Abortion dilemna

imamommyDecember 1, 2011

Ok, this is OT but I'm hoping to get some sound opinions/advice....

My DD21 has a BFF20 that just found out she is pregnant. She is scared, thinking of aborting. She lives with her BF & he was supportive of terminating at first but is now leaning toward wanting her to have it. His mom was also supportive of whatever they decided to do but she also is changing her opinion to thinking they should not terminate. Her BM is supportive of whatever her daughter decides to do, I guess she hasn't said anything opposing an abortion so my DD doesn't know for sure how her mom feels. She is also concerned about how to financially handle a baby as well as the impact it would have in her life. She is in school to be a veterinarian's assistant & wants to finish college & be more established before having kids.

My DD went with her yesterday to consult with the abortion clinic where she was shown a "procedural" video, explaining what happens & what to expect... physically. I don't know if anyone has talked to her or counseled her on what to expect EMOTIONALLY. Personally, I oppose abortion but understand why it exists. I am currently raising two children that have mothers that should never have had children. I also spent over 7 years raising three children whose mother should not have had children... she saw them maybe 10 times in those seven years. So, I see the devastation to the children when they are abandoned by a mother that didn't really want them... at least not enough to stick around to raise them. But, I also can't imagine life without my DGS2... he's an amazing kid & it pains me that DIL aborted his little brother or sister when she moved back two years ago.

Anyway, my daughter is torn and wants to be supportive of her friend but also doesn't believe in abortion... she is really upset over it. Does anyone have any advice on what to say to her friend? She scheduled the abortion for the end of next week so she has a week to think about it. I know no matter what she decides, it's going to change her life forever... well, it already has. I know that after DIL aborted, she began to drink more which led to the DUI accident that was the final straw in me getting legal guardianship of DGS. I know my cousin aborted 20+ years ago & still dreams (has nightmares) of the child she never met. I am somewhat concerned over how it will affect her emotionally if she has the abortion... will she be able to concentrate enough to finish school, will she self medicate with drugs/alcohol if she feels bad/guilty, etc. I don't know if my thoughts are overreacting because I've never been in that position. I chose to have my children, one conceived involuntarily at 17... I have always felt strongly against abortion since adolescence. I don't know if I could give her any useful advice without coming across that I am totally against it & trying to talk her out of it. I do believe it needs to be her decision because she has to live with it & guilting someone into giving birth to an unwanted child that may suffer isn't what I'd want either.

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I've had a couple of abortions and have NEVER regreted it, or suffered emotionally because of it.

The reason being I believe in abortion when necessary. Both times I got pregnant with someone who did not want a child. (And yes, I was using a condom both times but it failed) I was not going to put a child through a life time of not having a father in their life. I knew I would have to struggle to provide for them, maybe even go on welfare. I did not want a child to go through that either.

I think you are overreacting, IMO. If this friend feels ok with this abortion then she should go ahead with it. I know people will probably disagree and say she shouldn't destory this life, but really, is it fair to bring a child into world when you aren't fully prepared to take care of them?

"will she be able to concentrate enough to finish school, will she self medicate with drugs/alcohol if she feels bad/guilty, etc."

How will she finish school if she has a baby? She will probably not finish school, wind up taking a minimum wage job. She'll resent the child for ruining her life, and the child will not have the advantages of a mother that is fully ready to take of it.

"Anyway, my daughter is torn and wants to be supportive of her friend but also doesn't believe in abortion... she is really upset over it."
If your DD does not believe in abortion then she should respect her friend's decision to do this because SHE (the friend) is okay with it. No one else is carrying this baby except her, no one else will have to get up 3am in the morning to feed it, no one else will have to take care of this baby for 18+ years, (I know you say the father will be there, but we know that does not always happen) so no one else should have anything to say about this.

While I know there is never a right time to have a child, the times I did not want a child and had an abortion I have NEVER felt bad about it, regreted it, got drunk about it, etc. It was the right decision for me.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 3:11AM
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-- I don't know if I could give her any useful advice without coming across that I am totally against it & trying to talk her out of it. I do believe it needs to be her decision because she has to live with it & guilting someone into giving birth to an unwanted child that may suffer isn't what I'd want either."--

And that is basically all you can say to your DD. What her friend is going through is an extremely personal decision that the young lady and her BF are facing. But it is a decision that they will have to make on their own. Whatever the girl decides your DD just needs to let the girl know she will be there for her, one way or the other. It's not a decision someone else can make, nor should she have all kinds of people trying to make it for her.

Frankly I think the girl's close friends and family are just that, too close to the situation (emotionally involved) to keep their own personal beliefs and feelings out of any adivce they can offer the girl. The girl has three choices and she should be allowed to consider all three without feeling pressure one way or the other. All the friends/family can do is be supportive of whatever the couple decides. This is one decision no matter how much the friend/family cares about/believes about the situaion, they can not make for another person. About the most you can offer is the suggestion that the girl takes the time to carefully investigate all her options so that she can choose the best option personally for herself.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 5:27AM
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I think you are going to get replies that are consistent with the view on abortion that the person replying has. Myself, I am pro-choice. Before my mother passed away, she confided in me that she had an abortion with my father, before they were married (same as Amber, condom failed), because he was still in college (in the late 50's when it was illegal) and they were just not ready to have kids. They did not want to have kids out of wedlock and my father had not started his career yet, and would have had to quit school to support her and the child.

