hubby is about to get a foot in his behind.....

incognitomomNovember 10, 2011

My ss and younger sd are both driving me crazy and he is allowing it!!

My sd is in sports and hubby does not get home till 10pm from work during the week (he is on afternoons). Anyways she consistantly volunteers to stay after practice and help put equiptment away. I have asked her and told her repeatedly not to do so anymore because we need to get home. I have a little one to put to bed and I am tired(her practice ends at 9pm). Also besides her and the baby I have 3 other kids at home! She also has a shower to take each night and homework to finish so she does not have hte 10-15min extra to do this each night. I have threatened to call her coach and tell the coach she is not allowed to keep her after practice (though it is not hte coach keeping her it is sd volunteering)

Well she keeps doing it anyways and I keep telling her not to. So yesterday when she did it again I reamed her out when she got to the car. I asked her who the heck she thinks she is disobeying me day after day (this is not the only thing she disobeys me in). I seriously laid into her for the 10 minute ride home and when we got home I continued to yell at her about it because I was that mad. I told her I was done driving her to practice and done picking her up and done attending her events because she does not listen to me. Sd pulls the fake tears act and acts like she cares...though I know if she truly cared she would have listened to me in the first place!

DH comes home and I freak out on him about it so he yells at sd. She then tells him she hates it here and she wants to go to foster care! (she knows bm will not/can not take her).

So dh turns into a jello mold and comes to me telling me I need to make up with sd. I say no and he tells me to please do this for him. I say I am not speaking to sd because she has not listened to me for the past 2 weeks that I have been asking her not to stay after practice. So I have not talked to dh or sd since yesterday.

Onto ss. He has been a monster lately. The kid is 10 and cries about everything when dh is around. We go grocery shopping the other day (right after lunch which ss didn't eat much of because he "wasn't hungry"). As we go to walk into the store he starts crying and telling dh he is starving. Dh then says he will get ss a "snack" in the store. I give dh a death stare and when ss is out of earshot I remind him ss was not hungry for lunch and dh says ok and didn't give ss anything in the store. When ss starts crying over it again dh coddles him. I was ready to put the kid in the cart like a baby since he was clearly acting like one!

Last week my family was over and we ordered pizza. SS decided he did not like the pizza we ordered and refused to eat dinner. So dh was ready to make him a seperate meal, but ss wouldn't agree to anything dh offered. Finally dh started feeding ss the pizza....seriously holding each piece and letting ss bite off it. I looked at them and asked dh why not just give ss the plate of pizza. Dh said he just wanted him to eat even if it meant feeding it to him. My whole family was literally staring at them in disbelief. Now when I talk to my family they joke about it because it was that ridiculous.

I am beyond annoyed. I almost look forward to when he goes to work lately because ss behaves then. He does not pull that crap when dh is not around because he knows I will not put up with it. SS used to have issues like this and my dh got really good at putting his foot down and it stopped. Then my dh got put back on the afternoon shift and is not around a lot so when he is he lets ss act this way again. It seriously makes hubbys days off miserable for me. I can not just ignore it. The day after the grocery store I ended up grounding ss from all electronics and telling him it was because of how he acted. He cried to dh about it the next morning and after he went to school dh tried to fight with me about it. I just told him too darn bad....even if he can handle his 10 year old acting like a 1 year old I can not and will not do so. If he does not want me punishing the kid then stop allowing him to behave this way.

So I am again the mean one. And it is stressing me out.

Oh and dh stayed home from work "sick" today because I had told him I was not driving sd to/or picking her up from practice tonite. And if she did not go to practice tonite she can not play this weekend. Lucky for her and dh she is off practice tomorrow because of the holiday. Sd has been trying to talk to me all day....not saying anything but kinda being near me a lot waiting for me to say something.

If you read all this you are awesome!!

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What is with all these kids suddenly thinking 'if I can't have my own way I wanna go to foster home' and finshing up the line with 'I hate livng here'?

Feeding pizza to a 10 yr old (in front of family no less)? What was your DH thinking? Yeah, the SS might be feeling a bit misplaced because of a new baby and all that (DH working seconds and SS being in school really limits the time he has with his father), BUT treating the SS like he was the baby is not going to 'help' the problem. Your Dh needs that 'boot' your title mentions to be a big heavy one. I wonder what SS would think if Dh told SS he'd be coming to school to hand feed the child (not that he really would). No one 'feds' SS at lunch at school. No one comes by the table and makes sure SS loves what is beinf offered and no one there gives a crap if the SS actually picks up his fork and sticks it in his mouth. The kid either eats it because he likes it, carries a sack lunch, or goes hungry that meal.

Pizza would have been my offering. If SS really really hated the pizza (and not just didn't want to eat what he usually likes) he might have gotten one different choice. if that was not suitable, he'd be reminded it's a long time to breakfast and he could eat or go hungry...his choice. And at ten it would not be me running out into the kitchen and fixing SS the second choice. It would have been something he could 'zap' and or fix (safely) himself. In your case, I don't think it's the food, it's the attention from Dad he is seeking. Perhaps Dad needs to find a bit of time on his evenings/days off to appoint to the son. With five kids giving each one a few individually is going to be tough, but DH needs to make the effort no matter how tired he is. Each one of the kids needs to feel they are 'special' and loved by Dad and that Dad is there for them. Feeding the kid pizza by hand isn't that.

