Confessions of a bitter E-wife.

believerNovember 11, 2008

This post was prompted by Sweeby. She as posted an excellent question. One that has taken me racing backwards in time. I did not want to over take Sweeby's post but I wanted to write this down and put it out there. Just in case there is someone out there that can see themselves in me and change. Change for yourself, change for your kids.

I stayed in a marriage for many years that was unhealthy for me. I went from being a strong, self confident young woman to a woman that was having panic attacks everyday.

That is what being estranged from my over baring and abusive mother did to me. That is what living with an alcoholic did to me. It changed who I was. It destroyed me.

I found the courage to leave my husband after my 2nd child was born. For me having children brought my voice back and having my voice back gave me the strength I needed to leave. I knew that I didn't want my kids to grow up in the type of family that my husband and I had created.

My husband did this thing where he would start yelling at me in the middle of sex if he thought that I wasn't doing it right or wasn't giving him what he wanted. I had decided that the next time he did that I was going to tell him it was over. It didn't take long for him to do that and I did what I was waiting to do. He was shocked. He was happy, what was I thinking, I was the most selfish person in the world, I was ruining 3 lives....his and our 2 children's.

During the first part of the separation he did what he could to punish me. He wouldn't help me clean the house before it was sold. He wouldn't help me put together bunk beds for the kids at our new apartment. I had my mom to help me but that was all. He reneged on all of the visitation that he had originally agreed to. He had to get on with his own life he said and how could he do that with 2 kids around.

The bitterness and hatred that built up in me was enormous. He was such an a$$ and I was so over whelmed with having the kids all of the time and working 6 days a week. I was mad all of the time. I hated him. As much as a person can hate another person, I hated him more than that.

That hatred for him was so unhealthy for my kids. I couldn't see that then because I was so deep into the anger.

When my DD was 13 she attempted suicide. She had taken pills one night after I had gotten mad at her. I never got kind of mad, I always got livid. She made herself vomit and I didn't find out about it until months later. When I did I had my "light bulb moment". We got counseling together and individually. I was in it for longer than she was. It broke the cycle for me.

Her father wanted to step in and take control over the situation as he did anything that would have put him into the spot light. He tried it at the hospital when out son broke his arm. The doctor wouldn't allow him to take control and spoke only to me. He was such a piece of work!

He tried to tell me that he and I were not responsible for our daughter's actions. I told him that I was willing to take whatever was my doing and work to undo it in the future. He ended up not changing his behavior toward the kids at all. He never had the "light bulb moment". If he didn't have it at the thought of his daughter dying then it was never going to come.

My point in all of this is that I wasted so much time hating him and being angry with him. It took so much of my energy. It was so hard on the kids. They suffered enough as it was and then to have me so mad at their dad all of the time was totally unfair to them.

If any of you are just starting out with a situation that has over come you. If you are so mad or hurt that you can't let it go in a reasonable amount of time see some one. Go to counseling. Talk it out, work it out with the counselor. Don't subject your kids to it.

I'm not saying that you should let the other parent do what they want...far from it, but don't let those feelings build up to where they destroy you. I have healed. My kids and I have a wonderful relationship...I am blessed with that. Their relationship isn't good with their father. I don't think that my feelings for him caused that. They just got tired of being treated the way he treats people.

Take care of yourself both physically and mentally in your relationships and don't loose yourself. Don't live a life that is someone else's idea of what your life should be. Stay true to yourself, always.

So....My answer to Sweeby's questions would be yes...I wish I would have gotten counseling at the time of the divorce...I know he wouldn't have but I wish I would have....Yes I think it would have helped. I am fine now but I wasn't fine for a very long time. I wasted too much time. I deeply regret it.

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Too bad you can't go back and edit once you post! It, of course should be "Ex-wife" in the subject title...:o)

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 5:09PM
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Thank you for sharing, Believer.

I'm glad you had your "lightbulb moment" and things changed for the better in your life.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2008 at 6:14PM
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What a from the heart story Believer. You are an amazing mother to be able to maintain your relationship with your children through all of that chaos. It really is too bad your husband didn't appreciate what he had. I hope that women read this and take your advice to heart from someone who has been there.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2008 at 10:02AM
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i am sorry you had to put up with this moron. and i am glad you got out. and the fact that you have good relationship wiht your kids says a lot about you. you are a great mother and you are very strong.

    Bookmark   November 12, 2008 at 1:09PM
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