Help with Potential Step Daughter

stephanie73_2008November 11, 2008

I have a hard time with this as well, my fiance who is 34, Has a child with someone else. He kept it quiet the first few months, and of course I fell in love. Then he kinda told me in a round about way. Funny thing is if I had known I probably wouldn't have dated him. Maybe I am selfish, I read that people think I am not a human being because I can not love his daughter and I should accept her. I for a long time always felt I couldn't date someone with a child, simply the ex factor and all the correspondence that goes on. But namely, I have a hard time accepting something I know I would have handled differently. I have complete anxiety when I am around her. And not to mention the cousin is always a main stay so we don't see just her it's always her and her cousin.

I did try taking them for a bout a month picking them up a few times a week. However my fiance played the background while I did the homework with them and tried to help them.

It got to be too much, coupled with the fact his ex-gf we found out he was married to, through some immigration scam done by one of his immigration lawyers. I stopped picking them up and had to focus on major legal issues with immigration and now family law.

Thing is, when I was picking them up I'd call him, recap what we were doing, tell them what the plans were. When I stopped he stopped telling me anything ... he never told me when he spoke or speaks to her. I have to dig. It's almost like he is ashamed. Another thing is I think he hides when he sees her. And then when I do dig out he will be seeing her, I am to go. If I don't want to or could do other things he always reverts to I don't like her. If I don't ask about her I don't like her. So he says he will not push it on me.

I'm really having a hard time I don't know what to do. I do accept her but I do not accept right now playing a mother role to her. I almost feel guilty he doesn't see her because for him it's almost like I have to go or he won't go. But when I ask him he says I can see her whenever I like.

Since his ex came to him 4 mos pregnant with an ultrasound he did the right thing and took care of her. She vandalized my car when we were first dating, they are latin and she did not want anyone ever with her children's father. Apparently this is not uncommon with latin women. When his daughter was 2 he had a paternity test done even though he was already named on the birth certificate. He said it was positively his, but doesn't have the test. I asked him to please take a paternity test but he really hasn't done it even though he says he will.

I honestly need help on how I can loosen my anxiety, I tell him to talk to me about her or when he talks to her. But I get his answer as I don't like her. Maybe if he showed me how the relationship is and hear a bit more I can become more involved. I had no idea the level of commitment either he conveyed to her only until about April of this year.

I am so confused and tonight we are taking her and the cousin to dinner and I would rather not have anxiety and stay home. But if I do I know he will be upset. I have sacraficed a lot financially and emotionally. I am having a hard time embracing this whole situation.

Anyone have any suggestions?

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starr

That is common with latin women? I was barely able to get through the rest of your post after that highly offensive comment. My advice - get out of this realtionship now! This poor girl already has two adults that seem to need to figure out how to parent her. It would be a shame for HER to have a third adult in her life who is a bigot...

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 5:42PM
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imamommy

"Apparently this is not uncommon with latin women"

As a latina, I take offense to that generalization. From your post, would it be correct to assume guy is latino too? It sounds like a big mess that I'd go running as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

1) he doesn't tell you he has a child until he knew you were in love & hooked?
2) he let you do all the work while he stayed in the background?
3) he is married through an immigration scam?
4) he has major issues with immigration and family law?
5) he won't go see his child unless you are there? Is it about seeing his child or showing his ex he has you? or is he too much of a wuss to go alone?
6) he waited until his daughter was 2 years old & then put her through a paternity test? What if she had not been his biologically? Would he have bailed on her?

Are you married to him? If not, run, run, run!!! He's already proven he is not honest, faithful, mature, trustworthy, or responsible. You are suffering in anxiety and stress over HIS mess! My suggestion is get as far from him as possible before you have a child with him and cause another child the kind of grief he is already causing his daughter. I could tell you about all the latin men in my family but then that would be generalizing but let me just say that I married a white guy for good reason! There is something about machismo with the guys in my family.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 5:48PM
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ceph

Ima said it better than I could have!

This guy has shown you that he is NOT marriage material.
No one is perfect, but he has shown that he is unreliable and untrustworthy on BIG things - not little things like "Oops, I forgot to take out the trash".

As for how you feel about his child...
If you don't see yourself warming up to his kid in the near future, don't marry him. If you marry a person with kids, you're not just committing to them, you're committing to the kids as well. He will always be a dad, this isn't about to change. So if you aren't willing to be a stepmom, this isn't the relationship for you.

