My pity party ... no other way to describe it.

pseudo_momDecember 9, 2008

Well long story short ... mom can slap and berate her children tell hubby about and I seem to be the only one who gives a flying f*(( about it....

Hubby's stance is she won't change so what can I do about it.

I called the DSS case worker who meets with us monthly and her biweekly he said have the counselor file a 51A spoke with their counselors the children told the counselors what she did and "there isn't enough to file a 51A(abuse/neglect complaint)"

So I have come to a realization NO ONE will ever hold her accountable for what she says or does to her children and that me getting myself in a tizzy over it doesn't do me any good.

No one who can do anything about it hold mom accountable I mean will say boo to her so she can just continue to treat her children any way she wants and no one will ever correct her ...

If I or hubby spoke to the children the way she did she would have taken them to the police dept and filed a complaint Had either me or hubby smacked the kid she would have filed a police report ...

The saddest part is the kids are saying they deserved it and my SS13 is saying he overreacted so thats why she wacked had he not overreacted he wouldn't have gotten hit.

I have decided to emotionally shut myself off from the children I know a hasty decision but I can't see myself caring anymore if the people who are supposed to care and help us/them refuse.

Big blow out with hubby tonight either he stands up for his children or I am out of here I will not put myself through this for another 10 years til they are 18.

Kicker that sent me over the edge was tonight planned a trip for the boys to their GM's mid january GM paying it would have cost twice the amount for UMinors so I told her I would go with them bought the ticket at 5pm.... mom called at 7 PM she wants the itinary so she can go with the "boys" so they don't have to fly alone ... neither hubby or the boys told her I was going with them already bought the ticket ...hubby said call my mom I think pseudo is already going .... mom says "well I am sure she won't mind us all flying down together" .....

I called her at 9PM and said are you going with the boys? (her)I have to talk to BF I said well let me know so I cancel with MIL she says I thought you were going to visit MIL I said ... I am not getting on a plane with you so let me know if you are going so I can tell MIL I will not be coming... and hung up the phone.

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I am shocked they cannot do anything about physical abuse. I had a student whose mom hit him with the belt pretty bad, he was about 14 at the time. he was immidiatelly taken away by CPS. his aunt got custody. after she attended some kind of parenting stuff he can visit his mother, I think he goes to her EOW for sunday only. But he is 16 now. I don't understand why children aren't taken away from her. is she just spanking or using belts or what excatly does she do?

why UM costs twice as much? maybe it changed. we never paid that much. maybe extra $40 and I am talking about 10 hour flight. wow if they would charge twice as much for UM, children would not be flying anywhere. are you sure you saw it correctly?

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 7:31AM
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Unfortunately, as long as your husband isn't willing to take a stance, he is letting his kids down and you are correct, there is nothing you can do. That has to be frustrating and exhausting. There have been times I've thought this is too hard for me to keep doing and I've only been in it a few years and my husband is supportive. I can't imagine what I'd do if he weren't on the same page as me.

I sort of understand why DSS won't take action on a slap or if she is berating the kids. When the parents are in the midst of a custody dispute or court hearings, etc. they don't want to be used as a tool for either side. Unfortunately, parents can sometimes get away with doing things that otherwise, they would jump in and take the kids away when they are in the middle of a court battle. If you have an attorney, I would mention it to the attorney & see if what she did, rises to the level of abuse/neglect that can be brought up in court. If you don't have an attorney, it can be tougher to bring up those issues in court because both sides are usually emotionally charged and if it was an incident that can be explained away on her side, the court might think your side is blowing it out of proportion and you will end up feeling even more frustrated... because it makes you look like you are looking for reasons to blast mom and it could backfire on you. An attorney would (or should) know if it's something the court will entertain and take seriously, although they can be wrong too. It is really sad for your stepkids. (and of course for you to feel so helpless and trapped)

I wouldn't get on a plane with her either. Do you think she is saying that because she wants to accompany her kids or because she knew you were going to visit MIL? (Has she ever flown with them to grandma's?) If she does go, would she buy your ticket or will you lose out on what you've paid for your ticket? What a mess, I wish I had better advice for you.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 8:56AM
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It must be horrible to watch the kids in this situation and have your hands basically tied. I don't understand why you DH isn't more involved in seeing that things change.

I am like finedreams....shocked that something can't be done. Are there bruises or any other visible signs of the physical abuse? Emotional abuse is no less damaging.

If you can be a port in the storm for these kids then you are doing much more than you realize. You can counter what BM says and does and rebuild the self worth in these kids. Since she is over the top with her actions I would not hesitate to tell the children how wrong she is in doing and saying what she does. I would also encourage them to speak to a counselor at school if they haven't already done so. That would document their at home situation. Anyone in the school system that they tell are obligated by law to contact authorities.

