teenage stepdaughters not living with us are...

punkintmDecember 29, 2009

My husband and I have been married for 2 months but have been together for 3 yrs. After he moved in at that time his girls(now 16&19) came over to dinner to meet me. We got along famously, so much so, that their mother was so hurt she cried and was upset or jealous that it affected the girls so much that they have been giving me the cold shoulder ever since. They only call or see their dad whenever they need or want something, and just at their home and refuse to have anything to do with me. Right before our wedding in OCT. my husband aked the girls if they would please come to the wedding for it meant alot that they be there.the 16 yr. old she said yes she would come, then at the last minute called and said she wouldn't. He was heart broken. A couple days after the wedding he asked why and she told him she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if she did and it would have made her a hypocrite.that same nite for the first time ever he didn't show up at a school funtion and she said she was hurt and mad. why didn't you come she asked? he said "think about it" well for Christmas they wanted to take him out to dinner to give him his Christmas present, but stipulated that I was not welcome. when hubby said I was his wife and if he went I went too. they told him just forget it. I must iiterate here that I have had no contact with these girls except to send thoughtful gifts for christmas and birthdays to both via their dad on those occasions. What are we to do????all rplys would be helpful thanks.

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I would agree he did the right thing in telling them that you are his wife & not tolerate them treating you this way. It is not an easy thing to do, but my dad would not tolerate any of his kids treating his wife badly (my younger sister planned his birthday party at a time when his wife was at work and couldn't come) and throughout the years, there were periods he didn't talk to my sister because she was so disrespectful of his wife. She never grew to like my stepmom but she did learn to behave herself enough. This was over the last 23 years and my stepmom passed away last year. My sister STILL doesn't get that her insensitive comments hurt my dad... so some people may never change their feelings but they can learn to play by your DH's rules. We can teach people how to treat us.

Part of their behavior may be because they are teenagers. I started dating DH when my kids were in high school and they were not so thrilled.... the idea of mom 'having a life'. They are now young adults in their 20's and are getting much better. I believe it is because I have insisted that they treat my DH with as much respect as they would like to have and vice versa. He is part of my life and I tell them that someday, they will choose someone to spend their life with and I will have no choice and out of love for them, I will do my best to be kind, friendly, etc. even if I am not thrilled with their choice because I want to have a relationship with them (and my grandchildren). By the time they are dating ages, they should be able to understand that concept, but as teens living with a mom that may make them feel guilty, things may not get better until they are out on their own and can have their own relationship with their dad without their mom's input. It was that way with me. My mom made me feel guilty. I didn't see my dad a lot as a teenager but as an adult, I see him daily. I see my mom a few times a year at the holidays or birthdays. Your DH's kids will make choices as they get older too. My older sister lives by my mom and sees dad on holidays & birthdays.

There will be so many events in the future... their graduations, weddings, babies, etc. besides holidays. It gets under my skin when a parent puts their kids in a position to choose sides because of their own insecurity or issues.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2009 at 11:15AM
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When my SD did that with us (actually, she was thoroughly PO'd at Dad too) I used selective deafness and absolute density to 'engineer' a reunion.

When she was 16, SD wanted Dad to send money for school clothes. She didn't want to actually talk to him, so she left a message on our voice mail. She called back the next day and I answered the phone. I very cheerfully told her that we got her message and that we'd be delighted! to take her shopping for back to school clothes. She suggested that we just send a check. I very cheerfully told her "Nonsense! We'll send you a plane ticket and you can fly up here for the weekend. There's a great new mall with fabulous stores right around the corner, etc, etc..." She repeated that just sending a check would be fine. Which again, somehow, I didn't seem to hear... I just kept chattering about shopping and malls and fun and plane tickets and how much I was looking forward to meeting her... She ended up flying up for the weekend since I was so frustratingly stupid! (but rich?) -- and we all had a nice time.

