I thought she had matured.....this is long

mom2emallNovember 12, 2009

This is not sf related, but I need to vent. I have a large family and one of my sisters is daddies girl 100%. He ALWAYS defends her no matter how wrong she is and because of that she has always made such a mess of her life. She never accepts responsibility for her actions and always has her hand out for daddy to pay her bills after she blows her money on stupid things.

Now she is 19 and a new mom. I have really been trying since she got pregnant to be there for her and show her the right things to do. I was hoping she had grown up from all that has happened in the last year, but she keeps just showing how immature she still is. I am frustrated and disgusted. It started with her lying on her babys birth certificate about who the dad is because her and her new bf want to pretend they are this complete little family and my sisters ex does not exist. Now the ex is taking her for a paternity test and she is livid that he says if he is the dad he wants his name on the birth certificate, etc. I tried explaining to her that his reaction is normal but she was freaking out.

My sister has gone through all the attention seeking phases that you can go through when you want to pretend you are so different from everyone else. She did the goth phase, the suicidal phase, the cutting yourself phase, the tattoos and piercings phase, the partying phase, I'm a lesbian phase, etc. She also started claiming to have depression and anxiety and started going to a dr and got put on all kinds of meds for bipolar and depression and anxiety. When she got pregnant she stopped taking all the meds cold turkey and was completely normal her whole pregnancy. She was happy and pleasant and making good decisions. She was in all kinds of social situations like her baby shower with 50 people and had no problems with it!

Then yesterday she started in with me about some new pretend issues and I called her out on them and told her that her focus should be on her child now, not making up attention getting issues. she did not like that and it got ugly and turned into one of those everything but the kitchen sink arguments. Maybe I should have not called her out on it, but I just can't deal with her attention getting fake issues anymore. Its been going on for years and people have to stop buying into the crap. She needs to start acting like an adult.

Anyways she called my dad crying and he then said that he refuses to come over to my house to celebrate my other sisters birthday next week??? Instead he will go to her house and he tried telling my stepmom not to bring my little sister over to my house. My sister even called my stepmom and told her she should not come to my house because then I will not realize I was wrong and apologize to her!!!

My dad was sending me text messages last night telling me how wrong I was and I should leave my sister alone. I called him and told him that this was a stupid argument and he should stay out of it. I pointed out that everytime he gets involved in her arguments he finds out later she lied about things and he looks like an idiot. He started telling me how wrong I was and bla bla bla. I aksed him when my sister will have to start acting like a grown up and stop pretending to be on a teen after school special. He did not like that and hung up on me. I went to bed and almost 2 hours later he started sending me texts that I needed to stop sending my sister text messages because she was not responding to me and he could barely hear her on the phone because of all my texts going through. I told him what time I sent my last message to her and told him that I was sleeping. He told me I was lying because my sister told him I was still texting her!!

I think I am going to go crazy with them and their drama. I turned off my cell last night after that and just recently turned it back on. I have actually made up my mind to not even accept phone calls or respond to texts for at least the next week.

Is it me or is this crazy???

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This is crazy. It's not you.

How awful that you're dad got involved in this, this makes it really complicated. Butt, by the sounds of it your dad should know better, yet he chooses your sister's side without listening to you, that is not on.

Sometimes I wish text messages didn't exist, or mobile phones!!

You do not need to apologize to your sister, she needs to pull her head out. Sounds like that is not going to happen anytime soon though, and now there's a baby in the mix...what a mess.

What usually happens when you have a fall out? (Assuming similar fall outs have happened)I mean can you predict what will happen next, how is this usually dealt with? Does she come around? Does she stop to think? And what is your SM like?

((hugs to you))

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 5:02AM
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One thing both you and your father need to remember is that bi-polar can run in cycles/episodes.

Just because she made it through 9 months of semi normal behavior does not mean all better/cured. She was also in a happy time with a BF new baby coming blah blah. Now the trauma of birth, dealing with stress of a newborn and an old BF who is challenging his parental rights.

Could be her bi-polar has been triggered.

