Our marriage is failing
Dear all, I seemed to have ran into a dead end in my problem. Divorce discussion had already been arranged, and I have placed my firmed decision that only if I see some changes and effort from the other side, I will reconsider. My case may be a long, complicated one.
I am 23, I married my husband, 38, a widower, when I was 22. My husband is of a different race and religion. My parents initially refused to give their blessings for our marriage, I was determine, then in love with my husband, I was willing to convert my religion (to my parents dismay) and in my country there is no way you can convert back one you became a Muslim. Not legally at least. My parents were terrible upset yes, but they eventually gave their blessing and welcomed my husband (a great great actor I must say)
My husband has a 16 year old daughter, then 15, who seemed to be OK with the father's plan of getting married. After my husband's late wife passed-away, he found evidence that she was cheating on him, thus, he was angry and bitter for quite some time. He dated several, and about 15 months later, he met me and not long after that he proposed. Before we got married and moved in, the daughter seemed alright.
Before we got married, my husband still lived in the house that belonged to the late wife, with her things untouched in the entire house. You name it, clothes, makeup; everything was in its place as if she never died. Her photo was still at the bedside table, and my husband still wore his wedding ring.
I told my husband firmly that before I moved in, all of her things should be thrown away. And at that time, my husband mentioned that all of her things had been given to the daughter in the late wife's will. She was a resourceful women, she left behind properties and lots of money for the daughter. She passed down branded clothing�s (but the daughter is 3 times the mothers size) and handbags. I later on demanded that our room was to be free from all of her possessions and if he didn�t do it, I will, and I won�t care if I threw it out or not.
Believe it or not, even after I moved in, it was there as if nothing happened. I also told my husband that he had to change the mattress we were sleeping on because apparently, countless of people had been sleeping on that. After we got married, nothing was changed. My clothes were in suitcases on the floor and books in boxes.
Eventually one day, the maid and I started clearing up things. (This maid is the same maid who had worked for my husband for 14 years. She had also confirmed the same story about the wife's adultery to me one find day without me asking). I donated some old clothes that won't benefit his daughter in any way, and kept the few that she could use. I cleared up toys, makeup, shoes and you couldn�t believe how many were there. I was very bitter and upset that my husband didn't do it before I moved in. I was even bitterer that I, the new wife, had to do it instead! One day, he called the daughter to help us with the mother clothes. She started crying when she saw it and all worked stopped. The father and I then decided to do the work when she wasn't at home. (She goes to boarding school and only comes home on weekends)It started from here that our relationship soured. Eventually, months through our marriage, most possessions were gone, but our room is still laden with her belongings. My husband has helpfully forgotten what belongs to her and not.
When I had an argument with my husband, my husband explained that he didn't want to find anymore secrets of her passed that made him feel even more about his 14 years marriage to her being a lie. Little had he realized that I had received the full blown consequences of clearing up the late wife's possessions, something that he was supposed to go through with his daughter. The mattress was then changed after we return from honeymoon, and yes, we slept on it the few days after our marriage.
Now, my husband works as a pilot. He is well then enough to provide for his family. You can imagine that being the only daughter, she is spoiled. But mind you, I have never seen anyone so spoilt that she literally cannot do anything for herself. She doesn't know how to bring her plate to the sink, place her dirty clothes in the laundry, pick up the tissues flying all over the place after she blew her nose in it, wash her own menstrual dirty panties etc. She slams her doors (Her room doors are the only ones that seem to spoil all the time), hardly switches of the lights, watch tv and play loud music on her laptop at the same time, eats food on the table enough for 3 without even thinking if her own father has eaten. She demands to do manicures and pedicures (Muslims can only do them when they are having their menses), demands to go to concerts and throw a tantrum when she is not allowed to go out as she pleases. She doesn�t as or permission, she simply INFORMS. Even to her own father.
Now I was brought up a simple life. My parents thought me how to be contented, and though I didn't always have what I wanted, I learned to appreciate what I had and what people present me. I also had chores since young, was grounded or not given allowance if I didn't behave well. When I graduated from college and started work at 21, I rewarded myself with what I could finally afford. I worked part time in school and college to learn how hard it was to earn money for myself.
