My husband and I have been married almost 1 year (in 2 weeks it will be our one year anniversary), but we've been together for 4 years.
He has a little girl and I have a little boy. They are both 9 years old and go to the same school with the same teacher.
My son has not seen his real dad since he was a year old. So the only "dad" he knows is my husband, his stepdad. My husband does not want to be a dad to my son, he wants to be my sons "friend" and this really breaks my heart.
My husbands daughter lives with us 50% of the time and with her mother 50% of the time.
We both are very protective over our own kids. He is really loving towards his daughter, always giving her lots of hugs, kisses and presents. I am exactly the same with my husband. But neither of us does that for each others kids.
My husband lets his daughter get away with behavior that my son would never get away with. If she does something wrong, like lies, behaves disrespectfully or hits my son, then all she gets is a five minute lecture on how that is not nice. So, she does it on a regular basis because there are no consequences. When my son behaves that way, I pull him aside, have a talk with him and there is a consequence. He knows that lying or being rude will not be tolerated.
When I ask my husbands daughter to do something, she'll look at me and walk away, most of the times she pretends I'm not there, ignores me, says rude things, and hits my son alot, she has thrown a rock in his eye, a book in his face and punched and kicked him countless of times. Every time I get so incredibly upset, because I don't want violent behavior in my home. Both my son and I are not accustomed to that.
My son is way to passive to do anything back, and when she threw a rock in his eye, he just cried. He doesn't have the heart to hurt her back. I was so angry, because all my husband said is " don't do that, its not nice. My sons eye was swollen and red and he cried for about 15 minutes nonstop. There was no consequence to her behavior.
I've tried so hard for the last 3 years to make this marriage and family work, and now, I don't even care one bit. I've taken her out, I've bought her presents, and spent tons of time with her, I even tuck her into bed, hugging her, and telling her I love her, while my husband has never done any of that towards my son. In the last 4 years, my husband has not even told my son he loves him once.
My husband sees how I don't interact much with his daughter and he is very quick to discipline my son with extra chores & apology notes if my son ignores him or doesn't do what he is told.
Since then, I've become really closed off towards my husbands daughter and my husband when it comes to "family time" or "family" anything. I can't even call her my stepdaughter. In my mind, my son and I are a family and my husband and his daughter are family. My poor son feels very left out when he sees his "stepdad" and "stepsister" hugging and playfighting together. He says to me, why doesn't he love me? Why can't I have a REAL dad that loves me and does things with me? All he ever cares about is his daughter, and he doesn't care about me at all. I wish you never got married to him, because I was so much happier when it was just you and me. And on many occasions, I feel the same way. I've contemplated leaving at least every 3 months in the last 4 years. It doesn't seem to get better.
I don't know what to do anymore. I love my husband. I can't stand my stepdaughter. My stepdaugther is cruel to my son. My son resents his stepdad.
The whole thing is a mess. Any advice would be so much appreciated.