How do I let go?

wittsend98November 16, 2010

I have been in a relationship for 10 years I have one BS who is 12 and he has one BS who just turned 18. My problem is that I have tried to be a mother figure to SS son for the entire 10 years. I feel that I have not had the support or encouragement from his father. I have tried very hard to guide SS and his father in a positive direction concerning school work and freedom issues.

We had custody of both of our boys untill recently when SS started getting into alot of trouble with the law. After many court appearances and police visits to our home. (our house was also vandelized by SS friends.) During all this we found out that SS was getting high with his BM. Shortly after this Father agreed to allow his son to live with BM .I know this sounds horrible but SS made it clear that his loyalties lyed with his mother including lying in court about his mother and his activities. Please dont post to contact a lawyer, or children services because we have done both with no help.

The most recent problem is that he ran up several months of cell phone bills that I pay for. When I called him and sternly told him to correct whatever he was doing on his line to cost so much or I would have to shut off his line. (I will admit that I was madd but not yelling)I told him that I was not intending to be hateful but I could not afford to pay $200-$300 for a line that was supposed to be $10. He told me to "Go ahead and shut the phone off you F ing B####" and then told me that me " you and my dad need to send me some F##### money." There has been other instances of name calling from him about me to my 12 yr old son.

Today SS called and talked with his dad after 4 mo. of no contact and not returning any phone calls. He asked for

money for a class ring within 15 min his father was out the door to deliver. I am furious not about the money as much as I feel that I deserve a apology(is this childish). I was the one who finally found out that he was doing drugs and had to tell his father. So I dont know if he blames me for everything that has happened. The majority of the fights that me and his father have gotton into has been over one of the two boys.

My questions are many:

Is it possible for blended families to work? I feel that ours is being forced.

How do I keep my advice to myself? When I have always felt that I was watching a train wreck.

How do I give up? I admit that I am deeply hurt but I Love my SS and feel that I have failed him. So mix in a little guilt with all the anger and I am all jacked up!

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doesn't sound to me like you're watching a train wreck;
you're the one in the stalled car at the crossing, being smashed between the oncoming trains.

I've been in, not exactly a similar situation, but one with parallels.

Your "partner" should at least have told his son that your expenditures for the phone have to be reimbursed & he has to apologize to you for his verbal assault before there's a discussion about class rings or anything else.

These 3 have their "family", & you're not a part of it, you're just a victim for them to use.

There's just no future in being the one in the stalled car, waiting to get smashed.

I'm sorry.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2010 at 2:24PM
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You're in a relationship? Not married? 10 years is a long time & can make you feel comfortable or dependent or maybe it's a long time to invest, just to walk away. But, if you are with someone that refuses to support your efforts in helping to raise his child or he won't step up to deal with his own child in an appropriate manner & you can't find the strength to disengage to leave raising or dealing with his child, with him... then my opinion is, it's time to walk away. Just the decision to allow the child to go live with a mother that he knows is doing drugs WITH the child, lets me know that he isn't much of a prize father... I don't know how you can respect or care for someone that would do that? I know I couldn't.

You can spend another 10+ years trying to be a mother figure to your stepson, but the reality is that he has a mother & he has a father... boys model from their father & the father has allowed him to become a juvenile delinquent & go live with a drug using mother that shares the drugs WITH their child. You are fighting a losing battle! I'd high tail it & get my 12 year old far far away from that mess...

Is it possible for blended families to work? YES. It takes lots of work & it takes cooperation from everyone. In other words, both parents need to be supportive & do what's in the best interests of their children, which is avoid conflict. I think that's easier said than done in a stepfamily situation because divorce, marriage, & kids are all highly emotional issues.

How do I keep my advice to myself? You ARE watching a train wreck & you are not going to stop it... if you don't back off, you will be in the middle of it & that makes it very easy to become the scapegoat that caused the wreck.

How do I give up? You are feeling guilty, but you did not fail anyone. His parents have failed him & you get the blame.... not a fair deal for you. You give up when you no longer want to be the one in the middle of someone else's mess. It's not YOUR problem to fix, your son is your concern.

    Bookmark   November 17, 2010 at 3:17PM
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