So when I was exposed to a house who relied solely on the maid (who neither listens not respect my position as the wife now) I was shocked to see such people exist. My husband had mentioned for me to teach his daughter some independence, but it looks like he didn't like the method used. There was no such thing as punishments, no grounding, or withholding allowances. Whatever it is, there is definitely no room for saying 'NO' to her. It further worsens when she was told to put the dishes at the sink, clothes in the laundry and etc. Worst when she wasn�t allowed to attend concerts with her friends. She had apparently been spoiled by her mother (anything she wanted apparently just to keep her mother�s then secret - as mentioned by the maid) and her father was usually busy with work. I gave her presents, of course, not expensive and terrible branded how I could afford. They were never appreciated and barely used.
Later on, just about 6 months after we got married, I had a terribly big fight with my husband. I was blamed for being too hard and unfair to her. I was blamed for not TRYING hard enough. From then on it changed. I shut up about everything. If there was something, it was done through my husband. I was not allowed to point out her mistake or teach her anything. She was to do as she pleases, eat whatever she wants and get whatever she wanted. Of course, it was bitter and painful to have someone so blind to just let his child further be spoiled to oblivion, but there was nothing I could do or say about it. I just pray once she hits 18-21 she doesn�t cause worst problems for her father.
Around the same time she had an argument with her father (on the phone message) which he showed me. She wanted to go to a concert and her father had said no. Doing so, she demanded that her father 'made up his own mind and not listen to Annie'. (yes, she calls me by name.) She mentioned that she didn't need my opinion or anyone else for that matter, she only needed his, her BIOLOGICAL father as said. She also mentioned that she didn�t need a mother because I was too young; she didn't need me to be sisterly to her either. She said she saw no motherly figure in me, because she doesn�t see me tuck her into bed, cook or clean at home. This is obviously teenage rage because I cooked and I obviously wash my own undergarments at home but definitely the maid does all the major cleaning. I barely see how a teenage girl needs tucking into bed when she locks herself in the room and boom loud music till midnight.
Later on, when I stopped teaching her chores and sensibility as a woman, her father started blaming me of being uncaring. Whenever my husband goes to work on weekends and the daughter is due to come home, she doesn�t inform me of her change of plans. Sometimes the maid and I wait for her to come back and she ends up appearing in the aunt�s place or such. When I am unaware of these changes, my husband and I get into a fight because he thinks I don�t care. He don�t accept how the daughter doesn�t bother to inform me (sometimes the maid knows better than we do) or even her own father. We countlessly have this fights, throughout my marriage, I had nearly walked out of that house twice.
There were times when her father scolds her for being messy and really lazy - he seemed to have changed a little. I didn't have to ask anymore. But the daughter knows that it was I who made this changes and she constantly thinks it is me who initiated the father to scold her. Moreover, even after a long lecture, she just seemed to repeat the same mistake 5 minutes later! I sometimes think she is just too thick...
There were several times my parents came over to the house. And one breakfast, she came down to see my parents at the dining table. She immediately went up and didn't want to eat breakfast there. The maid then later sent food upstairs to her. This happened several times where she didn't want to eat when she saw my parents there. Instead, the maid would take food for her. The first time my mom saw her, it was at our reception. (Mum didn't attend my solemnization...) She never did shock hands with my mum or anything at all that day. My mum was upset and she had since not liked my stepdaughter at all. (Need I explain that my mum and dad was the one who taught me to cook, clean, be independent and sensible??) There was a time when the daughter mentioned that she feels like she missed her mum when my parents come over and my mum thus felt only comfortable to come when she wasn�t around.
On to my husband a little - when I was cleaning up the wife�s things, I found cards they used to exchange with each other. Anniversaries, birthdays etc. However in my side now, I am always the one who gives cards and thoughtful letters or surprise notes to him. I feel how much he still loves his late wife despite what she had done, and it makes me terrible sad and angry. I feel that the both of them are not ready for a new woman in their lives. My husband seems to still be bitter about it.
At times when we fight, my husband thinks that giving me expensive gifts of presents would make me feel better. I told him a 1000x that I don�t need a Burberry handbag; I just wanted to spend quality time and him to be affectionate with me again, just like the dating days. It seemed too had gone missing after we got married... I felt bitterly alone and not loved at all�
I resigned from work not long after we got married, and earned myself a scholarship to continue my degree. Even thought my husband had mentioned he preferred me to study instead of work (the people u meet at work, he was worried I was going to end up like the late wife) so when I applied for the scholarship, he seemed to be supportive. But once I got it and started studying, he showed no sense of being proud at all. In fact, he didn�t even mention to his parents or siblings that I received a scholarship to study. It was really sad; I didn't want any of them to assume I married him for money. I only wanted him to be proud like how my parents were terrible proud of me.