She said she had no regrets, other than having to do it "illegally" in the backroom office at a doctor's office. She said that made her feel pretty low...and she begged me to always support "pro choice" platforms, which I pretty much do.

As a result of my father finishing college, then grad school, my brother and I had a wonderful childhood, nice house on a lake, mom was a stay at home and was always doing stuff with us, we took great family vacations and never struggled financially. I am sure that things would not have turned out that way if my father had to quit school and support an unplanned (at that time) child.

Your daughter has two choices, either support friend unconditionally in whatever she chooses, or if she is so strong about her "pro-life" stance that she cannot be friends with somebody who has an abortion, then she needs to terminate the friendship. She has no business trying to get the girl to see things her way and not have an abortion, or to give her sh*t about it if she goes ahead with it. People have very strong views on the topic....the odds on anyone actually convincing someone to change their viewpoint are slim to none.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 10:55AM
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My advice?

Tell your DD to tell her friend to stop telling other people and asking for advice.

Why? Because no one else's opinion matters. No one else is going to raise the baby if she decides to have it. And if she decides not to go through with the pregnancy, everyone she tells will then have a different opinion of her based her choice. Her pro-life friends may well forever view her in a negative light. And even her pro-choice friends may view her differently...

She needs to do what is right for her. Period.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 12:44PM
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Ok, I am pro life. Period.

Sperm donor after having admitted to getting me pregnant and then impregnating another decided he didn't want my baby. He told me I had to get an abortion. I called the clinic and asked about it. They made me listen to something absolutely horrible over the phone. It was recorded and it spoke about what was going to happen. I did nothing but cry the whole time. I knew I could never go through that and I knew I wouldn't. I only called to shut up the @sshole.

I also had my first son at 16. I didn't tell a sole till I was 7 months pregnant. BECAUSE I was afraid they'd make me do so. My aunt who has a degree in social work called my dad and told him I could still get one. HELLO!?!?!?!?! That's a partial birth abortion and more wrong then anything in this whole world. My baby could live outside the womb at this point.

I had both my boys. I finished high school, I finished college. I found a wonderful husband. I am not rich but we have a nice home, we aren't destitute. We go on vacations, my kids play all kinds of sports. They have nice clothes. They have nice shoes. They are great students. It's not the end of the world to have a baby. Your life won't suddenly stop.

If you don't want to raise a baby the option of adoption is a wonderful choice. There are so many parents who cannot have a child that would love to have one. There are even instances where they will pay for everything including maternity clothes and an education for the mother. Why not look into this instead of killing an innocent life? I think the clinics should explain all of this to mothers before the procedure.

Ok, now don't attack me because I have an opinion. I feel very strongly about this...... mostly because some @sshole and a family member tried to get me to kill my babies.

I'll be quiet now. Good luck to her Ima.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 2:08PM
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I wasn't trying to start a debate on pro life vs pro choice. I mention that I am pro life because it explains my choice to have my kids, adoption wasn't even a consideration for me... but that is MY choice, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and opinions. I was looking for thoughts from anyone that knows firsthand how they felt following having an abortion. Everyone is different and views things their own way so there is no right or wrong, in my opinion.

I would respond to what Amber and Momof3 have brought up regarding the guys right to "choose" so to speak. Amber says the woman should have all the say because she is going to take care of the baby for 18+ years and guys don't always stick around, even if they initially want the child. That is not always true. My exBF raised his 3 kids and during the 7+ years I was in the picture, the mom saw the kids maybe 10 timse. My SD's mom has 3 kids... she let grandma raise the oldest, DH is raising SD & now that the oldest is a teenager, she moved near BM when this 3rd baby was born and spends a great deal of the time taking care of mom's newest attempt to keep a man in her life. I am also raising my DGS2 since he was 9 months old because his mommy didn't want to be a mommy. There are lots of guys that step up, even if they had no say in whether the pregnancy continued or not. Momof3 admits her ex would not have chosen to have the child she chose to keep, yet he is referred to as "sperm donor". I know these views are shaped by their experiences and I raised my three kids alone, without support or help. I did have a BF for 7+ years, but also raised his kids during that time. Like Momof3, I chose to have my kids... I worked 2 jobs most of the time, went to school at night & started my own business before I finally met my husband. Money was tight when the kids were young but they were loved & cherished... some kids that have stable, financially better off parents live in homes where they don't feel loved & cherished. So, I agree with Momof3 that a baby does not have to hold you back from finishing school and going on to have a good life.. and I disagree that the child will be resented. However, I will say that I do believe that it takes TWO people to make a baby and those TWO people should have a say in the decision to keep, abort or adopt out the baby. They don't have to agree, but they should both have a say. I know the laws do not allow that, but that is my opinion on that. I do not necessarily think it's fair to call a guy a deadbeat when he did not want to be a father but the woman chose to continue the pregnancy. If you are pregnant & the guys says to abort, he isn't ready to be a father... he may want to finsih school & build his life before he has kids (or he may want to be a bum & knows he won't ever want to support children) and she says no... then it really isn't fair to call him a deadbeat, is it? My ex walked away too. He never visited or paid support, but in retrospect I think my child was better off to NOT have him in her life. The children that he had with his wife suffered much more than mine did. But, I also believe it is unfair to a man that a woman can abort a child he may want. If a woman can choose to have a child against the father's wishes to be a father, why don't men have the right to ask for full custody of the child that is half his? I'm not trying to start a debate over whether my opinion is right or wrong. I know its a hot topic and I am hoping nobody gets offended.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 4:59PM
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I don't know if you read my other threads completely. But "sperm donor" who wanted me to get an abortion got me pregnant ON PURPOSE!!! He fully admitted to it. He did NOT want me to get an abortion UNTIL he had another baby coming 3 months later and I REFUSED to stay with him. Again, he begged me to stay, I left.... that's when he decided I should abort. If he couldn't have me he didn't want my baby either, why then should he get the choice to not be my baby's father because at that moment he wanted nothing to do with him. He wanted the other girl to keep hers because after I rejected him he stayed with her. He has always seen and visited that baby, just always chose to ignore mine. During the past 12 years he has begged me to come back to him at least 20 times. I obviously refuse. IF I returned to him at any given moment, he would want my son.

