Help with Potential Step Daughter
I have a hard time with this as well, my fiance who is 34, Has a child with someone else. He kept it quiet the first few months, and of course I fell in love. Then he kinda told me in a round about way. Funny thing is if I had known I probably wouldn't have dated him. Maybe I am selfish, I read that people think I am not a human being because I can not love his daughter and I should accept her. I for a long time always felt I couldn't date someone with a child, simply the ex factor and all the correspondence that goes on. But namely, I have a hard time accepting something I know I would have handled differently. I have complete anxiety when I am around her. And not to mention the cousin is always a main stay so we don't see just her it's always her and her cousin.
I did try taking them for a bout a month picking them up a few times a week. However my fiance played the background while I did the homework with them and tried to help them.
It got to be too much, coupled with the fact his ex-gf we found out he was married to, through some immigration scam done by one of his immigration lawyers. I stopped picking them up and had to focus on major legal issues with immigration and now family law.
Thing is, when I was picking them up I'd call him, recap what we were doing, tell them what the plans were. When I stopped he stopped telling me anything ... he never told me when he spoke or speaks to her. I have to dig. It's almost like he is ashamed. Another thing is I think he hides when he sees her. And then when I do dig out he will be seeing her, I am to go. If I don't want to or could do other things he always reverts to I don't like her. If I don't ask about her I don't like her. So he says he will not push it on me.
I'm really having a hard time I don't know what to do. I do accept her but I do not accept right now playing a mother role to her. I almost feel guilty he doesn't see her because for him it's almost like I have to go or he won't go. But when I ask him he says I can see her whenever I like.
Since his ex came to him 4 mos pregnant with an ultrasound he did the right thing and took care of her. She vandalized my car when we were first dating, they are latin and she did not want anyone ever with her children's father. Apparently this is not uncommon with latin women. When his daughter was 2 he had a paternity test done even though he was already named on the birth certificate. He said it was positively his, but doesn't have the test. I asked him to please take a paternity test but he really hasn't done it even though he says he will.
I honestly need help on how I can loosen my anxiety, I tell him to talk to me about her or when he talks to her. But I get his answer as I don't like her. Maybe if he showed me how the relationship is and hear a bit more I can become more involved. I had no idea the level of commitment either he conveyed to her only until about April of this year.
I am so confused and tonight we are taking her and the cousin to dinner and I would rather not have anxiety and stay home. But if I do I know he will be upset. I have sacraficed a lot financially and emotionally. I am having a hard time embracing this whole situation.
Anyone have any suggestions?