It was underhanded, I know. But it worked out really well, and avoided a confrontation that would have been 'honest but ugly'. I knew she didn't want to meet me... But if I had acknowledged it out loud, then I'd have to act in a manner consistent with that admission. And sometimes it's so much easier to just 'fake it 'til you make it'--

I'd suggest you and your husband pull some version of the same. Always cheerful, but somehow never being able to go through with those activities that exclude you and always having a ready alternative that gives them everything they want (and more!) that does include you. And of course, never spelling that out.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2009 at 11:22AM
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could the reason they are upset be that he never introduced you to them up until you guys moved in together. most people would find it inappropriate and it would be rather rude to not meet the family prior to moving in.

my DD treats people with respect but she would be upset to meet someone the first time after I already moved in with him! it seems somewhat sneaky. it doesn't sound respectful of their feelings. people need to get to know their parents' choices somewhat gradually and get used to the idea, it seems they didn;t have that choice.

and since they apparently live far away they never got to know you, yet you are dad's wife already.

i also think it was wrong of him not to show up for kids function. it is silly to be vindictive with your children.

    Bookmark   December 29, 2009 at 6:21PM
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I think not showing up to that function shows them a lesson and was the right thing to do. THat is what my dh does all the time with his teen daughter. And says the same things. 'think about it' Your sd are almost adults, very important learning lessons here. For them not to show up at the wedding was wrong on their part to please their mother. They should be smart enough to tell their mother, hey i know your upset dad moved on but she's a nice person, she wont replace you , you will always be my mother, but i'm going to dad's wedding.
THey have been toghter for 3 years. Dad did introduce them to new gf, it was BM who cried and was totally against her girls getting to know bm and they refused to have anything to do with gf after mom cried...mmm...can someone say PAS. THose girls were 16 and 19. Old enough to decide what they wanted. They decided to 'not hurt mommy' and so choose to have nothing to do with dads new wife.
Completley wrong on those girls part to do that, to satisfiy mom. Completely wrong to do this to their dad who obviously didn't do anything wrong. He dated for almost 3 years before marrying
. Heres the clincher...if he moved in with you 3 years ago when his daughter were 16 and 19, they shoudl be 19 and 22 by now. Adults.
As a husband he has every right to stand his ground with his daughters. The reason for their rejection of you and his new marriage was completely unfounded. THey rejected you solely because mom cried. Well...its their loss now. THey chose to behave in this manner, then they will have the repricussions of their decisions.
The only advice to you i can give, is to keep inviting them. And hope they as adults realize , that getting to know you now, without mom interfering maybe the best thing.
There is nothing wrong, disrespectful about meeting someone after they move in. Moving in means its serious. And since when does an adult have to answer to kids to get permission to move into a place with his SO. He introduced his daughter 16 and 19 to his new gf who he just moved into with. Nothing wrong there. There is no disrespect there.! They didn't live with him , they lived with BM. If he had moved into gf house and he had custody of his daughters and didnt' say anything until they moved...heck yah! that would be rude.
And those kids got along great with gf that night until mommy cried and disagreed, then they gave her the cold shoulder. WHo is wrong in this?
I'm blowing steam..sorry. I've seen this BS way too often with friends and to me enough is enough. Those girls are adults. They will act like adults and respect you as his wife. You didn't do anything wrong. Bm is the one who poisoned them against you and now the girls want to see their dad separately ...dont agree. THey can come , get to know you , honestly get to know you without bm's interferance and then make the decision whether they want to hang out all together. Andif then they wantot see dad on separate occasions, then its ok.Not before.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 9:03AM
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Maria - Remember the morning that all the posts disappeared?

Well, that morning, the OP of this post added another thread clarifying this one. Seems she was 'The Other Woman' -- Hubby left BioMom to start a relationship with her.

Now she didn't say so explicitly, but I'm assuming the girls met her and liked her before 'The Big Split' and before realizing she was 'The Other Woman' -- Which to my way of thinking, changes EVERYTHING.

So my earlier 'benign deception' advice is hereby officially retracted. IMO, there was already more than enough deception here.

I'd also advise OP against seeking any kind of relationship with the girls until their relationship with their father is fully restored and strong again. Let their father repair his relationship with his daughters, and let the girls get their father back before inserting yourself into their relationship. Heck, even then, *don't* insert yourself there -- instead, keep things short, cordial and excrutiatingly polite.

