Step-Parent Adoption

KimzMomNovember 19, 2002

I would like to adopt my stepdaughter, hubby wants it too. Egg donor has had no contact for 2 years, is 8K in the hole for CS. We offered egg a deal that if she signed away her rights, we would wipe out the arrears and future. You know what she said......she still wants contact with my SD and will let us know when.

This sucks......

Any ideas of how we can get this accomplished?

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RosieL

Its sad. But .. she IS THE mother. As low as she might be, she is at least not able to be bought out! Question is ... why do you want this sooo much? She gave birth and raised her until the time she allowed Dad to have her. Its between the Mom and Dad. You are already legally the step mother. What difference does it make. Adopting her will never make you the bio Mom and the relationship you develop with her will be the same either way depending on circumstances of personality and input not on "title". Her bio Mom will still ALWAYS be the bio Mom. What's the problem? What are you trying to accomplish? Help me understand. Give the child love, understanding, discipline and you will be more to her than a legal title. What if your relationship with DH falters, if he dies young... and you are then held accountable for years of raising a child (you might reconsider once they are teens) when your resources are low, etc. Please consider your own heart and reasons and possible future before you push too hard. My 17 year old daughter is my heart and soul ... she has been the best kid ... but trying .... lets not go there. What is so wrong or lacking in your being the step Mom that you are so hell bent on being the adoptive Mom (you will never be the bio Mom). What difference will that make in your life or in the life of the child? Is the effort and the level of hurtful emotion that you are feeling worth the outcome (which is the same no matter what....). You will still never be the Bio Mom ... what you can be .... is the girl's wonderful other Mom that loves her, cares for her, nurtures her and who will receive all the love back no matter what your title is. You are putting too much effort and emotion into this - I think.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2002 at 2:17PM
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Susnnn

I can understand wanting to adopt. Yes Kimzmom will never be the bio mom, but she is raising her SD as if she is her own. It's very hard for a kid to put things in the right place when an uninvolved bio parent is in the picture. I think it would be a good thing for this girl to be adopted so she feels like she belongs somewhere. The bio mom isn't doing that by staying away. In my experience, it is very frustrating for kids to have a bio parent who is never around, never calls etc. My kids always wondered why they weren't wanted. By Kimzmom adopting her SD the girl would feel a lot better I'm sure. And adoption would end the child support issue and a lot of other battles. I suspect that bio mom will eventually accept the deal. If she hasn't wanted anything to do with her bio daughter in 2 years, she surely won't want the hassle of paying arears. Good luck.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2002 at 8:18AM
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spazkatt

KimzMom, You didn't say how old your SD is....
I agree with Susnnn. I think it is important for the SD to feel like whe is wanted, and she can't really feel that from egg donor who chooses to not have contact nor fill her obligations. With adoption it seems like it is a closer connection to the child. I see it as marriage vs. living together is. You are committing to this child. I have 3 step kids, and I would adopt them if I could, it gets to emotional when the bio-mom comes in and out of the picture, says she will call and she doesn't, this way there would be more stability in their lives I feel. This is just my two cents for what it is worth.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2002 at 10:30AM
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SugarBee

Contact an attorney and find out how long the absent parent needs to be absent before proceeding with adoption.

FWIW, I think it's great that you want to adopt your SD. I'm sure you have your reasons so I won't ask you WHY or WHAT or HOW you think things will change, or not change. And if you love her like she is your own, then it doesn't matter if the future holds death (heaven forbid) for your husband at an early age...she will still be your daughter even IF she is from someone elses egg. Keep positive, stay positive and I give you best wishes for the future!

    Bookmark   November 24, 2002 at 12:16AM
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RosieL

My point is that ... you're already a Step Mom and the title is not as important as the relationship you share and the love between you. That's what will make you her Mom ...! You obviously already have full custody, but I don't know if adoption is an option as long as she does not give permission and is still alive. You might be able to do it with the right attorney if you live in certain states, but that egg is King in many states.

