ruby_x-rayNovember 19, 2010

Hi everyone. The holidays are coming up and I'm getting so tense because my step kids, who are in their 30's, will be coming shortly for the holidays. The biggest problem with them is how they ignore there kids and let them do anything and everything possible. I do baking/crafts with the grandkids to keep them occupied but without any help I end up getting mad. When I try to get the step kids to pitch in they tell me that their kids are just fine doing whatever, which is pretty much tearing up everything in sight. Last year I went through Cancer (I'm in remission)with all the treatments and you would have thought they would at least watch the grand kids while I was going through that but nope they didn't. To me that is so disrespectful. Their Dad said that he will help clean up whatever they do and we will buy anything they break back. Well I have things I do not want broken because I've had them for a long time and some can not be replaced..especially the memories that goes with those items. The biggest problem to me is their Dad and him not telling them right off the bat what is expected. He is so afraid that they won't come around which the only time they call or come over is for a meal, money, or baby setting-which no one else will baby set these grand kids because how bad they are. I love these grown up kids and the grandkids but I really don't like them because how disrespectful they are. By the way I've been married for several years. Thanks for listening!

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My solution was to make reservations a nice resturant for TG day. I didn't want to deal with a similar/uncomfortable situation.

I've been working lots of hours, we just moved and frankly I just don't want the stress of dealing with it all. This way we can enjoy the holiday. We'll be at a resturant so the children will have to be supervised by the parents and I can sit back with my glass of wine and relax. Yes, probably twice as much money, but my mental health is worth it.

I'd highly suggest it. Also being newly in remission you absolutely should not be stressing out preparing & entertaining for large holiday gatherings, rather you should relax, enjoy the holiday and leave the prep and cleanup to someone else.

Tell your hubby you would like to relax and enjoy the holiday without worrying about the mess & fuss..

And congrats on your remission. I wish you a peaceful holiday and many years of good health :0)


    Bookmark   November 19, 2010 at 10:40PM
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"When I try to get the step kids to pitch in they tell me that their kids are just fine doing whatever, which is pretty much tearing up everything in sight. Last year I went through Cancer (I'm in remission)with all the treatments and you would have thought they would at least watch the grand kids while I was going through that but nope they didn't."

I'm revising to say I hope you let everyone know dinner will be at "resturant of YOUR choice" at whatever time you choose and you & DH will look forward to seeing them there. End of story.

(we even told kids while we were happily treating everyone for dinner-we would not be picking up the bar tab, so plan accordingly :0)

I hope you go on strike in regards to the babysitting & meals. You must put your health first from now on.

    Bookmark   November 19, 2010 at 10:49PM
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Wow! I agree, meet at a restaurant.

I've seen lots of parents that have unruly kids and it's because of the lax attitude of letting them do what they want. They are probably thrilled that you try to keep the kids occupied & out of their hair for a while, why help out when they can be in the next room relaxing/visiting? I don't get why people like that have kids? and even your husband has the same attitude of "I'll just clean up & replace what they break" instead of insisting someone watch their children.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 8:32AM
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Ruby, I can feel your pain and frustration. I have been there and delt with the same problems "disrespect". Anyway, I like the idea of the resturant.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 10:28AM
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I don't know about that...When we take SDs out, older SD and her DH order such expensive meals, always the most expensive on the menu and such expensive wines that we go broke. LOL I am glad you are in remission. On a serious note, yes take them out.

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 6:04PM
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I suggested this to my hubby-going to a restaurant or even going to one of their houses and he thought it was a total bad idea. He really doesn't want anyone else to see how bad they are in a public place and that his kids will not control the grand kids(we went one time to a restaurant with them and he said never again). Plus his kids are extremely bad house keepers(you can not even tell what color the carpet is) it makes him feel uncomfortable which it does me too but hey it would be better at their house where everything is totally wrecked then it would be at our house where they destroy everything in site.
The Oncologist gave me some nerve pills but so far I've been somewhat afraid to take them because she said to only take them when I absolutely need them...that's scary.
I'm just thankful that the step kids do not stay overnight, which they have in the past and flooded the bathroom while I was in the recliner after a treatment with Chemo-last overnighter.
Their Mom won't even have them over her house, she meets them at a restaurant....imagine that! I can't get their Dad to budge on that one.
Their Dad even told me yesterday that he would "help" clean up whatever they do to the house.It does bother him but like I said he will not tell them to please watch the kids because he's afraid they won't come times it would not hurt my feelings if they didn't since they are so disrespectful. Thanks for the advice! Happy Thanksgiving to all!

    Bookmark   November 20, 2010 at 6:49PM
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Wow, I'm sorry Ruby, but if your Dh is embarrassed by their behavior in a resturant that's HIS problem. Afraid they wont come back? Good grief I'd be praying they would'nt! (My husband also is loathe to confront his adult kids on bad behaviors-a lot of that going on with the folks here-we understand believe me)

I hope you do insist on NOT having it at your home. It's awful that he is more worried about their feelings than your health. Help cleanup? B.S. He's be cleaning it up all alone.

You shouldn't have to take nerve pills to get through a family holiday-although I've been there and done that-Lol so I wouldn't rule it out if it helps you get through it.

I'm so sorry. Perhaps you should remove any thing you are worried about them detroying while they visit and check yourself into a sweet hotel room with jacuzzi, order room service and leave them all to it. Tell your hubs to give ya a call when the coast is clear and the house is clean..Run away Ruby, run, run to the nearest Hilton Suites!!