Does SD have someone on the team she's friends with that could do the practice running? She's being deliberately childish and self centered on the 'staying late' thing. Dh playing sick to take her is about as silly as him feeding the SS pizza. I don't know why she is feeling so defiant on this, but in my house she'd get three choices 1)come directly out after practice 2)find a friend she can ride with or 3)she's no longer on the team.

I realize SD tossed Dh for a loop with the 'I hate it here, I wish I could go to a foster home', but he needs to discuss with her her feelings and he needs to remind the SD that even fosters homes have rules and expectations. it is unrealistic to think she'd have everything all wonderful, that whoever her foster parent/s were they'd let her do what she pleases blah blah. There would be rules and expectations just like there is at Dad's house. Nobody at her age gets to make their own rules and do as they please...she's out of luck if she thinks 'just the perfect foster home exist where the child gets to call all the shots and suddenly her life will be all rosy'.

Talk to your DH, but do it when things are calm. He'll be more willing to really listen to your viewpoint. In the heat of the moment everybody gets upset and defensive and can't really stand back and see and hear things like they really are. You have a housefull, you two have got to find a way to be on the same page and support each other. It's five to two, you/Dh have to find a way to show them you two are a strong standing team.

Congrats on the baby! Having a new one in the home is bound to be big adjustments for everybody. It's another reason that it is important that DH do his share of really parenting these kids (instead of just giving in to them)even when it comes to defiant kids acting out threatening to 'hate' you/him (or not eat) if they don't get their own way. You have seven people in the home, you have to have rules and expectations and you and DH have to support each other.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 6:20AM
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Oh Ink...

I read it, I have no advice. I'm so tired of fighting and butting heads with people. It's enough to make me want to run away and become a nun.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 10:02AM
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justmetoo you have some great insight...thank you!

And silversword I felt like telling sd that I wish I could go live with foster parents too! lol

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 1:47PM
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When DD gets in trouble and says "I miss my dad" I look her STRAIGHT in the eye and tell her:

I miss MY dad TOO!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2011 at 3:07PM
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"When DD gets in trouble and says "I miss my dad" I look her STRAIGHT in the eye and tell her:"

LOL, not long ago my DD21 told me that when she was younger, if she got in trouble with me, she would cry for my exBF that we were living with. If she was in trouble with him, she would cry for me. If she was in trouble with both of us, she would cry for her bio dad that she had never met. I think it is just normal for kids to think the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence & cry for or want the person that isn't upset with them.

Our counselor told me last week that he isn't concerned at all that SD12 doesn't like me. He said if your kids aren't mad at you, then you aren't doing something right. He says it's normal for kids to fight the structure & rules the parents set up... they get angry at the parents for having the rules but deep down, they feel safe & secure because of the rules. The whole fantasy about foster care... if they only knew that foster care means you have NO control over where you live or who you live with... they might not like that plan so much. They just think of it as getting away from the rules YOU have... not realizing that the rules in a foster home could be much worse... with people that don't LOVE them.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 12:51AM
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Nicely said, Ima. I do get the 'you are the meanest Mommy in the world' label every now and then. My going to be 12 yr old next month just announced the week of Halloween 'Mom, can't you DO something with Dad?' ...Dad, told her 'no' to something and she wanted me to march right in there and make him say 'yes'. Oh, no little girl, Daddy gets to wear the 'meanest Daddy in the world' title this week!

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 5:59AM
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My ds11 also pulled some of that recently. We got home from New York on Tuesday night about 9 pm. I got the mail when I got home and there was a post card for the honor roll breakfast for the middle school. He had been invited but it was the next day at 7am and you had to bring a dish. We had so much to catch up on I just couldn't get there. (We hadn't gone to any of ds16's breakfasts in middle school and he didn't care..... I then worked those days everyday with little pto) Anyway, ds11 texted me that he hated me and that I am a liar. I responded with "Well, I love you and you don't talk to me like that"... He texted back the same and that I spoiled his breakfast. Needless to say dh looked at the texts and he is now grounded from his phone till after Christmas. This is the kid that's a serious mama's boy. I know he doesn't hate me, he just gets a serious attitude.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 6:14AM
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"My going to be 12 yr old next month just announced the week of Halloween 'Mom, can't you DO something with Dad?' ...Dad, told her 'no' to something and she wanted me to march right in there and make him say 'yes'. Oh, no little girl, Daddy gets to wear the 'meanest Daddy in the world' title this week!"

That's so funny. My DGS2 was at dinner with me & DH last night. He kept trying to climb out of his high chair by pushing the chair away from the table but DH put his foot against it so he couldn't move it. DGS looked at me pleadingly & said "gramma?" and I put my foot against the other side and told him no, stay in your chair. He hesitated for a second, looked at DH pleadingly & said "honey?" (he calls DH honey because I do) but DH repeated "stay in your chair!" and he looked at me & said, "honey won't let me get up!" wanting me to do something about it. It was so funny, it was hard to keep a straight face. He is 2.5 and his goal is to divide & conquer the "parents" that won't let him do what he wants.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 9:56AM
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Ima, that is sooooo cute that he calls him "honey". I love it!

    Bookmark   November 12, 2011 at 11:17AM
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