Just something to keep in mind when both you and dad get dragged into this.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 8:51AM
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If it wasn't for your sister being 19 and mine being 26 I'd think we were related! My sister has done almost exactly the same things and my parents have almost exactly the same reactions.....defend the baby. But I just want to scream at them SHE'S NOT A BABY ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

She and I had a HUGE blow-up a few weeks ago because she was living with me and acting like she was a teenager on vacation. I thought she had grown up from living away for a couple of years, but I was so wrong.

My heart and DS's heart are now broken into a million pieces and I don't know when we will recover. The hardest part is that I put DS in a position to get hurt because of my own poor judgement.

It's a long story and it had been building for weeks, but it eventually came to a head when she slapped DS across the face on a Friday morning and then went to stay with my parents over the weekend without talking to me about it. She wouldn't even answer the phone when I tried to call and talk to her about it. As a matter of fact, I even talked to her briefly after it happened (I didn't know yet) and she didn't say a word to me about it.

My mom called the next Monday and tried to defend her actions. I'm sorry, but she's an adult and she needs to have self-control. No matter what DS did, she should never think it's right to hit someone else's kid. It's not her place to punish my son, even if he is wrong. He's TEN YEARS OLD, for God's sake!!! How can my mom defend someone hitting someone else's kid for any reason??

I don't know the answer, but I'll tell you what I did. I wrote a very long, thought-out and detailed e-mail talking to her about the situation and giving her my point-of-view and releasing a lot of pent-up hurt in the process. I did send it to my mom, but we have never discussed it.

I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders just being able to release those things in a constructive way. Maybe that would help you or maybe not. But it sure did help me!

Good luck!

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 11:42AM
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She does not really have bi-polar. It was just another excuse her and my dad came up with to defend her actions and lack of self-control. I guess similar to people who get their kids diagnosed with adhd when the real problem is just that nobody has taught them how to behave and medicine is an easy fix!

And my sister had the same counselor since she was little who bought into it (after my sister went online to find all the signs and symptoms of bipolar and approached her counselor with these symptoms as her own). It was like a get out of jail free card for my sister. My sister has never been held accountable for her actions and this has only made it worse. After her mom died when she was 6 all consequences for her actions went out the window. I remember her stealing jewlery and money out of my room a year later and then admitting to it in counseling and the counselor saying "well _______ did you steal from your sister because your sad your mom died?". To which of course my sister said yes. Even though there was no connection between her mom and my stuff. Just another time she did not have to take responsibility for her actions!

Or there was the time she threatened to push my pregnant stepmother down the stairs if she did not get an abortion. And there was the time she did push me down a flight of stairs. And there was the time she hit my stepmom. The list goes on and my dad always defends my sisters actions. I think she does these things because my dad gets himself all worked up afterwards and plays hero to her.

There is a big age difference between me and my sister and I have told my dad since she was little that he was doing her a major disservice by always making excuses for her actions.

In past disagreements my sister calls my dad with half the truth and gets him gung ho on defending her. He calls me and tells me how wrong I am. I try to tell him whats really going on and he hangs up on me. Days go by and I refuse to talk to either of them and then he listens to the whole story and gets mad my sister made him look like an idiot because she lied to him. But he never does anything about it and does not apologize to me because of course its not his fault my sister lied to him.

I am just sick of it and them. My sister was texting and calling me all night till 3am. I finally turned my home and cell phones ringers off at midnight and it I saw this morning it had continued for 3 hours after. She went onto a networking site we both use and posted all kinds of nasty untrue things about me. She also posted how she was going to come kick my a** again. Posted how she was going to go to my kids school and tell them all they were mistakes and their parents hate them, bla bla bla.

I reported her for abuse and cyberbullying on the site, but not sure if they are going to shut her account down. I also forwarded all those messages to my dad and then he responded by telling me to leave him out of it!!! LOL I told him he put himself in it and I was just warning him that her comments on there could be enough to call the police and get her in some trouble. And I pointed out that showing up at my house or my childrens school would for sure result in police action. Then he told me how it was my fault she is acting this way and I started the argument.

Well all I started was calling her out on her pretend issues.

The whole thing is crazy and I think it qualifies them for Springer!