Would you mind being more specific on what is happening? What is the behavior of the children that sets her off? Is she overwhelmed with her life or just an abusive person in general?

I would be pi$$ed at DH also. I remember talking until I was blue in the face to my 1st husband about his ex wife's boyfriend. I KNEW something wasn't right but my husband wouldn't make waves. It ended up that the boyfriend was sexually abusing my SD. I knew something was wrong, I even asked her specifically and she denied it. Both bio parents had their heads so far in the sand that they couldn't see a thing....For me it is like the city not putting up a stop sign at an intersection. They have to wait until someone is killed. It blows my mind.

Hang in there. I hope that you DH gets with the program. I feel your frustration.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 9:10AM
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I was in a situation this past summer where i had to spend a lot of time with X's wife. although we get along and she is a decent person (nothing like pseudo's DH's X), but it was not always that easy (I guess for both of us) and I would not repeat it too often unless I have to. but I definitelly would not be getting on the airplane and going to stay in the same house if i would not get along. why would BM wants to be on the same plane wiht you? weird.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 9:13AM
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on the other hand if she just yells at the kids, it is hard to prove to be abusive. what excatly does she do? you are not specific. does she beat them up? just yells? did you say before that CPS are in both hers and yours house a lot due to the issues with SD? so is this a new development now or was she abusive to the other kids all along? i am confused.

also I think since it is yours MIl but hers XMIL you should be the one visiting. on the other hand my XMIL gets along wiht me better than my X's current wife and prefers me to be around (it is uncomfortable at times because X's wife knows it). who does grandma want to be there with the kids? i guess if it is her house, it is up to her who she invites to stay.

    Bookmark   December 9, 2008 at 9:24AM
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This is the first time the boys are going without the whole family to visit GM. It really wasn't double UM fee was $100 each so for a few extra $$ I got my own ticket so they wouldn't fly alone ... Mainly because BM is trying to convince everyone that SS11 is bi-polar and has anxiety too. I didn't want there to be any confusion about him so I thought I would go to and save some stress all around.

As for what BM is doing to her children ... granted my SC can be stubborn when they want to be and they have lots of sibling rivalry at her home ... it has basically stopped here there is no competition here (IMO) at mom's they have to compete for her attention so it seems the one who can behave the worse gets the most attention.

The boys were fighting with each other over the XBOX at her home so after she hollered and screamed at them for 45 minutes she began flailing her arms and hit both of them multiple times. (gee I wonder why they hit each other when they get frustrated)

SS11 was pushed out the door with only sweatpants on in 22 degree weather after he threatened to run away so she told to get the f&*( out and stay out.

She told the boys your dad has custody of you so if you never come back here I don't give a F^&* ...

SD screaming she wanted to come here and BM told her no daddy has no rights to you if I say you can't see him you won't. (mom has sole custody of SD)

BM screaming she doesn't even know why she had children if she knew they would turn out like this she would have never had any kids.

SS13 was told you're my first born I thought I could love you more than the others I should have never had you.

SD during all this had an "anxiety attack" mom told her to take a fu&%ing pill and get over it.

They had an I hate you more contest. Screaming at each other who hates who more ...

Most of this occurred on a wed night between 8:30PM and 10:30PM. They called here multiple times through the course of the 2 hours. And because hubby will not make waves or even call her and tell her to stop they continued to call .... no action on his part ... even though I was prompting him to go get them, get her on the phone, or call the police he took no action.

When they came home this Sunday at 3:30pm from mom's all 3 were in the same clothes they had on friday when left for school... all came in starving I asked didn't you have lunch no mom left early this morning so we didn't get breakfast or lunch she came home and got us to bring us here. I said I know you all are quite capable of making yourselves something to eat they then rambled off how there wasn't any milk or bread nothing easy only oven food ... and they are not allowed to use the oven with out an adult around.

We have had DSS involved in our lives since July when mom called because we didn't take SD's anxiety issues seriously and we didn't allow her to contact her mother.... DSS meets with mom bi-weekly because of her parenting skills and we meet monthly with them because hubby has sole custody of the boys.

In Aug 2 days before they went to court .... SS11 was flipping out because hubby wouldn't him play xbox so he put him in his room he called his mom 2 hours later (big ordeal) mom came and picked SS11 up and took him to the police station to file an abuse report against hubby because he physically put SS in his room. Then she filed an Ex-parte order saying SS11 was "terrified" of his father and shouldn't have to return home ... judge granted hubby sole custody of SS's.

