surprise stepchild

casper73December 12, 2012

I thought my partner was everything i wanted. We planned for and had a baby then 1 year later when we moved i found a video camera cassette and on the tape was a little boy having a birthday. ( his son is 16 months older than my own child)My heart sank and my world was shattered because i knew this was my partners son, why else would he have this tape. I was devastated. I confronted my partner and he told me that he planned to tell me but he knew i would have left. He also said she purposely fell pregnant and didnt tell him till she was 6months pregnant. Long story short i stayed with him because i wanted my child to have everything he promised. One year later we had full custody of his other son but I am really struggling with it. Hes a lovely child and im trying my best to raise him but my hearts not in it and im starting to wonder if i should take my son and leave. But i know i could never earn and provide for my son like his dad can. But leaving my son is out of the question. I also feel resentment especially because she voluntarily gave the son to us because she knew my partner was well off and demands money from us whenever she can and if we say no he thinks she will take the son back. I dont trust my partner anymore and i feel a fool but i feel trapped.

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I would like to know how others would deal with a situation like this. I would also like to add that my partner doesnt really think this is a big deal, am i just being stupid. I really feel drained because we are always fighting about this and sadly i cant forget the past. I was at home pregnant when he said he was going to his friends birthday, but really he was at his exes videoing his sons birthday.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2012 at 3:03AM
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I think you already know, but we all need reinforcements sometimes (do you have a mother or an aunt or some such who can help you?).

Your "partner" didn't tell you that he has a child, which is not only sleazy but an indication of his sleazy character-
if it worked this time, it might work again, & you could have 2 "surprise" stepchildren, or your son might be the "surprise" stepson of the next woman to come along.

He "does't think it's a big deal".
See above.
& really, seriously, not a big deal?
If son #1 isn't a big deal, how big a deal is your son?

Your child was planned:
This guy knowingly, deliberately *got you pregnant* while keeping a very big secret that surely would have had an impact on your decision to have a child with him.
manipulative, disrespectful, low, nasty, creepy.

He says he planned to tell you (uh...when?), *but he didn't* because he knew you'd have left.
so, knowing the situation would be unacceptable to you, he decided to just not let you know what the situation was.
not a decent way to treat anybody, let alone someone who thinks she's found a life partner in you.

He lied about where he was going when he went to the birthday party, which is actually more than one lie.
It tells you that he lied when he said "not a big deal" (then why lie?) & he lied when he said he "was going to tell you" about the baby (the child was a year old & he still hadn't told you, & he lied to keep you from finding out, ergo...he wasn't going to tell you. ever.)

& you've heard his version of events;
it would be interesting to hear what he told the other mother (now, really, would someone deliberately get pregnant because the guy had money & then genially hand over custody to the father? maybe, possibly another lie?), & it would be interesting to know what he told her about you.

Leaving this miserable situation might not mean you'd have to support yourself & your child alone.
You need to consult an attorney;
I'd bet that this father has financial obligations to his son, & maybe to you as well, especially if you've been a stay-at-home mom/partner.

& remember that treachery is nothing new;
you may feel stupid right now, but guys/girls/partners/people have been doing dispicable things to their nearest & dearest, & then accusing their nearest & dearest of just being stupid, for a long long time.

Put this in the past, & leave it in the past, & go on to live your life & raise your child in a happy, healthy, fulfilling way.

I wish you the very best.

    Bookmark   December 12, 2012 at 12:38PM
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OP, not sure what the laws are like where you live, but in the USA a person cannot (thankfully) just pick up and take a child away from the other parent, unless it can be shown that they are a danger or unfit parent. So despite your urge to run away and forget about this guy and leave it in the past (and I agree, what he did was just awful), it may not be legally possible. The father has rights his child, just like the mother.

Trust me, if lying/cheating to your spouse was grounds for having full custody of your kids, I would have taken them away from my ex wife years ago...but in this country, or at least in NY state, the behavior in the marriage has little or nothing to do with how custody would be awarded. All that matters if the ability to be a good theory, anyway. But I know that you just can't take your kids and run away...the law protects against that.

Good luck with whatever path you take....

    Bookmark   December 12, 2012 at 1:13PM
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