The funny thing is I am always nice to my sm but sometimes I disapporve of her actions. But through this she has been calling me and telling me how wrong my dad and sister are. She even said that my sister called her and told her not to come to my house next week for dinner because then I would not have to deal with the consequences of my actions! My stepmom told her that she and my other sister are coming to my house still! My dad even tried telling her that she was not allowed to come to my house with my little sister! LOL She pretty much told them both they were crazy. And then my dad got mad and asked her why she always defends me! I almost peed my pants after laughing at that.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2009 at 5:37PM
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Sounds like your sis has inherited her immaturity from your Dad- I don't think he's acting like a grown up in this either....
My commiserations.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 4:43AM
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I agree with coleenoz, your dad is not very mature in this situation, you are lucky you didn't inherit immaturity trait.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 7:45AM
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Sometimes I think I was either adopted or switched at birth! LOL

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 11:19AM
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sorry ashley you had to deal wiht it, this was very wrong of your sister. if my brother touched my DD i would smack him so he would always remember. so unacceptable and unexcusable

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 11:34AM
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I think that anyone who has a child at 19, a history of cutting and violence against others, and a bipolar diagnosis isn't making up the fact that she has problems. Even if the bipolar diagnosis isn't legit-- you have to be pretty messed-up to think that faking bipolar is a good idea.

None of which makes the situation okay. I think that you're already doing the best thing you can right now: you're putting some distance between yourself and your sister and you're cutting off her ability to call/text you when you don't want to hear from her. I would also think about disengaging from your father, at least on this topic. It sounds like it would be a lot more peaceful for you that way.

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 11:46AM
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I think I would get my cell phone bill reflecting the night you were allegedly text stalking her, highlight the fact you weren't, mail it to your dad with a little note that said "If you continue to ignore the black and white, in print proof my sister is lying and believe every word from her mouth then I don't have room for either of your BS in my life."

But , like I said in another post I'm getting sick and I'm cranky. :-)

    Bookmark   November 14, 2009 at 1:45PM
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"Posted how she was going to go to my kids school and tell them all they were mistakes and their parents hate them, bla bla bla."

How could your father say to leave him out of it when she's saying things like this? This is SERIOUS and is the time when he SHOULD be involving himself!

Finedreams - thank you! I would never lay my hands on someone else's kids in anger! But, for some reason, my parents try to justify it. Funny, though, in all the talks that came up, my sister never mentioned how SHE was talking bad about me to DS(and her daughter admitted it to me). I'm sure they would've justified that, as well.

    Bookmark   November 16, 2009 at 3:44PM
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So last night my sm and lil sis came over for dinner, cake, and presnets to celebrate my lil sis's bday. Because they were coming here my dad felt the need to go take my other sis and her bf out to dinner. My dad called my sm when he got home because she was not there yet. On Tues nights we all have a show that we love watching so my sm stayed to watch it with us. She texted me later that my dad of course was mad at her for staying here and watching the show with me because he is mad at me.

So I was thinking.....am I too old to be adopted? Maybe I can have some normal parents this time?? LOL

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 9:52AM
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too funny...

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 3:52PM
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I agree with Sovra - she sounds like she has some major issues. I really really hate to ask this but it was the very first thing that jumped out at me - could there be some abuse issues involving your father and your sister? Your sister sounds like a poster child for sexual abuse and your father's behavior towards her and her actions sounds very inappropriate...

    Bookmark   November 18, 2009 at 8:33PM
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No I do not have any belief that abuse happened. My dad has always been like this with my sister for two reasons. 1-her mom died when she was young and he thinks that he is doing her good by always letting her do what she wants. 2-he likes drama and wants to be in the middle of everything!

Today my dad "attempted" to make up with me in time to come to my house for Thanksgiving. He had my sm call me and tell me that if I just let this go and never speak of it again it can end! LMFAO

I told her that I am unable to accept that whenever my sister is mad that my dad feels the need to jump in the problem and get involved. I said that I asked him to stay out of it and instead he was nasty to me and would only listen to my sisters side of it all. And when my sister went overboard and I tried to talk to him he told me to leave him out of it. And from the very beginning he said he was not coming to my home to celebrate my youngest sisters bday as a way of proving his loyalty to my other sister or something! I said that I could not let these things go without an apology.

My dad told her to tell me that I had a choice....either be right or be happy.

I said that I am sick of the way he always jumps on my sisters side and tries to play hero for her. And he was dead wrong in deciding not to celebrate my youngest sisters bday with me and my kids because my other sister was mad at me. And I said I can not just let it go and pretend it did not happen.