I agree to a point that a guy should get to help with a decision on the child, but I don't agree that my guy should have been given the choice. When I contemplated adoption for my oldest son, his father wouldn't agree to it and said he'd take him if I did that. That's not what made me keep him but he had a choice in that matter.

When bm of ss got pregnant she asked my dh if he would be around because if not she was pursuing other directions. Obviously she never intended to stick around to begin with.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 5:21PM
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Momof3, I wasn't trying to attack you. I relate very much to your situation... my daughter's father stepped up when I was pregnant with my son (not his kid) and wanted to be a family... I got pregnant with my DD & he was working out of town to better OUR life together. He wanted us to be a family but then while he was out of town working for his "family", he decided he was lonely & started seeing another girl... got her pregnant not long after I became pregnant and THEN decided he didn't want me to have mine. I made the choice to go it alone without his sorry *ss. He has never paid support regularly or saw her, nor my son that he proclaimed to "always be there for". IMO, we were better off because he bailed. If he had remained in our lives, it would have been more heartache for us. I never counted on his money or help... I was never disappointed to not get it. (yes, I resented him during some hard times but I had the best of him... my daughter) I married 6 years ago & he found out a few months later, he called me to ask why I didn't wait for him because his marriage was not great & acted like I still had a chance with him... ha, like I wanted one! BTW, he didn't stay with the mother of his second child, born four months after my daughter... he ran off and married (shotgun style I hear) a teenager he knocked up. He is still married to her and they have four or five kids together... and they've let the rest of their families raise those kids. He actually took custody of his second child from the mother & then left the state, leaving that child to be raised by his mother. So glad my daughter never had anything to do with his family at all.

As for mothers that don't intend to stick around... I can actually respect a mother that knows she does not want to be a mother & leaves her child with the father or someone that will love and care for the child without causing problems. My DIL, so far, has accepted that she does not want full time responsibility for her son that I am raising. She does want him to know she is the mom but she sees him once a month or less. My biggest beef with SD's mom is that she left her kid & spends all her time with SD, trying to convince everyone that we took her away from her and SD believes she could go live with mom if we would let her when BM never tried to take her and wouldn't take her if we packed her bags today. But, BM wants to alleviate her guilt or look like she's a caring mom to her friends and kids...

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 5:55PM
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just exactly every single thing sweeby said.

    Bookmark   December 1, 2011 at 6:32PM
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I'm going with Sweeby here as well.


    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 3:13AM
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What if it was an adult female friend, very recently widowed, who was now the sole parent of their already existing children? And the doctors told her that continuing the pregnancy was a huge health risk to her - as in, she could die?

Or what if doctors told your adult friend that the fetus had some ghastly problems that current medicine could not help, where the baby would live for a few weeks at most, and those in horrible pain?

Or the parents already had a child with serious mental or physical issues, which required an incredible amount of time and money to care for? And they feared that there simply would not be adequate resources to care for another child who would be born with the same set of problems?

My hypothetical scenarios were meant to be situations that no one would want to be in - most of us would never presume to tell someone what the "right" or "best" thing to do would be, because the choices are so awful and the potential consequences so serious that we'd never want to influence anyone else's decision on something so serious. We'd simply try to do our best to support whatever decision our friend made, knowing that it was a very difficult choice for her.

Perhaps the young lady in question's scenario doesn't appear to be as drastic or the possible results so serious - but they could be. No one can predict the future or what might happen. My opinion is that in almost all cases it's the same answer "I know this is a tough decision for you. I know you will make the best decision that you can. I will support you because you are my friend and I care very much for you."

In other words - what Sweeby said.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2011 at 10:39AM
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