So we asked SS11 if he wanted to file a police report against mom he said no ... I said well why did you against daddy he said mommy said he wouldn't get in trouble and she said he wouldn't be able to hit him anymore ... I said so its ok for mom to hit you but not daddy? he said yeah she's my mom she can hit me. I said no one should be hitting you when they are angry.

No bruises but emotional abuse doesn't leave visible wounds.

So after I calmed down and talked with hubby again we decided to sit the boys down and told them if you do not want to go there don't ... no one has the right to put their hands on you (but she's our mom she can hit us).

Hubby and I decided next time they call here like that he is to send the police there and also head out and pick them up ... if there is any hesitation on his part I will just be his wife I will step back completely from them and uninvest any emotional attachment I have to them ... (this was my decision)

I have to save myself before I can save them.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 8:22AM
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pseudo....Do the neighbors ever here any of this? I would be tempted to talk to them and urge the to call the police also. I am sorry the DH isn't more involved in finding a way to end this. I would contact the police if he didn't. Your life isn't going to calm down until this does. I don't think you can detach enough to be able to live with it going on in the back ground. So sad to hear what is being said to those kids. My mom used to say things like that. That hurts forever.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 9:37AM
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Believer ... thats what I keep saying!! no one calls the police I guess in her neighborhood its ok to behave this way.

I said to hubby why does she want to get on a plane with them? so she can whack them in the head and throw them off the plane when they misbehave?

BM would not be visiting with my MIL she would drop them off and go visit with her cousin on the opposite side of the state ... then return pick them up and return home with them .... pretty good being on welfare she can venture all of the place!!

I have to put in for the time off by Monday ... so I will and hope for the best either I go or not either way I will have a week off in January with no pay.

And I will say I understand why he won't stand up to her just frustrates me ... that people who can help us .... DSS and counselors are sitting back doing nothing....

He doesn't stand up to her because its worse on the kids but if he stood up for them and told her treat them right or don't see them it would be better than letting them go through this everytime they see her.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 9:54AM
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Weird that you are abusing SD because you won't let her take "pretty leaves" home, but BM isn't abusing when she actually endangers them. Hmmmmmm.....makes no f-ing sense!

Sure, in the short run DH sticking up for his kids puts them in a bad spot, but in the long run, they'll be better off. I keep telling my FDH this, but he doesn't do anything about it. FSD screams that she doesn't want to go to court. Who said she was going to court? Oh give me a break!

My mom had a very bad temper while we were kids mostly due to some severe hormonal issues that didn't get resolved until after I was grown. She said some of the most hateful things to me. She would never curse at us, though. She said that she wished she'd never had kids. Even though she had prayed for years to be able to carry a baby to term after having 6 miscarriages at all different stages. I knew in my head that she didn't mean it, but my heart was still hurt. She called my brother a son-of-a-b*tch. LOL! Funny....I know..because she's really insulting herself, but it was hurtful. Once, she thought I was sneaking out to meet a guy in just a t-shirt and panties. She chased me all around the house. I was scared to death because she looked like a mad woman! I ran out of the house and hid in the shadows until she came out and got in the car and drove around looking for me. I know she would've never physically hurt me, but the yelling and screaming and hurtful words were always damaging enough.

Guess what my dad did during all this? Not a damn thing. Here is this minister who can preach in front of hundreds and counsel others, but could not be a disciplinarian to his kids or stand up to/for his wife. The man could not stand confrontation. Not even for the emotional well-being of his cherished kids. Nope.

No offense to the men on this board, but from the dawn of time, Adam & Eve, men have sit back and done nothing while the women are forced to be the backbone of the family. Think about it. Adam COULD'VE told Eve "No, I refuse to eat that apple and I forbid you to eat of it, either". Did he do that? No. He said "well.....okay.....if you say so.....dear"

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 4:21PM
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believer dad never stopped my mom either. She called us every name in the book and hit us also. Mainly me because I would stand up to her.

When my parents would fight, everyday, and things would get REALLY bad my dad would come to us kids and say "If you kids would just be good everything would be better and your mom wouldn't be so upset."....I never got over that.

She had me down on the bed on time when I was 13 and was beating the crap out of me. I doubled up my fist and hit her in the face. I had to get her off of me. She never hit me after that although she threatened to. I would just step up to her and say "Go a head, HIT me!".......She did pull me down the stairs though. We had been arguing and I turned away from her and started to walk up the stairs and she crabbed my foot and pulled it out from under me. I fell down the stairs......Lovely childhood memories!

I threatened to go to the counselor at school and show her the bruises after the beating on the bed and my dad begged me not to so I didn't.

    Bookmark   December 11, 2008 at 4:42PM
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