wild_thingNovember 7, 2008

Okay, so I posted about the trouble I have been having with 15yo sd. Her dad and I had a talk with her again the other night. Well, tried to. She doesn't do much communicating. She thinks it is just the most awful thing to have her dad sit down and talk with her. Even if it is normal converstaion.(yeah yeah, normal teen behavior @@)

She had said that she had to type a paper at school for english. (We have a computer at home) She doesn't get home until 5pm just before he dad. She doesn't look the least bit cold, cuz it was freezing out. Her dad wants to see the paper. Cuz she offered to show it to him cuz we didn't believe that she was typing said paper. Well, she doesn't even bother coming back upstairs with the paper. He gets her to come up about 20 minutes later. Says she just didn't want to come back up. WTH?!

Shows dad the paper. Has date for last week on it. After she told us that she was just assigned the paper the day before and it was due the next day. Yeah sure, short paper, maybe took 15-20 mintues to type up. Confont her with the facts, she says she left school at 4 and walked home. Uh hello, it takes 15 mintues tops to walk home, where did your hour go? She plays dumb? What? I don't know? Thats when I left, I was there, the debate team was there, yada yada yada. Lies lies lies.

We never did find out the story there. I think she left with her friend who has a car for two hours. But that is just my opinion.

Extent of rest of one sided conversation consisted of finding out if she even wanted to live with us anymore and if she was willing to work on things to be able to stay at our house. Dad is in so much denial that he doesn't even care that she stood right in front of us and said she didn't want to work on anything because she didn't think there was anything wrong. Oookayy then. But just semi sort of kind of agreed only because dad kept pushing her to say yes. Took her FOREVER to say it.

I handed her the phone and told her to call her mom to find out when she could move back. Didn't do it.

So, I let both of them know, that I can't deal with their games anymore, with all the back and forth and sd doing nothing to change her behaviors. This has been going on for over a year now, with all kinds of promises to change. Nothing. So i said that this is it. If i don't see a change I will be the one to make a concrete desision, and I let them both know that I would move out.

Not sure how sd took it she has no emotions that are real. Only ones that she can use to manipulate.

Dh doesn't like it but hey, they both left me with no other choice. I am not happy. I deserve to be happy. I have put up with enough bs from his kids. I have one to get to the end of high school in 3 years, one that just started school, and one that is just beginning life, so I don't have time to devote to my skids anymore. I can't keep trying to teach them things at the detriment to my own.

I don't know what will happen, but I can't keep playing their waiting game. Plus I just plain don't like her anymore. I am kinda funny that way, when I have been stabbed in the back more times than I can count and have forgiven, only to have it happen again and again, I guess I just had enough. I don't like people like that anyway, so if that behavior is happening with my sd why should that make it any different? It did, but it shouldn't. It is like the saying, it can happen once, shame on you, it happens again, shame on me.

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Maybe I'm just ornery because of your last post...
But you know what I hear in your posts? "I am perfect in every way and no one appreciates me the way that I feel they should. Everyone else is the problem."

And maybe the people around you DO have a lot of problems (Goodness knows my family isn't perfect!) but I don't hear you looking for solutions. I hear you looking for validation from us that everyone is the problem.

Most SMs here are looking for help and solutions. They are looking to promote change in their families, starting with themselves.
Your situation is crummy, I agree, but I don't have much sympathy for you until you appear to want to CHANGE it, instead of just COMPLAIN about it.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2008 at 7:35PM
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wild thing

I can completely understand your frustration. My 1st SD33 lived with her dad and I for 13 years. It is difficult to deal with a teenager that isn't being honest with you and that seems to be working against you. It is also difficult to see dad acting some what complacent about it all. I know for myself that once SD started behaving that way I became obsessed with everything that she said and did because I knew she was lying to us (and she was). It isn't good for anyone to live that way and if you honestly feel that you have done absolutely everything that you can do for her and it is enough to come between you and your husband and be the cause of another divorce then you should leave. I do caution you though to make sure that you have done everything possible to help this girl. I say that kindly, not in a nasty way.

I read your other post and I have to disagree with you that as SPs we don't owe our SKs anything. I feel that we do, as adults, owe these kids the best that we can give them. I think we owe them that in part because we have married their parent but also because someone in their life has to give 200% to them and help them grow up. They are not more special than a child that hasn't gone through a divorce they are simply special because they are struggling to grow and mature in a very difficult world. I would want a SP to treat my kids the way that I would treat them, even if they were being jerks. You have to what is right no matter what. Like I said, if you feel that you have done that and I am not saying that you haven't, then you do need to evaluate your marriage.

Your husband needs to find out why he doesn't pursue the truth from her or why he doesn't seem to care. Not holding her accountable isn't what is best for her.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2008 at 8:00PM
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Wild thing, I will give you a response coming from my inner 15 SD that still resides in me when I read posts like this.

Why would I tell YOU ~anything~ when you are only looking for excuses to kick me out of my own home, my fathers life and practically get me to beg to have any kind of acceptance in my supposedly safe home?

At no point should a child have to beg to stay in their own home. Especially over stupid lies that every teenager tells, and if someone dares say that they NEVER lied as a teenager, you are most definitely a big fat liar.

IMO, you are doing more harm than good. If someone MUST leave the home, it should be the grown up.

    Bookmark   November 7, 2008 at 10:06PM
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I don't think that any of the behavior you are describing constitutes this girl leaving the home.

If she had a drug or alcohol problem and was refusing to get treatment--and all other options had been exhausted--then I could *maybe* see that happening. Maybe. For me to make a child (bio or step) leave the home, I would have to really feel that they or other members of the family were in danger---or the behavior would just have to be really, really out of control, as in drinking binges, drug usage, etc.

Teenagers lie and manipulate. No, that doesn't make it okay--but testing limits and boundaries is part of being 15.

I think giving this girl an ultimatum and telling her to "change or get out" is going to backfire on you in a big way.

It sounds to me like the WHOLE FAMILY needs counseling.

I think your first step should be to talk to a counselor by yourself. Then maybe you and DH go in for some sessions. Get on the same page about parenting.

I am sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed and conflicted. Your feelings are certainly not WRONG. Your feelings are you feelings and you can't help how you FEEL--what you can help is what you DO about them

    Bookmark   November 7, 2008 at 11:19PM
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Wild thing, i understand you are frustrated and are venting...and we all coem to this forum to vent. And sometimes the things we write , do not come across well and can be taken from another note. I'm sure i've done it and not realized....and i can get very emotional at times...i'm human.
After reading you post, what i understand is, that you do not like SD and want her out of your face cause of many games...i understand that....that is your character and you do not like people putzing around. BUT, think you need to step back from her and stop delving into her school and mothering her. Just stop it. She is old enough to do her own homework,skip classes get detention etc..etc... Let her father handle it and i know you do not like her and want her out. BUT since she has lived with you for a year, i think you should have respect for your husbands feelings and just step back and concentrate on the other childrens needs and stop fretting on this sd. You have to make the decision to step back from her not move out of the house. What is that going to accomplish? you will affect and disrupt the other kids. So...start to disengage from sd17 and concentrate elsewhere. Let her decide and her father if she wants to go back to mom...pushing her out like that or you leaving is not the solution.
And number one rule, do not make decision when angry....

    Bookmark   November 8, 2008 at 6:27AM
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