Adult child still living at home vs new stepdad

p-townmomNovember 29, 2010

I have a 24 year old son that works 40 plus hours a week and is a decent man. He pays his own way and causes no harm. I met a man a year and a half ago and we all live together.

My son and Husband have never gotten along. I believe it is the fact that my son was the man of the house for 5 years and now there is a new man trying to be the "boss".

My son is like most of the men around here. They stay home until Miss right pops up and then they take their savings and start a life.

Neither man will cave and give respect to the other. A really bad confrontation took place yesterday and I don't know what to do. Both are asking me to choose. I tell them if they love me they would work it out themselves and not make me choose. What to do?

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imamommy

A year and a half ago, your son was 22. Your new guy knew you had an adult son living at home BEFORE he moved in. Didn't you discuss expectations, etc. with them?

Both of them asked you to choose? Wait, is this 24 year old young man going to choose between his "Miss right" and you, if you decide she's not the girl for him & he disagrees?

I'm sorry that there's no easy answer because your new man should have accepted that your son is there & he still moved in knowing that they did not get along. He could have said "we'll move in together after your son leaves home" I'm assuming he moved in with you since it doesn't sound as if you moved your adult son into your new guys house. But, when my son wanted me to choose between him & my then fiance.. now husband, I told him that soon enough he would be wanting to go out on his own & meet someone HE wants to be with and he will expect me to like her or at least accept her because it's what makes HIM happy... so for now I ask that he does the same. It was a bumpy road but I refused to be in the middle or take sides. I would tell your 24 year old son/man that if he can't accept your new man, then it's time for him to leave the nest & do his own thing.

That's MY 2 cents!

    Bookmark   November 29, 2010 at 6:40PM
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parent_of_one

I agree with what imamommy said.

I also think that you rushed into living together before discussing details of cohabitation.

Your son could easily live on his own (or roommates) at 24 and with full time job, but your boyfriend has to realize that he moved into someone else's home (yours and your son's) not the other way around

    Bookmark   November 29, 2010 at 8:24PM
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shakti2574

I think the problem was started by YOU, so you will have to undo it. First of all, you LET your son be the man of the house for the past 5 years, so now to ask him to change role SUDDENLY is too much of a demand. Secondly, there will also be turf issue esp when your H is moving in with you. They just have to set clear boundaries for each of the roles - H, W and Son.
Your H certainly has certain expectations of his place or his home now, so you will have to be sensitive to both.

You will have to make it clear to your son that you love him but this is your House and your new life, so you will live it the way you want. Many normal home stuffs and responsibilities should be handled by your H. Your S will be resp of his own room.

Set a time frame for which you son will need to move out on his own.

    Bookmark   November 29, 2010 at 8:52PM
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justmetoo

--"Neither man will cave and give respect to the other."--

Two roosters, one coop.

Sad part is they put you in the middle and want you to choose between the two. Want you to side with one or the other in their turf strutting.

You need to remind them both that you love them both and intend to have both in your life no matter how ruffled their feathers get at each other. Sit down with each and discuss individually what the 'game plan' is.

Son can not live at home forever, and from the sounds of it, he does not intend to. He's been working and saving to start his life out. Congrats to him, nice to hear about one who is not 24 and an uneducated lazy bum with no goals for the future. Time though to sped up the plan. Something along the lines of beginning to look for his own apartment. A reasonable timeframe. Six months, nine months...enough time to gather deposits and set his finances in order. In the meantime, son is expected to be civil and do his share of peace making in YOUR home.

Same with the hubby. Explain SS is working his way to beginning his own home and the goal set to spring from nest is blah blah. In the meantime, hubby is expected to be civil and do his share of peace making in YOUR home. Hubby always has the option of purchasing a new home for you and he that he would get to 'rule'.

You can not and will not 'choose', you intend for both to be longterm men in your life and you ask both to be adult and sensible during the current temporary situation. You won't let the hubby toss the son out in a fit of anger, nor will you let son make hubby seem unneeded/unnecessary in what is now also his home.

What they're currently doing is selfish and unfair to YOU, and that they can both man-up and act the adult... or they can both hit the door.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2010 at 8:45AM
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sylviatexas1

Grown men who move into a woman' home & proceed to act like they're the cock of the walk get my utmost disrespect.

Power is the appetite that cannot be satisfied;
feeding it makes it more demanding.

Let this guy bully you into making your son move out & you'll never have another moment's peace.

    Bookmark   November 30, 2010 at 4:46PM
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