With a relationship that begins post-divorce, second spouses have the right to start from 'near-neutral' territory. (Minor resentments are allowable, but at some point, fairness and maturity need to kick in, and IMO, the BioParent should insist upon civility from the start.)

But when the relationship precedes the divorce -- when the relationship triggers the divorce! Well sorry, but then the new partner starts from a deep, deep hole -- one they may never be able to crawl out of. They've lost any claim to the moral high ground, no matter how badly they are treated. Note: this does not excuse all forms or levels of mistreatment -- many can play in the mud. It just eliminates the right to call "poor me!" when it happens.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 11:42AM
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HOLY DINA!!!! I remember that post. I specifically said that because this person was TOW, the resentment would always be there and the fact that dad got them to meet her first, then the divorce happened, was so deceiving that the girls had every right to completely want no contact with this new woman regardless of how nice she was. She made her bed and should lie in it.
Punkintm, if this is you, if you were the cause of their divorce, you are in no position to cry boo hoo!!! This changes the grand scheme of things. You did cause their pain along with their father. This would explain why BM was in tears for the meeting. ITS BETRAYEL! by the very man she loved and entrusted!! And the girls were old enough to decide. Now i understand why those girls made their decision. It wasn't by bm's poisoning...its because you are the other woman. Why on earth would they go to your wedding? Are you serious? Are you that crass , for those to come who you betrayed?
You stay away from those girls. You stole their father away from their mother. You are in no position to be in their lives. ANd if they choose you to be, you'ld be one lucky person....ccause that alot to forgive!

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 2:00PM
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I'll repeat what happened again.2/07 we met at work.just friends.5/07 DH said he was leaving his wife and wanted a divorce.6/07 legally separated,left wife he said he would wait 2 years to finalize the divorce so he could pay for her to finish college and let the girls and her stay in house,she would be able to keep her insurance till she finished college.He paid all bills ,house, credit cards,cars insurance.Everything the whole time.bought her all new appliances paid off 75K in credit card debt of hers and house utilities etc.so that she could finish college.Started a relationship AFTER he left her,I didn't want to be the reason for the breakup.They had no marriage in his or her book.He moved in with me 7/07. His girls wanted to meet me in 8/07.we met got along great spent the whole day together got along well with my son also.When they left that evening they kissed me goodbye gave me hugs and said they couldn't wait for us to get together again.Told BM how happy they were that I was a nice person and fun to be around and then BM went off crying and hysterical. We met again for dinner 9/07 and it was pleasant but not as warm as first time. BM got in a tizz and after that the girls said they would see their Dad but I couldn't be around.Well that was all fine with us. Abided by their wishes.When came time for him to file for divorce and finalize then they got pissy with Dad and have had nothing to do with him accept to ask for money to go on out of state vacations with friends, big ticket items etc.he hasn't gotten b-day cards fathers day phone calls or nothing.but he pays big bucks to maintain them in the lifestyle they want.Divorce was done with 7/09 .We got married 10/09 and they are having nothing to do with me.Thats fine for me. My kids are 100 times better mannered and appreciative of this man.like posted shortly ago Therapist thinks BM has done them more harm than good so DH is just letting them go for his own peace of mind.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 2:41PM
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legally separated in July,
moved in with you in August.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 5:08PM
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I remember this first post as well as the 'clarification' second post. As the second post went on about meeting, not wanting to cheat, packing bags and leaving, love being love blah blah, then girls met poster as dad snuggled in with new roomie. Oh, and went on to tell us dad didn't want to bother with marriage counseling blah blah.

Yeah, Sweeny, finedreams and I all answered in the 2nd posting and then the whole posted thread went poof along with what I had first posted in this first post.

I suggested that perhaps dad would be interested in family therapy with his daughters to begin to rebuild relationship and that dad might be allowed to meet his kids on neutral ground minus the poster blah blah blah.

Bottom line, no matter what exact day dad decided to move or what exact excuse, uh, reason, he gave, all these kids see is one day they had a home, a mom and dad, and the next day dad packed and a new household with different partner in it is what they were confronted with. And that dad was now playing teen game of 'you hurt me, I hurt you' back and forth (via the wedding/school event) and that dad needed to raise above aka family therapy.