She repeated it all to my dad who then told her to tell me to "go to he77"

    Bookmark   November 23, 2009 at 4:54PM
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Well, sorry to chime in late, but good on you for standing your ground! You know if you don't he will keep doing this nonsense. See how he tries to suck your SM in on the phone calls having her relay the information? Good grief!

I am really surprised a man of this age would want to be around all the drama, strange?

Anyway, I am glad you did not cave on this. He owes you an apology and your youngest sister too. Just because he's "Dad" doesn't make him right.



    Bookmark   December 6, 2009 at 11:09AM
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Well we are still not talking. He had my sm call me today to see if I would just drop it and agree to not talk about it. I said I will let it go when he says that he will stay out of disagreements between me and my sister and stop playing favorites. He told my sm that is like an apology and he won't do it.

So I told her to tell him to call me when he is ready to agree to stay out of disagreements between me and my sister.

I hate not talking to him but I feel like I HAVE to stand my ground and I think down deep he knows he was wrong and that is why he is trying to get us to make up and brush this whole thing under the rug.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2009 at 3:08PM
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--"He told my sm that is like an apology and he won't do it".--

Oh, my. All he had to say was "I will keep my nose out of disagreements between your sister and you in the future", geez, he could have simply said this and still believed your sister was right and you wrong or the other way around but he was not even willing to extend the 'olive branch' that much? So I guess this means that the next time sister wings out at you, he'll be the first one to jump in the middle again?

This did not have to be a 'she's right/you're right' (or wrong) just a request for dad to keep his nose out of it. Looks like sister knows exactly who to run to when she causes problems, time for dad to stay neutral.

Did your sister and you work things out?

    Bookmark   December 6, 2009 at 5:45PM
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Yes, my sister and I made up not too long after the argument.

My dad for some reason feels the need to constantly play hero to her and it drives everyone else crazy!! I even told him that everyone else sees it. I told him that he can listen to her complain about arguments with me, but he should just stay out of them. I told him to ask any other adult he knows if they would get in the middle of their adult childrens arguments and they would most likely say no.

But it does not look like there is an end in sight for this disagreement.

    Bookmark   December 6, 2009 at 8:23PM
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Just a thought; since your dad is always on your sisters side; how about she has a talk to him about this issue. She should be pro-active in helping solve the fall-out of her actions. She knows that dad chooses her side and she used that knowledge, so now she needs to set the record straight with him, and stand up for you. Just my two bob..

    Bookmark   December 6, 2009 at 9:08PM
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Agree with Yabber, thats a good idea. Still think Dad DOES owe you an apology-good grief. I think he is wrong and he knows it but pride is standing in his way.

If you cave, he'll continue this.

Why is it some men just have a inability to apologize? DH has only apologized to me ONCE in 10 yr.s and that's when I pointed out to him during an arguement he could never just apologize even for something he admitted he was wrong about. His apology: "Well I'm sorry you feel that way."


Stubborn, stubborn. I'm so glad you & your sis have it sorted though. Perhaps this will motivate him to just suck it up and if not apologize at least agree to mind his own beeswax.



    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 12:19AM
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Last night my father called me and told me that he is sorry that I feel like he favors my sister. He told me that what I see is that she asks for more and he gives her more help than he gave me. He said that I was always self sufficient and needed less help from him so he did not offer it. He says that it says a lot of good about my character that I have done everything on my own. He said that he knows that he is probably doing more harm than good when it comes to my sister. He also said that in the future he will stay out of disagreements between me and her. He will only lend an ear, but not comment or get in the middle!

I hated the almost month of not speaking, but I think it really gave him time to think about things. And my stepmom really let him have it over the whole issue and had the same opinions as me.

    Bookmark   December 7, 2009 at 10:49PM
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mom2 that is GREAT!! I just knew if you didn't cave he would stew on it and realize that butting in is not worth losing your daughter over.

Good for you, I'm so happy that he manned-up and said what he said. (Kinda sorta an apology-but hey I'd accept that!) And most of all he realizes he is not helping anything by butting in & won't do it again.

Yea!! So nice to read this! I'm proud of you for sticking to your guns!!


    Bookmark   December 8, 2009 at 3:18AM
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