going to her familys. In October I had a birthday party for one of my kids and she was concerned that the date would interfere with a family party on her side. For Thanksgiving she told me in front of my dad that day was not open because they go to her familys each year. I looked at her and said "well maybe I would like to see my dad on some holidays!" She looked shocked.

I did end up having Thanksgiving a day early so they could attend.

Me and my dad have been talking about getting a summer vacation together with all my siblings (some of whom live out of state) and their kids. We have not all gotton together with the kids ever! It has been too hard to schedule. Anyways my dad was so excited about the idea and we were discussing it at our monthly dinner. Then stepmom chimes in with "well it can not be on ____ or ____ or ___ because my family has ____"

IMHO she can see her family any damn time. My family all lives out of state and it is hard to all get together so if she has to miss one of her family functions too bad....right? I mean if they are able to come out during the 4th of July or something then can't she attend our family function and see her family at all the other holidays?

Anyways the following month my stepmom called to say they were not coming to dinner because she had something going on with babysitting for her cousin. So I called my dad and told him he was still welcome to dinner. And he came. She called a zillion times while he was here! I finally looked at him and said "geez...she does not even loosen up the collar...does she?" My DH then joked with my dad about having a curfew.

Well I think my dad got it. My stepmom called me a few days later telling me that they were fighting and my dad was being mean. She then asked me about me and dh's comments and I said "well you did call and awful lot so I was joking around with my dad".

What do you think I should do with stepmom? I want to get along with her, but I also want some holidays with my dad!

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

i don't think it was approriate of your DH to make such comments. you guys could gossip when dad was gone, don't need to critisize SM in dad's presence. also i remember the issue with visits. dad has a young child. and i remember in the past he was leaving his child with mom and coming spending weekends wiht you and your stepkids like taking your stepkids running errands. it was probably way more fun for him than sitting home with a baby. i assume those visits stopped because SM didn't like it. i completely understand her.

on the other hand stepmom has to alternate holidays so some holidays are with your dad's family and some wiht hers. she cannot monopolize all holidays. i wonder if she does it because she feels resentful over those times when dad was spending weekends wiht you and your DH's kids, and she was sitting home with his baby. those things probably still are in her heart and probably still hurt. i suggest he talks to her about it.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 12:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

You're blaming stepmom and asking what to do about her as if your dad cannot speak up for himself. He doesn't.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 12:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I can understand having a dad that doesn't stand up to his wife. My father was that way. My mother ran the show or else. My brother allows the same thing from my SIL.

I don't think a little teasing form you DH is harmful with you dad. If he wants to go home and repeat it all to his wife then so be it.

I would sit them both down and be completely honest....Tell dad and SM that you love your father and want to see him more. Tell them that you don't want to cause trouble between them and you don't understand why having more time with THEM (don't just single out dad) would do that. If feelings have been hurt in the past you are sorry for that and would dearly love for things to be better.......I believe that if you approach it with your heart on your sleeve and in the spirit of true, honest love for your dad then you should have no regrets about saying it and then figure that you have done your best.

My DH and SD are flying to Ca. this weekend for his sister's 60th birthday. I would not dream of telling him that he couldn't see his family. I don't want to go but I won't make him feel like he can't. I refuse to live with the regrets of standing in the way of his relationships with his family. If he was going there 5 or 6 times a year I would feel differently but twice, for us, is what we can afford and he has my blessing. His father has passed. His mother is 83. He needs to go.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 12:37PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It sounds as though you and his wife are in some sort of competition for his time and affection. I imagine there are other issues going on. Perhaps she feels insecure - as though he would rather spend time with you and your husband, instead of her. You say that you are close in age, but get along well because she seems so much older. (seems older, or "looks" older)? My guess is that she does not want to share him so much with you. That she feels threatened, somehow. Do you have female friends that are around that make her feel threatened somehow...could that be why she calls constantly?

It sounds as though it would be a relief for her to find a counselor to talk her through what is bothering her, and what is making her feel the way she is feeling. It would be awful to struggle so internally with whatever it is with this situation that is creating the anxiety. If she can come to peace with whatever it is, I imagine all will be smoother for everyone...especially her.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 1:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I think the important thing is for you to be there for your dad. That was so kind of you to move your Thanksgiving. Keep inviting him, make certain you can contact him without her interference. She seems awful controlling and insecure. Make the most of your time alone with him, try to schedule a lunch now and then.

As to the vacation -- ask him when he is alone -- if the family cant schedule it so she wouldnt miss her family's stuff would he come alone.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 1:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

FD: My dad did not spend weekends at my home, it was just stopping by during the day or evening. And I understood that my stepmom wanted him home more, but I did not feel that his stopping by should stop altogether!

Thermometer: I do think my dad should speak up more. But the problem is my stepmom controlling his time. If she was not so insecure she would not feel the need to control his time so much.

Bnicebkind: My stepmom looks much older than our age. And most of the time she acts much older.

KKNY: I am able to contact him on his cell without her interference. I just wish that I could see him more and have him around on more holidays.

I did call him today to make Christmas plans and asked if they would like to come over for lunch on Christmas Day. I figured that would give them the evening free to do dinner with her family. He said it sounded good and he needed to talk to we will see what happens.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 1:51PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Oh, and if anyone is wondering why we do not go there to visit there are a few reasons.

First they have a ridiculous amount of pets and it drives my allergies and my ss's allergies absolutely crazy! My sm is not much of a housekeeper and their home is very cluttered and dusty and their home is very small and there is nothing for my kids to do there. So we have always used the pet excuse for them to just come here (didn't want to be insulting about the housekeeping issues). And before my sm my dad always kept the home tidy, so that is why I am saying my sm is not much of a housekeeper.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2008 at 1:54PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
New- Really need help..
Hi I am new here but hoping as people in the same...
how much child support do you pay?
Hi everyone. I have been a non-custodial stepmom for...
Step Son Help
Hi, Im Rowdy and have been married for 11 years now....
7 year old step son troubles please help
Hello everyone, I need some advise please. I have been...
husband has new found 21 year old daughter
I am having a lot of trouble coping. Please dont beat...
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™