That said, do you just need to get to know his kid better? Most kids are quite lovable once you find a connection with them.
Does FDH need a parenting class? How did he parent before you came along? Why doesn't he parent if you are there? How do you think he will parent if you have children together?

I'm also baffled as to how you didn't realize the extent of his connection with his ex until this April... If you've been with him long enough to agree to marry him, wouldn't that be something you'd notice?
If he was hiding it from you, then that's a HUGE RED FLAG! If you just didn't notice, then do you really know him well enough to promise to spend your life with him?

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 6:14PM
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colleenoz

Ima, Ceph and Starr have all picked up on the thoughts I was having as I read your post.

1- Your finance has kept secrets from you, doesn't communicate with you now, and has entirely the wrong idea about how to go about introducing you to his daughter. Why he thought throwing you in at the deep end was a good idea only he knows, especially since presumably you had already indicated your nervousness.

2- His daughter is part of the package. If you can't love her, walk away now. No point in prolonging the agony for any of the parties concerned.

3- I'm not even a latina and I find your sweeping judement offensive. Presumably the daughter is a latina also- no doubt she picks up on your judgemental vibe.

Why are you even contemplating staying in a relationship with a married man who hides important information from you and has a daughter you can't stand? Time to shut this relationship down and let everyone go and find happiness.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 6:57PM
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sweeby

"I honestly need help on how I can loosen my anxiety"

What you call "anxiety" is that little voice inside your head trying to knock some sense into the rest of you!
Listen to it instead of trying to rationalize it away!

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 9:41PM
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believer

stephenie.....listen to the other posts here, please.

I don't know how this situation could be more unhealthy for everyone involved....maybe if you had mentioned violence. He is a liar, you seem to have a prejudicial attitude towards the little girl's mom and if your boy friend is Latino then you do him also. Which means that you also see their daughter that way.

Having him lie to you is not a good way to start a relationship and the BS that has followed is very strange. You really didn't want to date a man with kids so stick to you original plan. You fell in love with a fake.....No body wins here. Especially the little girl.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 11:42PM
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organic_maria

He hid the fact he had a child from the beginning to begin dating u and for you to have invested emotional attachment. Therefore he lied by ommision and he still does this in many circumstances.
That knot you feel is your inner voice telling you to leave.
LISTEN TO YOUR GUT . LEAVE THIS MAN. NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM. HE LIED AND IT STILL LYING TO YOU.
You want to dig for information from him for the rest of your life????
He is the problem. Not your nerves. not her mother, not your SD, not her cousin. HIM. DROP AND RUN
I know you love him but weigh out the pros and cons. Do what is healthy for you. do want a child with this man and ot be brought up with such in stability.?

    Bookmark   November 12, 2008 at 8:28AM
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sylviatexas1

what Ima & Sweeby & all have said.

This guy didn't just happen to meet you & "fall in love", he groomed you just like any other con artist grooms a potential victim.

Change the locks, change your phone #, don't speak to him, don't meet with him, realize that you're the impala & he's the lion & *get away from him*.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 3:31PM
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silversword

Ditto what everyone said. I think it's rare for everyone to agree on a solution on this board. Usually someone comes up with an alternative answer. I think that's a pretty good indicator of the "right" answer to your problem.

Listen to the advice the ladies above gave you and get out while you can. Best of luck to you and Godspeed!

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 5:52PM
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norcalgirl78

What did you mean when you said you had sacrificed a lot financially? Are you guys also living together? Close to a wedding? I think it would be fair for you to take a step back - before you met him you were childless, happy (I assume) and not dealing with family law, ex-spouses (it turns out) and trying to dig information out of someone and reinforcing the need to do so every time you find out more. It will hurt, but I think you should go before you get in deeper. If for no other reason than (a)your tolerance for dishonesty and his are not the same and (b) if you have to talk yourself into something too hard, it isn't right. Best of luck.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 6:14PM
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finedreams

I would not date anyone who did not tell me he has children in a very first conversation. I worked with a woman who had 3 young kids and hid it from every men she met because she was afraid they would not go out wiht her, but then when they found it out they always dumped her right away. She was convinced that they dump her because they do not like kids. No they dumped her because she is a liar. and they were right.

Leave this guy.

    Bookmark   November 13, 2008 at 6:33PM
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