Don't like my mom's new husband

forwhenitrainsNovember 9, 2009

HI,I have never posted here before and I don't really have a question,so much as I'm not sure how to handle a situation and maybe want some opinions.

I'm 31,been married a while, with one kid and one step kid.

My mom is in her 50's and just ended her third marriage.While I really miss my step dad,and I will always consider him my dad,I can understand the need to end it as they fought all the time and had issues.

However,my mom kind of married another guy pretty quickly and I'm having a hard time accepting him.First of all,he has been in jail and has a drug problem,so I don't trust him because of that.

He also seems to be real pushy and it's annoying.Meaning,he will call me to talk about what is going on in our family and give me updates like my mom will call me later.If she will call me later,I don't need him to tell me that.I know that doesn't sound like much,but I'm not a phone person and it took me a while before I felt like talking to my other step dad that I knew for years on the phone,let alone this guy that I don't know.

I told my mom to stop pushing him on me,that she can't make a family happen,that I didn't want him calling me.It worked for a little while,but he has called a few times the past week.My husband flat out refuses to talk to him and even hung up on him once.

I guess I'm just wondering if I'm being too hard on him.But since he is my third step father,I'm reluctant to look at him as a "father",period.First of all,I'm in my thirties so I don't need active parenting,and even if I did,I'd be hesitant to follow any of his advice.He has Four kids and none of them even talk to him because of his drug and jail problems.

Any thoughts?

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sweeby

Any thoughts?

Well, your feelings and the reasons behind them all make perfect sense to me. I'd take your Mom to lunch and spell things out for her -- That it's nothing personal against Hubby #4, but that as an adult, you don't want or need another 'Daddy', and when he tries to act like one, it annoys you. Tell Mom that out of respect for her, you'll keep an open mind and be perfectly polite to him (and do it), but that he needs to let a relationship with you develop at its own pace and should not push for a closer relationship now.

I understand why you'd have reservations about him, given the drugs and jail bit, but I wouldn't bring those up with Mom again (I'm assuming you have at least once) since I'm sure she's well-prepared to defend against those. ("But I LOVE him!") If she thinks you dislike #4 because of his record, she'll dismiss everything else you have to say that's negative...

    Bookmark   November 9, 2009 at 6:38PM
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silversword

This is creepy to me. My dad, my bio-dad, with whom I have a healthy relationship.... calls me MAYBE once a week. What the heck is he talking to you about?

Do you have caller ID? I'd start utilizing that feature. Just don't answer the phone. If you told Mom once how you felt, and it stopped for awhile, but has started again, it's harassment. Be civil for Mom's sake, but I'd be very careful around this man, and EXTREMELY careful where children are left alone with him. He has boundary issues. And that creeps me out.

    Bookmark   November 10, 2009 at 12:57PM
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catlettuce

I'm with Silver.
CREEPER.
This dude would make me paranoid, sorry. I'd do what Sweeby said, but definately keep contact to a minimum. What you're describing gives me the heebie-jeebies.
-Cat

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:50AM
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kkny

This is really creepy. I would just politely take mom to lunch and tell her this. But I'ld also tell her if things go south with him, she always has a spot in the guest room (or couch or aero bed, etc) in my house. I'ld try to keep in touch with her, as irritating as he is. The drugs, the criminal record, the attempts to keep your mom from communicating with you directly are really red flags. If you know any of her neighbors, I'ld discretely make certain they have your phone number, addrss and email. I wouldnt mention him specificially but just say, if you mom has an emergency, could they contact you.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 9:27AM
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forwhenitrains

Hello,everyone,and thanks for the responses.Sorry it took me so long to check back.I'm getting ready to move,so I'm super busy.

I did speak to my mom about it again and she kind of laughed it off saying he was out of control,and sometimes he drives her crazy.
Anyways, my mom just told me that he may be going back to jail! Apparently he was on parole and violated it a while back.He has two upcoming court dates.I hope it's not mean to say I kinda hope he goes back.The holidays are coming up and he's pushing for us to come over.My husband flat out refuses,so I'm not sure how to handle that one.

To answer silversword's question: What the heck is he talking to you about?
The first few times it was because my mom and my brother had a disagreement.It seemed to me like he was trying to get the scoop on things.Then after that,it was just random stuff and he just goes on and on...
I think he does have boundary issues,he is the most pushy person I have known.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:28PM
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silversword

"...He goes on and on...."

You are in control. "oops, that's my oven timer. Gotta go!" and hang up. Nothing wrong with answering the phone, but you are under no obligation to stay on the phone.

..."he's out of control"

YEAH....NOT GOING TO HIS HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!! We all have a "crazy uncle frank" who drinks too much or a "slutty aunt sylvia", but the thing is, they're actually related to us. And mostly, they're harmless. The thing is, you don't know if he is or not. Do you want to find out?

Holidays are laden with obligations. The thing is, when we are adults, we are not obligated to do ANYTHING we don't want to do in this regard. Your mother is old enough to make her own choices. If that choice is to "laugh off" your concerns, I'd say you have the choice to "blow her off" and say it's an immediate family only holiday for you.

I don't trust him. He is not a decent man. Your husband knows it. Listen to him.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 12:46PM
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kkny

Silver, I agree mom is old enough to make her own choices, but I'm always there for an escape for any relative who got involved with someone dangerous. H*ll, I'ld even let my X sleep on the basement couch if he was afraid.

Forwhenitrains, good luck on move. I hate moves (GRRR), but if you know any of moms neighbors, make certain they have your new contact info.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 1:46PM
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silversword

Good for you KK. I'm not saying leave mom in the rain. I'm saying don't go there for the holidays.

As a side note: Letting someone who is in danger stay with you is a nice sentiment, but if that person knowingly got involved with a dangerous person, and it may put my family in danger, I'd drive them to the nearest women's shelter.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 3:36PM
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kkny

Thats another good option too. Hopefully this guy just leaves. As in dont go away angry, just go away.

    Bookmark   November 11, 2009 at 3:55PM
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deborah_ps

In my experiences when your gut says ugh, ugh it is.
I wouldn't rely on nor believe his jail term was for drugs only...I'd be doing a bit of investigation if it were me.
But I can be a skeptic,(raised eyebrow).

    Bookmark   November 12, 2009 at 12:14AM
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