SD and DD question:concern
When I met DH, DD was 6. Our relationship moved fast but I didn't introduce them right away. So we did good by getting to know each other first before I let them meet. Once they met, they were a perfect match. DH did not have children and had not been married. Over time I realized that DHs parents had made a huge mistake in only having one child bc DH was a little selfish and is VERY spoiled by his parents. They never had a girl so although they treaded lightly with DD, they quickly became #1 fans of American Girl Doll and craft stores. They are amazing to my DD. Love her to pieces. DH loves DD too. He is so attached to her and sees her as his own. All of that great stuff. Well DH and I had a son. Of course in laws are very equal with both kids and they are not the actual issue but DH sort of acts like he is jealous when his parents buy for the kids but don't include him. They will send gifts to the house and put DHs name on the box but then it's just for the kids and he literally acts 'hurt' that they forgot him. Lol I laugh because being the third in my family, I often was forgotten and so seeing this almost 40 yr old man pout cracks me up. Ok so that's not really my problem but I kind of wanted to give some background.
Here is my issue. DD is almost 10 and recently she has become more 'manipulative'' to get what she wants. But in a loving way. If that's at all possible. If she wants to watch tv she will cuddle up to us and love on us and then in her sweetest voice say 'can I watch something''. Well if we aren't watching anything then I say yes. DH says no. Period. His reason is that he bought DH a flat screen bigger than ours for her room(against my better judgement thank you) and she can watch in her room... Well I get that but sometimes she wants to hang out with us so I don't see the problem. He sighs really loud and just goes to his office. I am ok with him going to his office bc I don't have an office and some days I wish I could go to 'my' office. I tell him, well if DD can go to her room you can go to your office.
Second, he isn't soft in his words with her. Sometimes he will tell her to do something and he is harsh. His dad wad his way so I assume he is being like his dad. I am ok with this because his parents raised a very well mannered, law abiding, respectful man and that is how they did it. On the other hand, she is not a boy and I am in complete belief that boys and girls should be treated differently. I think girls hear things differently than boys. Like my son, he doesn't blink when DH tells him pick up toys in the same tone and it doesn't bother me. But when he says it to DD she gets sad and lowers her head like he has hurt her feelings and it hurts mine too. When I talk to him about it, he says she is manipulating me. I don't think every thing DD does is a manipulation. I think sometimes she does but not 100% of the time. (she is 9 1/2 almost 10).
So what do I do? I have read books on raising boys and girls and I think he is doing a fabulous job with our son. But with DD I think he is slowly pushing her away because he is stern with her and not loving enough.
On the other hand, like tonight they cuddled and watched tv together and he told me he just melts when she gives him that kind of attention .. But then and hour later it's bedtime and he isn't sweet an kind he is back to drill Sargent stern. He has never yelled or raised his voice at her but he just uses a tone that I think any girl would feel like he is mad or annoyed. I think annoyed is a better word. So I asked him, is something wrong? He said no I just heard you already once tell her to take a shower and she sat there continuing what she was doing so I backed you up. I said I do appreciate it but can you be nicer? He said I was nice.
So as she is walking from the shower to get dressed, she stops at the tv to see what he was watching and he says go get dressed. She says I am!!! And slams her door. Ugh! I know he is doing the right 'fatherly' things but why does it bother me.
I love their relationship but I am affraid he is going to push her away. He says, I'm not here to be her friend (which I know) but are we really running a boot camp?
I heard him tell our son while getting dressed the other day (who is 3) 'this is not a democracy, this is a dictatorship and no you can not wear batman again today' I laughed so hard bc my son was like huh? I want my batman shirt ... And guess what he wore? Batman!!! Lol
He is such a softy but yet he is not... What do I do? How can I get him to see that girls are different than boys and that she just needs a little more 'caressing' than he needed as a boy? He doesn't seem to get it when I try talking to him. He gets offended and what he hears is, you don't love my DD and that is not at all what I am saying. I just want him to be a little kinder when it's just something little and not just say she is manipulating us bc I really do not think she is doing that 100% of the time.