Need I mention how much money and time my husband is willing to spend for his sports or certain things, even till he refused to buy the centrepieces for our reception (which I handmade horribly not long after) and how I saved a lot of money by DIY wedding stuffs? Alas, not long after that he bought a laptop (not really necessary) for something more than my centrepieces... Or how he would go out for sports the night I would see him before I left for a 5 days trip at work. There were other times where I just long to spend time with him before we won�t see each other for a while.
I posted angry thoughts and words on my blog not long after problems and surfaced, and when one of his siblings copy-pasted it to the other sisters, they mentioned to my husband, "May god protect YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER from people with evil intentions." Yes, I was seen as the evil one; everyone thought my intention was for his money. I had never asked him for fancy things like his wife had, I had only asked for his affection and for us to go for holidays together to spend our special moments. It was really upsetting and then on, I wasn't close to any of his siblings, it was obvious that blood is thicker than water.
One day, I posted an angry tweet on twitter. I said that once a person is lazy and stupid, not even the most expensive education can make them smarter. Little did I know, not long after that, even after I had deleted it, the daughter had taken my iPod (without me knowing I must say) and accessed my Twitter and Facebook. She then took photo (evidence I suppose) and twitted something else on her twitter, which caught the attention of her nosy aunt (late mum's sis). This aunt then initiated a conversation with my husband and his sister and I would say all hell broke loose. Of course, I learned my lesson. But my husband wasn�t at all receptive to me, nor did the daughter get into trouble for invading my privacy.
We had a terrible fight and this time I was already halfway out the elevator when my husband caught after me leaving the house. I hated my choices I was terrible angry and upset that my husband only sees my fault in this. I had firmly told him I refuse to do anything to make our relationships better, simply because whatever I did didn't work. The daughter ignores my gestures, and my husband thinks I�m not trying hard enough. I bought her gifts, shut up about the mess she does, drives her to the mall if she needs too, give her money if she asks for it. I bought her Swarovski crystal earrings twice (in replacement for the diamond ones she asks for) and of course that is like nothing compared to the Coach handbag her aunt bought her�
I felt terribly suffocated. It was then I told my husband that if he and the daughter suffered too much, just divorce me. (Muslim man can easily divorce, but a woman needs to seek legal help in court...) He refused, and told me to seek legal help instead. (Knowing it would cost me money and time and most definitely, nearly impossible - There are only several reasons a woman can seek divorce and emotional torture is not one of them). Moreover, the women had to forgo some matrimonial money (I don�t know what) and pay the husband the dowry given during the wedding�
But I had determinedly told him I will eventually, it solves the problem for all of us. After that fight, I mentioned to the daughter that she had just got the father and I divorced and not long after that she posted about it on the internet. She was definitely happy with the decision. (But her father had later mentioned to her that it was I WHO WANTED TO LEAVE HIM.)
My husband wasn�t too happy about the arrangement, he believes we can work this out and he loves me (I just wish he showed) but he is terribly caught in the middle. I told him I had suffered too long to even think about being happy as long as she existed in that house. We had set 3 years (until I finish my degree) and if things don't work out, we will consent a divorce.) I'm surely not setting my hopes high; I already know what kind of person they both are. It is obvious, if the daughter is happy and not cause trouble, the father would be ok, and that is, through a divorce.
Sigh, problems with the daughter is really difficult to handle. My parents don�t know about the divorce, but they had advised me to just ignore her because eventually she will go to college and grow up and leave the house. But when I started to ignore her, I am blamed uncaring. =(
I know she has been the root of our unhappiness. Problems surfaced with her tantrums, and even when I tried to reconcile and shut up, nothing happened. It�s really sad. I really don't know what can be done. But basically at this time, my heart is really set on leaving.
I love my husband, but I don�t think I love him enough to see my happiness go and suffer emotionally for a long time. I know I can be independent and find happiness by myself again. What do you think?