    Bookmark   November 25, 2002 at 7:22AM
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elaforge

Being an adoptive parent gives you all the legal rights as a natural parent. Being a step-parent DOES NOT! Not to mention the phycological benefits. Different states differ on the rules to do this, but the first thing that must be done (if BM will not do it willingly) is to terminate BM parental rights. No contact, must include no child support payments, for a certain period of time could qualify you to terminate her parental rights. Then the step-parent adoption can take place. This is not a decision to be taken lightly - Good luck

    Bookmark   November 27, 2002 at 4:48PM
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BettyL

My fourteen year old SS just spent 10 days in the hospital. BM kept making up all sorts of stories to the doctors, which kept leading them in the wrong direction. My husband-BD was over whelmed both by this and other personal issues. I was the only one that stayed focused. However, I could not make legal decisions for the minor. The best I could do was to inform and empower SS - "If they want to do something and you are not sure about it - just say We need to talk to my dad first ..." "if your dad or I are not here, You have to use your head and make judgement calls." "Call me at work any time. Your dad is not always easy to get a hold of" I was a little leery of empowering my SS because he is a control freak "NO, YOU CANT TAKE MY BLOOD PRESURE!"
And the only reason, BM did not contest my involvement with the doctors is because (Dad was not there) BM DID NOT want to sign the financial consent forms to admit SS. I agreed to sign the forms if she agreed to let me be involved in his medical care. I am actually surprised that she did not go back on her word after I signed the papers.

If I was his adoptive mom, I would of been leagally able to discuss/direct his medical care. I would just imply that I was his mother. And only when pushed did I reveal that I was only the step-mom. And some doctors/nurses were little leery of continueing discusions with me.

    Bookmark   December 4, 2002 at 1:26PM
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tlc1958

I applaud you. I was adopted by my father and as far as I am concerned he is my bio dad. Because the bio mom is out of the picture it would be nice just to be a regular family and avoid the stigma that comes with a step family. One of the neatest things I ever heard was a woman who had known my family for over 20 years and didn't know that Dad adopted me. My own neice didn't know it until she was grown because it just never came up (we weren't trying to hide anything). My life was a lot easier once I had the same name as my younger brother. Dad died last year. My bio dad is still living but I don't want anything to do with him. My REAL dad (the man who loved me and took care of me) died last year. I guess another reason for adoption is to protect the inheritance of the children you love. My dad had 2 children from a former marriage and then my dad and bio mom and another child after they married. My dad was wealthy and I'm sure he wanted to make sure I would always be included in everything when he died. I can tell you though, I'd rather have my Dad back than any amount of money in the world. I was a lucky little girl when he made me his daughter!

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 1:05AM
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eandhl

Title may not be the important issue here but commitment to the child certainly is.
I commend you and others understand your position. BM hasnÂt been in the picture nor does she keep up with her financial responsibility. Society has condemned absent fathers for years as well the -- too often "wicket step-parent". We read here over and over again I hate step children, & I want them out" Â Your stepdaughter is fortunate indeed to have you and I wish you and your family luck in your pursuit.

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 11:15AM
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sandstone

Depending on the situation with bio-mom... (whether she's involved with drugs,alcholo, ect....) adoption could be extremely important... For example most states do not recognize step parents as having rights to SC. So in the case that your husband passeed away it might be likely that the egg donor could show up and collect "her child" How ridiculous that sound "her child" she has actively abandoned the poor girl and yet still has "rights" You definately would have a legal leg to stand on with husband behind you and her having no contact for such a long period of time. I guess it boils down to would you fear for your SD if she had to live with bio-mom? If so, I would go for it.

    Bookmark   February 2, 2007 at 12:23AM
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dcysandwich_aol_com

it is more than just a "title". The bio mom has a say in the child's medical choices and a lot of other choices too. Becoming the adopted mom takes away the bio moms right to all of that. And gives the step mom the right. It is way more than a title. This is coming from a 20 year old who just asked her step mom to adopt her.

    Bookmark   February 22, 2011 at 1:56AM
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Cruella2761

I adopted my step kids. In my state if a parent goes over 6 months with no contact with the children (doesn't matter if she contacted you) then you can have her parental rights stripped and adopt. In my case the BM disappeared for about 2 years no contact and no financial support so it was due to abandonment. It was amazing how much easier it was to adopt the children then it was to force her to own up to her responsiblities. I waited until a
good amount of time went by and then put the petition in.

I adopted because I was raising the kids anyway and the BM actually had her children rolling pot for her on their last visitation. The kids have been doing great. We all couldn't be happier. In my opinion it is better to have no parent rather than one that did nothing but play games to try to destroy us as a family.

    Bookmark   December 27, 2012 at 6:43PM
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Vicky1975

What state do you live in? Just curious!

    Bookmark   December 30, 2012 at 2:23AM
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