Good luck to the stepkids

My opinion and/or advice has not changed since the poofed thread nor since reading this 3rd post.

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 5:49PM
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2/07 we met at work.just friends.5/07 DH said he was leaving his wife and wanted a divorce.6/07 legally separated.He moved in with me 7/07.

met AS friends on 02/07 and moved in together on 07/07, how bizarre. supposedly relationship started only after he left his wife in may. so you started dating him in may but he moved in in July. so you dated a married guy only for 2 months before he moved in, wow. can only imagine what these kids think of you, what a role model

    Bookmark   January 2, 2010 at 9:35PM
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Pumpkin you can try and clarify this and try to reason yourself that you didnt' break up the marriage. SUre the marriage in his mind was in diar straits but the fact of the matter is, IS that he moved in with you two months after you met. Ie YOUR WERE LIVING AND DATING A MARRIED MAN!. And if you physically were not in the pic at all, he woudl have been forced to deal with it like a man. Go to counciling...or not go to counciling, move out :ON HIS OWN WITH NO WOMAN. Legally divorce AND THEN START A RELATIONSHIP. Hence why YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN.
Hence why these daughters are old enough to know right from wrong.
You are wrong. No matter what dates you throw at us! You could have not let him move in with you. That would have been the correct way of beginning. Remained friends until the divorce was done. and dont tell me, you couldnt' wait for love. I'm known people who came out of WorldWar2 to go back to the woman they loved after years!!!!
You are person who made the choice just like he did, to rush, to not wait, not let him truly leave him alone to go to counciling to save his marriage. YOU were the easy way out for him, regardless if he fell out of love with is wife and then quickly went with you. Is it true love? mmm..time will tell. Maybe he'll ditch later when he may fall out of love with you and go with another woman. Oh, while he is in the middle of separating with you.
When the tables are turned, and you look at it fromthe perspective i just wrote above, how would you feel? How would you feel if you were trying to save your marriage, but because your husband got quickly interested in another woman and didn't care to try and you had two kids involved. Do you honestly believe its about forgive and forget? Its not. Its life choices, You as a human beign and character, as your now new husband, also, are human beings who have made choices that have severly hurt and betrayed others. YOU have to accept that is the adult daughters here want nothign to do with you, its their RIGHT and if they drop their dad, regardless of how much cash he dished out, they have the right. To me the cash he dishes,,, was out of GUILT and out of DUTY. Not out of sincerity to support a lifestyle fo rthe mom. He owed her that much when he left, to at least finish her education so she can support her duaghters and herslef after the fact he abondonned them .
When you met, you should have stayed friends, let him live on his own not move in with you. Then begin somethign after the divorce was finalized. Not before. That is the morally correct thign to do , regardless if you are in love. Your not animals here. You could have controlled yourselves. But you didn't.
Hey just asked my own husbnad on the issue. Cause he also fell out of love with his wife of 19 years. Guess what. He said the biggest mistake this guy did was to move in with you. BIG mistake. He should have waited till the divorce was legal.

    Bookmark   January 3, 2010 at 12:32PM
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What goes around comes around. He will probably do the same thing to OP in a few years.

I'm sure the guilt of OP's DH abandoning his wife & kids for her will drive him into the arms of another woman eventually. It's a perfect excuse already in the making.


    Bookmark   January 3, 2010 at 6:19PM
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Shame on those that are judging this woman. This is a huge problem with woman. It's a lynch mob. Witch hunt. I read all the entries. Maybe you all instead should think about the fact that adults should keep the children out of things and not feed negativity to them in regards to the stepparent. Yes it's hard enough for them already, it is what it is and thank goodness this stepmother cares about them enough to do a little research. Again shame on you ladies, or should I say GIRLS. Bottom line is he left his wife, ended up with another and made choices because he was trying to ease the pain financially. Hey, he could have just disappeared and didn't. The stepmom is on the sidelines and props to her for actually caring. Good luck and stay strong from one stepmom to another :)... Your post helped me and I hope you didn't allow the negative comments to affect you...

    Bookmark   May 25, 2011 at 8:47PM
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