    Bookmark   November 21, 2010 at 2:54AM
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I'm in the party rental business... can I suggest you rent a couple of tables, some chairs & an outdoor patio heater & have dinner in the yard. Tell them, sorry the house is off limits!

Or you may just have to take charge & speak up. If your DH isn't going to, these ADULTS need to be told "can you PLEASE get your child before he/she breaks something?" If you call them out on it, repeatedly if necessary, they will likely cut the visit short & leave. They stay because nobody says anything. Time to stop playing nice & being a doormat. You don't have to be rude but you should be able to stand up for yourself & your DH should agree. AT the very least, he should nod when you tell them. (You'll need to discuss this with him before so you know you have his support) Otherwise, I'd put my treasured breakables into a box, lock it in a closet & take myself to a nice restaurant & have DH call me after they've left & he's cleaned up the damage.

The fact that he knows how bad they are and yet he's going to accommodate them & refuses to embarrass himself in public says a lot & I would dump it all on his lap (I've been doing that a lot lately with my DH) and if feels GREAT to let go of the responsibility that isn't really yours.

Good luck!

    Bookmark   November 21, 2010 at 9:39AM
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Well I did it! I left when the stepkids turned their little darlings loose and they were destroying the house..I did put up my stuff I did not want broken before they got here also. I feel so much better. Their Dad acts like he's mad but hey it's better him be mad then me...I do not suppose to get upset- per Doctor-so I'm going to have to do what is right for me now.
If nothing changes I'm planning on doing what some of you said, rent a motel with a whirlpool and relax. Then go out to dinner by myself:-)
It's taken me going through cancer surgery(last year), chemo, radiation, and then another surgery(this year) to know if I do not do what is good for me then this remission will not happen long and then I will be in for it. And I've been married for 18 years so the situation will never improve as long as my hubby has the thing about his kids never coming back. Oh yell, their Mom left their Dad for her boss and she's great according to them but as I said she will not have them over her house...meets at a restaurant. Their Dad wouldn't even consider going to a restaurant but I sure will:-)
Thanks for all the good suggestions.

    Bookmark   November 21, 2010 at 8:34PM
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Good for you Ruby!!
I'm so proud of you! The first time standing up for yourself is always the hardest. Your reward is not having to deal with any of that nonsense.

Yea your DH might be peeved you actually called him on it & left him to deal with it but your health has to come first, period. And you are right about remission-nothing is worth putting your life at risk by putting up with that kind of stress.

Happy Holidays to you-Keep it up, stay strong and if DH pouts about this just ask him why your health isn't as important as his misbehaving G-Kids & Kids wants? I'ma is absolutely correct, you will feel stronger and better and this will get easier and easier (expect a little pushback at first & don't give in)-Good on you!


    Bookmark   November 22, 2010 at 12:52AM
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"it's better him be mad then me...I do not suppose to get upset- per Doctor-so I'm going to have to do what is right for me now. " Way to go, Ruby! You are so right. There is no reason for anyone to ever put their health behind someone else's laziness in not watching their own offspring.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2010 at 7:36AM
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Thanks, it was hard to leave and this morning I'm a little up in the air about myself. But I've already been thinking about where I want to go for "My Holiday".
There is more going on in my life than Dad(Alzheimer's) passed away 2 months ago and my Mom has Parkinson disease which has gotten a lot worse with Dad's passing.
The step kids has always been something else to deal with and the thing is they told their Dad that I treat them better than their Mom! The son use to be somewhat better than his sister but since he's gotten married he has steadily gotten worse than her and his sister use to drive him up a wall with how she let her kids do anything and everything. Their Dad went to his house a few weeks ago to watch the kids...oh yell, I said NO to 4 kids..watching them for 6 days, so he got mad and went to their house to watch them and only LASTED 3 days. Came home sick...wonder why:-)
Anyway, he said their house was a mess and the carpet had a combination of dog slobbers(a dog as big as a horse-inside) and chocolate milk everywhere--he said his feet got stuck to the floor LOL!
Thanks...I'm having a good laugh, which I need, remembering what my hubby said about his kids houses....hugs!

    Bookmark   November 22, 2010 at 9:44AM
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Wow Ruby, good for you!!

I've heard cancer can be exacerbated by stress, you should be living your life calm and stress free. I agree, DH should be doing any and all cleaning from the guests from you know where.

It makes me laugh that DH would be mad at you for not being willing to babysit four kids for six days (unpaid, I'd imagine) and then not last himself. That's really really funny!

    Bookmark   November 22, 2010 at 1:29PM
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Yes, unpaid for the babysetting...and he even had to buy them food for the days he was there:-) But I'm not surprise because he asked them to bring drinks for the Thanksgiving dinner(per my request-Dad asked) and they showed up with 2 small bottles of drinks for him and his wife...nothing else. I did have some drinks made up just in case-which I figured would happen. And the step daughter was asked to bring a dessert(my request again-but their Dad called them to see if they could) and she brought rolls instead which we had a bunch of. This is normal stuff and each one of the Step kids has 4 kids they not only won't watch them they could care less what they eat/drink as long as someone else does it for them..go figure.
Thanks for listening, it helps the stress level:-)

    Bookmark   November 22, 2010 at 2:05PM
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